The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 330

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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In which I remember that I used to be an edgy liberal instead of a bleeding-edge liberal.

And regret it.


Emmy: Dick’s Sexplace, how may I jerk you off?

Emmy: No, that’s just my spiel, I don’t really want the details yet.

Emmy: Okay actually thank you for elaborating, you’re not welcome here.

Emmy: We have standards, you know.

Emmy: Yes, exactly. We’re working girls. That means we can refuse unsafe work.

Tiffany: Getting out of bed is work.

I fuckin’ hear ya.

Emmy: NO! It wouldn’t help if you brought a briefcase!

Jasmyn: Somebody left the smoke machine on.

Emmy: We’re in the tallest office building in Centreborough. Make sure you ask everyone in there where the prostitutes are, they’ll know.

Emmy: Fuckin’ frackinfrack.

Richard: Any leads?
Emmy: This entire arrangement is weird.
Richard: Yeah, and it’s not very-

-funny I know I know let’s just get through it.

Kyle: Wow, real wood!

Richard: You’d better have real wood if you’re frequenting this establishment!
Kyle: It suddenly occurs to me how beneath me this all is.

Kyle: Excuse me, I want to see this.

Emmy: Nah man, she got squid vagina.
Kyle: I don’t know what that is, so I’m intrigued.
Tiffany: I like a man who’s not afraid of a little squid vagina!

Emmy: What about me? I’ve got this whole lumberjack aesthetic going!
Kyle: You’re okay!

Gnome: Wave but don’t make eye contact. Wave but don’t make eye contact.

Sure, aim high.

I should just replace all my sex pics with pillow fights from now on.

I’ll only lose the readers who don’t comment 😀

Which is almost all of them D:

Find someone interesting dammit.

That barely counts.

Kyle: Is that… a bigfoot yell?
Emmy: WE DON’T DISCRIMINATE

Kyle: You fucked Bigfoot?
Emmy: His name is Amin, racist!

Okay, anybody play the game here? How much do you have getting Wants for Slow Dancing when you’re trying to get on with a date?

It’s much less annoying in real life.

…I would imagine.

So that’s your contribution to the business.

Richard: I leave little mints too.

Richard: And I tenderize!

Tiffany: Blah blah blah!

I have no record of who these people are talking to.

Jasmyn: WHAT’S THIS I HEAR ABOUT YOU IGNORING VISITORS

Kyle: What are you doing?
Emmy: Fixing your face in my mind in case I need to file a complaint later.

No. You’re cheating. Turn the camera.

Ha! I knew it.

Fucking amateur.

Hmm.

I wish I was a character in my own story so I could hold angry conversations with myself.

Past Grugly: I didn’t have the tools to do this correctly!
Present Grugly: WELL YOU SHOULD HAVE FOUND THEM THEN

Past Grugly: It does look fucking atrocious.

Thank god some animations actually lock to body parts.

Emmy: Yeah, thank god.

Shouldn’t you be soliciting clients?

Past Grugly: I really was not feeling this storyline.

Ah! A point of agreement between us.

This, though, I am totally feeling.

Past Grugly: Same.

Smooch is a good one for hiding height disparities.

Then again, why would you have height disparities unless you’ve got adults and teens kissing?

Emmy: Wait, you’re a teen?
Kyle: I’m like fifty years old.

Richard: MAN that was a good chunk of cheese.

Alvin, I gotta tell you, this chapter won’t increase your star power.

Alvin: I do not want the duck lady.

God damn can you at least touch each other.

Jasmyn: “Duck lady.” Rackinfrackin.

Alvin: I hope you’re not sitting on the mints.

Tiffany: They’re in my as-

NOPE NOPE

There is literally nothing funny about my Abigail.

Tiffany: Even in that-

EVEN IN THAT OUTFIT

Tiffany: STOP INTERRUPTING ME

Okay, I lied.

There is one funny thing about my Abigail.

The fact that she was married to that loser.

Jasmyn: I wonder what that loser’s up to right now.

Alvin: To clarify, I now have a crush on Abigail.

Stephen: I used to be the main character.
Jasmyn: Pff, when?

ZED ZED ZED

Oh, sorry, that won’t parse for my American readers.

ZEE ZEE ZEE

Alvin: Hahaha tits!

Tiffany: Tits McYang, buddy.

Hey, go figure. That chapter is the only search result you get for “Tits McYang.”

Tiffany: Thanks for reminding me I had a chance to be a real character.

Oh, you never had that chance.

Tiffany: Thanks for that, too.

Alvin: Keep talking, it tickles.

Jasmyn: I am strong like sumo wrestler.
Stephen: Sounds hot.

Richard: We need you guys to date more ladies.
Emmy: Do you know any?
Richard: If I did, would I have hired you three?

Alvin: That was mean. And these walls are thin.

Alvin: Thanks for the dick bath!

brb throwing up

Alvin: Me too.

Alvin: She swallowed! What dedication!

Dude, I don’t want to… Why would you…

Alvin: Don’t be gross! I mean she swallowed my barf! When I barfed in her mouth.

Jasmyn: Come over?
Stephen: Come is never over for you guys! Ahahaha.

Jasmyn:

Jasmyn: I’m dialling random numbers. Wanna fuck?

The odds are good.

Richard: I’m just checking to see if you mated.

Caption of the day.

Richard: seriously though did you fuck

Jasmyn: So, you are coming over, or…?
Stephen: Let’s go with “or.”

Jasmyn: What the fuck? Why is everyone saying no today? It’s not like you can see my face.
Stephen: No, but I’m imagining your face based on that voice.

Jasmyn: We’re a very reputable establishment! The cops only visit to partake.

