Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
In which the bodies are unburied, the skeletons decloseted.
Iris: For to make more bodies and more skeletons!
That’s a given.
Poppy: Okay, here’s a memory I don’t understand. I remember hating my boyfriend, and my half-sister killing him. Only I thought I was gay, so why did I have a boyfriend, and since when did I have a half-sister?
Corey: Everyone has a half-sister around here. Because everybody fucks everybody.
Poppy: I remember a zombie chick dying in our attic.
That happened, but I’m not looking it up.
Poppy: I remember Oliver Murphy beating up Don Macarevich in our living room. Only how do I remember that, when I didn’t fucking live in this neighbourhood back then?
Jizelle: ‘ow iz ze revelation going downztairz?
Iris: I hate your face-noises.
Poppy: By the way, did someone piss themselves a minute ago? It sounded like someone pissed themselves a minute ago.
Corey: We’ll talk about that in a minute. Keep the memories coming!
Poppy: Haha, okay, I remember this one time, my brother… my brother… my brother…
Poppy: …my BROTHER?
Corey: Oh! I think we have a winner!
Iris: She’s in the long-dark-night-of-the-soul phase of mind-unwiping. It works best when it’s actually dark out, but nobody wants to wait that long.
Corey: Is it all coming back to you? Are there moments of gold, and ♪ flashes of light! Are there things you’d never do again but then they’d always seem right?! ♪
Poppy: Please don’t.
Corey: Hey, so, funny question. Are your eyes real?
Poppy: The fuck you say?
Poppy: Holy shit what?! My eyes were decals?! Who the fuck covers bad-ass red eyes with fucking decals?!
Corey: Maybe somebody who didn’t want you to know you were related to the other people with bad-ass red eyes?
Poppy: I’m part of a secret clan of bad-asses?
Corey: Not so secret, maybe.
Poppy: …this isn’t my face.
Poppy: The fact that your hedges are growing through your walls does not distract me from that fact that THIS ISN’T MY FACE.
Poppy: THAT BITCH STOLE MY FACE
Iris: Sounds like the sun’s coming up for someone.
Poppy: You know who I really am, don’t you?
Poppy: Can you tell me?
Corey: I’m a big fan of that “show, don’t tell” philosophy.
Poppy: …the fuck is this thing?
Corey: This thing killed you.
Poppy: Oh, good.
Corey: So let’s turn it on.
Poppy: I can recognize an inevitable plot when I’m in one.
Corey: Take a good look.
Poppy: Why aren’t you looking?
Corey: Because if I have suppressed memories, I probably suppressed them.
Poppy: Well I’m not looking directly into a gush of fire, dude, even if it will tell me who I am. Because it’ll tell me I’m fucking blind.
Poppy: And anyway OH SHIT I LOOKED
Poppy: …oh shit I looked…
Poppy: Oh shit, I looked great.
Poppy: Red eyes take warning, motherfuckers.
Poppy: Oh, I’m on fire. That sucks. I thought I was some kind of fire witch for a moment there.
Poppy: So I killed myself. Great. That’s good news. Whoever I was, I didn’t like me.
Poppy: …whoever… I… was…
Corey: Welcome to the frying pan, Ms. Sharpe.
Roger: Since we’re bugged out anyway, we might as well get comfortable. It’s a big lawn.
Vanessa: What the fucking fuck.
Corey: You turned the fire off, right? Always turn the fire off before you have an episode.
Corey: Hey, you did! Very responsible.
Vanessa: I’m a Sharpe.
Vanessa: I’m a Sharpe.
Sharpe as they come!
The revelation was too much for Joy.
Joy: Also the pee. The pee was also too much.
Vanessa: This is all some terrible plot. My life is some terrible plot.
Hey! My plots aren’t terrible!
Vanessa: Oh SimChrist, there’s more revelations at the door and they’re knocking hard and the locks won’t hold and I don’t WANT to buy any Girl Scout Cookies of the MIND
Vanessa: NGGGH NO ONE REVELATION PER CHAPTER IS PLENTY THANKS
Vanessa: …the fuck is this?
Oh, hey! He’s been bugged out since I started the neighbourhood! Almost never makes an appearance.
Sim Shrink: Zis zeemed like a zpecial case.
Sim Shrink: You are unhappy that your you is not the you you thought you were, yez?
Vanessa: What? Fuck? What?
Iris: The cool thing will be seeing if her mind is broken forever now and she becomes a drooling wreck.
Jizelle: Who, Brandi?
Iris: …what? No!
Jizelle: Well you made a faulty parallelizm zen.
Vanessa: This is ridiculous.
That’s how you know it’s really happening.
