The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 309

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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Let’s rock.


Dagmar: State-sanctioned resurrection. The libertarians are gonna pitch a fit.

Good.

Who are we resurrecting?

Dagmar: Well we did a talent search to find a warden for the new jail…

If you decided on someone who died somehow, your criteria sucked.

Dagmar: Oh, full price please. We want him in all his original, dubious glory.

Dagmar: OH NO SUSPENSE

Is that…

Dagmar: SUSTAIN THE SUSPENSE

It is.

Dagmar: It is, it is, it is!

Dagmar: I’m the mayor. Zombiism’s been cured. Drink this.
Neil: Drink this box?

Neil: Hey, wow, I’m alive again! Sort of. Why now?
Dagmar: The government has revoked your right to be dead.

Neil: That makes sense.

Neil: Hoo-whee! I bet there’s an entire drug subculture based around this.

Neil: Look out, world! You can’t keep a good bad down!

You’re lucky I have trouble letting go.

Dagmar: Congratulations! You’re the new warden of Bennett Harbour Penitentiary.
Neil: Bennett what?
Dagmar: We built a jail to house all the dangerous criminals in the area.
Neil: Sure sure, but Bennett what? You named it after Victoria instead of me?

Neil: Was it a permissions thing? You have my permission to rename it after me.

Dagmar: Your arrogance is annoying and attractive.

Neil: I’mma go see my jail. Where is it?
Dagmar: In the harbour.
Neil: Where’s the harbour?
Dagmar: I dunno, we just invented it.

Jane: Neil Sharpe? Really?
Dagmar: This is why we need to hold committees on the days when William’s not in the office.

Jail staff!

This is Myrtle Pereira. She’s just the receptionist, so surely nothing awful will happen to her.

Bill Allison is a Correctional Officer and also a bit of a jackoff.

Nanette Naylor is also a Correctional Officer, and she’s a Romance Sim, because that’s not a dangerous combination.

Bernard Leak is a Correctional Officer with a terrible surname.

Bambi Brackett is the last of the Correctional Officers. She just wants to have fun. Which is why she’s a Correctional Officer, obviously. For all the fun that they have.

Gwendolyn… um.. Gwendolyn… um… Gwendolyn Something is one of the tower guards.

Same goes for Karrie Barazza.

Their personalities aren’t gonna matter for a long time.

At least Numbers Wirth has a hilarious name.

Elijah Hurley doesn’t even have that going for him.

Sol Goad looks more like an accountant than a tower guard.

And Sasha Stidham looks more like a kindergarten teacher.

Feeling safe yet?

Neil: I don’t know about safe, but definitely young!

Yeah, I don’t know what this was about, pretend it didn’t happen.

Nerissa: Good news mad dog, we found you a forever home.

Ricky: Do you want to borrow my do-rag? You’re not really dressed for prison life.

Brooke: You’re doing this just to piss me off, right?

Don: I’m doing it just to piss me out.

Aurora: Is this that passive resistance stuff I keep hearing about?

Cameron: So do you think every prisoner who escapes gets a movie made about them, or just the first one?

Don: I hope the prison guards are hotter than the cops.

Yvonne: Hey, fellow chicken! Time to come home to roost!

Nerissa: Funny story: the prison has electronic locks, so they don’t even need to throw away the key, they can just delete it.

Ricky: Don’t forget to write! To anyone who wants to hear from you.

Brooke: Fucker didn’t flush.

Faith: Okay, so…
Ricky: Anyone know where the prison is?
Cameron: Ooh, I do! Let me drive!

Yvonne: I still say they should have let Cameron drive.

Don: You’d never know it was a prison if someone didn’t tell you, eh.

Bill: Hey, boss man! How’s it hangin’?
Neil: I have arthritis. Why do I still have arthritis?

The Grim Reaper’s a stickler for details.

Bill: So… you’re just gonna leave me hangin’, huh.

I thought all the prison employees had to wear uniforms.

Myrtle: This is a uniform. Warden Sharpe picked it out for me.

Oh.

That makes sense.

Gwendolyn: I wish they’d go inside already, this thing is heavy.

Karrie: I hope they let us shoot the seagulls in our downtime.

I bet it makes them feel safe over there, knowing that you’re pointing a gun at them.

Gina: Seriously? That chick?
Don: If you’d seen her with grey skin and matted hair you’d understand.

Ricky: NAW GUYS IT’S COOL WE’VE GOT ALL DAY

Faith: Loving the Nazi pillbox aesthetic.

Don: Who’s looking at the architecture?

