Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
In which plots progress marginally.
I don’t think I’ve ever sent anyone here without immediately sending them away again.
Victor: My chick detector is going crazy!
Victor: Actually never mind. Something about that chick seems off.
You have no idea.
Andrea: Wow, that big, huh?
Victor: Right now, yes.
Andrea: What are you doing?
Victor: Being sexy?
Andrea: You figure?
Andrea: It’s cute that you think you know what you’re doing.
None of this is cute.
Andrea: This place sucks.
And yet somehow I keep forgetting that.
Andrea: I’m gonna buy it and turn it into a cockfighting ring.
Victor: I’ve never heard of cockfighting. Is that how gay men compete for mates?
Every town has at least one totally generic restaurant that nobody even thinks about anymore.
Andrea: I’m not used to my hands being this big.
Andrea: Feel how big my hands are.
Victor: Feels pretty big!
Victor: Your evil face is very hot.
Harry Potter: Got a new movie coming out, go see it.
This family is a trainwreck.
And the train is carrying chemical weapons.
Oliver: YOU SUCK OLD MAN
Opal: YOU’RE TOO GOOD YOUNG MAN
Dagmar: Explain to me why I had to move out after marrying you?
Stephen: It’s the only way we’ll stay married.
Andrea: I like my privilege.
It’s insidious that way.
Andrea: Sorry everyone else! Born rich, stay rich.
Andrea: That’s in the English lyrics to one of the songs in this game.
Victor: You’re boring the fuck out of me.
Victor: But not as much as everyone else is.
Victor: Our skintones are really similar.
Andrea: Identical, you mean.
Victor: No, because that has implications.
Victor: Wait, she’s not related to me, is she?
Andrea: What if I am? We can make it work!
Andrea: Or maybe you’re wishing you could be dating one of those fascinating individuals.
Victor: I choose not to pursue my suspicions further.
Andrea: It’s a storied family tradition!
Victor: Yeah baby, kiss my shirt.
Victor: Wow, these hair fibres are like iron!
Andrea: I’ve been thinking of sharpening them for self-defense.
These are your teens on incest.
Victor: I didn’t catch that last caption.
Andrea: And I’m pretending.
Victor: Are we allowed back here?
Angelica: Who’s gonna stop us? The NPCs? Ahahahaha.
Angelica: They people?
Victor: Naw bitch, you right.
Victor: We just demoralized the slaves.
Andrea: Crack that whip!
Victor: I don’t know what to do after this part.
Andrea: That’s okay, cluelessness is your gender standard.
Andrea: We’ve got enough hearts here to sell a few.
Good choice, past self. Let’s not get a good look at the cousin-to-cousin lip-lock.
Dammit past self…
Oliver: It’s catching on!
Andrea: Kissing is icky.
Andrea: But it’s supposedly cool, so don’t stop.
Victor: Whose bacteria do you think are winning the battle?
Andrea: As long as a lot of them die, I don’t care.
Victor: I like your attitude.
Dimorphism by fashion.
Victor: Wow, you have really nice… outfits.
These heart attacks hurt my heart.
Why do I get the feeling you’re not completely innocent?
Andrea: My genetics? My upbringing?
William: This is the story of Captain Sparkles.
William Jr.: I’ve been dreading this.
Victor: What’s for dinner?
Neila: Congrats on being such good friends, guys!
Andrea: Such good friends.
Andrea: I need to hire someone to take these hits for me.
Neila: And I need to put Will out of your immediate vicinity.
Neila: And also he’s filthy.
William Jr.: Dad’s fault.
Neila: I meant physically filthy.
William Jr.: Yeah, he rolled me in dirt. Said it was character-building.
The fuck is this money you’re all getting?
Victor: She didn’t get it.
Uma: I set trends, I don’t follow them.
Clearly I saw the last shot and realized Uma’s legs were just clipping through the tablecloth, so I took this one to compensate.
But past self really let me down earlier, so I’m going to embarass him as much as possible.
Those dudes seem really into you.
Andrea: That’s because I nailed them to the wall.
Important relationship tip!
Aurora: Dammit, not another one.
Aurora: In other news I’m perfect now.
Neila: I like you a lot better when you don’t smell like basement.
Victor: Want to celebrate my teenhood?
Uma: I’m like a hundred.
Uma: Mortar and pestle.
Victor: Who the fuck is that?
Aurora: I’m a secret agent.
Uma: You’re a smelly agent.
Uma: Thought of that all by myself.
Neila: Oh no! Victor’s cheating on Andrea!
Neila: So I’m really attached to Andrea for some reason!
Like there’s a connection you can’t put your finger on?
Well, if you do put your finger on it, put Victor’s finger on it too.
Neila: That was phrased like a gross thing.
Most things I type are.
Victor: More hearts!
Uma: The minds will follow.
