The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 316

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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Yesterday I compressed my Downloads folder.

Today my game only takes eighteen minutes to load instead of forty.

Yes, “only” eighteen minutes.


Alvin: My hand smells funny in the morning.

It’s not the only thing that’s gone funny.

There’s something seriously wrong with these kids. This one is making a bed. What the fuck.

Ivy: I’m breaking it the way that burglar broke my soul.

Ivy: I’m gonna use that as an excuse for a lot of bad behaviour in the coming years.

Ivy: Childhood trauma is worth replacing at least a dozen boxsprings.

Ivy: Mwahaha mileage.

You’ll just have to trust me that she’s evil.

Only an evil child jumps on multiple beds.

I’d be mad if I busted in on that too.

Alvin: Roof’s off the shed.

Get used to it.

Jeeesus.

Ivy: DESPAIR!

Ichelle: Roof’s off the-

YEAH I KNOW

Alvin: Mmm…

Whatcha thinkin’ ’bout?

Alvin: ROOF’S OFF THE SHED

SON OF A BITCH

Ichelle: It really turns me on how that shed has no roof.

Alvin: That’s kinda weird.

Alvin: Which is kinda hot.

Alvin: What? Is my fly undone?

Kelsey: Found another fish in the sea, did you?
Alvin: I’m a scientist. Metaphors go right over my comprehension.

Alvin: I’m not going to sock you with a boxing glove.

Alvin: And I’m not a greaser.

Important details for a dating profile.

Tickling women is fine, as long as they want to be tickled.

Ichelle: I wouldn’t normally, but I’m feeling really uninhibited today.

Why’s that?

Ichelle: Because the roof-

Oh, fuck you.

Alvin: And yet he still won’t put it up.

Because this is SIX YEARS IN THE PAST.

Ichelle: You’re a time traveller?

No, you’re a relic.

Ivy: Why did they make you look like me? You’re not my real sister.
Kelsey: Why aren’t you flattered?
Ivy: Would you be flattered if you saw an uglier version of yourself running around?
Kelsey: Yes!

Ivy: You’re an idiot.
Kelsey: I copied that from you too.

Alvin: There’s an urn full of burglar ashes on top of my fridge, just FYI.

Alvin: Ashes make me think of death make me think of Sullivan.

Alvin: Sullivan should be in jail.

Ichelle: I don’t know who that is but he sounds scary.

Kelsey: Who’s the chick?
Alvin: I dunno, do townies even have names?

Kelsey: I love your impression of how that burglar died.

Somebody dropped you off a poker table?

Alvin: That’s impossible, I’ve never been on a poker table!

Alvin: Oh, you meant…

Yeah.

Alvin: Yeah, sorry.

Alvin: I need a new wife.

Hit some random numbers.

Alvin: Jewel, huh? Sounds like a porn star. You’ll do.

Kelsey: Shit party!
Ivy: No?

Ivy:maybe.

Don’t encourage him.

Or him.

Alvin: Your tits remind me of that burglar I killed.

Jewel: How are you making it burn like that? It’s neat.

Jewel: Who’s this random crying kid? She sounds stupid.

Ivy: Stupid sad!

Alvin: So you got promoted to playable, huh?
Jewel: Sort of. I was a custom NPC to begin with.
Alvin: I was an expansion NPC myself.
Jewel: Not one of those assholes who used to call you on the phone every time you took a shit to be like “HEY I HEARD YOU’RE LEARNING ABOUT NATURE” or break into your house to give you a plaque for the gaming hobby because you had a dream about checkers, right?
Alvin: …let’s change the subject.

Ivy: LET’S CHANGE YOUR FACE

Jewel: Your daughter seems upset.
Alvin: From this distance I can’t even tell if she’s my real daughter.

Alvin: So fuck it.

Jewel: As long as “it” is you.

Ivy: YEAH FUCK YOU

Alvin: Wanna go some place less crying babies?

Ivy: Maybe she’ll die like the burglar!

Alvin: You’d better be worth daughter hate.

Alvin: I’m a secret agent. I can send you to jail if you’re not worth daughter hate.

Yes! Wear different outfits so I can tell you apart.

At least when I add different heights to the game later on, these stupid kissing pics get more interesting because I have to maneuver the Sims around so their lips touch.

Jewel: Please don’t drop me down the stairs.

Ivy: PLEASE DROP HER DOWN THE STAIRS

Alvin: Wow, your muscles are really tense!
Jewel: Screaming children do that to a girl.

Alvin: Maybe we could drop her off the balcony.

Right?

Wait a second.

This is Ivy.

It’s been Kelsey crying.

Actually I guess that makes sense, Alvin’s technically married to her mother.

I’m not going back and fixing the captions.

Ivy: And that’s why paying attention is important.

Ivy: I can see where this is going and I want no part of it.

Alvin: I LOVE THIS PART

Real subtle, guys.

Alvin: OH BABY DO A CHEER
Jewel: ALVIN ALVIN HE’S OUR MAN

Jewel: If he can’t do me, I’ll find someone else!
Alvin: Ahaha.

Jewel: Good thing she’s a deep sleeper.

Alvin: Oh, she’s not.

Kelsey: I’m finding it hard not to take this personally.

Kelsey: You monster.

Jewel: Well, that was… different.

Jewel: Not different bad, though!

Jewel: I’m not a cheerleader anymore.
Alvin: Still gonna tell folks I fucked one.

Jewel: A hot one. Tell them that too.

Jewel: Something wrong with your side of the bed?

Alvin: Man, still smells funny.

Jewel: Don’t want to know.

Alvin: Honey, I fucked a cheerleader!
Ivy: TMI, dad. TMI.

Good, it was Ivy this time.

Jewel: See you around, buddy.
Alvin: Yes, because the world is round! Science.

Jewel: …right on.

Next time: hmm, it’s a little fuzzy, actually.

A lot fuzzy, even.

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