Vanessa: I kind of liked this face.
That hair, though.
Vanessa: Mistakes were made.
Vanessa: Oh, hey. My eyebrows were dyed.
Well, cheer up. Blonde eyebrows have more fun.
Vanessa: Thanks for taking my identity crisis so seriously.
The moment of crisis has passed. It’s more of an identity conundrum now.
Corey: You’ll be okay. In a general sense. Fucked-up in a lot of very specific senses, but in a general, biological sense, okay. Mostly.
Vanessa: Boy are you helping.
Vanessa: Shit, wait! I’m a Sharpe! I’m rich!
That’s the spirit!
Vanessa: …I’m not sure I know how to recreate my face.
You know, you should never put on a new face without knowing how to recreate the old one!
Vanessa: Fuck off.
Corey: If it’s so big, how come I can’t see it under there?
Vanessa: I don’t.
Vanessa: I won’t!
Brandi: Shit woman, you trust him?
Vanessa: I trust him more than I trust my fake sister.
She’s not your fake sister.
She’s your half-sister.
Daisy: I’m offended you didn’t think of me first.
Vanessa: Oh no no no.
Brandi: Clean that up, would you? Whoever you are.
Brandi: The Great Game waits for no piss puddle!
Vanessa: WAH WAH LOOK AT ME MY SISTER IS A PSYCHOPATH
Oh god, wake him up, he’s having a nightmare.
Corey: Hey hey! That’s not where piss goes!
Vanessa: Oh god, I look like that?!
Stop making such a stupid face and it’ll be fine!
Vanessa: I looked better in the flashback.
Vanessa: Ohhhhh Cecilia you’re gonna get it.
Meanwhile Elvis doesn’t want to get blanket cancer.
Vanessa: Whose baby is this?
Iris’. Ugh that looks awful.
Vanessa: …who’s Iris?
Your fake mom.
Vanessa: Yes, but I mean, “fake.” So who’s Iris?
Jizelle: Zperm are very berziztent!
See no doggie.
Jizelle: ‘oo iz ze new chick?
Iris: That’s Vanessa. She’s not new.
Jizelle: Ziz iz too complicated poor moi.
Iris: Yeah, poor you.
Vanessa: She’s Laci.
Vanessa: Ugh, this is too complicated.
Iris: I try not to think about it.
Vanessa: NOT A WORD.
Vanessa: So wait, who’s the fake SimFrench chick?
She wasn’t anybody before. I mean, she was somebody different, but nobody important different.
Iris: I imagine a few hundred chapters from now you have to spend the entire time explaining things that happened before.
More like a few dozen.
Vanessa: I think Iris has the right idea.
Vanessa: It helps knowing that my face is actually my face.
It’s a pretty good face.
Vanessa: Still pretty pumped about the eyes.
Iris: So about how my daughter ruined your life.
Vanessa: You have nothing to apologize for! She did this to you, too!
Iris: Actually she explained everything to me, instead of wiping my mind.
Vanessa: Oh! Well! Fuck both of you, then.
Iris: That’s fair.
Vanessa: Is he okay?
He’s got a lot to think about.
Vanessa: That’s why he’s unconscious?
No, it’s why he’s still unconscious. He’s unconscious in the first place because a superhero kicked him really hard and he pissed himself and passed out.
Vanessa: I thought he smelled funny.
William: I didn’t piss myself. I deployed a tactical slick.
William: And then pissed myself.
William: Wait, are you…?
Vanessa: We’re not talking until you take a shower.
William: I could eat a shower.
William: And then beat the shit out of it.
William: You’re pretty hot.
Iris: And you’re pretty smelly.
William: That mirage sure is following me a lot.
Jizelle: Vat iz he doing?
His brain reset, so he’s taking stock of all the hot chicks he wants to bang.
There are other things he should be taking stock of, but we’ll give him a moment.
William: You’re not real.
Vanessa: I felt that way for a long time, yeah.
Jizelle: *random nonsense*
Jizelle: Do we ‘ave any clozepinz?
William: That is the fakest accent I’ve ever heard.
Vanessa: Real SimFrench accents don’t sound a lot less fake.
William: JUST LET ME EAT FIRST OKAY
William: You’d think nobody had ever been kicked by a superhero, pissed themselves and passed out before.
You’re looking out the windows a lot.
Vanessa: I’m waiting for Cecilia to show up.
She blew up in her car.
Vanessa: Uh-huh. I believe that her car blew up, anyway.
Vanessa: I’m expecting her through the ceiling any minute now.
Well let’s put your brain back in order and see if that eases your anxiety.
I really wish I could do that with mine.
Somebody should use these animations to make a “Commit Suicide” option on ovens.
