The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 310

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

Click Here for Previous Entries!

Back on the chain gang.

Ally: All prisoners present and accounted-for, Warden Sharpe!
Neil: Marry me.

Neil: Who are you again?
Ally: Ally Ternynck. I’m your Deputy Warden.
Neil: Ooh, I have one of those?!

Neil: I have a hot one of those!

Neil: Roll call, maggots! I’m sorry, that didn’t feel good, I take it back.

Neil: I’m not saying you’re not maggots, I’m just saying it sounds bad coming from a place of power.

Neil: The power to shoot you if we want to shoot you, in case you’re wondering.

Neil: Even if you surrender.

Neil: That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try surrendering, though. I mean, hey, you never know! Right!

Neil: We’ll feel really bad if we have to shoot you, though. Which means you’ll be doing something awful to us if you give us a reason to shoot you. Which means we’ll be justified.
Gina: I like this guy!

Neil: There will be no brutality in my prison. Unless it’s me doing it. I know I’d have a good reason.

Neil: I assume any reason that pops into my head is a good reason. For anything.

Neil: What? Did I say something?

Neil: Long story short: nobody leaves here in yellow pajamas unless they are also red.

Neil: Meaning we killed you.

Neil: Speech over, go have fun.


Elle: This would never have happened if people hadn’t held me accountable for my actions!

Nanette: Who’s in charge of scheduling?
Neil: Sounds boring. Ally is.

Bill: Taking up art criticism, are we?

Bill: Let me give you some other objects to critique.
Myrtle: I won’t object!

Bill: Want to make me extra tired for my shift later?
Myrtle: Sounds dangerous! For everybody.

Jesus Christ people, pair off and fuck off. This is too much.

Faith: Hey, can I ask you something?
Bernard: No.

Cameron: That woman slathered so much hot on herself, you couldn’t see the homely!

Bernard: These women are ugly.
Don: You were under the impression that pretty people go to jail?

Bill: Want me to steal you anything from the prisoners?

Nanette: Just so you know, this is sexual harassment.
Neil: It’s okay, I already knew.

Nanette: The fact that I’m into you doesn’t make sexual harassment okay.
Neil: I promise to do better after the first time my existing approach doesn’t work.

Convicts! Feared denizens of darkness! Sadistic masters of the underworld!

Faith: Can I have some sharp objects and some blunt objects? For my cell?

Bambi: Golly this is exciting.

Nanette: Got dirt on my boss and it’s only the first day! Score!

Cameron: I’ve had gruelinger gruel.

Neil: I don’t know if this is projecting quite the image of strength I want the prisoners to see.

Cameron: OCD club. You want in?

It’s fair game for jokes because I have it.

For real.

Look who’s got himself a jail bird!

Myrtle: British slang jokes are hot.

Neil: This doesn’t feel like punishment or rehabilitation.

Elle: I’m gonna tell the newspapers we get all kinds of neat privileges so the neocons get us shut down!

Bambi: We don’t actually have to be mean to the prisoners, right?
Bill: Of course not. Why?
Bambi: Media has left me in some doubt.

I feel like a little meanness might be needed at this point, though.

But I can see you’re busy gettin’ busy.

Neil: Hooters is empty and all the hotties are here!

Neil: I am gonna be a bad boss.

Myrtle: Treat the prisoners well and they’ll come to respect you.
Bill: What is this Sesame Street bullshit?!

Bill: The next thing out of your mouth had better be your tongue.

Readers: you are not meant to identify with Bill.

Even when his shitty behaviour works.

Yvonne: Move?
Nanette: Nah.

Don: No, I don’t see Iris in this cell.
Yvonne: The bars are windows, dude! You can use them to see outside.

Prison breaks in TS2 mostly involve exploiting glitches.

Ally: This is boring. I’m gonna go do some paperwork.

Don: Cameron.
Bernard: Nanette!
Yvonne: Freedom.

Neil: The fuck you people staring at?

Cameron: Hey, you know Alvin?
Cameron: …who said that?


Bill: This secretary’s too liberal for me.

Iris: Which of you losers is in charge here?

Bill: Sounds like a definite not Bill problem!

Washing off the stink of desperation?

Bambi: Yeah, you have to let it soak for a bit.

Desperation looks a whole lot like contentment somehow.

Cameron: I brought some books.

Bill: I disapprove of books. I don’t think we want these people learning.

Neil: I know I’m sexy, but I know you’re only saying it to put me off-guard.

Neil: Just like I’m only saying you’re sexy because I can get away with it!

Bill: None of this seems properly oppressive.

Neil: Don’t play games with me. Play them with each other. I’ve got cameras in the cells and I’m selling access on the internet.

Don: I think he meant sex, not actual games.
Faith: I’m trying to piss off his subscribers.

Oh, when’s the science fair?

Ally: Fuck off.

Because that’s one steamy volcan-


Cameron: Jail: where good friends meet!

Bambi: Oh, look, someone’s too good for sawdust.

Myrtle: Judge Whittaker said no visitations on the first day.
Iris: Judge Whittaker has a tiny penis.

