The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 324

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

In which the possibilities of the medium are experimented with.

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Vicki: My son is a maniac.

Well, his mother was… mmf.

Vicki: Say it.

Naw.

Vicki: Say it.

His mother was a serial killer?

Vicki: Man, you never live anything down in this neighbourhood.

It’s Samantha’s birthday!

At this point her name was Leah.

I don’t remember why I changed it.

I certainly don’t have an explanation for why you need to know this.

Nick: Lemme blow her stank your way.

Mallory: Man, I was really hoping the pointless walkby algorithms would change when I became playable.

Vicki: Not gonna lie, kid, I don’t see that haircut aging well.

Vicki: Now let’s spit on your cake.

Samantha: Yay?
Vicki: Oh yeah! You can talk.

Samantha: Only when I choose to not be eating myself.

The very definition of body horror.

Oh, wow!

It got worse.

That’s right, keep a safe distance.

Vicki: Mommy’s little demon.

Valerie: Auntie’s entire cake.

Attack of the Time Dragon!

You can not be serious.

Valerie: Not even if I try, no. You’re right!

No wonder these things break so often.

It’s an improvement, I guess, but only just.

Nick: Fuck you Aunt Valerie!
Samantha: Yeah Aunt Valerie, you suck!
Vicki: What did she do…?
Nick: You’ll see when you empty the dishwasher. If you CAN.

Nick: Oh hey, it’s Cheaty McCheatFace from the McCheatFace Household!

Vicki: I think McCheatFaces should go on a registry.

Vicki: On second thought, as a former science experiment and accidental serial killer, I am generally opposed to registries.

Debbie: Keep the engine running while I investigate certain words I just overheard.

Debbie: Did the word “former” also apply to “serial killer” in the previous sentence?
Vicki: What are you, the grammar police?
Debbie: No, I’m just wondering if I need to call the actual police.

Vicki: The Maker killed our last nanny. You should probably leave.
Debbie: Oh, do you attribute all your serial killings to the Maker? That’s pretty typical crazy person stuff, as crazy person stuff goes.

Sunny: Your lawn makes me think we need a homeowners’ association.

Vicki: You need something, Sunny?
Sunny: I’m just here to brighten your day!
Vicki: Ugh.

Valerie: I’m home!
Vicki: Nuh-uh. You don’t have a home. You’re a renter who doesn’t pay rent.
Valerie: …I’m going back to work.

Kitty: CURSE YOU FOR STEALING THAT SLUTTY MAN FROM ME

Laci: I WANT WHAT YOU HAVE

Kitty: Hahaha where’d the shovel go.

Kitty: Seriously, lady?! A fucking axe?!
Vicki: It… made sense at the time?
Kitty: AXE MURDER NEVER MAKES SENSE!

Vicki: That’s kinda been my experience, yeah.

Whatever you found, I hope you can use it to weigh down the bus shelter before it floats off.

Colin: I’m telling.

Vicki: I’m soaking.

SKLRCH

Chief: .oO( )

Vicki: Great. Awesome. Dog thoughts all over my dirt.

Luckily nothing vital is stored in Chief’s head.

I guess one big puddle is better than two small puddles.

That’s the Alice’s Restaurant theorem.

Nick: Your theorem stinks.

Nick: I applaud you for recognizing the general theme of the yard and contributing to it, Chief.

Chief: .oO(I peed a pee.)

Angelica: Hey there doggy-dog!
Chief: .oO(Hey there pissy-foot!)

Angelica: Your dog gave me piss-foot.
Vicki: I’m still not even clear on how he became my dog.

Yeah… me either, actually.

Nick: Theft is nine-tenths of possession.

Nick: I stole this dog.

Kitty: We got beef, sister! I think we’re actually sisters.

Ember: I’M HERE TO EXPOSE YOU

Vicki: …I think I know how to deal with this.

Vicki: Because trash cans are serious business.

Laci: GIVE ME YOUR MAN

Vicki: You can’t have him!
Kitty: Okay! I agree with whatever that means! I see your point! As it were.

Laci: YOU’LL HAVE TO DESTROY ME TO STOP ME

Kitty: I’ll buy you a new garbage can! Two new garbage cans!

Vicki:
Kitty: This is all just a misunderstanding! On your part!
Vicki:
Kitty: Entirely on your part!

Vicki: I sure am, Laci.

