Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
In which intra-marital affairs finally go extinct.
Chelsea: I hope you weren’t hoping for plot today.
Chelsea: …I think I might be carrying Bigfoot babies.
You just promised me no plot!
Chelsea: These kids are impossible.
Of course they are.
They’re William and Cameron’s.
You should put them down before it’s too late.
Emma: Tell them what they want to hear.
Chelsea: Nobody wants to hear what I’m about to tell.
Chelsea: To the toilet.
Chelsea: I’d better get some sex in before I get fat.
And then she puked on the baby.
How did you get so fit?
Chelsea: With my bearfriend.
Hey, an establishing shot, and it’s not even someone’s birthday.
Aw, come on. I could have framed that perfectly with just a little more effort.
Amin: REAL GOLD FLOORS Y’ALL
Amin: Behave while I’m at work?
Chelsea: I’ll get up to some behaviour, sure.
Chelsea: .oO(Mating behaviour.)
Chelsea: Wanna fuck?
Bree: Could you not.
You know he’s not human because he wants to go to work.
Michael: Oh yeah baby, that’s the money shot!
Chelsea: Some people don’t like me!
Michael: They haven’t seen you naked, I presume?
Chelsea: Lucas is dead.
Michael: Never gets old!
Chelsea: Shit, I’d better put some clothes on.
Michael: You’d better not!
Chelsea: Around here you have to earn nudity, mister.
Chelsea: It’s not a hard job, though.
Michael: I dunno, feels pretty hard from where I’m standing.
Chelsea: Oh yeah? Show me.
Chelsea: Why’d you put me down?
Michael: You were getting heavier rapidly.
Chelsea: Oh FUCK.
Michael: Looks like you already did.
Chelsea: If you back out now I’m keeping your ass.
Michael: I’m feeling your boob.
Chelsea: Good man!
Bree: Is he, though?
Michael: Where you goin’, baby?
Chelsea: For a baby shower. You can come.
Michael: I’m definitely going to!
Chelsea: Tell your friends!
Chelsea: OHHHHHHH TELL ALLLLLL YOUR FRIENDS
Chelsea: Seriously do it.
He’s back from work;
Today he drove;
His wife’s a bitch;
He won a stove.
Michael: I just heard the door open.
Chelsea: So stick ‘er in!
Michael: …you think “door” is a euphemism for “vagina”?
Chelsea: I’m a Romance Sim. I think everything is a euphemism for everything.
Chelsea: Anyway stick ‘er in already.
Amin: I have cyclotronned the superjuice!
Michael: You deserve a blowpromotion.
Chelsea: I’m already the CEO of blow.
Michael: This is just barely worth the mortal peril it puts me in.
He’s going to do some financial consulting.
Hopefully video conferencing isn’t involved.
I don’t know if I’d take 401k advice from a bigfoot in a bowler.
Michael: …how is the shower going if neither of us are actually interacting with it?
Chelsea is also complicated.
Chelsea: I’ll distract the monkey so you can sneak out.
Amin: Were you alone in there?
Chelsea: There’s my big ol’ fuckmuffin!
Amin: You just taught the kids a new word.
Amin: I might as well fuck your muffin now that the damage is done.
Amin: Hey, you’re fat now.
Chelsea: It’s genetics. Specifically yours and mine combined.
Michael: I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING FOR SOME REASON
And then he soaked his leg.
Michael: I HAVE A VERY STRANGE UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT CONSTITUTES BETRAYAL
Michael: I’m gonna leave before someone asks me to justify my wrath.
Chelsea: I’d explain what just happened, but luckily it won’t have triggered your jealousy code.
Chelsea: It’s a good life when you know how to game the system.
Chelsea: How do you know, though?!
Amin: That man just ran in and implied you’d had an affair with him!
Chelsea: But that’s not supposed to tip you off! PLAY BY THE RULES MAN!
Amin: I’m not some fucking robot, Chelsea!
Chelsea: We’re ALL some fucking robots, Amin!
Amin: Well beep boop bleep fuck you, then.
Chelsea: What just happened?
I have no idea. It doesn’t make any sense.
Chelsea: I blame your eighteen-gigabyte downloads folder, personally.
