The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 323

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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In which more octogenarian teens get a shot at happiness.

I’m less likely to kill them while they’re adjacent to Abigail.

Brooke: I don’t trust you when you say that.

Abigail: Trust has been scientifically proven to be delusional. Well, it will have been once my new paper passes peer review.

Brooke: How can you possibly still be exercising?
Abigail: I’m researching physiology! For my book! As has been established.
Brooke: Exercise is boring. There! Chapter complete.

Brooke: Not that boring things don’t have a certain attraction…


Brooke: Wow! These shoulders would be no good for any sports.

You have NOTHING to be angry about.

You are SOMETHING to be angry about!

Kyle: Uh-oh, my thoughts are leaking organs.

Kyle: I’d better go bury myself.

Kyle: Oh, hey, look! There’s rocks in the ground!

You’d better inform me every time you find one. This is information I need to possess.

Brooke: You need a shower.
Abigail: No! I’m collecting sweat, for study purposes!
Brooke: Just go to QuakeCon and bring a bucket.


Brooke: When in the holey land, do as the holers do.

Brooke: Jesus Christ woman, disengage before the flies get you!

Brooke: I think she bored this thing to death.

Kyle: I got-

A rock, yeah.

Kyle: -a treasure chest full of jewels.

A very small treasure chest full of jewels, apparently.

Kyle: Hi jail lady!
Nanette: Hi jail bait!

Kyle: I’m actually older than you, jail lady.
Nanette: I meant I’d go to jail if I strangled you. For some reason.

Kyle: Well maybe I’m into that.

Nanette: Well maybe I’m leaving then.

Fix it?

Brooke: Yeah, I just hit it a bunch.

Can’t say I’ve never done the same.

Yeah, the flopped-out flamingo was definitely the biggest problem here.

Myrtle: That dude is crushin’ it!

Myrtle: …that is not what I was thinking!
Brooke: Welcome to the valley, lady.

Abigail: I know I can! I know I can!
Brooke: The Little Engine That Wouldn’t Take a Fucking Break.

Wash that man right outta your thoughts.

Brooke: I feel like I’ve missed an important step here somewhere.

Kyle: Hey, it’s my birthday?!

Brooke: …oh. Right. Social conventions.

Brooke: Sometimes I forget we have those.

Kyle: Did you show me your naked body for a reason?
Brooke: Yes! The reason is that my brain is melting in this boring-ass household.

Kyle: Neat.

Brooke: I’m going for a walk.
Abigail: Pff! How pedestrian.

Abigail: Go see what papergirl’s doing.
Kyle: Her name is Brooke.
Abigail: Everyone’s name is Brooke.

It’s true.

Kyle: Wow, nobody ever visits these strip parks!
Brooke: Maybe they’re afraid to strip.

Kyle: Not like you!
Brooke: *sigh* Apparently not, yeah.

Brooke: Did you hear! Everybody cheated on everybody at your old house.

Brooke: Even the unfuckables.

Andrew: You want to talk about unfuckables?!

Andrew: How are you, Kyle?
Kyle: Why are you making that grumpy face?
Andrew: I’m old now, man. It’s stuck that way.

Brooke: Tell me you’re not gonna look like that when you’re older.

Andrew: He is older! Than me.

Andrew: I’m smarter, though.

Brooke: Is that true?
Kyle: Which part? Actually, yes, both parts.

Brooke: You’re cuter, though!
Kyle: Hahahaha that’s not true.

Brooke: Who’s that chick?
Kyle: Just some other Brooke, I think.


Andrew: This is awkward. What are we doing?
Kyle: Bonding?
Andrew: Well it’s awkward.

Valerie: Always nice to see another uplifted townie.
Brooke: I haven’t had work done, if that’s what you’re implying.

Brooke: Let’s move on, it’s too your entire family over there.

Kyle: What’s wrong with my family?
Brooke: How long do you have.

Kyle: Hey, thanks for helping us out so much.
Brooke: You mean thanks for being abducted by your mom and forced to socialize with a zombie?
Kyle: Yeah! It was really helpful!

Brooke: Well, um… thanks for starting my aging process, so that my death is now inevitable!
Kyle: Oh, haha, it always was.

Brooke: What? Love?! Bullshit!
Kyle: Shouldn’t have let those relationship values get so high, silly!

Brooke: Shot through the heart, and you’re to blame.

Kyle: Is that from something? It sounds like it’s from something.

Valerie: So on a scale of one to ten, how safe is this neighbourhood now?
Andrew: All the supervillains are dead or missing, so… I’d say… about a three.

Kyle: It’s still dangerous because the Maker is still a dick.

Takes one to know one!

Kyle: Not true at all.

Andrew: Kyle help

Andrew: Women are gross.

Not true at all.

Kyle: At all at all!

Kyle: They squish so good.

Brooke: You’re weird.

Brooke: But I’m okay with it.

Brooke: …mostly.

Brooke: So hey, if you’re older than Andrew…
Kyle: Yeah, neighbourhood firstborn, that’s me.
Brooke: Wow! You were not a trend setter, were you?

Kyle: I died horribly because of a stupid decision I made. I like to think that’s a trend which continues to this day!
Gretchen: My nose is now ninety-percent thorns.

The Unsavoury Charlatan: A mutant! I must capture it.

Kyle: You’ve been here since the start too, haven’t you?
Brooke: No, but I sold a lot of people the clothes they were wearing while they destroyed the world. That doesn’t implicate me, does it?

Outta my way, eel monster. We’re doing a thing here.

Kyle: Why do you keep putting your hand there?
Brooke: I’m propping my head up, this hair weighs a ton.

