The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 302

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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I liked writing this chapter.

That doesn’t always happen.

See: the previous chapter.

Or don’t.

What a chore.

Nick: You don’t know from chores, dude.

Nerissa: Go, pathetic creature! Be with your own kind!

Vicki: I’m back!
Valerie: Why?
Vicki: …because they found me not guilty?
Valerie: Why?

Vicki: Thanks for taking care of the place for me.
Valerie: Oh, that’s alright, I’ve come to think of it as my place.
Vicki: That’s nice.
Valerie: It is! So, where are you gonna live now?

Nick: It’s good to have you home, mom.
Vicki: Did you miss me?
Nick: I’m a teenager. Of course I didn’t miss you.

Vicki: Okay, go away now, you’re barely a character.

Vicki: Why do we have a dog now.

It’s Penny’s dog.

Vicki: So why is it here?

I don’t remember.

They’re really glad to see each other.

Valerie: Calling a real estate agent? To find a new place? Because this is my place now?

Vicki: Hey man, can you come over and make my stupid sister jealous?

Valerie: He can’t make me jealous if he’s flat!

Vicki: ‘ello guv’nor!
William: Joke’s been done.
Vicki: I was in jail, how should I know?

William: I’m glad you’re free, you’re too hot for jail.

Vicki: Finally, an advantage to being pretty!

Vicki: The joke is-
William: I get it.
Vicki: Pretty people-
William: I get it.

Vicki: Oh, you’re gettin’ it alright.

William: I thought nannies are supposed to be desirable.

You’ve been watching too much porn.

William: Like that’s possible.

Speaking of not possible.

Grugly Prime: The game is coded to make only the least likely Sims walk past.

The game is an asshole.

Samantha: I talk, I poop, what more could I want?

Samantha: Knuckle sandwich!

Chief: .oO(I made more lemonade!)

Are you trying to make her explode?

Lauren Pratt: Yes.

How refreshingly honest.

Lauren: I want all of these creatures dead.

I have moments like that myself.

It’s a good thing TS2 doesn’t have the old SimCity disaster menu.

Disasters are more gradual here.

William: Hey there br-

William: Okay! Wow! Welcome to the family!

Nick: What’s that supposed to mean?
William: Your mom was married to my dad. You’re my brother.

Nick: My brother is a gross old person?

Nick: I need hot chicks to take my mind off that.

Nick: Hey, is this Brooke? Hi! Ugh. No, sorry, I wasn’t ughing you, I was ughing the poop in my nanny’s hands. That came out wrong. So very, very wrong.

Nick: Let’s start over. I’m wealthy!

Nannies basically just cycle between harassing children and harassing pets.

Lauren: You forgot to put the roof up.

And harassing me.

Nick: I’m auditioning for girlfriends. Did you know I have main character genes? I just found out recently myself!

Nick: I have to distribute them carefully, there’s a lot of unworthy receptacles in this town.

Nick: …yes, my mom’s that notorious serial killer.


Having successfully put pegs into holes for several straight days, she is now 35% more intelligent, will win most chess games, and is naturally adept at cash registering.

I’m not even kidding.

Nick: That chick was mean.

You don’t really want to date a former paper delivery person anyway.

Nick: Yeah, apparently all that qualifies you for is apocalypse-starting anyway.

Nick: Hot chicks, round two!

Nick: All I know about you is that your shirt is pink.

Nick: So congratulations on that!

Nick: Don’t tell me about your boyfriend, I don’t care.

Nick: You need a second boyfriend! Or rather you need to make your first boyfriend your second boyfriend.

Nick: The fuck you want, bitch? No, not you, the old lady giving me the stink-eye. I don’t care what you want.


Lauren: Such a nice boy.
Nick: Want to join my quest for world domination?

How was work?

Vicki: They let me have my old job!

Um… but you were an accused serial killer. And dead. For decades.

Vicki: Yeah, but I’m not a pedophile or a rapist, and that’s a record few other coaches can match!

I’m really annoyed that I looked at this dude just now and thought “I think his name is Peter” and then looked it up and HIS NAME IS PETER.

I don’t want that kind of information taking up space in my head!

While I’m already in SimPE, let’s see what this was about.

“Earned §25,000,” huh?

How come your house looks like that, then.

Nick: My mom just earned §25 000. Come over.

Mallory: Take me, Richie Rich!

Nick: Pink! So good to see you!
Mallory: My name’s Mallory.
Nick: I know! I looked you up in the phone book! But “Pink” I will remember.

How chaste.

Nick: No lips until I’ve seen her brush her teeth.

Mallory: Hey wow you’re a jerk.
Nick: Runs in the family!

Mallory: What else runs in the family? I’ve heard your brother has a… large…
Nick: Chip on his shoulder? Yep, got that too!

Nick: I’m not gonna say it for you, if that’s what you’re waiting for.

Whatever this story is, I already don’t want to hear it.

Oh, maybe this is about how I very quickly learned to despise Lucas.

Oh, no, it’s about how everyone Lucas met very quickly learned to despise him.

