The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 332

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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Powering through to the end of a thoroughly shitty year.

Not that I expect 2019 to be fantastic, mind.

The… the “Sharpe Family”? In what sense?

Neil: I like to think of all my prisoners as family members. And all my family members as prisoners!

AAAAAAAAGH TALKING TITLE CARD

AAAAAAAAGH CONSEQUENCES

AAAAAAAAGH PANDERING

Elle: AAAAAAAAGH AAAAAAAAGH AAAAAAAAGH

Bernard: Hahaha funny losers.

Faith: Don said he’s sorry for snapping at you.

Don: That’s not what I said.
Yvonne: Aww, too slow. Perv.

Don: That’s what you think.

Don: I ate so many people.
Cameron: He did! Sorta not really.

Don: I think this was one of them? They all kinda blur together.

Cameron: I miss those days.
Don: I miss all days.

Don: I won’t be missing these days, though, assuming they ever end.
Cameron: Maybe you should do something to make them missable.

Yvonne: WHERE’S THE REHABILITATIVE ASPECT
Faith: Not even fictional prisons have that.

Faith: I hope you brought lots of ideas for passing the next FOREVER YEARS.

Yvonne: I’m gonna FIGHT DON.

Faith: I’m gonna fuck Don.
Don: Yes please?
Cameron: YOUR SISTER IS A RAT-FUCK

Don: Get that shit out of my face.

Don: Oh! Shit! I was talking to the big blue wall blob.
Yvonne: Don’t talk about my sister that way!

Cameron: I was NOT shipping this!

Cameron: We need to get another dude arrested.

Cameron: Because I’m not going gay for any of these people.

Faith: Human contact! How novel!

Don: You think exterior contact is good…

Cameron: You cannot be serious.

Faith: I seriously think he is.

Bambi pambi!

Bambi: That was worth saying out loud.

Neil: Nothing is worth anything.

You don’t know shit. You’re only in 2012.

My mother was still alive. And so was democracy.

Don: Maybe Neil will go on a date with you, Cam.
Cameron: Fuck you, Don.
Faith: I volunteer!

Cameron: Not funny.

Cameron: Where are you going?
Don: To where it doesn’t smell like feet.

Don: We’re making with the out.

Faith: I didn’t even know there was a courtyard.
Don: And nobody uses it, because there are no interactable objects to draw them!

Don: Except wait, here’s one!
Faith: Objectify me, baby.

Elle: Your man and that chick are smooching.
Cameron: He’s not my man, and shut up.

Ally: Morning, Governor!
Neil: That sounds like it should have a British accent attached.

Ally: This thing I’m doing here? I hate that I’m doing it.

Great. What did I do? Try to delete a Sim with their own inventory panel?

Cameron: Great, I get to go through this twice.

Don: We’ve been given a chance to do things differently!
Cameron: Except only after we’re already in jail.
Don: Fate’s a bitch.

Don: Gina’s a hot bitch!
Gina: I’d argue, but I am in jail for murder.

Elle: I’d murder to get in his pants.

You did murder.

Elle: I’m just saying I’d do it again!

Don’t do whatever got the game to crash.

Neil: ‘cuz I’m sure I know what that was.

You’re about to swoon over Neil.

Ally: That’s disgusting and I reject it categorically.

Faith: Wow, there’s a courtyard! I think that’s what I’m supposed to say.

Don: I’m going off-script.

Faith: Courtyard, more like rapeyard. This place is serious grim.

Cameron: Somebody boost me up to the windows, I wanna see the view. And not escape or anything.

Ally: Mornin’ guv’na!
Neil: Don’t talk like that, it’s demeaning.

Ally: DAMMIT

Don: This place is like an Xzibit joke about bricks.

Don: I wonder if Xzibit jokes are still current in the non-jail world.
Faith: I heard you like those jokes.

Faith: Skip the ass, go for the tongue.

Don: Aren’t you a naughty woman!
Faith: Got my whole family killed, I’ll have you know!

Neil: I think my biggest problem with this job is I hate jobs.

Ally: I can totally see why you’re my boss.

Prison pant rugs.

That was a good use of my time.

Faith: You should have spent that time on fixing the outfit edges.

Yeah, woof.

Neil: I’m not sure you want to be doing that.

Faith: Oh man this is way better than death!

Bill: I dunno, death is pretty great.

Bill spent this entire chapter naked in the last-meal-room outside of the electr-

…

Never mind, almost spoiled it.

Those edges.

I hope you guys are enjoying this documentary about someone learning how to Sim over a decade.

Don: I am.

The guards must be horny.

Bambi: Yes.

Bambi: But please, Bernard, not in front of the Klingons.

Faith: Alright mister, drop that soap.

Faith: He knew what I meant!

Yeah, you’ve got the same sense of humour about prison rape, you guys were meant to be.

To be in prison, I mean.

Elle: I’ve been really thinking about things, and I’ve decided that my main mistake was not killing all the witnesses to my original crime.
Bambi: Make sure you tell the parole board exactly that.