Hey! It was only like sixteen gigabytes at this point.
Chelsea: I can’t live with a man who spots cheating that easily.
Amin: But I love you now somehow!
Chelsea: GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER
Chelsea: And get it OUT OF MY HOUSE.
Chelsea: Take your stove and GIT.
Amin: I thought you’d like that stove.
NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE
Yeah, empty your… pockets… before you go.
This is how Bree dies.
Amin: I’m gonna naked ass your chair before I go.
Chelsea: Let me teach you how not to get stomped by bigfoots, kid.
Amin: Fuck you.
Michael: Fuck you!
Amin: Fuck… Chelsea.
Michael: Yeah, fuck her, definitely.
Bree: So many handholds!
Kick her in the tits.
Chelsea: Hey man, good news! Got the house all to myself now.
SHE WASN’T CALLING YOU
Chelsea: Are you stealing my house?
Michael: Why am I doing this.
Chelsea: Has everyone but me lost their mind?
I saw how you reacted to the breakup. You’re not immune.
Oliver: Hey, look who got old and fat!
Chelsea: And horny.
Oliver: Did you miss me while I was dead?
Chelsea: Honestly I called you the moment I remembered you.
Chelsea: Your dad’s a jerk.
Mine isn’t. Happy Father’s Day, dad!
Except I hope he never reads this story.
That would be weird.
Oliver: Hahaha your house smells like dog sex.
Oliver: And you smell like all sex.
Chelsea: I’m a collector!
Oliver: This is weird.
Chelsea: Because you died and I got older, or because you died and I got pregnant?
Oliver: Because a girl likes me, actually.
Oliver: What’re you doing?
Chelsea: Adjusting to taste.
Oliver: Tastes goooood.
Chelsea: I am way too hot to be wasted on breeding.
Chelsea: Will you be my live-in sex butler?
Oliver: Did someone send you a telescope bomb?
Chelsea: HELLO FIRE DEPARTMENT? IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW
Oliver: Oh, the rain put it out.
Good thing nobody panicked.
Chelsea: You can’t fine me! I’M on fire!
Oliver: No arguments here.
Oliver: I think your water pressure is a bit too strong.
Chelsea: Hahaha what is this tiny thing.
Chelsea: I’mma call you Oscar Mayer.
Chelsea: Seriously where’s the real dick.
Oliver: I think you’re the real dick.
Oliver: At least you’re a big one.
Chelsea: I hope you like diapers, bud.
Chelsea: Maybe I should like diapers!
Chelsea changes her Aspiration to Great Grey Brick.
Chelsea: It’s so hot, the way he mashes his dick into the counter like that!
Chelsea: I will pay you in sex if you raise these kids that aren’t yours.
Oliver: This is that weird cuckold fantasy I’ve been hearing about on the internet, isn’t it.
Chelsea: I fucked your brother.
Oliver: That’s five other people.
Chelsea: I fucked him when he was already married.
Oliver: Oh, that brother.
Chelsea: I fucked him when he was married to my sister.
Oliver: You’re terrible.
Oliver: And fuckable.
Chelsea: I’m fuckable!
Oliver: Yes, that’s my face, what of it.
Chelsea: I’m pimp-handing you, bitch.
Chelsea: Now make with the makin’ it.
Chelsea: So strong!
Oliver: The Little Erection That Could.
Chelsea: I hope the neighbours are taking notes.
Chelsea: OHHHH TAKE NOTES EVERYBODY
Elle: Your neighbours threw up.
Chelsea: It’s been a weird life, Ollie.
Oliver: With a few weird deaths mixed in, yeah.
Chelsea: MY KNEES ARE SINKING THROUGH THE FLOOR
Is that good?
Chelsea: IT’S WEIRD
Chelsea: …I think it may be possible to have enough sex in one day.
Oliver: I’ll meet you there.
Michael: Didn’t my telescope bomb go off?!
Oliver: So wait. I have to take care of baby WilliamCamerons AND baby ChelseaBigfoots?
Chelsea: Won’t it be fun?!
Oliver: This is hell, isn’t it.
Next time: no plot, and then suddenly, LOTS of plot!
It’s plotted unevenly.