The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 326

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

Click Here for Previous Entries!

If you haven’t already, check out Chapter 325 first. And then don’t hold it against me.


Gavin: Pick the fuckin’ garbage up, dude!
Lance: You look pretty heavy, though.

Lance: One day I’ll be able to shoot this shit out of my hands.

I should totally have used this as an opportunity to bring the Grey Lady to life as a character.

Nah, that’s silly. Living statues? I’d never do that.

Lance: Still using foreshadowing as an excuse not to think up captions, huh?

And lampshading it as an excuse to not think up more captions!

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Um, so, wow?

He’s a young dude. There’s gonna be a lot of porn on there.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Well yeah, but three terabytes of snuff porn?

Lance: I’m so glad IKEA has an evil warlock section.

The stucco kind of ruins the effect, though.

Lance: Nah, man, stucco is evil.

How so?

Lance: Ever let go of a helium balloon in a house with stucco?

…and the childhood tragedies come rushing back.

What are you staring at?

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: The icons.

Why?

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Just… remembering what it was like when society knew what “icon” and its derivative terms meant.

There’s a bad person in your house.

Sunny: There was one there when I left.

Sunny: Oh, but this is a new bad person! A good bad person.

Sunny: Tortoiseshell glasses? That’s cruel.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: WELL MAYBE THE TORTOISES HAD IT COMING

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Are you Lance’s concubine?
Sunny: Pretty sure he’s mine.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Well anyway hi. I’m Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock.
Sunny: Nice to meet you, Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock!

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock. Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock. Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock.

Sunny: Lance Price the Mean Warlock! I’m home!

Lance: She says like I care.

Lance: Oh shit, wait, hormones!

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: That’s my bad deed done for the day!

But who collapsed the neighbour’s yard?

Lance: Hey stairs, lookin’ good.

Sunny: You’re green.
Lance: We’re a colourful couple.

Lance: Look, I glow now!
Sunny: Good, I’ve always wanted to live in a grue-proof home.

Sunny: Ew, don’t touch me you green freak.

Lance: Stupendous and unheard-of splendors await me below, and I will seek them soon.
Sunny: No butt stuff, I told you.

Lance: I was quoting H.P. Lovecraft.
Sunny: You were quoting that Family Circus mashup.
Lance: …yeah. I was.

Sunny: I could tell because of the way you spelled “splendours.”

Lance: You ready for a booty call of Cthulhu?

Oh, woof.

Lance: It’s you writing this shit, buddy.

Luckily Sunny has bad taste.

Sunny: More like a taste for tongue.

Who’s cheating on who?

Oh, wait, I know!

Everybody’s cheating on everybody.

Sunny: It’s the municipal pastime!

Sunny: Now, to download more snuff porn.

Lance: I thought that joke was about me.
Sunny: It was! But this is my computer. We’re making the joke twice.
Lance: Wouldn’t be the first time.

Lance: Lazy jokes are too evil even for me.

Sunny: I’m not sure I’m okay with this development.

Don’t worry, it kills him eventually.

Sunny: Okay.

Lance: And then I return, triumphantly, to deliver the kiss of death to this entire corrupted world!

Yeah, that too, more or less.

Lance: Okay.

Lance: Does this get Sunny killed?

Let’s just say it doesn’t all work out to her satisfaction.

Lance: Dude, if you’re gonna substitute foreshadowing for jokes at least make it good foreshadowing.

Lance: This smells like goat piss.

Let me guess. Evil goat piss.

Lance: Mwahahaha! Don’t steal my thunder.

You know what pisses me off?

There’s a cheat code which, had I known it at the time, would have made all the trees in the background visible.

Sunny: You know what pisses me off?

That I’m too disengaged from what’s going on to actually caption it properly?

Sunny: Yeah, that.

Sunny: That pisses me off.

Lance: MAJEKODUNMI!

Wait.

Lance: What?

They used those weird Maxis employee names as magic spells?

Lance: They work better than they do as names.

True enough.

Lance: I think my favourite thing about the green glow is that it obscures how stinky I am.

