The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 329

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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My New Year’s resolution is to not suck balls at continuing my goddamn story.


Good day at work? Destabilizing governments and all that?

Corey: Just ours. I miss anything?

William had a Blue Screen of Death when he realized he’d been fucking his sister.

Corey: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE I MISSED THAT?!

Brandi: PLEASE TELL ME WE HAVE TAPES

Brandi: I can afford to pay. I want to pay!

Corey: I’ve lost my will to live.
Brandi: I’ll bring you food.

Corey: Want to join my secret evil organization?

Corey: We mostly deal in uncomfortable revelations.

Theresa: I’m having one right now!

Theresa: Okay, so I’ll bite: why would I want to be less standoffish with you? When the offish-standing is so good?

Corey: Associating with new people broadens the mind. It’s just a coincidence that broadened minds are angrier.

Theresa: I like our working relationship, where our only relationship is working together.

Corey: Governor Jerkface made you like him, and I am twice as hot as he is. I think I got this.

Theresa: The only thing you two have in common is that you’re both pieces of shit.

Corey: Props for the speech balloon wordplay.

Corey: But I am like twice the piece of shit William is, and I happen to know you’re into it.

Theresa: You happen to be right.

Theresa: So is your secret organization actually evil?
Corey: I dunno, we’ll see what the main plot ends up requiring.

Fucking millennials.

Smart people have no dreams.

Because we live in a vale of tears where dreams never come true.

Corey: Okay, so here’s the dealio.
Theresa: I reject your information under that title.

Corey: We can fuck instead of expositing, then.

Theresa: I’ll join, if only to see what you’re up in.
Corey: Up in your g-
Theresa: My guts, yeah, I walked right into that one arms outstretched.

Theresa: It sucks when the person writing your dialogue writes you into corners.

I know I made up some plot reason for why this lot is bugged and townies can’t leave, but 1) nobody remembers it and 2) it’s still fucking infuriating.

Oh no, what have you done.

♫ Just like an old-time movie, ’bout a ghost from a wishing well ♫

I like my hot townies.

The random number odds were against them and they came out on top.

Theresa: And I prefer to stay on top, thank you.

You know those times when you really, really, really can’t stand the idea of getting up?

William: This is the king of all those times.

Well the plot is moving on without you, I’ll have you know.

William: Can’t have that.

Theresa: It probably is about time I hoovered the dust out of my uterus.

Corey: That’s a sex thing, right? Not a baby thing? Because I don’t want you to have my babies.
Theresa: I hope it’s a sex thing but I think it might have accidentally been a baby thing.

Baby things are often accidental.

Theresa: You set yourself up for that one!

Grugly, the master setter-upper!

GRUGLY!

Theresa: This is like that wall of walkers at Negan’s factory.

This happened half a decade before that aired.

Theresa: And yet I still know about it!

Because your actions are from 2012 but your thoughts are mine from 2018.

William: Does she know I fucked my sister?

I dunno, maybe you should just tell everyone yourself to kill that particular box cat.

Then again it’s the kind of information that might lessen this sort of thing somewhat.

Corey: Eating solid foods already! What a trouper.

Corey: So, she fuck good?

William: You’re trying to take over the SCIA, right? This seems like a really convoluted way of doing that.
Corey: Evil plans are supposed to make a certain amount of nonsense.

Theresa: Aww, look! The black spy and white spy are friends!
Corey: Was that a Spy vs. Spy reference, or are you just being racist?

Corey: The current SCIA chief is a dumbass.
William: And you are probably evil.
Corey: Exactly! Only one of those things is a required quality for a spymaster.

Corey: Arguments?
William: …none.

William: It’s just now occurring to me that spies are terrible.

Corey: I’m not sure I follow.
William: That’s because you want to lead.

Corey: So you’re saying I’m terrible.
Theresa: You’re both terrible.

William: All the spy shit I’ve done in my life is coming back to haunt me.
Corey: Maybe even literally. I’m surprised Cecilia’s ghost isn’t following you right now.

Corey: …that killed my appetite.
William: Mine too.

Corey: You know she probably isn’t dead, right?
William: Yeah, that seems like an end-of-generation kind of storyline.

Corey: Hey, do you think she blew up the courthouse?
William: My sister, makin’ waves.

Corey: ‘cuz it would have either killed William, or made him a hero. And I think she’d be okay with either of those.
William: Can we not talk about this squicky relationship?

Corey: It is squicky.
William: It really is.

Corey: Oh! In case you don’t know, Daisy was Cecilia.

Theresa: Wait WHAT

William: Where the fuck do I go from here?
Corey: You know where the door is.

William: If Cecilia’s still around, she’s almost certainly planning world domination or world destruction or World War Three.

Corey: Ooh, I wonder which side I’ll pick!

Laci: Alarm’s going off.
Vanessa: Hit it.

Corey: The main plot revolves around you two, plus Melanie. It always has.
William: Melanie’s dead.
Corey: So the orbit’s shifted. Get ready to get dizzy.

William: I’m old. I’m tired of being at the centre of this bullshit.
Corey: So just fuck bitches and shoot things. That’s what I’d do. That’s what I do.

Laci: I think it’s about time to retire that “bitches” thing.
Vanessa: It’s time to retire a lot of things.

Corey: Hahaha remember when spy stuff was stealing oil and toppling democratic governments?
Theresa: Nostalgia is hot.

Corey: The way I see it, Cecilia’s too crafty to get caught. You’ll just have to wait until she does her thing and try to react as best you can.
Theresa: Waiting is hot.

William: What if the thing she does kills people?
Corey: I’ll be disappointed if it doesn’t.
Theresa: Killing people is-

WE GET IT

William: I’m starting to think too many people are getting killed.

