The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 321

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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Sister chapters with Chapter 123!

But not really.


You’re too round to be Sharpe.

Andrea: Uh-oh. He’s already on puns and the chapter hasn’t even started yet.

This part of your secret agent training?

Arcadia: Wax on.

William Jr.: Wax off!
William: No, it’s pronounced whacks off.

Good, leave.

Can’t have any fun with kids around.

Just like the real world!

When did Anthony get fat?

Anthony: Turns out these bottles weren’t supposed to be for me?

Secret agent training is really rigorous.

And hilarious.

This object is worth having a basement for.

I would pay good money to see real people do this.

On top of the hundreds of dollars I paid to see Sims do it.

Mortal terror really brings out your eyes.

I honestly think you can do it.

I wasn’t being honestly honest, though.

Arcadia: I really appreciate you keeping all these pics.

Why bother tweaking your approach when you’ve already got nothing but net?

Uma: Wanna come boost the ratings?

Nathaniel: Was that a euphemism for-
Uma: Probably.

Uma: Kiss me, I’m eighty.

All that is required for evil to triumph is for good people to be distracted by the sexy.

Uma: So wait, you think your stepmom is a pod person?
Nathaniel: I’m just saying the pod person theory covers all the known facts.

Don’t look now but you’re haunted by ghost fingerguns.

Nathaniel: They obviously appreciate my game.

It doesn’t take much game to get with Uma. No offense.

Uma: Far from being offended, I’d like you to pass that information along as much as possible.

CRACK BZZT

Arcadia: I think this is meant to be an outside thing.

Honestly I forgot you were still down there.

I’ve been distracted.

I know I’ve made this joke before, but wow, you people are really into creating future therapy bills these days, huh?

Uma: I’m supposed to keep an eye on the kid.
Nathaniel: Four eyes are better than one!
Uma: Unless you’re talking about glasses.
Nathaniel: Right? Ew.

Shut your fool mouths.

Oh, they were just talking about you.

Penny: Guess I’ll have to kill them, then.

I think she’s trying to subtly indicate that he’s actually just penetrating her taint.

Anthony: That reminds me, we’re out of sanitary wipes.

Anthony: And napalm.

Good joke, but sloppy premise.

As if William would ever run out of napalm.

I hope that’s a goodbye kiss.

Don’t take him further into the house!

That’s William’s bed. You’re not worthy.

Neila: It’s locked to his genetic signature anyway.

Covered in his genetic signature, more like.

Neila: HEARING ABOUT DAD’S FLUIDS ISN’T FUN

Andrea: Yeah, I already saw you waving outside. What.

Who let Rebecca in?

Rebecca: I’ve been asked to judge this birthday contest.

Good god I love glitches.

Rebecca: Does that naked chick belong to anyone?

Andrea: Power, looks, money… it’s hard to know what to wish for when you’re already one of the beautiful people.

Andrea: Aw, who am I kidding, more money. It’s always more money.

Neila: That’s a good idea in case we become one of those families that fights over inheritance money.
Victor: Except that dad’s going to live forever, because he’s too awesome to die.

Neila: Yeah, he told me that too.

Uma: Grow up ugly. Grow up ugly!

She just… got larger, is all.

♪ But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay ♪

William: Oh, fuck off.

Anthony: A bagged poop, good sir?

He pronounced it “bagg-ED,” if you’re wondering.

William: Good, I didn’t miss the ones I’m actually related to.

Remind me to tell you a funny story later.

I honestly never noticed what was on that shirt until this moment.

Now I can’t look away.

I can look away from whatever this is pretty easily, on the obverse.

Rebecca: Yes! Proof that time is passing!

Neila: Hey, we look pretty good!

Rest assured I’ll make the least of it for the next four hundred chapters or so.

Andrea: I wasn’t kidding about that money wish.

Sure, ogle each other while the bombs are falling.

Andrea: Come on, “rich person killed by falling bag of money” is something you’d be happy to hear about.

It would honestly brighten my day, you’re right.

