The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 333

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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The number of half of the beast.

In just under the wire! As far as future readers will know.


I guess families are an institution.

Gina: I want to go back to that thing about how everything smells like feet in here.

If you’re asking whether there’s an air circulation system, the answer is, I think, ha ha ha.

Neil: We should go out on the town sometime.
Nanette: Sure, let me get a date first.

Ally: I find it hot that she doesn’t find him hot.

Don: Y’all don’t know nothin’ ’bout hot.

Bernard: …is this some weird form of kissing I don’t know about?

Don: Like there’s a form of kissing you do know about.

Don: Oh baby, I’ve missed you.
Renée: Liar.
Don: Yeah, totally.

Don: Mmm. Forgot you existed.
Renée: Oh! There’s the piece of shit I fell in love with!

Ally: What a bunch of useless fucks.
Nanette: No argument here!
Ally: The prisoners, too.

Don: It might be a useless fuck, but it’s a fun one!

I hate seeing you happy.

Don: I know.

Bernard: I think you gross fuckers are getting me dirty.

Renée: You need to stand out of fluid range.

Ally: I hate not hating this.

Nanette: Extra hate, coming right up!

Neil: OW YOU’RE DEMOTED OW YOU’RE DEMOTED AGAIN

And then he cupped her chin gently, because real men don’t hit women.

Neil: I’m just a virtual man. And not a virtuous one, either.

Sure, sure, everybody likes everybody, let’s do this thing.

Yvonne: Man, wouldn’t it be cool to go to university instead of rotting in prison?
Elle: Yeah, you can kill all sorts of people there!

I basically made these people to be attracted to each other, but I forgot to make them interesting.

Bill: It’s okay, baby. I think you’re interesting.

Oh, actually, she’s not bad. You, on the other hand…

Nanette: He’s not wrong.

Don: Empty.
Bernard: Disgusting.

Renée: I don’t know if I can even walk.
Don: Well, you can’t stay here!

Renée: Maybe I should commit a crime.
Don: One they know about, you mean.

Don: But hey, no rush. Just sex visits is fine.

Gina: I’m not about to stop butt-rubbing this chair just so you can carve shit into your diary with a scalpel.

Whump.

Cameron: And now there’s a scalpel in my heart.
Don: Cool.

Cameron: Not cool.

Renée: I just thought of a new plotline.

It’ll have to wait until next year.

Renée: Next game year or next real year?

Yes.

Oh get over yourself.

Nanette: Don’t you mean “get over him“?

I usually say what I mean.

It saves time.

Faith: No hard feelings about my screwing Don?
Cameron: Maybe some soft ones.

Cameron: But I’m more upset about Gina butt-rubbing my diary.

Bernard: How come people in this neighbourhood still expect monogamy?

Because I think it’s funny.

Gina: You know, ENTROPY could probably get you out.
Cameron: I don’t know anybody in ENTROPY.
Gina: Do you know Daisy White?
Cameron: Not really, but… wait, what?
Gina: Man, nobody reads the chapters around here!

BLOOSH

Don: Hot.

Bill: Heartfart!
Bernard: Don’t fart up our dishes!

Nanette: Oh man, Don, you have got to hear what I just did to Neil!
Bill: Why does he get to hear?
Nanette: Because he’s not boring? I mean, comparatively.

Don: Look out, I’m gonna take your keys and escape!
Nanette: Teehee!
Cameron: I don’t know where any of this is going.

Nanette: I know where some of it is going. Some parts of it, I mean.
Don: She means my-
Nanette: I WAS BEING INTENTIONALLY VAGUE

Don: You’re a heck of a woman, Nanette.
Nanette: I know, but it’s good to hear someone say it.

Don: A man would have to be crazy to cheat on you.
Nanette: Right? Because I’d murder them! Right?

Gina: I wish these doors locked from the inside.

Did you cheat on her somehow?

Gina: No, but wait’ll she sees what I rubbed my butt on.

Nanette: I wonder if Neil’s allergic to anything.

Nanette: It’s hot how people think that’s a window.
Bill: I can see snow!
Nanette: No you can’t.

Don: You on tucking duty?
Nanette: Something rhyming with that.

Don: Wait, do you mean…
Nanette: I mean so much.

Nanette: Unfortunately I think I also mean to him.

Bill: OH NO I EXPECTED MONOGAMY

Bill: Fraternizing with the prisoners!
Nanette: I know! Cool, right?

Bill: Nose-breakingly not cool!

How come your nose is breaking?

Nanette: I cast reflect!

Nanette: BUT I CAN’T REFLECT A BROKEN HEARRRRRRRT

Cameron: How cool would it be if someone shot Bambi.

Someone does, I think. Either that or someone blows her up.

Cameron: Oh, neat. Spoilers?

Nobody will remember.

Gina: Nobody will remember any of this.

Yvonne: She’s got a point, you know.

Elle: I have nothing to contribute.

Faith: It just occurred to me that I should be planning an escape.

Don: It occurred to me a while back.
Nanette: What did?
Don: How sexy you are!
Nanette: Aww!

Nanette: Fuck me like that weird albino never could.

