Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
Sister chapters with Chapter 123!
But not really.
You’re too round to be Sharpe.
Andrea: Uh-oh. He’s already on puns and the chapter hasn’t even started yet.
This part of your secret agent training?
Arcadia: Wax on.
William Jr.: Wax off!
William: No, it’s pronounced whacks off.
Can’t have any fun with kids around.
Just like the real world!
When did Anthony get fat?
Anthony: Turns out these bottles weren’t supposed to be for me?
Secret agent training is really rigorous.
This object is worth having a basement for.
I would pay good money to see real people do this.
On top of the hundreds of dollars I paid to see Sims do it.
Mortal terror really brings out your eyes.
I honestly think you can do it.
I wasn’t being honestly honest, though.
Arcadia: I really appreciate you keeping all these pics.
Why bother tweaking your approach when you’ve already got nothing but net?
Uma: Wanna come boost the ratings?
Nathaniel: Was that a euphemism for-
Uma: Kiss me, I’m eighty.
All that is required for evil to triumph is for good people to be distracted by the sexy.
Uma: So wait, you think your stepmom is a pod person?
Nathaniel: I’m just saying the pod person theory covers all the known facts.
Don’t look now but you’re haunted by ghost fingerguns.
Nathaniel: They obviously appreciate my game.
It doesn’t take much game to get with Uma. No offense.
Uma: Far from being offended, I’d like you to pass that information along as much as possible.
Arcadia: I think this is meant to be an outside thing.
Honestly I forgot you were still down there.
I’ve been distracted.
I know I’ve made this joke before, but wow, you people are really into creating future therapy bills these days, huh?
Uma: I’m supposed to keep an eye on the kid.
Nathaniel: Four eyes are better than one!
Uma: Unless you’re talking about glasses.
Nathaniel: Right? Ew.
Shut your fool mouths.
Oh, they were just talking about you.
Penny: Guess I’ll have to kill them, then.
I think she’s trying to subtly indicate that he’s actually just penetrating her taint.
Anthony: That reminds me, we’re out of sanitary wipes.
Anthony: And napalm.
Good joke, but sloppy premise.
As if William would ever run out of napalm.
I hope that’s a goodbye kiss.
Don’t take him further into the house!
That’s William’s bed. You’re not worthy.
Neila: It’s locked to his genetic signature anyway.
Covered in his genetic signature, more like.
Neila: HEARING ABOUT DAD’S FLUIDS ISN’T FUN
Andrea: Yeah, I already saw you waving outside. What.
Who let Rebecca in?
Rebecca: I’ve been asked to judge this birthday contest.
Good god I love glitches.
Rebecca: Does that naked chick belong to anyone?
Andrea: Power, looks, money… it’s hard to know what to wish for when you’re already one of the beautiful people.
Andrea: Aw, who am I kidding, more money. It’s always more money.
Neila: That’s a good idea in case we become one of those families that fights over inheritance money.
Victor: Except that dad’s going to live forever, because he’s too awesome to die.
Neila: Yeah, he told me that too.
Uma: Grow up ugly. Grow up ugly!
She just… got larger, is all.
♪ But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay ♪
William: Oh, fuck off.
Anthony: A bagged poop, good sir?
He pronounced it “bagg-ED,” if you’re wondering.
William: Good, I didn’t miss the ones I’m actually related to.
Remind me to tell you a funny story later.
I honestly never noticed what was on that shirt until this moment.
Now I can’t look away.
I can look away from whatever this is pretty easily, on the obverse.
Rebecca: Yes! Proof that time is passing!
Neila: Hey, we look pretty good!
Rest assured I’ll make the least of it for the next four hundred chapters or so.
Andrea: I wasn’t kidding about that money wish.
Sure, ogle each other while the bombs are falling.
Andrea: Come on, “rich person killed by falling bag of money” is something you’d be happy to hear about.
It would honestly brighten my day, you’re right.