Kyle: I learned something today.

Oliver: Hey, look who it is! My kept townie.
Brooke: I don’t belong to you, dude.
Oliver: If you belong to him, genetically speaking there’s no difference.

Brooke: I like you better because you don’t treat me like an indentured servant.
Kyle: I like your boobs.

Oliver: I miss her boobs!

Brooke: Go fuck your cousin or something.
Oliver: She’s my NIECE get it RIGHT

Brooke: That’s right, cousinfucker, put it back where you found it or I’m calling the incest cops.

You’re glowing.

Abigail: I do that sometimes.

Kyle: Your bones are like bird bones.
Brooke: Your brain-
Kyle: Yeah, I walked into that one.

Oliver: I’m really married to the idea of kicking this can over.

Kyle: I’m pulling sibling rank here. Go away.

Kyle: GOSH dem boobs!

Brooke: He’s composing a song about them.


Brooke: He’s Turned On by brown hair.

You know what? Of course he is.

You only like her because I set up your Turn Ons to match Sunny.

Kyle: No, I like her because dem boob-


Brooke: He’s right, you know.

Kyle: More than a handful is a waste?
Brooke: There isn’t even a handful there.

Even when you dance for me you’re boring.

How’s “The Fitness of Fitness” coming?

Abigail: I’m trying not to think about the title, it just makes me sad.

Abigail: Dammit, there I go.

There’s lots of things to be sad about around here.

He thrusts his bits against her bits and still insists he sees the tits.


Abigail: Not a word.

Kyle: Hey baby, wanna go watch me make my bed?

Abigail: Oh, you sex-crazed preppies!

Kyle: I just want to know if I’m making my bed correctly.

Brooke: Looks good to me, no-ass.

Where are you going?

Abigail: To check out my new lab.

Your new what?

Abigail: Basements are fine for mad science, but bad science needs room to grow.

Please let’s do some mad science.

Instead of this.

Young Labs!

Because nobody’s using these weird little interstitial plazas anyway.

Except during this chapter, of course.

But that was boring.

From the lot description:

“Is the traditional method of reaching the future starting to wear you down? Come on down to Young Labs, where we think it’s better to drag the future kicking and screaming into the present!”

This is where the indistinguishable-from-magic will happen!

Aw come on.

Kyle: That’s what we’re doing!

This had at least better end with fuckin’.

Brooke: Fuckin’ right.

Brooke: William’s mom is dead.

So is mine.


Do go on with your definitely hilarious joke.

Brooke: God just made me sad.

That’s what gods are for.

She’s so skinny she makes Kyle look fat.

Brooke: I think I broke both of my wrists just now.

Brooke: I hope your mom’s next book includes a cure for osteoporosis.

Abigail: Yeah, it’s in the recipes chapter.

Talk about shifting gears without a clutch!

Then again, sex is automatic in this story, and never manual.

Car jokes for car sex.

I spoil you.

Kyle: Well would you look at that.

I didn’t mean she literaly does not have breasts.

Kyle: Well maybe say what you mean, then?


Kyle: Let’s not fight, I can’t stay mad with my dingus tinglin’.

You might want to close those windows.

Abigail: It’s alright, I disabled my internal sound card.

Are you a cyborg now?

Abigail: No, but Sim physiology is more engineering than medicine.

Kyle: Is engineering always so wet and awesome?!


Brooke: I just lost my virginity in a Smoogo Minima.

I lost mine on-

Brooke: EW NO DON’T



Less hoverhanding, though.

Kyle: What’s she doing?

Something stupid.

Yeah, this doesn’t last.

Kyle: Should I bother taking the ring, then?
Brooke: Don’t look a gift diamond in the facets!

Kyle: Cool, a light source!

I didn’t merely forget that this happened.

Looking at it now, I still don’t remember it.

That’s some next-level unimportance right there.

Kyle: I’ll probably remember.

Tell me you only did it for the Aspiration Points.

Brooke: I only do anything for the Aspiration Points.

That looks like more of a sapphire than a diamond.

Brooke: It’s a mood ring, actually. I gave him a mood ring.


Brooke: Mood hair.

Mood clothing too?

Brooke: It’s a better explanation than a grown man playing dress-up with his dollies.

Brooke: …wait.

Yeah, you proposed to Kyle.

Brooke: …can you quit without saving, please?

Brooke: Meh. I guess he’s alright.

You guys are going to want to start being super adorable together, because former paper delivery people in this neighbourhood tend to come to a bad end when I tire of them.

You and me both, sister.

Kyle: I liked the brown hair better.

I liked you better when you were gay.

Kyle: Then why did you make me not gay?

Because all of the male townies I could have set you up with are fucking. UGLY.

Kyle: I appreciate your concern, and your shallowness.

Kyle: Also I swallowed my engagement ring.

That calls for a personality realignment, I’d say.

♪ And if you can’t be with the one you love / lust the one you’re with ♪

Is there an endgame to all this science crap?

Abigail: Is there an endgame to the furthering of our shared body of knowledge?

Right, is there?

Abigail: Actually yes.


Irfan: In my bones.

Brooke: I’m in the one percent.


Brooke: Except that every time I think about last night I feel unclean.

Kyle: I just feel unclean all the time.

Me too, but I have mental problems.

Kyle: Honestly, we’ve noticed.



Brooke: I could just dump you, you know.
Kyle: Or I could stimulate your sense organs.

Brooke: My sense organs just vetoed the breakup.

Abigail: I’ll make a note of that.

Next time: an old hobby is briefly resumed, with disastrous results.

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