Kitty: What? What does that mean? Who’s Laci?!
Vicki: THE DRUG OF LOOOOOOVE!

Whuck.

Whuck.

Whuck.

Whuck.

Whuck.

Whuck.

Whuck.

Ember: I DESERVED THIS

Kitty: I didn’t deserve this

Vicki: Awesome!

Vicki: No witnesses!
The Grim Reaper: SHO, I DINT SEE NOTHIN

Vicki: …this isn’t right. This isn’t…?

Brooke: I AM THWARTED

Kennedy: JUSTICE HAS BEEN DONE

Kitty:

Vicki: OHHHHH NO NO NO NO I TAKE IT BACK

Vicki: I take it back so hard

Vicki: The axes made me do it. I thought it couldn’t happen again but it did happen again and I’m so sorry and…
The Grim Reaper: HEY, DON’T APOLOGIZE TO ME, DOLL. THIS IS MY WHOLE THING!

Nick: Hey mom, who’s the… victim…?
Vicki: Can’t we arm wrestle for this or something?!
The Grim Reaper: WITH THESE BONY ARMS? ARE YOU JOKING?!

The Grim Reaper: THIS SURE AS HECK DOESN’T LOOK LIKE AN ACCIDENT, LADY.
Nick: He’s got a point, mom.
Vicki: STOP HELPING DEATH

The Grim Reaper: FINE. SHELL GAME.
Vicki: What?
The Grim Reaper: SHELL GAME FOR HER SOUL.
Vicki: …what?!

Vicki: You’re serious.
The Grim Reaper: DEAD SERIOUS.

Vicki: This seems a bit… irresponsible? Overly whimsical?
The Grim Reaper: LECTURE ME ON MORALITY WHEN YOU’VE IMPROVED YOUR SAFETY RECORD.

SKISH

The Grim Reaper: WE MIGHT NEED TO DO BEST TWO OUT OF THREE NOW.

Debbie Olshfski: I’m not getting out while the Grim Reaper is here, if you’re wondering.

Vicki: Any ideas, Nick?
Nick: It’s in his right hand.
Vicki: Are you sure?
Nick: No, but I don’t really care, either.

The Grim Reaper: GOOD THING.

Vicki: OH GOD, NOBODY PICK THE CAN BACK UP

Vicki: Oh god I killed a woman over spilt trash.

The Grim Reaper: YOU ARE THE AGENT AND I AM THE AGENCY

The Grim Reaper: I THINK YOU MIGHT NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP, LADY.

Debbie: “Former,” huh.

Vicki: I told you to fuck off already!
Debbie: Oh, you’re getting mad! Is this the part where you axe murder me, axe murderer?!

Vicki: We don’t have time for that, the bus shelter is getting away.

You’re looking awfully sanguine.

Vicki: Sanguine I’m used to.

The Grim Reaper: OOPS. HOW BADLY DID YOU NEED THAT LICENSE PLATE?

Debbie: Should I call the cops, or do they have you under surveillance already?

NAME: IT’S FINE I DON’T GOT NO SCHEDULE TO KEEP OR NOTHIN

Laci: NOTHING AWAITS ME

Kitty: If anyone figures out what just happened please let me know.

Samantha: This report card is totally gonna ruin my mom’s doubtless otherwise excellent day.

Nick: You are gonna call Billy, right?
Vicki: I was thinking of just crawling in this hole, actually.

Vicki: Also, “Billy”?
Nick: Nobody who names their penis should have a name like William.

Vicki: I KILLED SOMEBODY
William: Was it somebody we like?

Vicki: I had weird acid axe flashbacks and it was like the mind-control shit all over again.
William: Did the audience at least get to see what it looked like from your perspective? That’s how I would’ve done this chapter.
Vicki: Just a sec, my kid’s rolling my dog in dog piss.

William: Doing your community service already, huh?

Valerie: I’m home! Again!

Valerie: Anthing interesting happen while I was gone?

Neil: I hear serial killers are absolute freaks in the sack!

Vicki: help me

Vicki: Also have sex with me. If there’s time.

William: C’mere, you murderer you.
Vicki: It’s so nice to be understood.

William: Sooo, how was your daaaay?
Vicki: A woman kicked over my can and I kicked her can.

