Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
In which talks are talked.
This is the second part of the story beginning in Chapter 306.
Jizelle: Eetz ze miracle of life!
Corey: Who asked for it?
Corey: Wow! That was a change.
Corey: Smelly babies, just what our secret agent base needed.
This is Elvis Woodrow.
William: There’s an awful lot of kissing going on for me to not be involved…
Corey: HEY BABY
Jizelle: ‘sup, baby?
Iris: Funny story: I killed Alvin’s first wife and replaced her.
Corey: That’s super funny.
Iris: Put an axe in her head and she hit the floor like a sack of wet cats. That was a pun on her name.
Iris: Her name was Kitty.
Jizelle: Don’t you worry, leetle one. We’ll bring you up wrong!
Iris: So hey, isn’t this the old Murphy house? I bet there’s mad mad science stashed around here somewhere.
Iris: pfffHAHAHA sorry, I just thought about Kitty dying again.
Joy: This is not my beautiful house.
Iris: And holy shit, Kaylynn! That cheerleader zombie! She’s died like a hundred times.
Corey: And the fat came back, the very next day!
Iris: She pissed herself once.
Iris: No idea where I heard that.
Iris: Cecilia kidnapped a kid.
Iris: And killed like fifty people.
Iris: Sullivan, even! That was a mistake. Who doesn’t like Sullivan? Besides all those babies he probably ate.
Iris: Oh, and wow, William lived here too! Our base is, like, all their base.
Iris: Apparently aliens came down once?
Iris: They don’t get used much in this story.
I’m content to let everyone else do aliens, and the Beaker family.
Especially considering the weird shit they do.
Iris: Abigail got herself turned into a kid here, I think!
Corey: Is this the three hundred chapter recap or something?
Iris: Lucas is dead!
Corey: Life is good!
Iris: I have no friends.
Iris: That kid we stole belonged to a celebrity.
Iris: Man, we have fucked up so many lives.
Iris: The ones we didn’t end, that is.
Iris: Oh wow, I’m never gonna stop laughing about that dead wife of his.
Iris: Or how Cecilia made the cheerleader disguise herself with fat.
Iris: Did I mention she pissed herself?
Iris: Well she did.
Iris: Shall I go on?
Corey: Do you have to?
Iris: Don’t you like my debriefing?
Corey: I wish you’d de-brief me.
Brandi: That doesn’t work!
Corey: Okay, so, our next big plan involves a jailbreak.
Brandi: Ooh! Can I not come?
Jizelle: Zeez uzed to be my chaptairs.
Iris: Are you serious? That new jail is gonna have crazy security!
Corey: And they’re gonna be crazy insecure when we’re done with them!
William: Curse you, fate! Don’t hand me a cheerleader when I’m in the middle of an investigation!
Brandi: Oh is it the half-time break now?
Brandi: BOO SPORTS
Honestly, the more evil and bizarre characters I get, the more interested I am in what their children might be like.
Iris: So are you gonna do something about William?
Corey: I’m waiting for him to piss himself out there, at least.
Iris: Man, is there anything worse than stealing someone’s kid and raising them?
Brandi: Talking about it over and over?
Iris: One crazy bitch kills me, and my daughter spends the rest of her life killing other people in revenge. What more could a mother ask for?
Iris: Sullivan knows too much. Luckily he’s also too evil to care.
Iris: I don’t know what Cecilia’s ultimate goal is, but I know she can manage it. I mean there was this one time she killed her entire university. And graduated Magna Cum Laude! It’s hard to balance work and pleasure like that.
Corey: Yeah, she scares me a little. And by a little I mean I pee when I think about her.
Iris: Are you mad that ENTROPY blew up the courthouse when you were in it? ‘cuz that would make me kinda mad.
Iris: If my boss let me blow up.
Iris: Nearly blew me to pieces, like.
Iris: He compartmentalizes well.
Meanwhile Brandi whatever.
Brandi: Thanks for checking in!
Iris: I hope Cecilia’s plan involves me not getting killed again.
Corey: I’m cool with whatever as long as there’s more sex involved.
Iris: Gen 1 townies represent!
Brandi: Hell yeah!
Corey: Hello Director Brown. It’s good to hear from you! No, I didn’t look out the window last night, why?
Corey: Brandi Bertino? Hahaha, that’s silly! She’s dead!
