The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 306

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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Newheart, Nouveaux, and other related newness.


Wait, who are you married to?

Renée: Don, of course!

Okay, well, first of all, that was when you were Kaylynn, and second of all, you have both died since then.

Renée: We had seriously airtight vows.

Flamingo: Get your shit together, dude.

Right. Sorry.

Just in case you’re wondering whether putting a little work into your neighbourhood is worth it.

The not worth living life should go undocumented. I think that’s how the saying goes.

No. You’re in jail.

Yvonne: Aw, stupid jail!

It’s better than some people’s theoretical liberty.

Renée: Please be my friend.

Renée: WHO NEEDS FRIENDS

Jewel: You?

Jewel: But Jewel needs poops.

Renée: I just realized one of these things spoke earlier.

Renée: BIG SISTER IS WATCHING, BITCHES

Renée: Did you come to help me with my chapter?
Jewel: No, I came to take a shit.

Jewel: Also hahaha she thinks this is her chapter.

Renée: I don’t need to take this kind of shit from a D-list character. I’m a C-list character!

Hmm…

Yeah, let’s go outside where I can’t see anything, that’ll raise your profile.

Good for you, start a club.

Renée: Us minor characters gotta stick together. Physically.

Jewel: You’re weird and I’m leaving.

Renée: So about how I’ve been asking for a child for fifty years.

Renée: Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Renée: At least I got some booty sleep.

Renée: Can I pencil you in for the next episode?

Stephen: My pencil and I are early, can we come in anyway?

William: So your house has a radioactive people-repeller that is accidentally impelling people.
Jizelle: Zat eez a dezent zummary of ze last japter, whee.
William: Your fake French accent is starting to rot, lady.

William: Ah, this room brings back memories. Of fucking mad scientists.

Corey: The best part of being an evil secret agent is the lack of an ethics code.

William: Hey! No seductions before explanations!

Jizelle: Pardon eh ma, man sewer! I was jhust being friendly!

Jizelle: What zhay you and I geet a leetle more comfortable? Comfortabluh. Whatehver.
William: Not until you sort your pronounciation out.

Jizelle: IF I WANT TO BE FRENCH I’M GONNA BE FRENCH ALRIGHT

William: No, NOT alright! I’m ninety-percent certain this is a secret ENTROPY base, and I’m not fucking any evil secret agents before I’m sure there aren’t any other evil secret agents I might need to kill first!

Jizelle: You forgot marry.

Jizelle: Penny in my thoughts.

Jizelle: Penny zaw zomeone die.
William: Well, I mean, you live here long enough, and eventually…

Jizelle: Penny zaw a zombie weezard die.

William: That sounds so cool.

You do know you’re on the SCIA’s Most Wanted list, right?

Brandi: Corey dealt with that.

Did he also deal with William?

Brandi: That’s Phase Two.

William: I’m coming back with a posse. Bye!
Jizelle: Bring artillery!

Jizelle: I zink zat went well.

Corey: You got him to leave!
Jizelle: ‘eez coming back.
Corey: Yeah, but by then the fucked-up radiation beacon will have fucked him up!
Jizelle: Ziz storyline iz confusé.

Corey: HAUURK. And the radiation poisoning’s not great, either.

Jizelle: Renée! ‘ow goot to ‘ear your voice! Not very goot, actually.

Jizelle: Oh, whee? You want to have a baybay? I bet Corey could zteal one for you.

Corey: I ALREADY KILLED A MAILMAN

Roger: So… Double Jeopardy, then?

Corey: Sorry, no. Just double dead mailmen, I’m afraid.

Catalina Ying: Exercise keeps you healthy!

Hold that thought.

Catalina: …man, suddenly I feel like I need suntan lotion. In my lungs.

Between that and the lead poisoning this isn’t a great place to be right now.

Catalina: Hey mister your house is dangerous.
Corey: You have no idea.

Corey: Hey! That was my one-liner! Get back here.

Corey: Fuckin’ townies, got no sense of drama.

Renée: Someone setting off firecrackers over there?

Catalina: NOOOOO I WAS JUST INTRODUUUUUCED

Corey: I thought Brandi fixed the beacon.

Turns out your lot is just bugged.

Corey: Oh great.

Corey: Maybe I should, like… set you up in one of the extra bedrooms.

Jizelle: Zo you are working wiz Daizy, and I am working wiz Corey. But are Daizy and Corey working wiz Corey and Daizy?
Renée: Don’t try to understand it, just go along for the ride.

Corey: Anyone who goes along with this ride is getting shot.

Jizelle: Oh bois, he’z gone to work! Now Jizelle iz on strangair-keeling detail.

That might get complicated.

Iris: I am not looking forward to this.

What are you even doing here?

Iris: Daisy’s dead. Fake French superhero and evil James Bond are my designated safe-house.

Is Daisy dead, though.

Iris: Don’t spoil the reveal.

Iris: -is easily distracted-

Jizelle: ‘ou are you?
Iris: Not who I say I am. Just like you!

Jizelle: Welcome to our ‘ouse, strange lady!
Iris: You’re not as awful as Daisy said you’d be.

Jizelle: WRONG

Iris: who what

Iris: why

Jizelle: Bam! Right in ze baby.

Jizelle: Oh god I punched a baby.

Jizelle: It zeemed like a goot idea at ze time.

HOW.