Tiffany: Weird, mentioning the cops didn’t turn him on?

Christ, there’s how many pics left in this?!

Richard: EW EW WASH YOUR HANDS

Tiffany: …actually yes.

Tiffany: ON YOU

And then Richard became an adult woman.

Jasmyn: Okay, new deal: I pay you.
Tiffany: Jesus Christ.

Jasmyn: What do you mean “that’s not enough”?!

Jasmyn: HOW DO YOU PUT BACK PHONE

Jasmyn: NO WAIT STILL TRYING

Tiffany: Maybe the phone book is cursed.

Tiffany: Maybe the phone is cursed.

Maybe Jasmyn is cursed.

Tiffany: Rocketship rides, fair prices?

I’m sorry for this. It’s a stupid plot and my heart isn’t in it.

Jasmyn: You should feel sorry. It’s exploitative and pointless.

Oh, my Sims, my hundreds of little consciences.

At least the scenery is nice.

Jasmyn: Thanks.

Jasmyn: Oh. You meant-

It’s okay, let’s pretend.

Tiffany: PUT YOUR PLANE IN MY HANGAR
Emmy: Going for the hard sell, huh?

Tiffany: ACCEPT MY FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS REQUEST

Tiffany: PUT YOUR LIPS ON ALL MY LIPS

Tiffany: COME GET A ‘JOB!

Emmy: That’s enough of that for one day.

That’s enough of that for EVER.

Tiffany: Come exchange money for sex?

Kyle: I’m a sucker for the direct approach.

Jasmyn: These void wafers are not very filling.

Kyle: OH NO A SENTIENT DUCK MONSTER
Jasmyn: Oh god, where?!

Jasmyn: Oh haha I see what you did there.

Kyle: Sure, bathrooms aren’t sacred now, why not.

Jasmyn: You have a neat forehead.

Jasmyn: Wanna hang out with a sexy lady?
Kyle: That’s a perpetual want!

Jasmyn: Where are you going?

Kyle: Um, duh? To find a sexy lady?

Jasmyn:

Tiffany: Hey Jas, have you seen the bit that’s supposed to go between the wall and the floor? It’s missing.

Tiffany: I don’t even know what it’s called.

It’s called lazy programming.

Jasmyn: UGLY ROMANCE SIMS SHOULDN’T HAPPEN

Gnome: Oh, sure, block my view, asshole.

Dick in a bag or dick with a bag?

This business model is really working.

Gnome: NOT FOR ME

Tiffany: What an asshole! Walking out on poor Jasmyn.

Maybe he just wanted out of this chapter.

Tiffany: Sex workin’ hard, or hardly sex workin’?
Jasmyn: THE LATTER.

Jasmyn: I looked up “ugly” in the phone book, and you were listed.

Jasmyn: Just a second, my teeth are falling out of my jaw.

Jasmyn: Not a turn-on, apparently.

Jasmyn: My insides hurt.

Jasmyn: Okay, this is dumb.

Yes.

Jasmyn: Sex workers are people too.

Yes.

Jasmyn: You were sick to make this household if you weren’t going to take it seriously.

Yes.

The money tree farm is the only thing here I’m not ashamed of.

That, and the views.

Jasmyn: Thanks.

Still pretending, are we.

My aunt has a view like this at her retirement home.

It makes me wish I could fly.

Jasmyn: I get that.

Jasmyn: Maybe you should have tried.

I deserved that.

Where you going?

Jasmyn: I’m opting out.

Opting…?

OH MY GOD

STOP KILLING MARGINAL PEOPLE

That does look fun, though.

Jasmyn: More fun than gargling dick, I tell you what.

Those are pretty rad nearly-last words.

Jasmyn: Do better.

I hope so.

I hope to do better generally.

♪ Hitting an all-time low ♪

This is a good way to close out a shitty year.

Getting the phallus in the shot was clever.

The Grim Reaper: I THINK YOU MIGHT BE PUSHING YOUR PEOPLE TOO HARD.

You think?

The Grim Reaper: YEAH, GOD PUSHED HER OFF THE ROOF.

That’s NOT what…

…well technically…

The Grim Reaper: DO BETTER.

I will.

The Grim Reaper: GOOD.

Gnome: Bye!

Yeah, don’t get up or anything.

Richard: She’s not on-call. I am.

Richard: Hey, awesome! We’re one-third out of this awkward mess!

I profoundly disagree and agree at the same time.

Past Grugly: Look, man, I’m sorry.
Present Grugly: I’m not speaking to you right now.

Emmy: Crazy party last night, huh?

Richard: Can we do the roof-jumping thing to me next?

You… fuckin’…!

Blazej: You know it’s funny.

Richard: It really isn’t.

Richard: What was her problem, anyway?

Me. I was her problem.

Richard: Got some growing up to do, huh?

Apparently I did in TWENTY-TWELVE!

Richard: Well hey man, thanks for sucking.

You should hire me.

Blazej: Want me to back up and run you over, too?

Thinking about it.

Emmy: Nice.

Emmy: Why did you think this was okay?

Because I used to think that not being an asshole made it okay to pretend to be an asshole for jokes.

And then the Nazis came back.

Emmy: Nazis coming back sounds like a bad thing.

Nah, this way we know it’s okay to kill them.

HOT TAKE

Tiffany: I’m glad we can die to provide you with personal growth.

Virtual prostitutes in the refrigerator.

It’s the new trope nobody wanted!

Let’s close out on this hideous image.

Jasmyn: Because I’m in it?

Emphatically not because of that.

Next time: her honour the mayor.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 11 April 2012.

When this still wasn’t okay.

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