Cameron: I miss Conrad GilsCarbo, Vampire Hunter.

I think he was a zombie hunter, actually.

Cameron: What? That’s racist!

Faith: I like to think she’s tunneling with her shoulder blades.

Are you supposed to be eating with the prisoners?

Neil: I like a little erection with my dinner.

Faith: I feel like y’all shouldn’t be fraternizing with us convicts.
Nanette: Ally made volcanoes and it’s rude not to partake.

Neil: Lotta partakin’ in this prison’s future.

Bambi: We need tasers.

Oh, did Neil assign new uniforms?

Yvonne: Is there a point to this display?
Elle: Nudity is its own point.

Elle: bwah my life is over

So those beds are just decorative, huh.

Bambi: Night shift has to do the dishes! New rule.

I feel like someone is getting paid to do that for you.

Cameron: Gotta have something to do for the next forty years.

Elle: Hit rock bottom: check!

Elle: It’s all uphill from here. Fuck, that’s a bad metaphor.

Bernard: Stop hovering around, you’re not getting inside.
Iris: These speech bubble interpretations are getting more and more creative!

I try.

I always thought you were kinda horse-faced.

Nanette’s off-duty hair is really unfortunate.

Nanette: Your hair is-

Yeah, it is, I know.

Bill: Your shift, Lesser Bill!

Did I not give you a bedroom? I gave you a bedroom.

Sims have this weird politeness thing going where until you send them to bed the first time, they assume all the beds belong to someone else.

Nanette: I think I’m gonna make out alright here.

Bill: Let’s get started on that! The making-out part.

Bill: I have fingers!
Nanette: Always a plus!

Bill: I have flowers.
Nanette: Men’s secret weapon!

I see you found the sumptuous governerial Sleeping Couch.

Less sumptuous, but more beddish.

She’s dreaming about killing Don.

I myself have had that dream many times.

Love potions and related things always seem really skeevy to me.

Nanette: Normally I’d agree, but in this one case I’m fully on-board with the skeeve.

Hey guys, you know what else is really hot? Doing the dishes.

Bill: We’ve got better things to do.

I’ve been playing a lot of Jurassic World: Evolution lately.

So I’ve got the epic John Williams theme from the original film in my head right now.

It’s making these scenes look extra ridiculous.

Try it.

It’s some serious tonal dissonance.

I’m glad it’s happening though, because otherwise I don’t know what I’d caption this boring shit with.

I guess I could just leave it out.

But that’s not my style.

Bill: Your style is bad.

Nanette: Hey, don’t knock bad, dude.

Bill: Hahaha you know Bambi?
Nanette: Not really?
Bill: Yeah me neither.

Bill: Dumb name, though.

Nanette: I’ll snog to that.

Yeah, leave them for the paper delivery kids to snack on.

I’ll name a Sim after the first reader who can tell me the name of that zombie.

But not that one, because I don’t even remember that one.

Nanette: Would one teensy little riot be too much to ask for?

Bill: I thought prison would have doppelgangers or magic black people or Tim Robbins. I feel like I’ve been tricked.

Bill: But hey, free canned garbage!

Nanette: Janitor… with an assault rifle!

Nanette: Man, that’s some hot snoring.

Bernard gets up to take a Leak.

Nanette: Yes, thanks for letting me wear your breakfast.

Nanette: These black hole cans are pretty neat.

Nanette: Invasion of privacy is so sexy!

Love the jail-themed pajamas.

Bill: Get up.

Bernard: Milady’s in trouble! White knight to the rescue!

Nanette: Aww, he was in such a hurry he forgot his fedora!

Bambi: Let’s wake them up just for fun.

Bernard: Let’s have actual fun just for fun.

Bambi: I bet this is what real prison guards do.

I don’t think I’d be happy sharing a bunk with a guy named Leak.

Bill: I burned his sheets and mattress first.

Faith: Another day in paradise.

How’s the mansion?

Neil: I’ve had bigger.


Neil: Not to me, she didn’t.

This is the most romantic spot in the prison.

‘cuz that’s a romance novel on the shelf.

Amar: I hope they de-thorned the eatin’ flowers this time.

Bernard: I think this is the beginning of a long and prosperous relationship.
Bambi: I dunno, you’re a dude. Dudes are expendable ’round here.

True that.

Faith: This is cruel and unusual treatment.

I’m not transcribing that.

Don: Oh god, don’t tell me they’re all morning people.

It’s 4:50 in the afternoon where I am and it’s still too early to process this.

Faith: You and I never really got acquainted, Donathan.
Don: It’s just Don.
Faith: Yeah, that was always my reason.

Don: You’re a snarky little thing.
Faith: I’ve been eighteen since the world was thirty.
Don: I don’t know how to react to that.

The fuck is that even?

Neil: I’ll tell you when my intestines figure it out.

Those are some pretty inappropriate pajamas.

I like ’em.

Elle: People who play Red Hands deserve to DIE.

A lot of people deserve to die.

Neil: Been there, done that.

Next time: a new year.

Those are always better than old years, am I right?

I’m not right.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.