The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 335

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at instead!

I never noticed how similar those faces are before.

I guess I need to show you whose face one of those is, though, don’t I.

More like “The Burying-the-Lede Family.”

It’s her face. Spoiler alert.

Theresa: Shh, mommy’s on the phone.

I’ve never felt the need to just blurt out random hurtfulness like that.

Theresa: Sure, then explain the last three hundred and thirty-four chapters.

Nothing can explain the last three hundred and thirty-four chapters.

Tiffany: Hey popo!
Theresa: I’m not popo, I’m a spook.
Tiffany: I am not calling you that.
Theresa: I wouldn’t either, if I were you.

Alvin: I’m scared of flowers today.


Theresa: Hey partner.
Alvin: Let’s agree to pronounce it “pardner” from now on.
Theresa: Let’s agree that you lose “let’s agree” privileges.

Alvin: I agree. If I still can.

Theresa: Okay, wow, what. What is my hand doing.

You think Alvin’s attractive.


Alvin: How do you know his face is fat?


Theresa: Hahaha we’re playthings.
Alvin: Hahaha you’re taking my hand.
Theresa: NO! WHY?!

Theresa: Lady, if you don’t beat it I’m gonna book you.

I don’t really care what Jewel is doing, I just wanted to say that that gnome looks super proud of those flamingos.

Gnome: Fucked ’em.

No, but I meant-

Gnome: Fucked ’em good.

Theresa: I don’t understand what I’m doing.
Alvin: Yeah, that’s how it feels alright!

Theresa: Fuck fuck fuck I’ve got some sort of standards-lowering virus or something.

Alvin: Hey, Theresa, I value our friendship too much to threaten it with romance.
Theresa: I didn’t even know we had a friendship!

Theresa: I certainly didn’t want one!
Alvin: That does explain why you’ve been such a condescending bitch this whole time! Not that I’m complaining.

Theresa: Okay, I am sick. There’s no way I like this dude.
Vanessa: I say that to myself all the time.

Your thought balloons know what brings you together, though.

Virginia: I’m just saying at least once someone should get smooshed by a falling piano.
Alvin: That’s a pretty creaky trope, though.
Virginia: No, see, it’s been so discredited that it could be new again!

Alvin: Give this kid a drum or something, she’s doing terrible things with her free time.
Michael: Like what?
Alvin: Like thinking.

Vanessa: Fuck off thought balloon, I’m having a tender moment here.
Veronica: Mommy! I think?

Veronica: Aww, you’re not ugly now!

Vanessa: You’re my kid, alright.

Michael: Hey, at least half of that bitchiness is mine.
Jewel: Oh yeah, at least.
Michael: Hey. Double hey.
Alvin: I think you’d be cuter with black hair.

Alvin: Sorry, didn’t mean to tag on to that last image. Ahem. “I think you’d be cuter with black hair.”
Theresa: Yeah, it didn’t really fit with the gags in the previous caption.
Alvin: I know! I’m sorry. It was really sloppy of me.
Vanessa: The fuck am I friends with you again?

Alvin: Is this kid someone cool or something? Everybody huggin’ her.

Alvin: Oh, I hate glasses, by the way.
Theresa: Why are you telling me your Turn Ons and Turn Off?
Alvin: Because you’re hitting on me?


And yet hot you am.

Then again you already were.

Theresa: Why am I doing this?

Because you’re falling for Alvin?

Theresa: But Alvin’s a stupid asshole.

Irresistible, am I right?

I mean how could anyone say no to that.

Anthony: No!

Anthony: NO!

I fucked up the HTML for this caption so when I previewed the chapter all I got was a string of fucked-up code, which looked like Anthony was swearing incoherently.

So you get that description in place of what it’s describing or the original caption.

You’re welcome.

Alvin: Yeah baby, bring that bra in close.

Jewel: You look a lot like Michael.
Alvin: I’m not gonna stand here and take that.

Alvin: When there’s the hottest chick in Sim history suddenly in front of me for some reason.

Theresa: You think I’m hot?

I honestly don’t know if it’s a matter of opinion at this point.

Theresa: Well?

Alvin: You’re like Theresa if Theresa had black hair and was hot!

Vanessa: Oh, you stupid, precious man.
Theresa: He is precious, isn’t he.

And stupid.

Theresa: And stupid.

Theresa: Do you actually not know who I am?
Alvin: Weird, right? Considering you’re straight out of my dreams.

Michael: Don’t shit on my books.
Veronica: Why would I-
Michael: Just don’t, okay?

Alvin: Look gorgeous, I’m really into you right now, but I need to get my partner to check your criminal record first.
Theresa: What if she doesn’t want to?
Alvin: Oh, she will. Bitch gets off on judging people.

Theresa: You know her so well.
Alvin: Heck yeah I do! That’s what happens when you’re a stalker.

Theresa: Like, a night stalker. A spy.
Alvin: Sure, that too!

Theresa: Boy, remember when you murdered that burglar? That was good times.
Alvin: Hahaha those good times are CLASSIFIED.

Holy fuck they ARE the same person.

Theresa: What’s this?

It’s a magic lamp.

Alvin: I see somebody found his files.

That, and I looked ahead.

Vanessa: Who the fuck is this now?

Alvin: It’s like Theresa had a hot sister.

Michael: Do you think I look like Alvin?
Jewel: You have the same hair.
Michael: How can we? We’re both wearing it right now.

