Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
In which business is done.
Got the skills to pay those bills?
Richard: No, but I know who does.
Richard: Do real people ever put the phone on the floor?
I don’t know any real people.
Richard: I don’t know any virtual people. Yet.
Gonna pick that money?
Richard: I told you already, I don’t intend to do any work.
Richard: I intend to work it!
Richard: Ooh! Ahh! Livin’ the dream!
Richard: …what’s that sound?
Everybody look what’s goin’ down.
Richard: The space exterminator is here!
Yeah, he’s here to exterminate your space.
Good, you want to make sure to get the whole set.
I thought vampires didn’t have reflections.
Richard: Okay, so maybe I’ll do a little work.
Richard: Let me know when you see some prospective employees, though.
Are you looking for child labour, or… vacationers?
Richard: Man, adulting is hard.
Richard: Aww, they cancelled my favourite show!
Fuckin’ networks, eh.
Richard: Welllll… the star did die in a car explosion.
Richard: People still play chess?
Not in your house they don’t.
Richard: Man, being old must be boring.
Some random chick outside.
Richard: She hot?
Richard: Then she’s perfect.
Richard: No, don’t touch me! Only the clients.
Richard: Let’s just get this out of the way real quick: I’ll let you move into my house if you fuck people for money.
Tiffany: I’m not sure how quick we can get that out of the way.
Richard: If you move in you’ll become a playable.
Richard: Oh look, she came back.
Tiffany: A real playable? Like Abigail Young and William Sharpe?
Richard: Sure! Only… uglier!
Richard: DON’T EAVESDROP
Tiffany: What even is this thing?!
Richard: Hmm. What should her theme be?
Richard: All good prostitutes need a theme!
I thought the theme was “sex for money.”
Tiffany: I wonder what the record is for youngest pimp ever.
Richard: She looks Japanesey to me. This furniture also looks Japanesey to me.
So that’s her theme, then?
Tiffany: I can live with it.
Richard: But can you work with it.
Tiffany: Man, choices! Never had those before.
Richard: I’ll get you the relevant tax forms in the morning.
Tiffany: Wow, Japanesey is hottish!
Aw, look at the poor little guy, all tuckered out.
From starting his brothel.
Tiffany: He’s already got enough money to pay these bills.
I guess he’s just in it for love, then.
Tiffany: So, what made you want to take up this… business?
Richard: It’s a family firm.
Tiffany: Is there a lot of money in it?
Richard: I dunno, a dude killed my mom and all her employees before I could find out.
Emmy Hourvitz: I’m a Mormon!
Emmy: Hello little man!
Richard: I’m putting you on fat dude duty for that.
Richard: God, what is with you people?! Drugs dealers don’t do drugs, and prostitutes don’t give away affection for free!
Emmy: I’m a what now?
Emmy: Whatever, it’s better than being homeless.
Richard: She hasn’t seen the fat dudes yet.
I take it your theme was “lumberjack.”
Emmy: “Lumberjill,” actually.
You look more like a Jack to me.
Tiffany: Wash that dish when you’re done.
Emmy: I didn’t become a prostitute to do manual labour!
Tiffany: Tell me everything you know.
Emmy: So I rub this all over myself and get clean? That’s weird.
Oh no, I’ve been framed!
Tiffany: Gotta rub my vagina on everything, mark my territory.
Gnome: Go ahead, I’ve got you.
What did you change your Turn-Ons to? ‘cuz I hope “fat” was in there somewhere.
Emmy: Are you fat? ‘cuz you’re lookin’ good.
Oh, you changed them to “Sad” and “Lonely.”
Kennedy Smith: Did somebody call me?
Emmy: Wanna fuck?
Kennedy: Can I get two?
Emmy: I said fuck, not hug, perv!
Emmy: But man that’s some sexy sad and lonely you got goin’ on right there.
Emmy: I’m a lumberjill, and I’m okay.
Kennedy: You work all night…
Emmy: And probably all day, too. My rates are reasonable.
Kennedy: Climb my tree, baby.
I think that’s the symbol for when you start to like someone because it’s too dark to see how ugly they are.
Kennedy: ASS GRAB!
Emmy: At least you call your shots!
Emmy: Slow up there, tiger!
Kennedy: Slow down, you mean?
Emmy: No, slow up! As in go less slow!
Kennedy: Your ass was gross and I’m sad I touched it.
Emmy: That makes me feel better about beating you up and taking your wallet.
Kennedy: That’s my most dangerous fetish!
Dream big, baby.
Kennedy: I’d take you home with me, but I don’t have a home.
Kennedy: Are you guys hiring?
Emmy: Only kinda ugly people, sorry fuggo.
Kennedy: That’s fair.
Kennedy: I forgot to ask how much you charge.
Emmy: That’s okay, I’ll rob you blind while you sleep.
Kennedy: I never sleep.
Kennedy: Honestly this is my first day of having real biological functions.
Emmy: You too?
Emmy: What is this gross shit?!
Jasmyn Yang: Is this where the lumberjill convention’s at?
Richard: So I’m obviously not a madame, but does that make me a monsieur?
Richard: Hi! Want to have sex for me?
Jasmyn: Say that again, slowly and carefully?
Richard: STOP. WHY.
Richard: WHAT DID YOU TELL THEM
Gnome: I DINT SAY NOTHIN
Kennedy: Noisy place.
Emmy: Business is booming!
Richard: You need to pick a new theme. May I suggest Victorian? You’re that kind of ugly, I think.
Emmy: This is gonna cost you extra.
Kennedy: Well fuck that I’m leaving.
Emmy: Let me get you a business card before you go.
Richard: Well anyway, thanks for taking my virginity.
Emmy: We’re the only virginity-disposal business in town!
Emmy: This is the part where I rifle through your backpack.
No, this is the part where this happens.
Emmy: Oh god this again.
Oh god, this again.
Richard: Geez dude, update your drivers or something.
Richard: Sheesh, slim pickings. In fact, even Slim Pickens would be better.
Richard: Okay, you’re in.
Jasmyn: I’m in what?
Richard: Just… scroll up, I don’t want to go through it again.
Richard: WHY WHY WHY WHY
Richard: SURE. FUCK. WHATEVER.
Richard: NOW LET ME SLEEP DAMMIT
I usually take pics like this when I find the Sims interesting.
What the fuck.
Kennedy: Everything the fuck.
I’ve never seen a flesh unibrow before.
Richard: Thanks for your business.
Kennedy: …are you the owner’s kid?
Richard: I’m the owner, kid!
Richard: SNITCHES GET STITCHES
Richard: Hello, would you be interested in-
Emmy: Is he still here? His ugly face is all I can see.
Jasmyn: I don’t think I’ll miss the lumberjill theme.
Jasmyn: All things considered.
Kyle? I dunno, I don’t think you’re his type.
Emmy: What’s his type?
Emmy: No, we can’t “order in” for you! You pick from what we got.
Jasmyn: Eww, who bit the bullet on that dude?
Jasmyn: If I’m gonna do this, I’m gonna do this hot.
Emmy: I’m broken in!
Richard: Man of the Year, here I come.
Next time: jail time.