Vicki: What are your fears, William?
William: My hot short person dying…

William: Your dumb lemonade stand breaking…

William: Your dumb dog getting smelly…

a’itnmscteih’steehltdticaia:ristwas

William: Losing my fucking mind…

Vicki: Okay, well, I have a new thing for you to worry about. I think this woman triggered me.
William: Oh. I see. You’re a millennial.

Vicki: No, asshole, I mean I think the can thing was a trigger! From ENTROPY. I think this woman was an ENTROPY agent and she was trying to trigger me into serial killing, like back when Laci kicked my can over!
William: I was really happy when I thought we’d put this particular ridiculous plot to bed.

‘htsestceatirmc:ilinheitwstisatada’

William: Guh.
Vicki: I think Cecilia is out there somewhere, and she’s trying to get me out of the way.
William: Alternatively, you killed a woman over a trash-related dispute.

sttisittcecw’nha’idsertatliamiahse:

William: Guh.
Vicki: People have kicked my can over before without incident, William. Something about this was different.
William: I will admit you haven’t been much of a serial killer since ye olden days.
Vicki: If you believe me, please let’s keep this between you and me.
William: Sure, why not. You and me and the woman you murdered.

Vicki: Nick, do me a favour and tidy up the yard?
Nick: Who cares about the yard? t’weaitttsianaiatmdhe’stsrsh

William: Vicki, I think we’re both going crazy.

Vicki: Well thank heavens I’ll have company.

Vicki: Maybe I’ll get super lucky and Cecilia’ll try to murder you, too.

Issemi’dthcncta:ireaiih’setlwtttsaa

William: If she loans me a dream decoder ring, I’ll paint her a target on my chest and everything.

Vicki: Please don’t think I’m evil.
William: I’ll make an effort.

Vicki: Please arrest that Murphy?
William: Not that much of an effort.

Nick: I guess a booty call is out of the question.

Angelica: Holy shit!

I know, right?

Angelica: That’s WILLIAM SHARPE!

Vicki: OH MY GOD
Angelica: Right? William SHARPE!

William: Ladies.

Chief: .oO(Me next! ME NEXT!)

Do people really walk their cats?

And if so, are they really people?

Don’t cut my water main and tell me it’s raining.

Nick: Hey unclefucker!

Nick: Oh, you didn’t think I knew that was your uncle? Or that you fucked him?

Nick: Well come on over and try your hand at the Forgiveness-or-Not Sweepstakes!

Angelica: Raised a hell of a son, you did.

Chief: .oO(Is it for me?)

Nick: Hey unclefucker.
Angelica: Is that my name now?
Nick: Depends on how much uncle you intend to fuck.

Nick: Don’t give me that bullshit! He’s your dad’s brother! He’s your uncle.
Valerie: Technically you’re wrong. Sim family ties are individual-to-individual only. He might have been set as her uncle at birth, but if that tie got severed somehow, her father’s ties have nothing to do with it.
Nick: Don’t give me that accurate information, you doctor.

Angelica: I can’t show you my relationships panel, dude, but you have to trust me: Oliver and I are not related.
Nick: How did Sim sex become more complicated than real sex…

Nick: Okay, how about this.
Angelica: Okay?
Nick: I will date you, if you stop fucking your uncle.
Angelica: But he’s not my-
Nick: IF WE’RE DATING YOU SHOULD ONLY BE FUCKING ME

Nick: Sniff this dead plant if you agree.

Nick: I can’t wait to start calling you Nickfucker.

Angelica: Yeah, that does sound better.

Nick: I forgive you for whatever you did if you forgive me for whatever I did.
Angelica: Yeah, whatever!

Nick: Let’s go be filthy somewhere.
Angelica: I can do that.

Nick: Later doc!
Angelica: Bye whoever!

Nick: Lovin’ the curves, woman!
Angelica: The game says I’m fat.
Nick: Well the game is an idiot.

Angelica: I’m glad you’re not mad at me anymore.
Nick: Oh, I’m mad at you alright. I just intend to express it sexually.

Angelica: That’s not much of an incentive to not make you mad.

But how can you love someone so genetically dissimilar to you, Angie?

Angelica: Fuck off.

Nick: Seriously though, no more Oliver.

I’ve been saying that for years.

I’ve also been captioning makeouts for years.

And I’ve run out.

Samantha: Yeah, not much more to say about it past “ick.”

Angelica: Gross me, baby.

