The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 322

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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In which plots progress marginally.

I don’t think I’ve ever sent anyone here without immediately sending them away again.

Victor: My chick detector is going crazy!

Victor: Actually never mind. Something about that chick seems off.

You have no idea.

Andrea: Wow, that big, huh?

Victor: Right now, yes.

Andrea: What are you doing?
Victor: Being sexy?
Andrea: You figure?

Andrea: It’s cute that you think you know what you’re doing.

None of this is cute.

Andrea: This place sucks.

And yet somehow I keep forgetting that.

Andrea: I’m gonna buy it and turn it into a cockfighting ring.

Victor: I’ve never heard of cockfighting. Is that how gay men compete for mates?

Every town has at least one totally generic restaurant that nobody even thinks about anymore.

Andrea: I’m not used to my hands being this big.

Andrea: Feel how big my hands are.

Victor: Feels pretty big!

Victor: Your evil face is very hot.

Harry Potter: Got a new movie coming out, go see it.

This family is a trainwreck.

And the train is carrying chemical weapons.


Dagmar: Explain to me why I had to move out after marrying you?
Stephen: It’s the only way we’ll stay married.

Andrea: I like my privilege.

It’s insidious that way.

Andrea: Sorry everyone else! Born rich, stay rich.

Andrea: That’s in the English lyrics to one of the songs in this game.
Victor: You’re boring the fuck out of me.

Victor: But not as much as everyone else is.

Victor: Our skintones are really similar.
Andrea: Identical, you mean.
Victor: No, because that has implications.

Victor: Wait, she’s not related to me, is she?
Andrea: What if I am? We can make it work!

Andrea: Or maybe you’re wishing you could be dating one of those fascinating individuals.

Victor: I choose not to pursue my suspicions further.

Andrea: It’s a storied family tradition!

Victor: Yeah baby, kiss my shirt.

Victor: Wow, these hair fibres are like iron!
Andrea: I’ve been thinking of sharpening them for self-defense.

These are your teens on incest.

Victor: I didn’t catch that last caption.
Andrea: And I’m pretending.

Victor: Are we allowed back here?
Angelica: Who’s gonna stop us? The NPCs? Ahahahaha.

Angelica: They people?
Victor: Naw bitch, you right.

Victor: We just demoralized the slaves.
Andrea: Crack that whip!

Victor: I don’t know what to do after this part.

Andrea: That’s okay, cluelessness is your gender standard.

Andrea: We’ve got enough hearts here to sell a few.

Good choice, past self. Let’s not get a good look at the cousin-to-cousin lip-lock.

Dammit past self…

Oliver: It’s catching on!

Andrea: Kissing is icky.

Andrea: But it’s supposedly cool, so don’t stop.

Victor: Whose bacteria do you think are winning the battle?
Andrea: As long as a lot of them die, I don’t care.

Victor: I like your attitude.

Dimorphism by fashion.

Victor: Wow, you have really nice… outfits.

These heart attacks hurt my heart.

Why do I get the feeling you’re not completely innocent?

Andrea: My genetics? My upbringing?

William: This is the story of Captain Sparkles.
William Jr.: I’ve been dreading this.

Victor: What’s for dinner?
Neila: Money.

Neila: Congrats on being such good friends, guys!
Andrea: Such good friends.


Andrea: I need to hire someone to take these hits for me.

Neila: And I need to put Will out of your immediate vicinity.

Neila: And also he’s filthy.
William Jr.: Dad’s fault.

Neila: I meant physically filthy.
William Jr.: Yeah, he rolled me in dirt. Said it was character-building.

The fuck is this money you’re all getting?

Victor: She didn’t get it.
Uma: I set trends, I don’t follow them.

Clearly I saw the last shot and realized Uma’s legs were just clipping through the tablecloth, so I took this one to compensate.

But past self really let me down earlier, so I’m going to embarass him as much as possible.

Those dudes seem really into you.

Andrea: That’s because I nailed them to the wall.

Important relationship tip!


Aurora: Dammit, not another one.

Aurora: In other news I’m perfect now.

Neila: I like you a lot better when you don’t smell like basement.

Victor: Want to celebrate my teenhood?
Uma: I’m like a hundred.

Uma: Psst.
Victor: What?
Uma: Mortar and pestle.

Victor: Who the fuck is that?
Aurora: I’m a secret agent.
Uma: You’re a smelly agent.

Uma: Thought of that all by myself.

Neila: Oh no! Victor’s cheating on Andrea!


Neila: So I’m really attached to Andrea for some reason!

Like there’s a connection you can’t put your finger on?

Neila: Yes!

Well, if you do put your finger on it, put Victor’s finger on it too.

Neila: That was phrased like a gross thing.

Most things I type are.

Victor: More hearts!
Uma: The minds will follow.

