The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 334

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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Is there even a second Chumbawamba song?

Oh, BTW, this one is goddamn hilarious.

I made a resolution to not be even perceptibly humble this year.

I’ll break it tomorrow.

Happy New Year!

And also, Happy New Year!


Shortly to become “the house where Vanessa Sharpe lives.”

Michael: What?
Jewel: What?
Michael: Nothing.

Jewel: Are you talking to the narrator again?
Michael: He craves acknowledgement.

Michael: Not like me.

Anthony: I’m well-compensated for my work.

Veronica: Can you practice your scary face somewhere else right now?

Veronica: Apparently he can’t.

Vanessa: That’s my daughter.
Theresa: I couldn’t tell, since she looks nothing like exactly like every woman in your family.

Vanessa: I like what a bitch you are.
Theresa: Me too.

Theresa: Bet I like it more than you do, even.

Jewel: Off my steps, weirdo.

Jewel: Okay, what, are they weirdo steps now or something?

Vanessa: At least I know the beds are still warm.

Jewel: There’s some slope-jawed dipshit in the house, Michael. Just so’s you knows.

Vanessa: Hey man, thought I’d pop in.

Michael: Pop-in in video games is always bad.

Vanessa: I meant to imply that I’m Poppy. Your wife.
Michael: No, I got it, but the point still stands.

Vanessa: Turns out I’m Vanessa Sharpe and William’s my brother and Daisy was Cecilia and she tricked him into fucking her.
Michael: Hahaha I can’t keep track of all that.

Vanessa: She even made me think I was gay.
Michael: You’re not gay?
Vanessa: I’m bi.
Michael: Oh, you’re leaving?
Vanessa: …HAVE WE NOT BEEN OVER THIS

Michael: Sorry, I guess I’m still hung up on how I’m surprise-married to a super-hot famous person.

Michael: But if you want me to get over how super-hot and famous you are, I guess I can try…

Michael: Do me a favour and put on your formal wear.

Michael: Oh fuck yeah.

Jewel: I’m gonna need to pre-drink for the upcoming apology party.

Theresa: What a happy reunion! In the bathroom. For some reason.

Michael: Who’s the gross weirdo?
Vanessa: That reminds me, I need to slap the shit out of Jewel.

Michael: What say you slap-slap-slap the shit out of me instead?

Vanessa: Can I actually slap you a bit, too?
Michael: I dunno, sure, I might be into it. Who knows?

Theresa: I’m certainly into seeing him get slapped.

Theresa: I’m getting subtle signals that my presence is no longer desired.
Anthony: You’ll learn to ignore them.

Michael: If you’re bi, does that mean you get to have a husband and a wife?
Vanessa: Shut up and kiss me before your brain disqualifies you from it.

Michael: Yes. Okay. Yes.

Michael: I wasn’t kidding about the sex thing, though.

Theresa: Visit any foreign powers lately, kid?

Michael: Oh man your vagina is great now.
Vanessa: It hasn’t changed.
Michael: Must be psychogynecological then.

Michael: How is your hair defying gravity?
Vanessa: It’s hydrophobic.

Michael: I might never be able to have sex out of water again.
Vanessa: I am not becoming a mermaid for you.

Michael: Hahaha, mermaid fucking. As if.

It’ll be in Chapter A Thousand or something.

Michael: Wait, are your eyes red?
Vanessa: You just remembered that?
Michael: The revelations are hitting me in waves.

Vanessa: Yeah, my mom was an albino.
Michael: So your mom was black, huh?
Vanessa: I… have honestly never thought about that before?

Michael: Are there white albinos?
Vanessa: Can you look this up on your own time?

Jewel: What the fuck?
Michael: Us the fuck!

Michael: Does it say anything in there about albinos?

Michael: My mother-in-law might be black!
Jewel: So?
Michael: So I can use that in my defense once they start purging all the racists!

We’re almost ready. It’s gonna be beautiful.

Hey Jewel, thanks.

Michael: Now I have to pee.
Vanessa: You’d better NOT.

Vanessa: In fact I’m not gonna take that chance.

Jewel: Oh yeah! I went on a road trip through all the Balkan states!
Theresa: Interesting. Someone will be contacting you soon. Possibly kidnapping and waterboarding you, in fact.
Jewel: I’m into new experiences.