William: There’s a cheery thought.
Can’t keep a good girl down!
Vanessa: Or even a bad one!
William: Clearly there are hallucinogens in this water.
William: Because that couch looks like it’s completely covered with dead sister.
She looks real to me.
William: That’s because you don’t holy shit she is real.
Vanessa: Hey big brother.
GEE I HOPE I DON’T FORGET ANYTHING WHEN I TAKE THIS VERY IMPORTANT AND TOUCHING PIC
William: How are you not dead?!
Vanessa: I was Poppy!
Iris: And I’m Laci.
William: And I’m the Queen of SimSwitzerland. Are we having fun yet?
William: Why’s nobody laughing?
Vanessa: We are not amused.
William: Laci is also dead.
Iris: You’ve got the wrong tense there, buddy.
William: I don’t get it. Dead people are showing up and telling me that they’re other people.
Iris: You don’t get it because you don’t want to get it, dude.
Vanessa: Laci died, and Daisy brought her back as Iris.
William: Okay. No.
Vanessa: And before that I died, and Daisy brought me back as Poppy!
William: No no no.
Vanessa: Want me to connect the dots for you?
William: I don’t think I’ll like the shape they form.
Iris: But I am super looking forward to seeing your face when the salient detail hits you.
Vanessa: There is no Daisy, William. There never was.
William: Excuse me, I fucked Daisy. I married Daisy. I even killed Daisy once, and that’s the whole damn party game!
Vanessa: Let me help you out. If I’m Vanessa, then Daisy must be…?
William: A jerk?
William: She’s the mother of one of my kids.
Vanessa: That’s really awkward, yeah. Me, I wouldn’t tell him.
Vanessa: NOW TELL ME WHAT I WOULDN’T TELL HIM, WILLIAM!
Vanessa: I KNOW YOU’RE SMARTER THAN THIS. THEY LET YOU CARRY AN ASSAULT RIFLE.
Hey, that’s no metric these days.
Vanessa: Daisy isn’t my sister, William. She’s my half-sister.
William: CECILIA IS YOUR HALF SISTER, STUPID!
Vanessa: You alright? You look a little wobbly.
Iris: Ha! Priceless.
Iris: I’m glad I changed couches, this angle is much better.
Vanessa: I think he gets it.
He doesn’t want it, but yeah.
I told you not to fuck her.
William: What? Why?
Because she’s your si-
Daisy: BECAUSE I’M YOUR SYMPATHIZER
No, see, she’s just imperson-
Daisy: I’M JUST IMPERSONAL
Look, she killed your pa-
Daisy: I KILLED YOUR PANDA
William: Shit, that was you? I loved that panda!
I guess it makes sense that William would find his half-sister attractive, being so damn narcissistic.
William: What half-sister? Who has a half-sister?
William: Your eyes are so beautiful and blue… almost familiar… like I’ve known you all my life!
Almost like they’re exactly the same as your eyes, am I right?
William: Yeah. Hey, yeah! It must be destiny!
Alright, you deserve what you’re about to get.
William: This… feels weird.
William: When I kiss you… it kinda feels like… like I’m kissing my sister.
William: You never told me where you were from, anyway.
Daisy: Oh, out of town.
William: That’s not very specific.
Daisy: You are entirely correct.
William: I just can’t get rid of the feeling that I’ve seen you before.
William: How come you made me make the first move?
Daisy: I think a man has the right to decide if he wants to damn himself or not.
William: I refuse to give that further thought.
Daisy: Oh… it feels so good…
Daisy: No, revenge.
William: I’ve never felt such a strong connection with anyone, Daisy.
Daisy: You know what they say, blood is thicker than semen.
William: I don’t know what that means 🙂
Daisy: I know 🙂
Daisy: Oh, brother! There thou art!
William: You really ought to quit calling me “brother” and making all these weird family-related jokes. It’s kinda creeping me out.
Daisy: Shit just seems so amateur when there’s no foreshadowing, that’s all.
William: See, there you go again!
William: I feel like I’ve known you all my life!
Daisy: That’s silly, I’m fourteen years younger than you.
William: That’d be… 25? 26 APV? Wow, you were born the same year as my half-sister!
Daisy: Nonsense. She wasn’t truly born until she cracked her first skull.
William: You sure seem to have her pegged.
Daisy: We’re both square pegs in round holes, she and I.
William: You can’t get a square peg in a round hole.
Daisy: You can if you apply enough force.
William: How come you keep giving me those appraising looks whenever we’re done screwing?
Daisy: I’m calculating revenge points. I figure each fuck is worth about fifty.
