The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 318

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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In which things make more sense but are less pleasant.


Mallory: These mating rituals are weird.

Nick: We’re working on my face callouses.

Brooke: They really give your cheekbones definition!

Brooke: Nathaniel and I are working on grossing up my hair!

I really think you can line your shit up better than that, game.

also why are you guys kissing

Brooke: Your house has lots of drama.
Nathaniel: All imported I’m afraid.

Wouldn’t have pegged you for the army.

Though you are a brat.

Angelica: Okay, you guys keep being gross.

Angelica: I’m gonna be grosser.

WEDNESDAY: Those mating impulses are really wreaking havoc with their social lives.
FRIDAY: Social lives are only support systems for mating impulses, though, so it’s okay.

Angelica: I keep forgetting we have a butler. Here, you deal with this.

Nathaniel: I’ll deal with this.
Brooke: Unless someone more competent comes around.

Nathaniel: I will fight them. And probably lose.

Oh, this one grew up.

One more age group to go before I consistently remember your name, so you have that to look forward to.

Well, we were due.

Hahaha remember when Andrew blew up his bedroom with a bomb.

Good times.

Penny: I knew there was unaccounted-for space on that floorplan.

Christ, we’re back to this again?

Mallory: I had a daydream that there was a huge dramaplosion in the kitchen.

Hey look, it’s Lucas.

That’s all the Lucas you’re getting for a while.

Nathaniel: So who was your first dude?
Brooke: Another one of you fucking rabbit Murphy people.

Andrea: My kingdom for an out-of-control car.

Right, and then Penny changes her Turn-Ons for no apparent reason…

Penny: It would be apparent if you hadn’t blocked out two-thirds of the last chapter.

A lot of things would.

Andrew: Something’s different. I can’t put my finger on it.
Nathaniel: Going through the change, old man?

Jesus fuck she’s too thin.

Nathaniel: Hey, don’t give her body image issues.

I GAVE HER THAT BODY

Penny: I thought you were dead.
Mallory: I get that a lot.
Penny: I doubt you get anything a lot.

You guys do know there’s an entire small town’s worth of space in this house, right?

Penny: Let’s test that.

And then he threw her through the ceiling.

Angelica: Did anyone else feel a sudden wave of revulsion when they looked at Penny just now?
Franklin: Yes.
Nick: Is revulsion a funny way of saying attraction?

Nick: It’s not, is it.

Nathaniel: I don’t get it. I thought I was okay with dad dating Penny.

Maybe you’re a stupid fucking teenager though?

Nathaniel: Yeah, maybe.

Angelica: But I’m not.

Franklin: She seemed… meaner than usual.
Nathaniel: Oh no, she killed someone at work.
Nick: She’s a cop. They do that for fun.
Brooke: A fellow liberal!
Nick: What? No, I’m envious.

I can’t keep track of who likes who so these demonstrations are very helpful.

…no, no, I still can’t figure it out.

Franklin is dating Mallory is kissing Nick is dating Angelica is Nathaniel’s brother.

Huuuuuhhhgh.

Mallory: Flowchart time!

Nick: Déjà ow!

Mallory: THIS PART’S NEW

Angelica: Penny brought an evil force into this home.
Nick: Nah, I came in of my own free will.

Wendell: Don’t let it touch you, lady!

Franklin: This kind of thing never happened to me when I was dead.

Mallory: These ugly people are too complicated.

Mallory: And hot.

Speaking of hot.

Do something hot.

And be hot.

If Brooke fell down, how many bones would she break? All of them?

Emerson: Birthday shmirthday.

FRIDAY: Happy Smirthday, small one!

Who let Kenya in?

And who took Amin’s giant bigfoot dick away?

WEDNESDAY: Come on, help me out here, my blower’s just for show.

Nick: Wait, you people actually like your young?!

They do. I don’t.

Angelica: She’s got Aunt Chelsea’s awful forehead line!

I can’t tell what any of you are reacting to today.

Is Penny an entomologist? Because she seems to have brought a lot of bugs home with her.

Franklin: Emotions suck.
Kenya: It’s okay, kid. You stop caring eventually.

Nathaniel: You could find a new girlfriend.
Franklin: You could NOT STEAL MY EXISTING ONE.
Nathaniel: You could INVENT TIME TRAVEL I guess.

Why?

Whatever.

