The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 311

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

Click Here for Previous Entries!

Happy New Day!

Michael: Mornin’, hotwife and notwife!
Jewel: Which one am I?

Poppy: Notwife is also hot.
Michael: Hotnotwife it is!

Michael: I’m glad you appreciate her.
Poppy: I’m still not sure what’s she’s doing in my house, though.
Jewel: I’m doing your husb-
Michael: HUSBANDRY, she’s doing your HUSBANDRY. Growing pot plants.

Poppy: Good save.

Poppy: Fuckin’ asshole.

Michael: Fuckin’ right!

Michael: I’m heartfarting for you.
Poppy: What a romantic turn of phrase.

Meanwhile, Anthony continues his experiments.

Anthony: I’m trying to create a floor-baby hybrid.

Whole lotta husbandry goin’ on.

Jewel: Do you think she knows about us?
Michael: I’ve been married to her for years, she knows all about me!
Jewel: That’s… not what I meant.
Michael: Well you phrased it badly, then.

Jewel: She’s right, you are a fuckin’ asshole.
Michael: Fuckin’ right!

Michael: Could you not have waited?
Anthony: I could’ve, but I didn’t.

Obligatory reminder that Veronica exists.

Veronica: I’m reading about-

Don’t care, you’re not in this chapter.

Jewel: So you’re a Fortune Sim.
Michael: Well-spotted.
Jewel: Why aren’t you making a fortune?

Jewel: Your wife makes all the money in this household.

Jewel: And all your shit’s breaking.
Michael: My shit is not breaking!

Anthony: Shit yeah it is!

Anthony: I hate earning my pay.

Jewel: Open a shop or something. Get rich.
Michael: Have you been peeking at my Lifetime Want somehow?

Michael: Are you honestly going downtown in your underwear?
Jewel: I don’t know how to do it dishonestly.

Michael: That’s fair?

Michael: Whittaker’s Fine Furniture is open for business!
Jewel: I think you mean Open for Business.

William: Who’s the hot shiny chick?

Bernard: Man, you’re gorgeous enough to be a jail receptionist!
Jewel: …thanks?

Jewel: Buy a table.
William: Why?

Kyle: You two would look ridiculous combined by a transporter accident.

Chelsea: I don’t get it. I can buy this shit from the Buy Mode catalogue way cheaper.

Jewel: But you’ll be supporting us if you buy it here!
Chelsea: I’ve already got enough kids that aren’t mine, I’m not adopting more.

Michael: Ungrateful! After I fucked her and everything.

Kyle: Eww, you fucked that weird chick? Your store is gross.

Prof. Rebecca: Oh boy, I could really use a table! To sleep on.

In the distance, Bennett Harbour. I mention it because I apparently didn’t take any establishing shots after changing Centreborough drastically for the first time in a decade.

Nerissa: Claustrophobia: The Store!

Theresa: Is this a front for ENTROPY? Asking for a friend.

Michael: ENTROPY no, but entropy in lower-case is becoming a real problem for me.

Jewel: Is this thing safe?
Michael: Who cares?

I’m not looking your stupid name up.

Jewel: Buy a lovely dining set!
Victor: I hate lovely dining sets!
Jewel: Buy it for your wife!
Victor: I hate my wife!

Vicki: Hey there, lesser characters!

Oh, wait, your name is Shane, right?

Shane: ☆ ++

Shane: God made me happy in your store.
Jewel: Cool.

Ugh, not cool.

Naturally this makes everyone mad at the store owner.

Because EA didn’t rush every aspect of every version of this game to market without testing it, or anything.

Jewel: Wanna buy a chair, so you can sit your ass down and not ruin our star rating?

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Did I just piss myself? Because it looks like I just pissed myself.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Because I’m eeeevil.

What’s with all the prison guards? You fuckers can’t afford fine furniture.

Bill: Yeah, the furniture in our prison is admittedly less-than-fine.

Well I’m glad the nobodies are getting along.

Jewel: If you had an expensive chair you’d be the envy of all your colleagues!
Nanette: What if I already am that?

Jack: Come here often?
Emmy: No, but I do come often at my place of business!

Nanette: We should crush these people.

Bill: Holy shit, a rock star just walked by.
Ember: Never get tired of hearing that.

Jack: Can you roleplay as a genocidal maniac?

Nanette: I’d be willing to give it a go!

Abigail: So I take it this place sells jump ropes?


And yay, you’ve got prostitutes operating out of the bathroom now.

Bill: Ooh! Really?!

Yeah, that’s a respectable distance, dude.

Michael: Hot for employee.

Emmy: I’m a cloud!

Cash registers!

More difficult than learning piano, creating robots, or flying helicopters.

Chelsea: I see you’ve got a new side-chick.
Michael: She’s got less sides than my previous one.

Jewel: I think that might have been insulting to both of us.

Oh. I forgot that catching someone cheating doesn’t make it okay for you to cheat.

Porn plots notwithstanding.

Michael: Bet you really wanna slap me, huh.
Chelsea: Curse you and your insurmountable waist-height counter!

Michael: I prefer to admire from safely afar.


Lance: How much for just the blonde?
Michael: Make me an offer.
Jewel: What?

Lance: I’m going to create an army of evil wizards. Would you like to be my groupie?

Jewel: I’m more of a lawyer groupie.

Alvin: Think we’ll ever end up married, partner?
Theresa: If management ever reads my reports on you, we won’t even be partners for long.

Tart darts!

I’m sorry, that was mean.

Tiffany: But accurate!

You sure are attracting a high-quality clientele.

Kenya: Hey. I’m Captain Hero.
Jewel: But you’re a gross old person!
Kenya: Superhero promotions come slowly.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Stop bothering me! I just want to wreck everything.

Michael: OH NO
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: WHAT IS THAT EVEN


Jewel: Hi! Bye.

Michael: If you think the weather is my fault, fuck off and die.

Michael: While we fuck on!
Jewel: And not die!
Michael: Too soon to tell.

Michael: Oops, twinge of guilt.

Michael: Nope, nope! Just heartburn.

Sullivan: You should put a sign on her face.

Wow, this chapter is really Revenge of the I Don’t Cares.

Jewel: Is it NPC coupon day or something, boss?
Michael: Ask them if they even have money.

Jewel: Stop trying to seduce our customers.
Emmy: I’m gonna denounce you at the next Chamber of Commerce meeting.

Doing some purchasing for a jobsite?

Don’t answer, your mouth is closed and it’ll look fake.

Myrtle: .oO(…sister?)

Oh brother.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Ain’t I a stinker.

Grugly Prime: No, but you will be.

Fuck up MY business, will you.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: oh no my comeuppance

Jewel: Make him pee himself.

Sounds like a plan.

Not a solid plan, but a liquid one.

Grugly Prime: Did you incarnate me just to torture people?

That’s the only reason I even play this game, mate.

Grugly Prime: Well I can totally get used to it.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: You win this round, Maker.

I’m going to win every round.

Except when the game crashes.

So I guess I win, like… four out of every five rounds, basically.

Grugly Prime: Don’t let it go to your godhead.

Next time: the continuation of this incredibly-important storyline.

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