Ah, we’ve entered the era where I buy decorative shit based on interests and personalities.
That’s the era where it becomes okay to start posting your stories on the internet.
Chapter 322, folks.
Victor: I’m having a hard time concentrating with all this stupid shit perpetually hanging over our heads.
Uma: What if he turned it off?
Victor: Don’t be ridiculous! If there was a cheat for that he’d have used it already!
Victor: So I kissed Andrea today.
Uma: Good on ya.
Victor: It was wet and gross.
Uma: Hot, right?!
Uma: Remember that feeling for when you have sex.
Victor: I’m sixteen.
Uma: Time’ll fix that.
Uma: It’ll break most other things, though.
Uma: I’ve been a teen for a hundred years, Victor.
Victor: So you’re saying-
Uma: Yes. I’m saying I’m an expert at hormonal raging.
Victor: Tell me more.
Uma: I’m chemically two hundred thousand percent female.
Victor: Wow, yeah! I can feel my hands getting softer just touching you!
Uma: Oh, that’s all the lube, actually.
Uma: I accidentally squashed a bottle in bed, and I haven’t had time to wash the sheets.
Victor continues his quest to display all the hearts in the game.
Aurora: How come I earn my keep like a good soldier and she gets to play pool?
Because she is useless.
Uma: Sad but true!
Victor: I dunno, I think she has her uses.
Aww, you made it sound misogynistic.
Victor: We know you only intended it as misanthropic.
Uma: The best “mis.”
Uma: Don’t make a joke about how I’m the best “miss.”
Victor: She saves me from bad jokes! She’s a miracle.
Uma: Wait’ll you see what I can do with my tongue.
You know your neighbourhood is fucked up when you can have a teen and an adult in a relationship because they’re actually the same age but two teens kissing is skeevy because one of them is five times older.
Uma: Only five? You wish.
DON’T GET ANY IDEAS.
Neila: You’re awfully yelly all of a sudden.
I’ve had to let characters do terrible things out of ignorance, rather than interfere in their lives illogically.
Neila: That’s parenthood for ya!
You’re a poor Melanie replacement at best.
You’re no Daisy replacement.
William: Mff… Daisy…
Andrea: Good morning to you, too!
I know the point is belaboured but this is basically what being rich is like.
Uma: Stand still and prepare your anus.
Anthony has nerves of steel.
Anthony: Or no self-worth.
One or the other.
Uma: Did that picture talk just now?
They do that occasionally, when the joke seems worth it.
Neila: LET ME FIX YOU
Also a good metaphor for parenthood.
And a depressing metaphor for religious parents with gay children.
Andrea: He’s doing that liberal thing again.
William: He’s a millennial, give him a few minutes and he’ll forget.
Forgot what you came in here for, didn’t you?
William: Old age is such a treasure.
William: So hey, what’s up kiddo?
Andrea: I don’t have your lube, Uma does.
Andrea: So I think I’m dating your son?
William: I really hope you mean Victor.
William: Your mother would have been proud.
Andrea: My mother put me in a two-by-three basement oubliette in the wall I could only enter or exit by teleporting.
Andrea: Incidentally she did tend to create basement oubliettes.
William: What did she keep inside them?
Andrea: Does it matter?
William: My acid flashbacks certainly think it does.
Andrea: Okay, well, BAM. You know how to teleport now. Go check it out!
William: Is this a trick to get me embedded in a wall or something?
Andrea: My mother taught me never to go for the short-term trick when it precludes any long-term tricks.
Andrea: Happy revelating!
I’m surprised Neil never taught you how to teleport.
William: Dad only taught me how to ruin marriages.
William: And marry serial killers, which I’ve only done once.
That you’re aware of.
YOU’LL FIND OUT IN A FEW CHAPTERS
Anthony: Oh good, we’re dust-bombing now?
William: Weird. I can sense… an opening? Ahead of me.
And this is how he becomes King of the Gopher People.
William: Hmm. Whatever was in here, isn’t in here anymore.
I’m sure it was nothing nefarious.
William: My new plot tumour disagrees, apparently.
William: I guess I knew Daisy had some sort of terrible secret.
It’s the only way to keep me from getting bored and killing you in this neighbourhood.
I think I recoloured that outfit myself.
Andrea: Are you stashing that poop somewhere?
Anthony: WHAT NO WHY
Andrea: Thanks for enabling our lazy, slobby ways, Anthony!
Anthony: I’m putting all my wages towards funding the revolution.
Yes, Sunny. Steal the newspaper. Nothing could be more valuable!
Victor: Capital gains are weird in this universe.
They’re weird in any–
Victor: HE SAID YOU’D FORGET
Victor: Hey! This is the same bus I took to grade school!
Berjes: We hose the seats down between trips, at least.
William: PLEASE MAKE THIS-
Next time: more Murphy nonsense.