The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 303

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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Celebrity Date Night continues.


William: Was that chick really your sister?
Vicki: I didn’t think I had any sisters, but at least Valerie actually looks like me.

William: I guess I must have had sex with her at some point.
Vicki: This new chick, or Valerie?
William: Oh, I definitely had sex with Valerie.

Vicki: I like an honest man.
William: My public displays of erection are too frequent to deny.

William: You’re not mad I banged your sister?
Vicki: I’ll only be mad if you only bang my sister.

William: Hahaha as if.

William: Man it would suck if every public place in the county had one of my ex-girlfriends in it.

Vicki: I’m tensing my facial muscles in anticipation.

William: Lean on me, I’ll absorb the impact.

Sunny: BITCH!
Vicki: So?

Kenya: Does this look like a job for Captain Hero?

William: Aw, Sunny! I didn’t know you cared.

William: I also didn’t know you had facial expressions.

Ocean: THIS IS SO METAL

William: We haven’t been dating for decades.
Sunny: Oh like that’s an excuse.

Vicki: I’m beginning to see the downside of dating the town bicycle.

♪ Can you feel the love tonight ♪

Ocean: Check out this fucking pie plate pantheist over here!

Vicki: I feel sorry for that guy.
William: I feel sorry for all guys who aren’t me.

♪ And all the kids at school, they were wishin’ they were me that night ♪

Michael: Confirmed.

Gerard: What’s your kryptonite?

Vicki: It’s not weird that I was a serial killer?
William: No.
Vicki: It’s not weird that I was married to your da-
William: NEVER MENTION THAT.

What ever happened to Joshua, anyway?

Oh, yeah!

Hahahaha.

Joshua:

Vicki: I think we should leave before someone else slaps you.
Corey: Can we take a vote on that? And can we vote by slapping him?

Vicki: I sure do feel safer seeing the boys in blue in action.

Corey: Thank god for redheads.

Hey, you’re welcome.

♪ I’m reaching out for something, touching nothing’s all I ever do ♪

♪ I softly call you over, when you appear there’s nothing left of you ♪

William: Aha.

Vicki: I hate that song.

Mallory: Has anyone ever told you that you’re mostly alright?

William: I wonder what the kids were up to while we were gone.
Vicki: Time was frozen.
William: Have you no magic in your soul?

Vicki: I’ve been wondering if I have a soul at all.

I’ve seen the files, you don’t.

None of you do.

Nick: That’s good, because I plan to do some really soul-deadening things with my life.

Mallory: I don’t know if that was meant to sound sexy but it didn’t.

William: Don’t mind me.
Nick: Don’t mind if I don’t!

William: Fuckin nobodies slappin’ me ragafraga

Measuring his back?

Mallory: It’s always good to know what size stab your significant other is.
Nick: I’m significant!

Vicki: Failing that you might want to know how to stab his ex-girlfriends.
William: I already shot most of mine, though.

Vicki: Count yourself lucky, you never had to try and shoot me.
William: I think I know who wins when it’s throwing axe versus machine gun.
Vicki: Let’s hope you never have to test that guess.

Mallory: So you just sort of… make fists and wobble!
Nick: Why?

Coincidentally, “Make Fists and Wobble” is the second studio album by CrotchFire.

William: We’re at that point in our lives when we need to start asking the important questions.
Vicki: Like?
William: Doggystle or scissors?

Vicki: Aww, look, you got him all excited.

William: My head is full of blackness.

Nick: Dead people!
Mallory: Suck.

Vicki: Suck it is!

Nick: Did you know that Penny is the only surviving Gen 2 move-in?

What about Michael?

Nick: He’s a Fortune Sim, they’re dead inside to begin with.

What about Jerome?

Nick: Life begins at six inches, buddy.

Nick: And let’s just say my life is longer than that.

Nick: I can’t prove it but I don’t think I’m actually related to that woman over there.

Vicki: So, can you…?

Yeah.

William: God wants us to have sex.

At the very least I don’t want you to have sex involving a dog.

William: I think he’s probably still gonna watch.
Chief: .oO(I wanna see what my style is supposed to be!)

William: Still mad about Sunny?
Vicki: Why did she slap ME?
William: Because she knows that axes are slower than bullets. And also you were less likely than me to be concealed carrying.

William: Because axes are big.
Vicki: Your gun is pretty big, too.
William: Baby don’t you know it!

Chief: .oO(This can’t be my style! Dogs are digitigrade!

William: I mostly promise not to snap the lid shut on you.

Vicki: Are you asking me to marry you?!
William: Yes!
Vicki: That’s my line!

William: Are you agreeing to marry me?
Vicki: YES!
William: That’s gonna be your line all night long, baby.

Vicki: This reminds me of when your dad propo-
William: STOP STOP IT STOP

I like to keep all of my most dangerous things together in one place.

Vicki: Do you think I’m dangerous?
William: Feel my heart rate, and then you tell me.

William: There’s something vaguely unsavoury about the prospect of making my brother be my son-in-law, though.

William: But! I can be convinced.

Vicki: Let’s make famous babies.

Mallory: I’m here for the money. You?
Valerie: Oh, totally.

William: What’s the thread count on these sheets?
Vicki: I only know the poly count, and it’s not high.

Vicki: Back in my day we didn’t have these fancy sex scenes.
William: Back in your day, days were only ten pics long.