Nick: Gonna gross all up in you, honey.

Vicki: Invisible riches, mine all MINE!

You need a shower.

Vicki: If I were my dog, this would be William’s worst fear!

Thousands of hours of playing this game and I still like my Sims the best when they’re unconscious.

Did you really mean all that stuff you said about Cecilia sending Kitty to trigger you?

Vicki: Why else would I have said it?

To not go to jail?

Vicki: Why would I not want to go to jail? That storyline looks happenin’.

Valerie: BRAP

Valerie: SPLORP

Valerie: GURP

Valerie: BRAP

Thanks for the palate cleanse, Val.

Valerie: GLURK

Vicki: Cecilia’s been missing for years.

Well.

Vicki: “Well”?

I’ll tell you after Chapter 328.

Vicki: Yeah, you keep your stupid flowers.

Don’t need no kissin’ cousins sniffin’ round my boy.


Please tell me you’re buying Samantha some clothes.

Yep, she’s shaking the townie moths out of the racks.

Shane: Sure, lady, I’ll leave. Sorry to inconvenience you by existing.

You should be.

Vicki: So hey, got any playable prospects?
Brooke: Not good I’m afraid. I’m a Brooke. There’s already too many Brookes, so I doubt I’ll get moved in anytime soon.

You’re right.

It won’t be soon.

Vicki: Ooh, sounds like someone’s gonna be a character some day! Good for you!
Brooke: Don’t patronize me, townie traitor.

Brooke: BOO PLAYABLES BOO

Vicki: Oh, you’re Bradley’s boy, right?
Lance: The boy who lived, yeah.

Vicki: I only understand that as a Harry Potter reference, and I approve.

You must be so proud to buy your kids clothing where the prostitutes shop.

Gee, I wonder what that thing in the background is.


Mallory: Hi scary lady!

Vicki: I’m not scary, am I, flamingo?
Flamingo: You’re talking to a flamingo, lady. That’s some scary shit, and I don’t scare easily! I’ve been hit by lightning, you know.

Vicki: You make good points, flamingo.

Mallory: You know, there’s townies in Centreborough who would love to have your life.

Vicki: Tell them I said “no.”

Mallory: Shh. You can’t see me.

Vicki: If you’re waiting for me to ask you what you’re mad about, remember to eat, breathe, and stay hydrated.

Vicki: Mwah! I should defend my man’s imaginarily-imperiled honour with axes every day!

I’m glad you learned your lesson.

Vicki: I’m screaming inside, trust me, but there are noise ordinances.

Really? I don’t see any.

Unless it’s rolled into Neighbourhood Watch.

I don’t.

Did you…?

What?

Vicki: Don’t question it.

I’m sure that’s a PG dream he’s having.

It’s funny how many things that happen regularly in the real world can only happen via glitches in TS2.

Hey Brad, my man: still dead?

Bradley: You know it!

This does not surprise me.

This does.

Aaaand back to not being surprised.

Speaking of glitches, this is my least-favourite one.

Samantha: Jeez windbag, leave some air for the rest of us.
Nick: …good morning?

Samantha: That’s the majority opinion, but I’m reporting for the minority.

Nick: Cynicism! I like it.

Vicki: Another day, another opportunity to go batshit crazy.

Clearly the take-away for this chapter is “fuck the mayor.”

Vicki: I’m mad that there isn’t a homeless shelters ordinance.

Oh! We considered that, but hey, turns out: no homeless people in my game.

Because homelessness should not be a thing.

Valerie: What’s she doing?
Nick: Washing the windows.
Valerie: They can get dirty?
Nick: She never gives me a chance to find out!

Valerie: I got a promotion yesterday!
Nick: Wow! It would be really cool to be interested in that.

Oh wow those numbers need to go.

Vicki: Is there blood on me? Please tell me there’s no blood on me.

Samantha: MOM can you just threaten my teacher with an AXE

Valerie: Your mom’s a pretty dangerous woman, sport.
Nick: You want to see “dangerous,” call me “sport” again.

Valerie: Ooh, look at the scary tough man!
Nick: Rar! Bite your dick off.

You want a fucking medal or something?

And off they go to their new home!

You’ll see it in about twenty chapters.

Vicki: Like I said, stay hydrated.

What a good coach you are.

Next time: wicked, weird, and warlocks.

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