Faith: Hey, I wonder if Don likes Cameron.

Gina: So this is what the world looks like sans windshield.

Ally: I’m picturing Don with your hair.
Nerissa: Focus, madame Deputy Warden.

Nerissa: I hereby sign the prisoners over to your care.
Ally: Oh, we have to care for them? I hope we don’t have to care about them, too…

Nerissa: Good fortune, folks.

Yvonne: Okay, we’ve been scared straight, you can release us now.

Yvonne: I can’t read that expression. Is it agreement? Are you agreeing with me?

Ally: Head on in.
Yvonne: So you’re not agreeing with me, then.

Ally: Alright folks, let’s go! Your boxes await.

Gina: I spent my entire life in a box. The only difference is that this one won’t have wheels.
Faith: Badass boast, Gina!
Don: Gina for cell-block president!

Elle: Can’t see shit.

Yvonne: Holy shit, aren’t you dead?

Yvonne: Aren’t you dead sexy.

Yvonne: I smell a prison porno coming on.

Ally: Alright preppy, you’re next.

Yvonne: Oh, I was just here to escort my sister. I’ll be going now!

Yvonne: My last cell didn’t have a shelf! Things are looking up!

Faith: My parents are famous, I shouldn’t have to deal with this shit.

Neil: Anyone else hoping they try something?
Bill: Definitely.

Bill: I’m thinking about trying something myself.
Neil: She’s too old for you. How old are you, um… Faith? Like, fifty?
Faith: About a hundred in hell years. Because I spent most of my years in hell.

Nice duds!

Yvonne: Duds. That’s an appropriate word for them, yes.

Faith: Oh good, a picture of me so I don’t forget what I look like.

Ally: You’re up, sport!
Cameron: I hate sports.

Neil: Did they arrest the whole damn neighbourhood?
Bambi: I have to pee.

Faith: I’m gonna drown myself. Slowly.

Yvonne: There are worse ways to spend an afternoon than lounging on your bed in pajamas.

Yeah, but what about a lifetime?

Wait, how come there’s room for extra people in the cafeteria?

How are the prisoners supposed to get in fights about who sits next to who?!

Neil: Cameron.
Cameron: Old dude.

Don: I’m ready for my closeup, miss.
Ally: Guess it’s Gina’s turn, then.

Don: I like a woman who can’t be pushed around.
Ally: I wish you’d try, though. Just once.

Cameron: Guess I have time to do the jumble now.

Is that slang for taking a shit?

Gina: See you on the inside, handsome!
Don: We’re already inside. Learn semantics, stupid.

Don: So hey, now that we’re alone –
Ally: – I could kill you and make up any story I like. Yeah, I’ve considered that.

Gina: I’m just excited to be a character all of a sudden.

Amar: Man, even the criminals get a house.

Don: What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
Ally: Whatever I want.

Ally: Play your cards right and I might let you have all your legal rights and privileges.

Don: She loves me.

Bernard: Did you guys know we’re not in a hurry? Because apparently we’re not in a hurry.

Ally: .oO(Please don’t let me have a criminal fetish.)

Myrtle: Your taste in men is garbage.

Gina: .oO(This is the most fun I’ve ever had.)

Don: Oh, wow, the jail’s already haunted.

Don: I’m gonna ignore the dead dude and skip right to the hot chicks.

Bambi: .oO(What an asshole.)
Bernard: .oO(What an asshole.)
Neil: .oO(What an asshole.)
Bill: .oO(What an asshole.)
Nanette: .oO(What an ass! Yowza.)

Gina: JAIL IS BAD

Neil: Dream on, paperboy.

Don: I will.

Don: Life is but a dream.

Coincidentally, “life” is what they gave you!

Ally: Hurry up cow! Nobody likes a slow cow!

Elle: Um, racist much?

Yeah, one newspaper ought to do ’em.

Cameron: I HATE CONSEQUENCES

Neil: That cow reminds me of my wife.

Which one?

Neil: I’m not gonna tell you, you’ll get me in trouble.

Elle: Lock me up already, I need this stupid hat off by yesterday.

Control yourself, Bambi.

Neil: Belay that order, Bambi!

Elle: How now.

Myrtle: Guess that’s the last of them.
Ally: All the interesting criminals are already dead.

Elle: The nerve of some people, calling you out for murder.

Gina: So how long do I gotta stay in here? Five minutes? Ten minutes?

Cameron: I can’t wait for the inevitable prison break storyline.

You won’t have to wait long.

Next time: incarceration fraternization.

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