Andrew: Why the sudden ardour?
Penny: I was hopping all over town today. Crime makes me horny.

Okay, but I feel like I need to remind you that he’s your UNCLE.

Angelica: Nope. Game bugged. We’re not related anymore.

His mom is your dad’s mom. His dad is your dad’s dad.

Angelica: Nope. His dad is a dead criminal and he has no mom.

Like, what fucking button did I press to get that result.

Andrew: Enjoying yourself up there?
Penny: Yeah. Sure.

Anthony: -unintelligible-

Anthony: …and their fucking Tide Pods.

Go away.

Oliver: Look, can we just-

Can you just GO AWAY

We’ve got enough boring romance going on, we don’t need icky romance too.

Andrew: You’re being awfully quiet.
Penny: Well you’re being awfully six inches.

Penny: The fuck you staring at.

Amin: OH NOT THIS AGAIN

Nathaniel: Welcome to slap club!

Nathaniel: It’s a family institution.

Angelica: OLLY OLLY OXEN FREE

Wendell: Who left this thing out?

Let me know if I need to go watch something else, okay?

Not that the other options are all that enticing…

Andrew: This was your idea, woman.
Penny: I just thought you’d execute it better, is all.

Wendell: It’s like a car crash, I can’t stop staring!

Penny: Well, that wasn’t terrible. Where is this room, anyway?
Andrew: How have you been teleporting in here without knowing where it is?
Penny: I’ve been following you.
Andrew: What if I’d teleported into a wall or something?
Penny: Walls can’t hold me, bitch.

Nick: There’s clearly something in the water today.

OHHHKAY THIS NEEDS TO STOP

Nope. Nope nope nope nope.

Angelica: Dude. We’re not. Related.

YOU HAVE THE SAME EYES

Angelica: There’s only so many to go around!

NOT TRUE, I HAVE DOZENS IN MY DOWNLOADS FOLDER

Oliver: Also I have mom’s eyes, so you’re wrong anyway.

But your FACE is half Stephen, just like her DAD’s is.

Oliver: Actually I got mom’s face, mostly.

Okay, but-

Oliver: And Angelica’s face is mostly her mom’s.

YOU CAN’T ARGUE YOUR WAY OUT OF INCEST BEING WRONG

Angelica: And you can’t fight the Wants panel, buddy.

Angelica: And you should see what’s in mine right now.

Meanwhile bleeaaah I should just leave this lot entirely.

No room is safe.

How many chambers of horrors can one house contain?

Nathaniel: You’re just a prude.

I think the evidence speaks to the contrary.

Amin: Yeah, buddy! Makin’ it happen.

Penny: You people aren’t as interesting as I’d hoped you’d be.
Andrew: That’s why most Legacy stories only go for one generation.

And then Amin fucking lampshades the sex rug in his thought balloon. Thanks man.

Amin: Gotta give credit where it’s due!

Uh, well, speaking of which… didn’t you help raise that kid?

Amin: Yeah, you’re right, it is paying off!

Whatever you’re thinking, don’t.

Oh, were you thinking of NOT fucking?

Thumb on the lens time, I guess.

You doing a headcount or something?

Nick: I hear sex upstairs but I can’t figure out who’s doing it.

Andrew: This is one lucky kid, having your genetics and all.
Penny: He’d be luckier if his dad wasn’t fucking naked.

One more kid in this household and we’re moving to a shelf system.

Let’s just pretend they’re playing Twister in there.

Oliver: It’s like fucking a thick fog.

Nathaniel: You gonna stick around all night?
Nick: Not if it’s not making you uncomfortable.

Nathaniel: Where you going?
Brooke: I came, he saw, I’m leaving.

Sorry, but this is where we’re at right now.

This isn’t “Game of Thrones,” we’re not actively courting the incest crowd.

Nathaniel: I can’t believe I lost my virginity to a double bill with incest.

Sure, take all night with this most minor of characters.

It’s better than the other things I could be watching.

Murphy’s First Law of Gravity: old man penises exert a push force. All objects move away from them at speed.

Welcome home, you missed things I wish I’d missed.

THIS ISN’T YOUR HOUSE

Nathaniel: I think Angelica was-

I KNOW WHAT SHE WAS AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

Oliver: I want to talk about it forever.

Angelica: Please don’t.

Angelica: OH MY GOD HE’S MY-

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