But, like, never in the same shot!

Michael: Shut up, god!

Theresa: I guess I believe in genies now.

Theresa: Not really happy about that, let me tell you.

Michael: You should be naked all the time.
Jewel: Thanks Quark, I’ll take that into consideration.

Theresa: Hmm. I guess hotness would be good. For a spy.

Theresa: Can you make me hot?
Genie: Like, temperature-wise?
Theresa: No, chemistry-wise!
Genie: Those are different things?

Genie: Sure, I’ll make you attractive. Because apparently you’re not already?
Theresa: The game mechanics aren’t good with face recognition.

Genie: Well, now your stats match your face.

Then her stats must be through the rucking foof.

I’ll be honest.

I tried to type “fcuking” and it came out “rucking” and I rolled with it.

Also what I tried to type both times was “fucking” but it came out “fcuking” the second time and I just rolled with that too because what better thing have I got to do right now.

Gawp at Theresa, I guess.

I was right, this is better.

Okay, last objectification for a while: that is one weaponized ass.

Theresa: Whatcha doin’?
Alvin: Driveway spotting THERE IT IS

Theresa: Okay, I don’t know why but I am super into you now.
Alvin: And I am super into driveways!

Theresa: Alvin. It’s me. Pardner.


Alvin: Oh my Adventure Time reference, I didn’t recognize you under all that hot!

Theresa: Some of your sentences take a second to unpack.

Alvin: That one was a bit meta.

Alvin: Anyway WOW this is really good timing, my wife just left me! I think! AGAIN!
Theresa: She’s left you before?
Alvin: No, but the LAST one did!
Theresa: You’ve got really bad luck with wives, huh?
Alvin: But really great quantity!

Alvin: Did you know she used to be married to Neil Sharpe?
Theresa: Literally everyone, ever, knows that.

Alvin: Wouldn’t it be funny if she was still helping their daughter plot against him?
Theresa: That would be funny! Because their daughter is dead.

Theresa: Anyway stop making plot happen I’m trying to seduce you.
Alvin: Don’t tease.

Alvin: Wait, you serious?
Theresa: Usually my thing, seriousness, yeah.

Theresa: Except apparently my heart’s gone goofy.

Alvin: What?

I mean there must have been something in between!

Alvin: Put your clothes back on and act out what happened!

Alvin: Guess I’ll have to logic it out.
Theresa: Or you could observe the naked lady beside you.
Alvin: I don’t see how that’s gonna help me solve the mystery.

Theresa: There’s no mystery. I live here now, and I need a shower.

How do you live here now?!

Theresa: Okay, so there is a mystery. Fine.

…I count three mysteries in this pic alone.

Michael: Who is this person.

Renée: I just like forcing him to pull the “é” out.

Theresa: Alright fate, fuck you, fine.

Alvin: Yessss fate wants to get me laid!

And fate even has good taste!

Alvin: I know a better taste.
Theresa: Heheh.
Alvin: Feta.

Theresa: Dickhead.

Theresa: You’re pretty cute if I pretend you’re Alvin!
Michael: Kick me in the nuts why don’t you.

Theresa: Oh, okay! Your naked body! Thanks!

Alvin: Welcome to the increasingly-not-a-family household.

Theresa: Whatever, like anything else makes sense anymore.

Michael: Have you noticed Penny’s being weird lately?
Theresa: You’re imagining things.

Alvin: Man, I remember when Penny got in a big fight with Lucas Perez!
Renée: That definitely never happened.
Theresa: It must have! You saw! It was Penny in the speech balloon.

Vanessa: Y’all done making eyes behind my back?

Alvin: Don’t worry. I’m a Fortune Sim, you’re rich, and she’s on a government salary.
Theresa: Also he’s really off-puttingly smarmy.
Vanessa: You’d like that if you were rich.

Vanessa: Confusing day, huh?

Vanessa: Or maybe it’s the first day that’s made any sense for a long time.
Michael: No, sorry, the first option.

Vanessa: You weren’t always wondering who I really was?
Michael: You were my wife. And I think you still are?

Vanessa: You’re that dedicated to me?
Michael: I’m that dedicated to our combined property!

Vanessa: You remind me of my brother.
Michael: I hear that sort of thing’s a big turn-on in your family.

Vanessa: Fuck you. All night.

Vanessa: ♪ And party every day ♪

Michael: I hate parties.

Vanessa: Just the fucking, then.

Michael: I love the fucking.

Theresa: Pretending to be rich is pretty okay.

Meanwhile this shit exists.

Back to Theresa.

Theresa: It’s still objectification if you’re making excuses to watch me in my underwear, even if you’re not captioning it appropriately.

What about if I give you dialogue where you reject objectification?

Theresa: Might be better, might be worse. It’s complicated.

I will sign for these complications.

Theresa: Weirdo.


Oh BTW I spend tons of time trying to align the zeds properly.

Every time there’s zeds.

Also we’re calling those “zeds” from now on.

Because fuck America and its Simpletonified English.

Michael: Got all the fuckin’ I need right here, thanks.

Theresa: I would like to register a complaint.

Turnabout’s fair play.

Theresa: Good, rule by cliché, that’s mature.


Anthony: Thank you for your input.

Next time: random weird nonsense.

It’s what’s for everytime!

This chapter depicts gameplay from 15 April 2012.

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