Victor: Know what brightens my day, baby?

Remind me to tell you a funny story soon.

Okay, if I tell you a secret that would destroy the neighbourhood, would you tell anyone?

Victor: Yes.

What? Why?!

Victor: So you don’t tell me why I shouldn’t have the hots for Andrea.

William: I don’t know why he shouldn’t have the hots for Andrea.

Yeah, well, make the most of the next seven chapters.

Andrea: He’s even hot backwards.

Good, don’t leave this shit lying around, it’s making the prols envious.

This is the whitest I’ve ever seen a Sim act.

Victor: Congratulations on growing up sexy!

How do you say “ixnay” in millennial-speak?

Andrea: God doesn’t want me to feel pretty.

I don’t want Victor to make you feel pretty.

Also what the fuck is happening, you look like you’re dematerializing.

Victor: Apparently she was?

Neila: Help, my feet are clipping.

Meanwhile at the Garbage Olympics…

Meanwhile, elsewhere at the Garbage Olympics…

And this is why transparent ceilings would be a nightmare.

Not bad, but a bit too heavy on the porcelain-face. Fix it.

Neila: Nah, this is my forever look.

You look like a china doll.

Neila: That’s racist.

It isn’t. At all.

Neila: Well it should be.

Neila: In other news apparently our family has all of the money and none of the clothes.

You’ve got a serious case of Daisy-face.

Andrea: Did you change literally anything?

I liked Daisy’s face.

Victor: Who’s the marionette?

Andrea: I made a bunch of messes upstairs.
Anthony: Why?
Andrea: Because I don’t like you.

Where do you think you’re going?

Neila: To get new clothes!

You’d inflict loading times on me?

Neila: It’s the lesser of two evils compared to Maxis aging outfits.

Yeah, and Nathaniel’s here again, so you’re right, let’s leave.

Neila: Nathaniel’s got a girl-friend!
Nathaniel: Who’s the Muppet?

Andrea: Is it my turn to insult her face yet?

Those fucking stop signs look like shit.

Remind me to fix them seven hundred chapters from now.

Why are you stalking these kids?

Penny: They’re William’s and Melanie’s and Daisy’s. I’d say this falls squarely under the umbrella of “legitimate surveillance targets.”

I hate it when the fucking townies hog the racks.

Clue in, nobodies! You’re never getting new clothes.

Neila: Now I feel bad for them.
Andrea: So make a donation to the soup kitchen.

Andrea: Hahaha it’s fun being rich and unassailable.

Victor: I’ll let you live in my house if you act as my slave.

Michael: It’s a legitimate arrangement.
Jewel: Oh! BTW! I’m leaving you.

Neila: You should both leave.

Brady: I feel like our house rules deserve more respect.

Andrea: Huffing butterflies?
Neila: They were out of Tide P-

ONCE.

We can make that joke ONCE.

And we already DID.

Cheryl: Take her with you. Please.

Neila: We appreciate the police escort, ma’am.
Andrea: Yeah, no. We don’t.
Penny: Serve the rich and protect the property. I don’t know why people always go for the short version instead.

William: You will not believe the crazy shit I just learned about xylophones.

Victor: Are we under suspicion of something, lady?
Penny: We’re only allowed to racially profile people with zombie DNA.

I think Uma might have some.

Victor: I’m fine with being wanted for my brains.

I didn’t think there were any remaining angles to cover on that one-dimensional joke. Well done, team.

Victor: Are you gonna give me any personal space?
Uma: No.
Victor: Good.

Andrea: Wanna abandon the sinking ship?

Neila: Are you going on a date with my brother?
Andrea: I’m a sucker for baby faces and devil eyes.

♪ There is a flower within my heart / Planted one day by a glancing dart ♪

William Jr.: Tell me more xylophone gossip.

William: No. Fuck it. We’re talking cars. I didn’t have kids for this sissy shit.

Victor: I’m all about the sissy shit.

Next time: ♪ Whether she loves me or loves me not / Sometimes it’s hard to tell ♪

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