Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
Something thickens this way plot.
I choose to believe this is somehow the Chronicles turning three hundred.
It makes more sense than whatever is actually happening.
Daisy: Evil schemes need evil carbs!
Victor: She eats like she’s punishing the food.
Daisy: I’m punishing it for deciding to be food.
Nobody is cheating on you. Your husband is dumb and ugly.
William has sex with everyone.
Nerissa: That bastard!
William: I know how to poop, too!
Daisy: Bitches love that!
Daisy: Okay, this fake identity is starting to wear a bit thin.
Daisy: And it’s not like I can go out on a higher note than beating up a superhero…
Uma: Who’s got a desperate-sounding name? Uhhhh… Kyle! That’s a scrawny nerd name if ever I heard one!
Uma: Hi, I’m a naked chick.
Kyle: -ziiiip- I’m listening.
Uma: How many of your friends have vaginas?
Kyle: Honestly they all could, I haven’t had the chance to check.
Uma: Let’s face it, you’ve been dead for a long time. I bet you don’t have a girlfriend.
Kyle: I do, actually.
Uma: I bet she’s ugly, though.
Kyle: She’s super hot.
Uma: Uh… I bet…
Kyle: Bet she’s taller than me and it makes me really uncomfortable, that’s a safe one.
Where are you going?
Daisy: I’m just going.
Daisy: It’s so gratifying to be recognized by all the nobodies.
Daisy: The flames were a nice touch.
It’s not a filming day.
Daisy: I’m going to get my car modded.
Can you do something about those biohazard rims, then?
Neila: Is this an Animal Control sort of issue, you think?
That didn’t take long.
Daisy: It was one of those modifications that doesn’t need to look good, it just needs to work.
And here you are… eating mac and cheese again.
Daisy: IT REMINDS ME OF BRAINS AND IT’S HARD TO STOP THINKING LIKE A ZOMBIE WHEN YOU’RE NO LONGER A ZOMBIE, OKAY
William: You taste like powdered cheese.
Daisy: I eat it by the spoonful to mask the smell of all the blood I drink.
William: ‘bye Daisy.
Daisy: Goodbye, William.
Either there’s a puddle up there or someone needs to coax Uma down stat.
Boo, I liked the jumper option better.
Daisy: NAKED TOWNIE CHICK!
Daisy: This is very exciting.
Daisy: YOU know what’s coming.
Yeah, but I haven’t decided if I’m supposed to, narratively-speaking.
Being a character in your own story is complicated.
You’re gonna spend this milestone episode at work?
William: I stand a better chance of surviving it there.
Daisy: I hear you’re looking for lonely men to sex with!
Uma: …how did you hear that?
Daisy: I’d try Nathaniel Price-Murphy. Fat dorks are around your speed.
Uma: You know me so well.
Daisy: Check out my car through the window, by the way. I got some hot new features installed and I want to show them off.
And then the devil possessed the ceiling.
Brandi: Hey boss!
Daisy: Hey, cover-blower! Go blow something else.
Daisy: Haha, whoops! Seatbelt would be a bad idea.
Daisy: I wonder if I can expand the radius to take out that ugly mailman.
Uma: No, don’t talk, just listen. Your voice is like shredded aluminum on crackers.
Daisy: So hey what’s up with your uncle Kyle?! Dude dies lame and comes back laid?!
Nathaniel: It’s weirder than that. He died gay and came back bi.
Uma: He should have come back poly.
Uma: I will have sex with you if you give me some genie money.
Still hanging around?
Brandi: I kinda want to see this.
You’re the sort of person who stares at an eclipse, aren’t you.
Brandi: The sort of person who gets to be president, you mean?
Uma: They should have fried your mother.
Uma: They should fry that entire generation.
Uma: I’MMA CALL YOU BACK AND EXPLAIN WHY THAT WAS A POOR CHOICE OF WORDS
Ah, there’s that good ol’ Sim sense of self-preservation!
Brandi: WHY AM I DOING THIS
Your shoes are on fire.
Brandi: Let the motherfuckers burn.
Brandi: I hope you have asbestos skin, honey…
Uma: DAISY’S CAR IS EXPLODING
Uma: WHY WOULD SHE WANT THAT FEATURE
Hey, thanks Jordan.
Kacper: Save the moths! SAVE THE MOTHS!
Emmy: I thought firemen were supposed to be hot.
Jordan: Put the suit on for five minutes and you’ll see.
Jordan: Yeah, yeah, calm your exposed tits.
Nerissa: What happened?
Uma: Daisy exploded.
Nerissa: Talk about biofuel, huh? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Kacper: We did all we could.
Jordan: We saved the sidewalk.
Kacper: We’re heroes, basically!
Keep it up, Brandi. I’ve killed you before, I’ll kill you again.
Oh, good. She’s over there by the can, in the white dress. Use your strongest stuff.
Andrea: Eww, bugs!
Your mom’s dead, too.
Andrea: Let me process the bugs first, okay? I’m twelve or something.
Andrea: Oh god, I barfed a flamingo.
Neila: It’s my best friend!
Victor: I’m lifting it with my mind!
Neila: Oh god, I ate the barfed flamingo.