William: Also you were busy doing… other things.

Vicki: Is that going to be an issue for you? You know I was being mind-controlled.
William: If you’re being mind-controlled now, my compliments to the controller!

aistcecheatnd’s’h:isesrittiltmtwaia

Vicki: Are you having a seizure back there? If so, don’t stop.

Nick: Wow, what a great shoulder!
Mallory: Right?

Vicki: I can see why your exes are so touchy about losing you.
William: “See”?
Vicki: Okay, alright, feel.

Nick: Why turn boobs? Show boobs again.

Nick: Boobs!

Right?

WRONG

The fuck are you doing?

Chief: .oO(That’s what I was gonna ask. Until I remembered I can’t speak.)

WHUMPAWHUMPAWHUMPA

Valerie: I’m putting high-friction carpet in her room tomorrow.

Hey Chief.

Chief: .oO(I’m in stealth mode.)

Vicki: Now let’s jump up and down on the bed until Valerie starts screaming.

William: I dunno, that chick can scream pretty loud.
Vicki: Don’t press your luck, casanova.

Vicki: I can’t believe I had sex with my son’s brother.
William: I can’t believe I had sex with my brother’s mom!

I can’t believe none of it is as bad as it sounds.

Mallory: It sounds like they were having a lot of fun.
Nick: Wanna try it and find out?
Mallory: Nah. I’m sure he’d accommodate me, but then you’d get all jealous.

Vicki: Do you think Neil’s ghost might be watching?
William: And jerking off, if I know dad!

Vicki: That’s not a romantic thing to say!
William: Right, because bringing up my dad was really setting the mood.

Vicki: Your dad was a very attractive man!
William: I’m gonna talk to your tits, they haven’t mentioned him once.

William: So what’s with the whole Gothic theme?
Vicki: Do you like it?
William: Yeah, that’s what “what’s with” queries usually imply.

Nick: Wow, any size knife would do!
Mallory: The backstabbing thing was just a joke, Nick.
Nick: Well maybe you haven’t heard, but my family takes edged weapons very seriously.

William: I saw your kid macking on some townie chick downstairs.
Vicki: You do know that I used to be “some townie chick,” right?
William: Oh, you think she might be a serial killer too?

She’s clearly a serial breath-holder, at least.

Vicki: How about we go for an old-fashioned hay-roll?
William: Hay hay hay!

Vicki: That wasn’t funny.

William: I’m sorry, there isn’t much blood flow to my brain right now.

Vicki: You are a goddamn SEX WIZARD.
William: I’ve been known to set a spell or two.

Vicki: That was almost funny. Your erection must be subsiding.

William: God I hope so, I’m about to pass out.

Vicki: I’m happy we’re together, William.
William: I, too, am a fan of togetherness.
Vicki: Does everything have to be a sex reference with you?
William: No, it’s a conscious choice.

Chief: .oO(Toss him in. You know it’s right.)

Vicki: You’re still here?
William: The engagement ring was too subtle, was it?

Vicki: I assumed it was a fake.

Nick: Quick, the pervert’s here, hide your face! On my face!

Mallory: I wish that was the least romantic thing that’s happened to me recently.

Mallory: Remind me to tell you what zombie spit tastes like some time.

Duck down a bit if you don’t want to know what blood tastes like.

Angelica: Oh, Nick! My precious soul-mate!

Nick: Okay, Mal, let’s see you beat her offer.

Mallory: I live with Angelica. I can steal anything she owns and give it to you.

Nick: Let’s keep in touch.

Weird, it’s almost like I don’t want you leaving the house!

Samantha: And yet you make the house the way the house is.

Mallory: You’re taking care of your sister?
Nick: She’s half mom and half William. Do you have any idea how dangerous she’ll grow up to be?

tcineraee’dcthaismtihsslaiiwta:ts’t

William: My subconscious needs better reception.

Vicki: Did you spit in my eye?
William: Nah, I blew on it.

Ah, the teen years.

So much fun for the teen!

Not so much for the rest of us.

Alright, scratch that. Apparently this is just Makeouts Haus.

William: I’ll be sure to get all my makeouts here!
Vicki: You’d fucking better.

Nick: Hey bro!
William: If I have to choose between you hating me and you calling me “bro,” prepare for a beatdown.

Vicki: Why did you need to get dressed in the kitchen?
William: It was the only room without teens, toddlers or dogs in it.

You guys keep insisting this happened.

I’m not buying it.

It’s so nice of you to stop by and feed the dog.

Mallory: Hey there governor, looking Sharpe!
Nick: That’s a joke! My girl’s clever.

Mallory: I’m your girl?

William: Thanks for farting up my flowers, Chief.

Vicki: How do I even eat this?

William: GET A JOB

Nick: I love making adults angry.

Nick: And being a shitty boyfriend.

Vicki: ♪ They’re creepy and they’re kooky ♪

Samantha: ♪ Mysterious and spooky ♪

♪ They’re altogether ooky ♪

♪ These fucking people ♪

I think that’s how it goes.

Vicki: Dunh dunh dunh dunh!
Samantha: -snaps fingers-

Vicki: Preserving folk traditions is important.

So is pooping.

Vicki: Sticking your arm through your own torso is crazy.

Valerie: -also lives in this house-

Next time: more dissolute people find each other.

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