Ah, we’ve entered the era where I buy decorative shit based on interests and personalities.

That’s the era where it becomes okay to start posting your stories on the internet.

Chapter 322, folks.

Victor: I’m having a hard time concentrating with all this stupid shit perpetually hanging over our heads.

Uma: What if he turned it off?
Victor: Don’t be ridiculous! If there was a cheat for that he’d have used it already!


Victor: So I kissed Andrea today.
Uma: Good on ya.
Victor: It was wet and gross.

Uma: Hot, right?!

Uma: Remember that feeling for when you have sex.

Victor: I’m sixteen.

Uma: Time’ll fix that.

Uma: It’ll break most other things, though.

Uma: I’ve been a teen for a hundred years, Victor.
Victor: So you’re saying-
Uma: Yes. I’m saying I’m an expert at hormonal raging.

Victor: Tell me more.

Uma: I’m chemically two hundred thousand percent female.

Victor: Wow, yeah! I can feel my hands getting softer just touching you!

Uma: Oh, that’s all the lube, actually.
Victor: Lube?
Uma: I accidentally squashed a bottle in bed, and I haven’t had time to wash the sheets.

Victor continues his quest to display all the hearts in the game.

Aurora: How come I earn my keep like a good soldier and she gets to play pool?

Because she is useless.

Uma: Sad but true!

Victor: I dunno, I think she has her uses.

Aww, you made it sound misogynistic.

Victor: We know you only intended it as misanthropic.

Uma: The best “mis.”

Uma: Don’t make a joke about how I’m the best “miss.”
Victor: She saves me from bad jokes! She’s a miracle.

A drunkard’s dream if I ever did see one.

Uma: Wait’ll you see what I can do with my tongue.

You know your neighbourhood is fucked up when you can have a teen and an adult in a relationship because they’re actually the same age but two teens kissing is skeevy because one of them is five times older.

Uma: Only five? You wish.


Neila: Ideas?


Neila: You’re awfully yelly all of a sudden.

I’ve had to let characters do terrible things out of ignorance, rather than interfere in their lives illogically.

Neila: That’s parenthood for ya!

You’re a poor Melanie replacement at best.

You’re no Daisy replacement.

William: Mff… Daisy…


William: …?!


Andrea: Good morning to you, too!

I know the point is belaboured but this is basically what being rich is like.

Uma: Stand still and prepare your anus.

Victoria: INCOMING!

Anthony has nerves of steel.

Anthony: Or no self-worth.

One or the other.

Uma: Did that picture talk just now?

They do that occasionally, when the joke seems worth it.


Also a good metaphor for parenthood.

And a depressing metaphor for religious parents with gay children.

Andrea: He’s doing that liberal thing again.
William: He’s a millennial, give him a few minutes and he’ll forget.


Forgot what you came in here for, didn’t you?

William: Old age is such a treasure.

William: So hey, what’s up kiddo?
Andrea: I don’t have your lube, Uma does.

Andrea: So I think I’m dating your son?
William: I really hope you mean Victor.

William: Your mother would have been proud.
Andrea: My mother put me in a two-by-three basement oubliette in the wall I could only enter or exit by teleporting.

Andrea: Incidentally she did tend to create basement oubliettes.
William: What did she keep inside them?
Andrea: Does it matter?


William: My acid flashbacks certainly think it does.

Andrea: Okay, well, BAM. You know how to teleport now. Go check it out!
William: Is this a trick to get me embedded in a wall or something?
Andrea: My mother taught me never to go for the short-term trick when it precludes any long-term tricks.

Andrea: Happy revelating!

I’m surprised Neil never taught you how to teleport.

William: Dad only taught me how to ruin marriages.

William: And marry serial killers, which I’ve only done once.

That you’re aware of.

William: What?



Anthony: Oh good, we’re dust-bombing now?

William: Weird. I can sense… an opening? Ahead of me.

And this is how he becomes King of the Gopher People.

William: Hmm. Whatever was in here, isn’t in here anymore.

I’m sure it was nothing nefarious.


William: My new plot tumour disagrees, apparently.

William: I guess I knew Daisy had some sort of terrible secret.

It’s the only way to keep me from getting bored and killing you in this neighbourhood.

Victor: Telekinesis!

I think I recoloured that outfit myself.

Neila: Stalker.

Andrea: Are you stashing that poop somewhere?
Anthony: WHAT NO WHY

Andrea: Thanks for enabling our lazy, slobby ways, Anthony!
Anthony: I’m putting all my wages towards funding the revolution.

Yes, Sunny. Steal the newspaper. Nothing could be more valuable!

Victor: Capital gains are weird in this universe.

They’re weird in any


Victor: Hey! This is the same bus I took to grade school!
Berjes: We hose the seats down between trips, at least.



William: -stop.

Next time: more Murphy nonsense.

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