Go away if you want to live.

Nick: So hey, baby, do you think I’m sexy?
Mallory: I think you’re fluffy…

Mallory: You don’t even have any jewellery.
Nick: What?
Mallory: I like jewellery.
Nick: Seriously?

Vicki: I’ve missed you, Sammy.
Samantha: I’ve missed you too, mommy.

Vicki: Don’t.

Nick: Okay, so you like bling. What else do you like?
Mallory: Muscles.

Vicki: Wanna give the paparazzi some material?

Nick: Hey mom, William Sharpe said something stupid about being my brother.
Valerie: Pretty sure you’ve been told that several times.
Nick: Okay but it’s stupid.

Nick: I just don’t see it.
Mallory: Maybe he got his mom’s genetics, and you got your dad’s!
Nick: Hmm… that does feed into my chauvinist egotism…

Valerie: Get your hot girlfriend outta my pissing chamber!

I don’t remember this.

Which gratifies me.

I like that custom tire popper I installed on the driveway.

Hey! No free product placement!

What did Brandi do?

William: What didn’t she do.

I don’t know that either.

William: Gonna try it on?
Vicki: I’d like to try several things on.

William: I’m on it!

Go ahead, treat yourself.

To your stepmother.

I like that Emmy is simultaneously cheering about William having sex now and fuming about what can only have been William cheating on her previously.

Ian: Wanna play tangle arms?
Michael: No.

Ian: You wanna play tangle arms?
William: Sorry man, all tuckered out playing genital slap!

William: My virility is now a matter of public record.

William: You look good enough to fuck! Again.


I didn’t incarnate you so you could catch fireflies.

Grugly Prime: Why did you incarnate me?

I honestly don’t recall, but it can’t have involved fireflies.

William: Sure you don’t wanna try anything else on?
Vicki: Not without something to reduce the swelling I don’t.

Vicki: I mean my swelling. His swelling I like.
Asia: Thanks for clarifying.

Renée: Hey there, Governor Sharpe!
William: Have we met, young lady?
Renée: Oh, maybe in a past life. Haha!

Letting your hair down, huh.

Vicki: Yeah, nobody likes a stuck-up serial killer.

William: Let’s go find some plebs and flaunt our celebrity.

Vicki: Peter was a bad person.
William: You don’t say!

William: Just because I’m old doesn’t mean it’s okay for you to be old.

Vicki: I’m dating a fuckhead.

Theresa: And we’re watching.

Emmy: I could star in a spinoff!
Grugly Prime: I don’t think so.
Emmy: I could live in a downtown apartment with an assortment of funny, sexy friends!
Grugly: You could die in a fire!
Emmy: It was just an idea.

William: Ah, would you look at that, there’s precisely the right number of fireflies out tonight.


Grugly Prime: You’re welcome.

Later on I learn how to frame pictures in windows so it looks like giant people are inside.

It’s pretty okay.

Get a room, you guys.

William: I’m the governor. This entire state is my room.

William: My room has all the best chicks in it.

Vicki: What’s so funny?
William: I just remembered Lucas is dead.

Vicki: I think that’s funny too.

Vicki: I feel weird being myself again.

Well on the one hand you’re a serial killer, but on the other hand the only people you killed that matter are alive again.

Vicki: I killed Cecilia’s mom, though.

Oh, yeah.

I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about.

Wait, I thought you came here to eat.

William: We did!

Are you going home instead? Did you decide not to eat out?

William: No, I’m definitely gonna eat out!

William: I’m gonna eat out vigorously.



Kitty Enriquez: .oO(That sounds like William eating someone out in a car!)

Vicki: Breath mint?
William: Oh god yes.

I can’t remember the last time I was stopped dead in my tracks by how gross someone was.

Vicki: I know, I know, but that’s what happens when you spend too much time looking at William and then look away.

Vicki: Table for two?
Shea: Please don’t kill our other guests.
William: Well tell them not to steal our food, then.

Venkat: Seat’s taken, whitey.

Boy, this place is really exclusive, huh?

William: I’ll have the whipped creamed bigfoot.

William: Is this dude not a sanitation hazard?
Amin: That’s racist.

William: He punched me.
Vicki: You deserved it.


Amin: Big fan of your work, by the way.

William: I think… my hand… is no longer best friends… with your hand?


William: Do we know that chick?
Vicki: We know she hates hand nearness…

Vicki: You’d better stand up, it’s not good to be slapped from a sitting position.

William: WHAT DID I?!

Kitty: Did everything we had together mean nothing to you?!
William: Apparently!

William: Now I guess it means I hate you, at least!

Kitty: How could you do this to your own sister?
Vicki: Everybody’s my damn sister now.

Vicki: This dress is a bit chilly.

Opal: Slap men, child. Slap all the men.

Opal: Slap ’em ’til they learn.

Hear, hear.

This one, though, not a big learner.

William: Bye!
Vicki: You’re not coming?
William: I’m always coming! Baby.

Next time: he probably does.

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