William: Should I ask who you’re getting revenge on by fucking me?
Daisy: You really, really shouldn’t.
William: I trust your judgement.
William: Is there a reason you always blow bubbles before we have sex?
Daisy: It’s medical.
William: And what is it supposed to be curing, exactly?
Daisy: Incesty flipper babies. We’re not using protection, you know?
William: These incest jokes are coming so fast and furious that I’m starting to suspect they’re not really jokes.
Daisy: Ha ha, don’t be silly.
William: I wish you’d explain to me why it’s so bad that we’re having sex.
Daisy: Be careful what you wish for. You might just get it. And once you’ve got it, it’ll take decades of psychotherapy to get it back out again.
William: Mm. Daisy, I feel like we were meant to be together.
Daisy: You know what they say, blood is thicker than water.
William: I’m gonna go home before I figure out what you meant by that.
William: Hi! I’m William, and this is Daisy.
Michael: Your sister?
William: What? No. Why?
Michael: I heard her call you “brother.”
William: Just a figure of speech.
Daisy: Yeah. Definitely. Nothing more than that. Mmhmm.
William: Why did Laci look like Daisy’s mom in my speech balloon? That’s weird.
William: Man, Daisy sure was loaded.
Her family was very rich.
William: Weird! So was mine!
William: Why do I suddenly feel disgusted with myself?
Daisy: I know why I feel disgusted with myself. But you don’t know shit.
William: What’s up, sister?
Daisy: …don’t call me that.
Daisy: He’s gonna have really uncomplicated genetics, I can tell you that much.
William: What does that mean?
William: Wow, this skintone sure is familiar!
Daisy: From your dreams, I’m sure.
William: MAN, you’ve got muscles! What’s your routine?
Daisy: It’s all in the wrist.
William: I don’t get it.
Daisy: Good for you.
Daisy: Good for all of us, really.
Daisy: Am I boring you?
William: For a moment I thought you were the only person in this neighbourhood without a dark and mysterious past, and it was so hot and novel.
Daisy: We can pretend I’m boring if that’s what interests you.
Iris: So this is just a flashback episode now?
Vanessa: It’s been a long time coming, let it play out.
Vanessa: Although I do note that my flashback series was only five pictures long.
Well you didn’t fuck marry kill your sister.
Vanessa: …speaking of which, where is my actual sister?
Oh, you accidentally burned her to death.
Vanessa: THE HITS KEEP COMING
Jizelle: I’m going to claim-jump ze book rightz for ziz.
William: semslac… etht’tdt… ahitec:isaarIi’iwtns…
William: Daisy, I’ve never felt so connected to someone before!
Daisy: It’s so sad you’ll never know why!
William: Will you tell me if I give you a backrub?
Daisy: I won’t tell you if you don’t, that’s for sure!
Daisy: Phew! That was great!
William: Good enough for some sweet sweet revelation action?
Daisy: Tell you what, I’ll whisper it into Captain Sparkles.
William: My woman, the dick whisperer.
Captain Sparkles: .oO(Someone told me something weird once. Wanna hear it?)
Captain Sparkles: .oO(I matter! Yeah! That was really nice to hear.)
William: Daisy White, you are the least trustworthy and most suspicious woman I know.
Daisy: I’ve worked really hard to make you see that.
William: Will you do me the honour of becoming Mrs. Sharpe?
Daisy: I really feel like I’ve earned it.
Daisy: I win.
William: We both win!
Daisy: Nope, just me.
William: Welcome to the Sharpe family, Daisy.
Daisy: It means a lot to me.
William: Why is your voice different?
Daisy: It’s the heady rush of victory.
Daisy: Yeah, you’ve got a whole lifetime of fun ahead of you now, Billy.
“Cecilia”: I was killed by your half-sister.
William: That is a picture of Daisy.
“Cecilia”: Probably neighbourhood file corruption or something.
William: Not a bad turnout.
Daisy: I just wish my family could be here.
William: You mean my family, right? Because I thought you only had your mom and your sister.
Daisy: Right! I keep forgetting that my family and yours are supposed to be separate things.
Daisy: Okay, so here’s my vow: I vow to advance the interests of our family, as I deem them.
Daisy: Using whatever force is necessary.
William: And I vow to figure out what that cryptic statement means.
William: How DARE you! I got you a perfectly-good non-murderous mom-
Daisy: Well! Look at these fine gentlemen!
William: You shouldn’t swoon over your own son, Daisy. That’s called incest.
Daisy: Yeah, wouldn’t want to start down that path.
Cecilia: IT’S WHAT’S INSIDE THAT MATTERS
Daisy Cecilia: I’m gonna bring you down, Mister Governor.