The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 312

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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Shorter chapters are easier for me in my old age.

Of course, “shorter chapters” for me are still more than twice as long as most people’s Sims entries.

Jewel: I don’t think mopping wizard piss is mentioned anywhere in my contract.

Sullivan: You will fail, woman, as always you fail at everything.

Deborah: This is why no-one will play darts with you, Sullivan.
Sullivan: WEAKNESS

I think I might finally be starting to forget the names of my eight hundred townies.

I don’t think I’ll miss that particular information.

Rosemarie: Tell me why I should buy this chair.
Jewel: Because making money gets Michael horny, and I want to fuck him later.

Rosemarie: I find that kind of honesty refreshing.

Apparently Jill Custer is so ugly, he can tell from behind and through a wall.

Deborah: This window is better than TV, baby!
Sullivan: Only because you can shout at this screen and get results.

Vanessa: Honestly, I don’t think I can afford this chair.
Jewel: Hey, that’s alright! Don’t feel bad!
Michael: Wait, what? Feel bad! Yes feel bad!

Jewel: My boss is afraid of catching poverty from you. Please leave.

Jewel: A fellow cheerleader! Even if it is a fat one.

Myrtle: I hate cheerleaders and fat-shaming!

You cannot be serious.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: With this face, you’re probably right!

FUCK your face.

Yeah, get out of here if you know what’s good for you.

Grugly Prime: I totally get the appeal of god games now!

Grugly Prime: Wait.


Grugly Prime: There’s two of me now.

There’s two of you now.

…there’s three of me now!

Grugly Prime²: These chicks look even hotter lit naturally.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I’m a lamp.

Deirdre: He is.

There’s a plague of gods! Just like in the real world.

Jane: I’m with the SCIA. We’re checking local businesses for ENTROPY connections.
Jewel: Yeah, I hear evil furniture is a growth industry.
Michael: Zing!

I remember what it was like taking pictures of this shit, in this shit place.

It was shitty.

Jewel: Fuckin’ CHAIRS!
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Oh my GOD!

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: And to think I tried to murder these nice people.

Alvin: You smell like sad magic, dude.
Jewel: You don’t need a table, you need a shower.

Grugly Prime²: I should’ve just killed him.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I’m stealing this chair.
Grugly Prime²: I will destroy you.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I’m buying this chair.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Just ‘cuz I’m evil doesn’t mean I can’t compromise.

Deborah: I’m poor.
Jewel: And ugly, too!

Grugly Prime²: I knew there was a reason we made you playable.

Michael: When I mention you in my ads, do I call you a god, or an avatar of a god?
Grugly Prime²: You may call me redacted.

Dude! Don’t say my real name!

Grugly Prime²: You’re right, I can probably parlay that info into sex or something.

Jewel: You’re pretty hot for a short dude.
Lance: I’m turned on and embarassed at the same time!

Lance: Luckily embarassment is also a turn-on.

Loyalty via insults.

The barista model.

Deborah: Really, that much? Wow. Are you hiring?

Lance: I knew you were too thin.

Michael: Vacuum hand!

Michael: Shuuuunk!

Michael: Nothing up my sleeves!

I’d throw that dress out if I were you.

Man, what’s it like being able to lie down in public? #justnotOCDthings

Jewel: It’s not as great as you’re apparently thinking.

Gypsies, tramps… all we need are thieves, now!

Oh, I’m sorry, it’s “Gypsys” because Cher can’t spell.

Gypsys sounds like a plant.

I think y’all got the gold-digging relationship backwards.

Jewel: You like me for more than the money I bring in, right?
Michael: Honey, that’s all I like about me.

Anthony: Welcome home! Like my makeshift red carpet?

Sometimes I consider explaining things that non-Sims players might not understand.

Then I don’t do that.

Wait. Why have you been learning couple’s counselling?

Veronica: Yeah, it’ll hardly be lucrative in a town where you can’t name one single solid relationship.

…let me think about that for a while.

I wish more Sims got Victoria’s evil-ass eyes.

Instead of just Neil’s evil-ass personality.

You sure you guys don’t want to get in each other’s way or hog an object everyone wants or something? Because this synergy is really creeping me out.

Michael: Hey, funny story! Someone in the comments last chapter mentioned that I own a bookstore, and I totally forgot that I own a bookstore.

Jewel: I’m buying out your mom’s contract on your dad.

Veronica: Make sure you get the furniture store in the inevitable divorce.

Veronica: Also my mom could totally take you.

Michael: Okay! Wow! Everybody stop this.

I really need to start pruning these pics. I mean seriously.

Joshua: Whoops, almost forgot I want to be a back door man.

In fairness I think I might have just now created the back door especially for you.

Jewel: He is especial.

Joshua: Why are you dating that rich dude? Never mind I just explained it didn’t I.

Michael: ♪ Happy birthday screw Chelsea! ♪

Jewel: Living with rich people is like havin’ a fuckin’ money genie.

Michael: I hope I remember this dude’s name before he learns to talk.

Anthony: I hope he learned to carpet swim, I’ll feel so guilty if he carpet drowns.

Kid’s got style, I like it.

Michael: Somebody didn’t get the message that this is a monochrome household.

Anthony: I’mma leave before he gains enough sentience to realize how badly I’ve mistreated him.

Veronica: Oh boy! This thing!

Jewel: Oh boy, that thing!
Joshua: It’s happy to see you too!

Vincent: .oO(Wow, I hope I don’t look that stupid.)

Veronica: .oO(He looks really stupid.)

Now go off and have cute little D-list babies.

Jewel: Don’t you dare impregnate me.

Jewel: What’s this stupid thing? It looks stupid.

Jewel: Not as stupid as that thing, though. That thing is so stupid-looking I need to document it.

Behold said document.

Vincent has researched Self-Shitting.

I mean he can shit by himself, not that he can shit himself.

Vincent: .oO(Naw man, I can do that too!)

Michael: .oO(I need fuckin’ sunglasses in here.)

Jewel: Do you like my style?
Michael: No.

Michael: But I like doggy style!
Jewel: That’ll do! Pig.

Jewel: Aren’t you afraid Poppy will catch us?
Michael: Daisy’s dead. If Daisy can die, the only thing I’m afraid of now is death.

Michael: .oO(And I’m really afraid of death.)

Vincent: .oO(Right in the kisser, buddy!)

Ugh, go have a baby or something.

Chelsea: I’m collecting material for my nest! My hate nest.

Michael: .oO(We need to sleep with suntan lotion on.)

Veronica: .oO(They need to nail that bed down.)

Vincent: .oO(This thing needs to suffer.)

.oO(Next time: The Mayor of Centreborough.)

That was supposed to be a Mayor of Casterbridge joke, but it’s not very good.

Also, why would you ever make a Mayor of Casterbridge joke?


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