Lance: Hey Sunny! Come see how you can’t smell me!

I do so love the sentences this story makes me type.

Lance: Oh, you’re stoned anyway.

There’s something semantically wrong about getting stoned off bubbles.

Sunny: Whoah dude! Easy on the particle effects!

Yeah, if this crashes I’m killing you both and moving on.

Sunny: Oh, green. My favourite colour.

Somehow I would have guessed blue?

Sunny: Can’t imagine why.

Lance: ♪ I put a spell on you! ♪

Lance: ♪ Because you’re mine.

Sunny: ♪ You better stop the thing that you’re doin’! ♪

Sunny: ♪ I said “Watch out!” I ain’t lyin’! ♪

Lance: Ew, not the CCR version. Never the CCR version.

The worst thing about creativity is that it doesn’t care if it’s being evil.

Lance: Come again?

My brain immediately came up with a joke about domestic abuse for this caption, and then presented it to my emotional intelligence, which responded with “Dude, what? Fucking ask me if I want something like that before you go off and create it!”

Sunny: STILL LESS EVIL THAN SICCING BEES ON ME

Attack of the Sprites.

Sunny: GET THIS 2-D SHIT OFF ME

Sunny: HOW DO YOU SWAT THINGS WITH NO MASS

Lance: Having fun?
Sunny: Do I look like-
Lance: Can’t tell, not looking!

Sunny: Cute.

Lance: So, this wallpaper.

Yeah.

Lance: I bet you know the name of the Photoshop filter that did that.

Maybe.

That is some serious leggage you’ve got going there.

Sunny: Like you’re looking at my legs.

Um, hey, newsflash? Genitals: kinda gross-looking.

Sunny: You think that’s bad, you should see the one giant bee-sting that is my back.

Lance: That weird dildo I stole from Andrew Baity the-

Can we just call him Andrew?

Lance: You want people to not call you Dr. when you get your degree?

Lance: ANYWAY that weird dildo I stole from-

Clearly it was a magic wand.

Lance: YES ANYWAY it’s not mentioned in here anywhere.

Must be custom content then.

Lance: Ooh… I hope it’s naughty custom content.

Lance: There is something in here about an evil book that eats souls.

That’s custom content too, actually.

Lance: Oh, really? This thing needs an index, then.

Lance: Man! So many evil possibilities.

In future chapters Lance will just be represented as a green blob.

Lance: I’m looking forward to it.

What a pretty picture!

Sunny: Thanks?

I meant the scenery. Which would look better if I’d known about the cheat code-

Sunny: Fuck’s sake dude.

Plotting revenge?

Sunny: Always.

This looks like a New Yorker cartoon.

Minus the nudity.

Sunny: Time to get on the SCIA watchlist with my Google searches.

Playing magic characters is so much fun.

Precisely as much fun as WATCHING SOMEONE READ A BOOK.

Even pooping is more interesting.

Especially naked pooping.

Sunny: WE NEED TO GET YOU A HOBBY.

More like we need to get YOU a hobby.

One you don’t suck at.

I hope Lance’s plan is to go full Voldemort on the Maxis townies.

I hope Sunny’s plan is to not put pants on.

Oh, I see. I was trying to do an artistic thing at the end here.

It didn’t work.

Lance: Oh, wow. I don’t know what I was expecting, but this much baby-eating, not so much.

Next time: trailer park round-up.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 6 April 2012.

2 Comments

  1. Hehe, yeah, can’t make 2012-appropriate jokes in 2018, now, can we! Good thing you caught yourself!

    Genitals ARE kinda gross-looking. But female less so than male, imho.

    Cool, foreshadowing… I’ll look forward to seeing some awesome statues come to life (not too late to do the Grey Lady! …or maybe it is, this was ages ago) and I’ll detach myself from Lance before he gets himself killed 😀

    1. Nothing is appropriate in 2018. 2018 is the apocalypse.

      I don’t know. All I’ll grant you is that they’re different kinds of gross.

      Lance will do plenty to detach himself from you. As for the living statues, that might be soon.

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