Bambi: Hey guess what psychopaths.
Bernard: In prison? No way!

Elle: Better than being a sexopath.
Bambi: Emphatically not!

Don: Emfuckally not!

Neil: I’m just saying we could both have made something more of ourselves.
Ally: You were an all-star and a four-star.
Neil: Okay, so really I’m just talking about you.

So this is what’s happening in this chapter, huh.

Don: Don’t knock it ’til you try it.
Faith: Don’t pimp me out to god, please.

Don: Twenny bucks.

You’re gross.

Bernard: What’s with the hoverhands?
Bambi: It’s our matching personal magnetisms, unfortunately.

Gina: Hey there! I hear you got sent to prison! For life!

Gina: Congratulations.

Yvonne: Hey nobody, thanks.

Don: Welp, that’s that. Got forty more years worth of ideas?

Faith: Forty years can contain a lot of prison breaks.
Don: I like the way you fuck! And think.

Nanette: AAAAAAAAGH MY HAIR

Elle: AAAAAAAAGH MY NUDITY

Faith: aaaaaaaagh books

This is the opposite of a show of force.

Don: Heyyyy sugar!
Bambi: Kiss my ass.

Don: Just point it my way, baby!

Don: You are also cute.
Cameron: Fuck off.
Don: Already got my fuck off today, honey.

Don: So anyway I’m not mad you totally fucking sold me out at my trial.

Oh, Don was just thinking about you.

Renée: He was?!

Yeah, and it must have been super confusing for him.

Renée: Why?

Because he had the want to “Invite Renée over” and he doesn’t know a Renée.

Renée: …oh. Yeah.

Don: I’d still let you play me like a fiddle.
Cameron: Haha, yeah, okay.
Don: By which I mean fiddle with me.
Cameron: Okay. Yes.
Don: By which I mean-
Cameron: YES I GET IT

Cameron: I get it.

Bernard: I want to get it.
Bambi: Then help with the dishes, asshole.

Window shopping?

Yvonne: Remembering windows.

Yvonne: Windows were cool.

I like to imagine that chick-

Cassidy: Cassidy!

…that chick came all the way up here and then went “oh it’s a prison.”

Renée: That’s what happened, I saw it.

Considering commitment?

Myrtle: As one might consider a tumour.

Renée: I’m a visitor!
Myrtle: Speaking of tumours…

Renée: Could you tell them I’m here to see Don Macarevich?
Myrtle: I could! Happy to answer your question.

Renée: You’re funny.
Myrtle: And you’re interrupting my navel-gazing.

Bernard: I’d gaze that navel any day.

Renée: I’m here to see Don.
Bernard: It’s not for, like, hours.

Renée: …
Bernard: …
Renée: …no, like, Don. As in the name. As in your prisoner, Don.
Bernard: Ohhhhhh. Are you sure we have one of those?

Don: Feel that foot feel.
Cameron: It’s a cold foot feel.
Don: That’s what it feels like to be testified against.

Neil: When are we gonna do something about this unspoken thing between us?
Ally: We are doing something about it. And that something is not speaking it.

Bernard: Alright, come on in. Theoretically we have guest facilities.
Renée: Theoretically?
Bernard: I’ve never seen them because everybody everywhere pretty much hates these losers.

Ally: Look man, I really respect you. That’s not true. You’re a giant dickbag and I do not respect you but man that whale penis head of yours is hot.

Neil: Whale penis. Now that’s a name I’ve not heard for a long time. A long time.

Come on, man, who are you kidding.

Past Grugly: Yeah, sorry, you’re right.

Bernard: Some fat chick wants to see you.
Don: All fat chicks want to see me.

Don: It’s the Rule of Inverse Fat-Chick-Seeing-Wanting.
Bernard: I think she knows you?
Don: As in, I don’t want to see them.

Bernard: I think she wants to have sex with you.
Don: I’m just enough of a misogynist for that to be appealing!

Since we apparently need to keep reminding people of this sort of thing: Don is not meant to be sympathetic, or emulated.

Bernard: I can tell she wants to have sex with you because she looks the opposite of how Bambi looks when she does not want to have sex with me.
Cameron: The fuck is any of this.

Renée: Hey baby, wanna participate in a common cliché about prison visits?

Don: …holy shit, it’s… what? How are… You should totally be in jail.

Renée: Yeah, fake identity, it’s pretty great.

Don: You’re lucky you picked a callback I remembered.

Don: Who gave you the fake identity? Because it’s so fake apparently I just met a new person.

Renée: Man, who do you think.

Don: I don’t think. I’m in jail.

Renée: You should spend some of your copious free time on conspiracy theories, then.

Renée: Obviously I got my fake identity from the evil organization of evil.

Renée: Does the name Daisy White ring a bell?
Don: Hot TV actress.
Renée: She’s actually Cecilia Phelps.
Don: Ugly Sharpe kid.
Renée: That is an outrageously outdated description.
Don: Once an ugly Sharpe kid, always an ugly Sharpe kid.