Victor: Know what brightens my day, baby?
Remind me to tell you a funny story soon.
Okay, if I tell you a secret that would destroy the neighbourhood, would you tell anyone?
Victor: So you don’t tell me why I shouldn’t have the hots for Andrea.
William: I don’t know why he shouldn’t have the hots for Andrea.
Yeah, well, make the most of the next seven chapters.
Andrea: He’s even hot backwards.
Good, don’t leave this shit lying around, it’s making the prols envious.
This is the whitest I’ve ever seen a Sim act.
Victor: Congratulations on growing up sexy!
How do you say “ixnay” in millennial-speak?
Andrea: God doesn’t want me to feel pretty.
I don’t want Victor to make you feel pretty.
Also what the fuck is happening, you look like you’re dematerializing.
Victor: Apparently she was?
Neila: Help, my feet are clipping.
Meanwhile at the Garbage Olympics…
Meanwhile, elsewhere at the Garbage Olympics…
And this is why transparent ceilings would be a nightmare.
Not bad, but a bit too heavy on the porcelain-face. Fix it.
Neila: Nah, this is my forever look.
You look like a china doll.
Neila: That’s racist.
It isn’t. At all.
Neila: Well it should be.
Neila: In other news apparently our family has all of the money and none of the clothes.
You’ve got a serious case of Daisy-face.
Andrea: Did you change literally anything?
I liked Daisy’s face.
Victor: Who’s the marionette?
Andrea: I made a bunch of messes upstairs.
Andrea: Because I don’t like you.
Where do you think you’re going?
Neila: To get new clothes!
You’d inflict loading times on me?
Neila: It’s the lesser of two evils compared to Maxis aging outfits.
Yeah, and Nathaniel’s here again, so you’re right, let’s leave.
Neila: Nathaniel’s got a girl-friend!
Nathaniel: Who’s the Muppet?
Andrea: Is it my turn to insult her face yet?
Those fucking stop signs look like shit.
Remind me to fix them seven hundred chapters from now.
Why are you stalking these kids?
Penny: They’re William’s and Melanie’s and Daisy’s. I’d say this falls squarely under the umbrella of “legitimate surveillance targets.”
I hate it when the fucking townies hog the racks.
Clue in, nobodies! You’re never getting new clothes.
Neila: Now I feel bad for them.
Andrea: So make a donation to the soup kitchen.
Andrea: Hahaha it’s fun being rich and unassailable.
Victor: I’ll let you live in my house if you act as my slave.
Michael: It’s a legitimate arrangement.
Jewel: Oh! BTW! I’m leaving you.
Neila: You should both leave.
Brady: I feel like our house rules deserve more respect.
Andrea: Huffing butterflies?
Neila: They were out of Tide P-
We can make that joke ONCE.
And we already DID.
Cheryl: Take her with you. Please.
Neila: We appreciate the police escort, ma’am.
Andrea: Yeah, no. We don’t.
Penny: Serve the rich and protect the property. I don’t know why people always go for the short version instead.
William: You will not believe the crazy shit I just learned about xylophones.
Victor: Are we under suspicion of something, lady?
Penny: We’re only allowed to racially profile people with zombie DNA.
I think Uma might have some.
Victor: I’m fine with being wanted for my brains.
I didn’t think there were any remaining angles to cover on that one-dimensional joke. Well done, team.
Victor: Are you gonna give me any personal space?
Andrea: Wanna abandon the sinking ship?
Neila: Are you going on a date with my brother?
Andrea: I’m a sucker for baby faces and devil eyes.
♪ There is a flower within my heart / Planted one day by a glancing dart ♪
William Jr.: Tell me more xylophone gossip.
William: No. Fuck it. We’re talking cars. I didn’t have kids for this sissy shit.
Victor: I’m all about the sissy shit.
Next time: ♪ Whether she loves me or loves me not / Sometimes it’s hard to tell ♪