The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 308

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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In which business is done.

Got the skills to pay those bills?

Richard: No, but I know who does.

Richard: Do real people ever put the phone on the floor?

I don’t know any real people.

Richard: I don’t know any virtual people. Yet.

Gonna pick that money?

Richard: I told you already, I don’t intend to do any work.

Richard: I intend to work it!

Richard: Ooh! Ahh! Livin’ the dream!

Richard: …what’s that sound?

Everybody look what’s goin’ down.

Richard: The space exterminator is here!

Yeah, he’s here to exterminate your space.

Good, you want to make sure to get the whole set.

I thought vampires didn’t have reflections.

Richard: Okay, so maybe I’ll do a little work.

Richard: Let me know when you see some prospective employees, though.

Are you looking for child labour, or… vacationers?

Richard: Man, adulting is hard.

Richard: Aww, they cancelled my favourite show!

Fuckin’ networks, eh.

Richard: Welllll… the star did die in a car explosion.

Richard: People still play chess?

Not in your house they don’t.


Richard: Man, being old must be boring.

Some random chick outside.

Richard: She hot?

Not really.

Richard: Then she’s perfect.

Richard: No, don’t touch me! Only the clients.


Richard: Let’s just get this out of the way real quick: I’ll let you move into my house if you fuck people for money.

Tiffany: I’m not sure how quick we can get that out of the way.

Richard: If you move in you’ll become a playable.

Richard: Oh look, she came back.

Tiffany: A real playable? Like Abigail Young and William Sharpe?
Richard: Sure! Only… uglier!


Tiffany: What even is this thing?!

Richard: Hmm. What should her theme be?


Richard: All good prostitutes need a theme!

I thought the theme was “sex for money.”

Tiffany: I wonder what the record is for youngest pimp ever.

Richard: She looks Japanesey to me. This furniture also looks Japanesey to me.

So that’s her theme, then?


Tiffany: I can live with it.
Richard: But can you work with it.

Tiffany: Man, choices! Never had those before.

Richard: I’ll get you the relevant tax forms in the morning.

Tiffany: Wow, Japanesey is hottish!

Aw, look at the poor little guy, all tuckered out.

From starting his brothel.

Tiffany: He’s already got enough money to pay these bills.

I guess he’s just in it for love, then.

Tiffany: So, what made you want to take up this… business?
Richard: It’s a family firm.

Tiffany: Is there a lot of money in it?
Richard: I dunno, a dude killed my mom and all her employees before I could find out.

Emmy Hourvitz: I’m a Mormon!

Emmy: Hello little man!
Richard: I’m putting you on fat dude duty for that.

Richard: God, what is with you people?! Drugs dealers don’t do drugs, and prostitutes don’t give away affection for free!

Emmy: I’m a what now?

Emmy: Whatever, it’s better than being homeless.

Richard: She hasn’t seen the fat dudes yet.

I take it your theme was “lumberjack.”

Emmy: “Lumberjill,” actually.

You look more like a Jack to me.

Tiffany: Wash that dish when you’re done.
Emmy: I didn’t become a prostitute to do manual labour!

Tiffany: Tell me everything you know.

Emmy: So I rub this all over myself and get clean? That’s weird.

Oh no, I’ve been framed!

Tiffany: Gotta rub my vagina on everything, mark my territory.

Gnome: Go ahead, I’ve got you.

What did you change your Turn-Ons to? ‘cuz I hope “fat” was in there somewhere.

Emmy: Are you fat? ‘cuz you’re lookin’ good.

Oh, you changed them to “Sad” and “Lonely.”

Kennedy Smith: Did somebody call me?

Emmy: Wanna fuck?
Kennedy: Can I get two?

Emmy: I said fuck, not hug, perv!

Emmy: But man that’s some sexy sad and lonely you got goin’ on right there.

Emmy: I’m a lumberjill, and I’m okay.
Kennedy: You work all night…
Emmy: And probably all day, too. My rates are reasonable.

Kennedy: Climb my tree, baby.

I think that’s the symbol for when you start to like someone because it’s too dark to see how ugly they are.

Kennedy: ASS GRAB!
Emmy: At least you call your shots!

Emmy: Slow up there, tiger!
Kennedy: Slow down, you mean?
Emmy: No, slow up! As in go less slow!

Kennedy: Your ass was gross and I’m sad I touched it.

Emmy: That makes me feel better about beating you up and taking your wallet.

Kennedy: That’s my most dangerous fetish!

Dream big, baby.

Kennedy: I’d take you home with me, but I don’t have a home.

Kennedy: Are you guys hiring?
Emmy: Only kinda ugly people, sorry fuggo.

Kennedy: That’s fair.

Kennedy: I forgot to ask how much you charge.
Emmy: That’s okay, I’ll rob you blind while you sleep.

Kennedy: I never sleep.

Kennedy: Honestly this is my first day of having real biological functions.
Emmy: You too?

Emmy: What is this gross shit?!

Jasmyn Yang: Is this where the lumberjill convention’s at?

Richard: So I’m obviously not a madame, but does that make me a monsieur?

Richard: Hi! Want to have sex for me?

Jasmyn: Say that again, slowly and carefully?

Richard: STOP. WHY.


Kennedy: Noisy place.
Emmy: Business is booming!

Richard: You need to pick a new theme. May I suggest Victorian? You’re that kind of ugly, I think.

Emmy: This is gonna cost you extra.

Kennedy: Well fuck that I’m leaving.

Emmy: Let me get you a business card before you go.


Richard: Well anyway, thanks for taking my virginity.
Emmy: We’re the only virginity-disposal business in town!

Emmy: This is the part where I rifle through your backpack.

No, this is the part where this happens.

Emmy: Oh god this again.

Oh god, this again.

Richard: Geez dude, update your drivers or something.

Richard: Sheesh, slim pickings. In fact, even Slim Pickens would be better.

Richard: Okay, you’re in.
Jasmyn: I’m in what?
Richard: Just… scroll up, I don’t want to go through it again.




I usually take pics like this when I find the Sims interesting.


What the fuck.

Kennedy: Everything the fuck.

I’ve never seen a flesh unibrow before.

Richard: Thanks for your business.
Kennedy: …are you the owner’s kid?
Richard: I’m the owner, kid!


Richard: Hello, would you be interested in-
Elle: NO.

Emmy: Is he still here? His ugly face is all I can see.

Jasmyn: I don’t think I’ll miss the lumberjill theme.

Jasmyn: All things considered.

Kyle? I dunno, I don’t think you’re his type.

Emmy: What’s his type?


Emmy: No, we can’t “order in” for you! You pick from what we got.

Jasmyn: Eww, who bit the bullet on that dude?

Jasmyn: If I’m gonna do this, I’m gonna do this hot.
Emmy: I’m broken in!

Richard: Man of the Year, here I come.

Next time: jail time.

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