Working on Michael’s formalwear fetish?

Vanessa: Trying to find one outfit in this house I don’t hate.

Good luck.

I’m sorry I let you kill yourself.

Vanessa: Not an apology you get to make very often, is it?

I wonder if it’s all my shitty new Sims that make me appreciate the old ones.

Vanessa: Hey, only I’m allowed to call my husband shitty.

How did you know I meant him?

Vanessa: How could you not?

Yes. That one.

Vanessa: Are you s-

YES THAT ONE.

Vanessa: Boy, he sure was vigorous today.

You used to have a really ugly nose.

Vanessa: That’s shallow.

Having an ugly nose is shallow? Weird.

Theresa: I’m gonna check your house for bugs.
Vanessa: Electronic bugs or bugs-bugs?
Theresa: Na├»ve civilian, thinking there’s a difference.

Vanessa: And now you’re following me.
Theresa: It’s called trailing, and you’re not supposed to notice.

Michael: Today is a day for noticing the wrong things.

Jewel: FUCK YOU FAKE SNOWBOARDERS

Michael: Such wrong things.


Vanessa: Fun fact: he’s never remembered to change this place’s name.

…holy fucking shit.

And I still haven’t!

Abigail, I will let you know when I’ve found someone who’s good enough for you.

And I will let you know right now that that will never happen.

Vanessa: Oh, this should be a fun conversation.

Vanessa: Hey unlover!

Andrew: …well you’re dead.
Vanessa: Nope.
Andrew: Yep.
Vanessa: Nope.
Andrew: Long time now, yep.

William: They sell products for that, you know.

Vanessa: I forgive you for not wanting to date me.
Andrew: Oh, I didn’t know that warranted forgiveness.
Vanessa: Well, it made me kill myself.
Andrew: …I’m not sure I needed to know that.

Andrew: But you sure are gorgeous! And not dead. That’s taking me a while to process actually.
Vanessa: If there’s one thing I’ve learned today it’s that men process slowly.
Brady: Straight men, ma’am.

Vanessa: Aw, don’t tease me.
Andrew: No tease! I didn’t reject you, you just asked me out out of fucking nowhere.
Vanessa: I did, didn’t I? Man, that was a stupid reason to self-immolate.

Vanessa: When there’s so many more green fish in the green sea.

Vanessa: That dude’s green.

Theresa: Man I have a hot boss.
Andrew: A hot garbage boss.
William: Yeah, hi Andrew.

Kennedy: Could you help me with my welding?
Abigail: Sure! Which parts of yourself are you welding?

I get it, everybody likes everybody.

It’s like the opposite of the real world.

William: Why are you green, dude?
Lance: Because I’m an evil warlock?
William: Is that some business I need to get all up ins?
Lance: …no?

William: BRB, robomance.

William: You look different somehow, WEDNESDAY.
WEDNESDAY: I don’t know how you people keep your skin on so effortlessly.

Is there anyone you don’t think is hot?

Theresa: ALVIN.

Oliver: You are very pretty.
Theresa: Aww, thank you!
Oliver: For what? I didn’t do it.

Are there spores in the air or something?

William: You’re so lifelike.

Carolina: Can you leave this lot before we all end up fucking each other?

Theresa: Or after?

Theresa: Some of those people seem glad you’re alive.
Vanessa: Remind me to ask them why.

Andrew: Babe city today.


Sharpe-Whittaker sounds like a fucking comet.

Opening drawers with your fists, huh? I know that OCD feel.

So that’s what you’re up to, this chapter, eh?

Michael: Only because you’re splitting the day in half.

I does what I wants.

Theresa: To do what I want, I’d need a lot more bullets.

Okay, yes, this gets my vote now.

Vanessa: What makes you think you get a vote?

What makes you think anyone else does?

Oops, no, I like this one better.

Vanessa: Why?

Because I know it’s the one you end up wearing.

Vanessa: Fucking predestination.

AND predestined fucking!

Michael: Why are we hugging outside?

Jewel: To forestall our inevitable Vanessa-related deaths.

Next time: maybe some inevitable Vanessa-related deaths?

Then again maybe not.

Maybe just some evitable ones.

The year is very young.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 15 April 2012.

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