Corey: Well congratulations then, you made out with a ghost! You’d better not tell anyone.
Jizelle: Renée? I’m going to flowchart our evil plots. Can you help?
Someone might spot you on that balcony.
Iris: And then there’ll be years of speculation, because how was I spotted on that dude’s balcony when I supposedly disappeared?
oh god no
We didn’t make any Bella Goth references before this.
It was going so well.
We need a new plot twist to cleanse the palate.
Poppy: Hey guy.
William: Ask if I can use their washroom.
Jizelle: ‘ello, one and all! Welcome to Jizzy’s House of Revelations!
William: It’s about to be Jizzy’s House of William’s Pee if you don’t get out of my way!
William: My suit and pants are coated in a non-stick, kung fu-repellent chemical.
Jizelle: Zat iz unfortunate! But awezome.
Jizelle: Ziz iz unfortunate and terrible.
Iris: How long was he wandering around out there?
Jizelle: Several chaptairs.
Iris: That doesn’t help, that could be hours or years!
Jizelle: Do you zink he will be okay?
Iris: I mean, yeah, up until the point when Cecilia kills him, probably.
Corey: Aww, did he piss himself? Did he piss himself and I missed it?!
Corey: Hello there, I’m Corey Huffman. Who do you think you are?
Poppy: I think I’m Poppy! But I’m not at all certain.
Corey: Well, I happen to be a secret agent, and I’m really good at figuring people out.
Poppy: I should warn you, the last time someone tried to figure me out, my sister killed them with an axe.
Poppy: Then again I think she just blew up, so.
Corey: Your family sounds interesting.
Poppy: Oh yeah, totally! Interesting and awful.
Iris: So yeah, Daisy is Cecilia. William’s sister.
Jizelle: Okay but wait. Wait, but… wait.
Poppy: So how do we proceed?
Corey: Tell me everything you know about yourself. And please leave out anything about Lucas dying or Abigail being kidnapped by aliens, this chapter has been nothing but filler so far.
Poppy: Okay well I know my name is Poppy and I know that I’m a lesbian except when I’m straight and right now I’m bi and I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to fluctuate that badly.
Corey: Is that your natural face?
Poppy: Feel it and see.
Corey: We’ll make out later. First let’s figure out who you are.
Poppy: Will you still want to make out if you find out I’m awful?
Corey: Honestly? I’ll want it more.
Corey: I’m awful too.
Iris: Yeah, it’s kinda like getting hit by a bus. But sexier. Nine inches! I’m not kidding.
Poppy: Okay, well, here’s the thing. I think Daisy erased my memories. And I think she’s not really Daisy. And I think our mom isn’t really our mom. Maybe she’s her mom, though. I dunno. It’s complicated and I hate it.
Corey: So you think you’re part of some grand evil scheme?
Poppy: Why are you laughing?
Corey: I find grand evil schemes really entertaining, is all.
Poppy: Well let’s start with William. I think I know him. I think I know him really well.
Corey: Did you have sex with him?
Poppy: No, why?
Corey: Because that would have been really unfortunate, which would have been really funny.
Poppy: Daisy got turned into a zombie once, and it made her really mad.
Corey: What a loser!
Poppy: I got the impression she really hated zombies. Like she was a professional zombie-hater or something.
Poppy: I have these vague memories of a cheerleader? I think I went to university with her. Before Daisy wiped my memories. God this is ridiculous.
Poppy: Whenever I try to talk about this stuff with my husband he gets all freaked out. I guess he’s scared of Daisy and her axes? What a wuss.
Poppy: We’ve had a complicated relationship.
Corey: There are more interesting things I could be doing right now, you know.
Poppy: Okay okay sorry. Um… I remember getting in a fight with my boyfriend before I died. Oh! I died! And then Daisy brought me back. Why would she do that?
Poppy: I REMEMBER WILLIAM FUCKED THE ENTIRE UNIVERSITY
Corey: And then Cecilia killed it!
Poppy: Man, to be a part of that family!
William: mmmf… oh baby… oh baby your husband’s gonna be so mad… hahaha…
William: OH COME ON
William: I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS
William: I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS EITHER
William: MAKE SENSE
Iris: Do you do parties?
Iris: Ew! Why?
Next time: the prostitutes return!
Iris: Ew! Why?