The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 313

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

Click Here for Previous Entries!

One of the hardest things I do is write this little intro blurb because I never have anything to say.

So, there’s that chore done for now.


Hmm, actually, don’t have much to say about this, either.

Stephen: Let’s get some more characters up in this bitch.

Stephen: Let’s start a scandal!

Stephen: That’s not exactly public attire, Margaret.
Margaret: Nobody will notice. It’s either full nudity or no nudity with these people.

Stephen: I am a fan of full nudity.

Dagmar: Who’s that?
Stephen: My wife. I stole her from one of my sons.
Dagmar: You are clearly a good person.

Stephen: I’m a good kisser, at least.

Dagmar: I’ll give you that.
Stephen: I’ll give you more.

Dagmar: I’ll take that.

Stephen: Wow, there’s enough hearts there to partially ensoul one Republican!

Dagmar: Don’t talk about fascism on our date.

Stephen: Is that yours or mine?
Dagmar: He’s a person, Stephen. He’s his own.
Stephen: I MEANT THE CARPOOL

Stephen: You owe me a kiss for implying I’m a racist.

The fuck are you doing here?

Chelsea: I’m just a photog-

NOT YOU

NOT YOU EITHER

Stephen: Ow! Who! Why?

Dagmar: Wow, small world, huh?

Dagmar: Hahaha I was just thinking about how awful it must be to be Neil’s deputy warden, I hope I never have to face Ally again.

Dagmar: Well as long as she heard that I might as well go full awful.

Meanwhile the game goes full weird black blob.

I’ve never seen that before or since.

Stephen: Maybe the weird black blobs are blowjob encouragers.

That would be weird and creepy.

Stephen: WELL MAYBE I LIKE IT

Dagmar: “Maybe”?

Stephen: I mean I’ve had better.

Ally: You’re a dick.
Stephen: Why are you talking to my dick?

Ally: Guy gets a blowjob on the street must have some awesome garbage.

Ally: Nope. Just a dead bird.

Off to “work” I see.

Stephen: Says the person whose current job is writing.

You don’t want to pick a fight with me about writing, Stephen. If I stop writing, you just stop.

Dagmar: Do we really need these things?

Ally: Going through someone’s mail is a federal offense.
Dagmar: Luckily this neighbourhood has no federal structure.

Dagmar: You can leave, by the way.

So… are you just moving in, or what?

Dagmar: It’s not or what!

Your car turned into a limo.

Stephen: And my dick’s out. That cover everything?

Stephen: HEY LOOK NEIGHBOURS A LIMO

That’s the main purpose of limos.

Wait. You got a limo but you got demoted?

Stephen: They call that the Captain Kirk!

Stop bothering the children.

Dagmar: Can’t make me.

Not while you’re inside, I guess.

But hey, you were saying?

Dagmar: I don’t know. I’m a different person now.

Wait, you are still the Mayor of Centreborough, right?

Dagmar: Of course. I’m just thinking about how much I hate busts of bald men on tables.

Dagmar: And accidentally flashing children.

Felix: Photo op!

Fiona: You’re a good agent.

Vicki: You’re a bad mayor.

It’s knight time!

Stephen: Hello Sir Knight!
Margaret: It’s me.
Stephen: Hello, Sir Me!

Yeah, don’t want anyone peeking in your diary while your legs are open.

Margaret: We’re out of Armor All.

Stephen: Is this your bodyguard? Seems a bit medieval.
Margaret: I can’t tell if you’re being stupid or an asshole but it’s hot.

Margaret: Time to floss my airholes.

Dagmar: Time to floss my asshole.
Stephen: Um.
Dagmar: YEAH THAT CAME OUT WRONG

Stephen: It’s okay, I’ll still fuck you.

Margaret: Good day at work? HUSBAND?

Stephen: Your voice sounds less metallic now, Sir Me.

Dagmar: Is she just gonna sit there and eat?
Margaret: I fucked him in a photoshoot for his son’s wedding photos. His son’s wedding to me photos. I have no moral authority here.

Dagmar: Your family life is interesting.

Stephen: Try it.

This looks like a good way to get cancer.

Margaret: Okay! You’re still going! Wow.

Dagmar: “Wow” about covers it, yeah.

Dagmar: He’s givin’ me the ol’ crooked dickin’!

That might be one of my favourite captions ever.

Dagmar: Sudden attack of conscience?
Stephen: Fly in my eye.

Stephen: Will you mayor me?

Dagmar: I mayor may not!

Stephen: This is still legally binding, puns or not.

Dagmar: Bind me, baby.

Stephen: I can get behind that!

Dagmar: You can get behind me.

Dagmar: Oh, we’re getting married right now? In your kitchen.
Stephen: It’s got a great Yelp rating.

Dagmar: I give it more of a welp.

Dagmar: But I’m super happy to be a character now.

Dagmar: Who pays for these rings?
Stephen: We both do, with long years of drudgery.

Dagmar: That sounds fair.

Dagmar: I’m gonna hyphenate my name.
Stephen: Good. Otherwise I’ll have trouble remembering who my various kids belong to.

Dagmar: It’s sweet that you care.

Stephen: Nothing about me or my actions is sweet.

Dagmar: Yeah, you’re a shithead.

Dagmar: Oh look, he realized that was a bad angle.

I have my moments.

Stephen: He has moments, in amongst millennia.

WELL DON’T FUCK ON THE SIDEWALK THEN

Stephen: Try not to step on the kids.
Dagmar: Why?
Stephen: I dunno, I’m just repeating what I’ve been told.

The fuck is her leg doing.

Chelsea: The legs always get fucked up when you use custom poses on a nude-

RHETORICAL QUESTION

Oh, hey, the walls are down and I can see that picture.

Margaret: NOT THE MOST PRESSING ISSUE

Margaret: …I think there should be a “Proceed Y/N” dialog option before this happens.

Dagmar: I didn’t know old cameras could be automated.
Stephen: They can’t. Grugly is manipulating it off-screen.

You’re welcome.

Yeah, make boring Maxis babies with blurry feet why don’t you.

Margaret: Thank god these ones got my skintone.

That’s racist.

Margaret: It’s… not? Stephen and I are the same race. ALSO THERE’S NO RACISM IN THE SIMS.

I’m not surrendering my social justice soapbox just so your world can be a paradise of tolerance, Margaret.

Anyway you may not be racists but you’re still shitty people.

Wait, that’s the same room.

Margaret: Tell me about it.

Stephen: Please stop making this awkward, kids.

Stephen: Whatcha doin’?
Dagmar: Getting my own house. Turns out I can get a government stipend!

More like turns out I don’t want three adults in this household.

Margaret: Oh good, she’s leaving?
Stephen: Oh good, you’re pregnant?

Margaret: Bye miss mayor!
Stephen: Bye thin wife!

Margaret: “Thin wife”? Seriously?
Stephen: Pregnant? Seriously?
Dagmar: YOU GUYS? Seriously?

Dagmar: What are these stains?

People who asked stupid questions.

Stephen: Nighttime is naked garbage time!

I just want to point out that you don’t look ridiculous at all.

Felix: AAAAAAAAGH GODZILLA

It’s supposed to be a Thinking About Something Productive Cap.

For example, think about putting some clothes on.

Next time: nobody’s favourites.

Especially not mine.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.