Corey: Well maybe you should’ve stopped your sister from becoming a mass-murderer, then.

William: Hey, fuck you. You’re right, but hey, fuck you.

Corey: This is all your fault, you know.

Theresa: Oh neck snap!

Corey: She’s going this to impress you and hurt you and turn you on.

Corey: Everyone who’s died has died because-
William: Nope we’re good revelation triggered.

William: She’s mad at me.

Yeah.

William: She fucked me and killed all those people because she’s mad at me.

Seems that way.

William: She’s mad at me because I got famous and she got chased and she didn’t get our last name.

Got a filthy townie name, in fact.

William: I’d be mad too.

Corey: Everyone is suffering because of your stupid family. Melanie wouldn’t have killed herself if you hadn’t fucked up her relationship. Don wouldn’t have accidentally made zombie soup if your dizzy sister hadn’t lit herself on fire.

William: Actually I’m still hung up on the whole sister-fucking thing.

William: What am I going to tell Little Willy?

Corey: Please tell me you never call your son Little Willy.
William: I’m trying to give him a complex. It’s what my dad did.

Corey: Your dad was a piece of shit.

Laci: Take it from his ex: it’s true.

Laci: Oh, hey man! Long time no see!

William: Doesn’t anyone die permanently around here?

Brandi: That’s a big nope!

William: We need to nuke this place and start over.

William: I’m supposed to be mackin’ on babes and sellin’ garbage, not brokering power and fighting wars.

Jizelle: Wa la, zere zhe iz!
Vanessa: I need more sleep to deal with you.

Corey: It hits you in waves, sister-fucking.

William: My heir is Cecilia’s heir.

I’m sure it’ll be fine.

William: I have two MELANIE kids and one CECILIA kid.

And a Vicki kid!

William: They’re gonna start a serial killers club.

Laci: Want a Laci kid?

William: LACI KIDS ARE WHAT STARTED THIS MESS

Corey: Please go fix your brother.
Vanessa: I’m not gonna fuck him, if that’s what you mean.

Vanessa: Which isn’t to say I’m totally averse to fucking

William: Okay! After a hard reboot, I think I’ve got a handle on this!

Rationalization in three… two… one…

William: I got to engage in incest, thereby expanding my already-impressive range of sexual activity, without suffering the stigma of intent because I didn’t know it was incest!

Liftoff!

William: And William Jr. is never gonna know it, but both his parents are hella strong and capable.

Yeah, the things they’re capable of…

Meanwhile Corey has the revelation that sleep is occasionally required.

William: I’ve already fucked one ex-mother-in-law…
Laci: Let me check my schedule, and my legs. I think they’re all open.

Corey: Ugh, I think I’m having Jizelle’s dream.

William: I’m really sorry about what happened to you.
Laci: I appreciate that.
William: It wasn’t Vicki’s fault, she was mind controlled into killing you.
Laci: I refuse to appreciate that.

Laci: But I will pretend not to carry a grudge so as to fuck you.

Laci: Just let me get my fuckin’ suit on.

Theresa: I thought so! There’s a case precedent for accidental incest not being illegal.
Corey: Is incest normally illegal?
Theresa: I don’t know! For some reason I don’t normally think about incest.

William: Hey there, ski-nose.

Theresa: Why are we collecting Sharpes?
Corey: For the Sharpes bin! They’re too dangerous to leave lying around.

Theresa: Again with the wordplay!

On a roll today.

Theresa: Bet you’re glad to be yourself again.
Vanessa: Both my selves are awesome selves.
Theresa: That’s lucky.

Jizelle: Vootball.

Jizelle: Everyone ‘ere wantz to keese you! ‘oo will you joose?
William: I’m surprised you can mangle that hard on the fly.

Vanessa: I’ve been thinking about getting an SCIA contact. Are you the sane one?
Theresa: That’s what I tell myself!

Theresa: You strike me as also being the sane one, out of, you know, your family.
Vanessa: I’m the only one who tried to self-terminate, which does seem like the right thing to do, retroactively speaking!

Theresa: We’ll talk about your fucked-up siblings later.
Vanessa: Assuming there is a “later”!
Theresa: Hahaha! Hellscape.

William: I’ve decided to be drunk all the time.

I feel like there are other things you could be working on right now.

Oops, never mind, carry on.

Sean: Must… avoid… the pee…

Theresa: ‘scuse me, coming through, ew pee.

Corey: All’s I’m saying is I turned the townie-attractor off, what the fuck is happening?!

Theresa: You can’t take three steps without hitting a dying weirdo out here!

William: Hey guys, here’s a thought: don’t hang around until your bodies give out?

Theresa: He’s so wise.

Jizelle: Putting ze eazels in front of ze doorz just made ze townies die outzide.
Corey: Sounds like a solution to me.

Laci: I feel a slight moral twinge, though.

Are you quite certain you’re Cecilia’s mother?

The Grim Reaper: ONE MORE CHEER, FOR OLD TIME’S SAKE?

William: If I run fast enough I can break the no-leaving barrier!

Sure, I’m tired of everyone being here, I’ll allow it.

How’s your morality doing?

Jizelle: Eetz fine.

Jizelle: Zooper’ero!

Jizelle: I wondair if ze new chick iz az evil az moi.

Jizelle: ‘cuz I’m feeling pretty evil right now.

Brandi: You get used to it.

Corey: Mmm, death dreams.

Laci: They cling.

It’s been a while since I said this, but damn this shit is uncaptionable sometimes.

Laci: And unconscionable at all times.

Next times… ahem… next time: workin’ girls.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 6 April 2012.

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