Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
If you haven’t already, check out Chapter 325 first. And then don’t hold it against me.
Gavin: Pick the fuckin’ garbage up, dude!
Lance: You look pretty heavy, though.
Lance: One day I’ll be able to shoot this shit out of my hands.
I should totally have used this as an opportunity to bring the Grey Lady to life as a character.
Nah, that’s silly. Living statues? I’d never do that.
Lance: Still using foreshadowing as an excuse not to think up captions, huh?
And lampshading it as an excuse to not think up more captions!
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Um, so, wow?
He’s a young dude. There’s gonna be a lot of porn on there.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Well yeah, but three terabytes of snuff porn?
Lance: I’m so glad IKEA has an evil warlock section.
The stucco kind of ruins the effect, though.
Lance: Nah, man, stucco is evil.
Lance: Ever let go of a helium balloon in a house with stucco?
…and the childhood tragedies come rushing back.
What are you staring at?
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: The icons.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Just… remembering what it was like when society knew what “icon” and its derivative terms meant.
There’s a bad person in your house.
Sunny: There was one there when I left.
Sunny: Oh, but this is a new bad person! A good bad person.
Sunny: Tortoiseshell glasses? That’s cruel.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: WELL MAYBE THE TORTOISES HAD IT COMING
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Are you Lance’s concubine?
Sunny: Pretty sure he’s mine.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Well anyway hi. I’m Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock.
Sunny: Nice to meet you, Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock!
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock. Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock. Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock.
Sunny: Lance Price the Mean Warlock! I’m home!
Lance: She says like I care.
Lance: Oh shit, wait, hormones!
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: That’s my bad deed done for the day!
But who collapsed the neighbour’s yard?
Lance: Hey stairs, lookin’ good.
Sunny: You’re green.
Lance: We’re a colourful couple.
Lance: Look, I glow now!
Sunny: Good, I’ve always wanted to live in a grue-proof home.
Sunny: Ew, don’t touch me you green freak.
Lance: Stupendous and unheard-of splendors await me below, and I will seek them soon.
Sunny: No butt stuff, I told you.
Lance: I was quoting H.P. Lovecraft.
Sunny: You were quoting that Family Circus mashup.
Lance: …yeah. I was.
Sunny: I could tell because of the way you spelled “splendours.”
Lance: You ready for a booty call of Cthulhu?
Lance: It’s you writing this shit, buddy.
Luckily Sunny has bad taste.
Sunny: More like a taste for tongue.
Who’s cheating on who?
Oh, wait, I know!
Everybody’s cheating on everybody.
Sunny: It’s the municipal pastime!
Sunny: Now, to download more snuff porn.
Lance: I thought that joke was about me.
Sunny: It was! But this is my computer. We’re making the joke twice.
Lance: Wouldn’t be the first time.
Lance: Lazy jokes are too evil even for me.
Sunny: I’m not sure I’m okay with this development.
Don’t worry, it kills him eventually.
Lance: And then I return, triumphantly, to deliver the kiss of death to this entire corrupted world!
Yeah, that too, more or less.
Lance: Does this get Sunny killed?
Let’s just say it doesn’t all work out to her satisfaction.
Lance: Dude, if you’re gonna substitute foreshadowing for jokes at least make it good foreshadowing.
Lance: This smells like goat piss.
Let me guess. Evil goat piss.
Lance: Mwahahaha! Don’t steal my thunder.
You know what pisses me off?
There’s a cheat code which, had I known it at the time, would have made all the trees in the background visible.
Sunny: You know what pisses me off?
That I’m too disengaged from what’s going on to actually caption it properly?
Sunny: Yeah, that.
Sunny: That pisses me off.
They used those weird Maxis employee names as magic spells?
Lance: They work better than they do as names.
Lance: I think my favourite thing about the green glow is that it obscures how stinky I am.
Lance: Hey Sunny! Come see how you can’t smell me!
I do so love the sentences this story makes me type.
Lance: Oh, you’re stoned anyway.
There’s something semantically wrong about getting stoned off bubbles.
Sunny: Whoah dude! Easy on the particle effects!
Yeah, if this crashes I’m killing you both and moving on.
Sunny: Oh, green. My favourite colour.
Somehow I would have guessed blue?
Sunny: Can’t imagine why.
Lance: ♪ I put a spell on you! ♪
Lance: ♪ Because you’re mine. ♪
Sunny: ♪ You better stop the thing that you’re doin’! ♪
Sunny: ♪ I said “Watch out!” I ain’t lyin’! ♪
Lance: Ew, not the CCR version. Never the CCR version.
The worst thing about creativity is that it doesn’t care if it’s being evil.
Lance: Come again?
My brain immediately came up with a joke about domestic abuse for this caption, and then presented it to my emotional intelligence, which responded with “Dude, what? Fucking ask me if I want something like that before you go off and create it!”
Sunny: STILL LESS EVIL THAN SICCING BEES ON ME
Attack of the Sprites.
Sunny: GET THIS 2-D SHIT OFF ME
Sunny: HOW DO YOU SWAT THINGS WITH NO MASS
Lance: Having fun?
Sunny: Do I look like-
Lance: Can’t tell, not looking!
Lance: So, this wallpaper.
Lance: I bet you know the name of the Photoshop filter that did that.
That is some serious leggage you’ve got going there.
Sunny: Like you’re looking at my legs.
Um, hey, newsflash? Genitals: kinda gross-looking.
Sunny: You think that’s bad, you should see the one giant bee-sting that is my back.
Lance: That weird dildo I stole from Andrew Baity the-
Can we just call him Andrew?
Lance: You want people to not call you Dr. when you get your degree?
Lance: ANYWAY that weird dildo I stole from-
Clearly it was a magic wand.
Lance: YES ANYWAY it’s not mentioned in here anywhere.
Must be custom content then.
Lance: Ooh… I hope it’s naughty custom content.
Lance: There is something in here about an evil book that eats souls.
That’s custom content too, actually.
Lance: Oh, really? This thing needs an index, then.
Lance: Man! So many evil possibilities.
In future chapters Lance will just be represented as a green blob.
Lance: I’m looking forward to it.
What a pretty picture!
I meant the scenery. Which would look better if I’d known about the cheat code-
Sunny: Fuck’s sake dude.
This looks like a New Yorker cartoon.
Minus the nudity.
Sunny: Time to get on the SCIA watchlist with my Google searches.
Playing magic characters is so much fun.
Precisely as much fun as WATCHING SOMEONE READ A BOOK.
Even pooping is more interesting.
Especially naked pooping.
Sunny: WE NEED TO GET YOU A HOBBY.
More like we need to get YOU a hobby.
One you don’t suck at.
I hope Lance’s plan is to go full Voldemort on the Maxis townies.
I hope Sunny’s plan is to not put pants on.
Oh, I see. I was trying to do an artistic thing at the end here.
It didn’t work.
Lance: Oh, wow. I don’t know what I was expecting, but this much baby-eating, not so much.
Next time: trailer park round-up.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 6 April 2012.