HOW DID IT SEEM LIKE A GOOD IDEA.

Jizelle: Don’t blame me, blame ze time.

Jizelle: Luckily zere is a cure for guilt.

Jizelle: ‘ello again Renée. Question. ‘ave you ever stored a pregnant fee before?
Renée: Well first of all it’s pronounced fille, you need the faintest ghost of an “l’ in there. And second of all what.

Renée: Did you kidnap someone, Jizelle?
Jizelle: …what eef I deed.

Renée: You could try seducing her.

Renée: Alright, alright, calm down, it was just an idea.

Jizelle: Waz it even, zough?

William: Sure am lovin’ this storyline.

William: Been a lot of fun bein’ me lately.

William: Hey, it’s that guy! How’s it goin’, that guy.

Corey: I bet I could afford that cheerleader now.

Keith Brown: Thanks for the carpool, sweet tits! I’d have driven you myself but I don’t have a car, because I don’t have a house, because I’m not a real person.
Brandi: You’re welcome. Mister Director.

Iris: What kind of a low-rent kidnapping is this?

Brandi: So, how come they brought in somebody from outside the department to replace William?
Keith: Turns out your entire department sucks.

Brandi: Running the whole SCIA must be tough. I bet you could use some help.
Keith: Bribe me with sex! That’ll work.

Jizelle: I jhust don’t know aneemore, Renée. Zecret ajents and car bombs and pregnant ladeez, it’z all jhust so hodgypodgy.

Corey: I see you met the welcome wagon.

Corey: Wow. Wow. You should design all our fake faces, lady!

Corey: I’m sorry about the mix-up. My French poodle is trained to attack strangers, and I didn’t know you’d be coming in from the cold today.

Corey: But then again I didn’t know your daughter was gonna get herself blown up.

Corey: Or did she blow herself up? You conniving A-listers are hard to read sometimes.

Iris: I think she’s probably fine. I’m basing that on the fact that she’s an evil megalomaniac.

Iris: Momma’s little girl, am I right?

Corey: So, welcome to TAUTOLOGY.
Iris: Another evil organization of evil?
Corey: We’re more of a neutral organization of neutrality.

Keith: See, this is why they don’t promote internally.

Brandi: I hear you’re an incorruptible, brilliant, genius administrator.
Keith: True, true. Though you should try corrupting me anyway.

Brandi: Boy, I wouldn’t want to be you, having to fire everyone at the SCIA.
Keith: What?
Brandi: For being traitors and murderers? Obviously a beautiful mind like yours has sensed the overwhelming public mistrust and resentment towards the Centreborough office.
Keith: Suddenly it is obvious, yeah!

Iris: So you’ve got William wandering around the hill in a daze, and Brandi seducing the SCIA chief. Anything else juicy going on?
Corey: I’m macking on Daisy’s mom. Does that count?

Iris: Daisy’s mom has got something else going on.

Iris: Ugh. More little Alvins. Just what the world needs.

William: I’m almost certain that’s a convicted felon.

Corey: I should warn you, I’m not the forgiving sort.
Iris: I’ll remember to ask permission first, then.

Keith: Oh, good, You’re trying to compromise my ethics. Finally.

Keith: Or are you trying to get me run over?

Iris: So why did you make a new secret agency?
Corey: Because the old one reports to William.
Iris: What are you gonna do about the old one, then?
Corey: Kill it? Oh, and kill William, too. Eventually.

Iris: If you kill William, my daughter’s gonna kill you. Probably a bunch.

Brandi: I don’t like kissing fingers.

Corey: Obviously Daisy – can we go back to calling her Cecilia now? Obviously Cecilia’s gonna be the one to actually kill William. We’re just enacting her master plan to fuck up his life before that happens.
Iris: I’m still not too clear on that plan. It’s some weird Game of Thrones shit.

Corey: Well she’s installed sleeper agents around the neighbourhood. One of the original apocalypse zombies. Jizelle. You, I guess.
Iris: Until I had to uninstall myself, yeah.

Corey: She hasn’t told me the whole plan either, just that one day, everyone in the neighbourhood is going to get out of bed, and all their lives will change forever. Which probably doesn’t mean they’ll die, because death is never forever around here.

Brandi: So do we have an understanding, Mister Director?
Keith: Call me Mister Director Keith.

Brandi: Thank you for letting me manipulate you.
Keith: I hope there will be many more manipulations to come!

Keith: Hahaha manipulations to come do you get it.
Brandi: Shut up and kiss me and shut up.

Brandi: God, you.

Corey: I’m not sure why blowing herself up was part of the plan. That was a bit of a departure.
Iris: She’s a smart girl. Most of us never notice the opportunity to blow ourselves up when it comes around, and we let it just slip away.

William: Are we done the exposition and recap yet? Can I kill someone now?

William: Can I kill everyone now?

Iris: We’ve got our orders. We just need to work on them while we wait for her to resurface.
Corey: I’m thinking she’ll resurface like that big fish in Jurassic World.
Iris: The mosasaur, you mean? What kind of a dude doesn’t know dinosaur names.

Keith: I love unequal power relations! They’re the basis of all good unequal power relationships.

Iris: OHHHHHHHHHHHH SHIT

Next time: things really start progressing!

And then they stop, and the new year begins, and you have to wait another month.

Hahaha! Sucks to be you.

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