Don: You move fast, don’t you?
Nanette: Gotta strike while the iron hasn’t escaped yet.

Don: …you think I’m gonna try to escape?
Nanette: Nah.

Nanette: I think you’re gonna succeed.

Don: You think or you know?
Nanette: Have faith.
Don: Already did, earlier today.

Bill: Dammit, cheating is so hot.

Nanette: Bill’s watching.
Don: Tell him to film it.

Bill: I might.

I’m not sure who seduced who.

Don and Nanette: It was me.

Meanwhile the prison governor is an extemely useful and competent individual.

With a terrific sense of timing and location.

Neil: It’s so hot that you like to do dumb shit too.

Nanette: I’m converting my rage at being slapped into ardour.

Ally: I wish I could convert my ardour into something valuable.

Like a roof for Neil’s house back there.

Neil: Pretty chilly in my no-roof house!

It’s warmer in the cell block.

Don: Make sure my dick’s in the shot.

Don: Did you make sure my dick was in the shot?
Nanette: Focus on what you’re doing, will you?
Don: DID YOU

Don: I just really want people to see my dick.
Nanette: Trust me, the moment people see you, all they see is dick.

Don: That’s sweet of you to say.

Nanette: What can I say, I’m in a romantic mood.

Nanette: Stop staring at my stupid hair.

Bill: Out, cheating spot!

Nanette: You’re pretty good at this.
Don: When you’re a zombie you have to be really good to feel anything.

Nanette: That must mean Cameron’s a better sexer than me.
Don: Well.
Nanette: She’s dead.

Nanette: After we’re done, I mean.

Nanette: Actually now I’m tired. Lucky bitch.

Nanette: …this is not a pleasant view.

It’s better from where I am.

Don: Night, screw.
Nanette: Screw yourself.
Don: After you just so competently did it for me?

Bill: Where do we keep the guns again?

Nanette: Don’t escape too soon, I might need you to scratch another vagina itch.

Nanette: Pretty hot language, Nanette. Pret-ty hot.

Bill: HOW.

Bill: WHY.

Bambi: WHEE.

Bambi: What are we doing?

Melrose Place, apparently.

Bill: I call Melrose! BAM! It’s my place, now!

Nanette: I wanted to be Melrose!

Where the fuck is that.

Bambi: It’s where we keep the guns!

Shit, there are actual guns?!

Bernard: I’d make a gun show joke, but I’m too tired and tasteful.

Nanette: You taste pretty bland to me.

Nanette: Want another taste?
Don: Too much sugar is bad for me.

Don: Luckily I’m bad for you.

Nanette: If this is bad, then I don’t want to be not-bad.

Nanette: There’s a word for not-bad, but I can’t think of it right now with your tongue down my throat.
Don: I don’t know how you can even talk.
Nanette: Got a lot of practice with having my mouth full.

Bernard: That’s hot and gross and hot. And gross.

Nanette: Wanna see my party trick? It’s not hot or gross but it is impossible.

Nanette: Check it.

Nanette: FORCE BACKRUB

Nanette: I’m using mind-controlled nanites. I call them Nanettites.

Bernard: That is the hottest nonsense I have ever disbelieved.

Nanette: Well, I guess we’re the only combination left. Let’s do this thing.

Bernard: Let’s do me.

Bernard: Preferably where my girlfriend won’t see.
Nanette: That’s no fun.

Nanette: Ooh, the Burgundy Mile? You mad romantic you.

Don: I wonder if any of my old mates are still dripping around somewhere.

My little gang of awful survivors.

Nanette: I only have eyes for you, Bernie.
Bernard: What about thought bubbles?
Nanette: Those are private.

Don: I only have privates for you, baby.
Faith: Who you talking to?
Don: Anyone receptive.

Faith: Hey Don.
Gina: Hey, dawn!

Bernard: We could do it on the electric chair.
Nanette: I don’t think the readers know there’s an electric chair.

And I don’t know why there’s an electric chair.

It’s amazing how often I have my Sims do things I consider morally reprehensible.

Neil: It’s because you’re too boring to do morally reprehensible things yourself.

I’m not taking shit from a talking whale penis.

Neil: WHY HAS EVERYONE SEEN A WHALE PENIS BUT ME

Ally: He must not have a mirror.

Cameron: Anybody ever seen a magnifying glass on a daffodil? It’s super fulfilling.

That sounds like something out of Bad Lip Reading.

Yvonne: STOP COCKBLOCKING DON HE WANTS TO BANG YOU

Yvonne: LOOK HOW HE’S POLISHING YOUR BARS HE’S SO SWEET

Don: It’s necessary!

Bambi: This walkie-talkie is a great hair accessory.

Nanette: This meaningless conquest is a great body accessory.

Myrtle: I don’t accessorize.

Yvonne: I am not going to fuck you.
Don: Your loss.
Yvonne: Not feelin’ it, honestly.

Neil: Not feelin’ it is the new feelin’ it.

Unhappy Old Year!

Next time: Happy New Year!

This chapter depicts gameplay from 14 April 2012 to 15 April 2012.

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