Uma: I should scrub his wife’s ashes off my skin before he gets home.
It’s just a tree, dude.
Victor: Sorry, my eyes physically force themselves away from boring things that happen.
I feel that way about sports too, yeah.
William: Oh, good, you came!
Arcadia: I’m in SCIA custody for being a domestic terrorist. I don’t exactly get to set my own itinerary.
William: Okay, now I know ENTROPY hired you to kill me, but I think you’ll find the SCIA has better uses for your talents.
Arcadia: Toppling foreign governments, spying on dictators, that sort of thing?
William: What? No! We mostly fight criminals and zombies here in Clover County.
Arcadia: …wait, you can operate on home soil? Shouldn’t that be, like… the… SFBI or something?
William: Don’t make shit up.
Arcadia: So you’re gonna train me to be a super soldier?
William: I like that choice of words, it leaves me the option of experimenting on you!
William: Alright, supposedly every good secret agent needs to be an expert sword fighter.
Arcadia: How often do you have to fight swords?
William: I see you’re already at advanced level in clever on-the-fly quips, that’s good.
William: Um what
William: I’m used to seeing stars, lady, I’m a senior citizen.
Arcadia: Guess I lose this round.
William: Sorry, we train to the death. You’re gonna have to reload a save or something.
William: Just kidding.
Arcadia: You’re pretty fly, for an old guy!
William: And you’re less bland than most townies!
William: Funny story! There’s a cow stalking my family.
Arcadia: It’s not the cow that’s supposed to be in jail, for murder, is it?
Arcadia: Do all secret agents need to learn how to dance?
William: Oh, we’re not dancing. I’m groping you.
Barenaked Ladies: They need, like, a TV in here or something.
Anthony: Maybe a square-dancing stage.
Stephen: Some cyanide caplets.
William: How are you managing a concealed carry in tight jeans and a see-through top?
Arcadia: I’m a sword-swallower.
William: I’ll have to let you try swallowing my sword sometime.
William: You’ve got something in your teeth, let me get that for you.
Arcadia: How are you so freaking flexible?!
William: I’ll give you a hint: the margin notes in my copy of the Kama Sutra have a higher word count than the text itself.
Arcadia: So far my training has consisted of losing to you in various embarassing ways.
William: That’s most people’s experience of life around here.
Arcadia: CLANG! Crossed swords!
William: Crossed swords are pointless. Nobody’s blocking anything.
Arcadia: It’s symbolic.
William: Yeah, pointless, that’s what I said.
What could POSSIBLY.
Arcadia: Okay, this is too difficult.
William: We could move on to assault rifle duels, but the margin for error is a lot lower.
Arcadia: Why don’t we work on interrogation techniques instead?
William: I thought you’d never ask.
William: Welcome to the agency.
Arcadia: It feels like an escort agency.
Arcadia: I’m making a joke about you hiring me to satisfy your libido.
William: I’m sorry you think it’s a joke.
William: Oops, must have fallen out of my pocket earlier.
You have tombstones in your inventory?
William: Only like a dozen.
William: All the info is chiselled out and it just says “Daisy” on it.
William: Totally falling for this.
William: I WAS GONE FOR LIKE AN HOUR
William: It was good of whoever rigged it to blow to put it up on blocks first.
William: Hey little man, checking out your first crime scene? Chip off the ol’ block.
William: Looks like it’s just you and me and Ceiling Satan now.
I like how Maxis conflated “playful” and “insane.”
Somebody blew Daisy up. Did you blow Daisy up?
Jizelle: Oui, it was moi, een ze long storied tradition of French suicide bombairs.
William: So, anything unusual happen today?
Uma: I dunno if exploding wives are unusual by your standards…
William: I’m just asking-
Uma: I DIDN’T KILL YOUR WIFE
William: Of course you didn’t! That’s, like, five levels of interesting beyond where you’re at!
Uma: IF PEOPLE ARE KILLING YOUR FAMILY I DON’T WANT TO LIVE HERE
William: IF PEOPLE ARE KILLING MY FAMILY YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE TO LIVE HERE LONG
Uma: I was trying to seduce a dude on the phone when your wife blew up! Do you have any idea what a turn-off it is to hear a Sim sizzle to death on a land line?!
William: WHY DO WE LET TOWNIES MOVE IN WITH US
I’ve got nothin’, man.
William: I should have known better than to get involved with a cashier. When was the last time your life was materially improved by a cashier.
Uma: Hahaha yeah you really fucked up there.
William: MY WIFE IS GONE AND NOW ALL I HAVE IS A CASHIER
William: And also my wife thinks I’m gullible.
William: And also my house needs defensive turrets.
William: “Kitty.” It says “Kitty” under there. She didn’t even respect me enough to chisel properly.
William: Daisy has a dark secret, doesn’t she.
So dark the con of William.
William: I’m pretty sure our marriage vows explicitly forbade dark secrets.
William: And butt stuff.
William: Full dark, no stars, perfect time to screw around with an IED.
William: Man, this bomb does not know when to quit!
William: That’s some lumpy-ass pavement there.
William: Oh look, Daisy wants me to think she’s dead.
William: She couldn’t even get a fake tombstone made up?
Maybe she’s trying to show you that she’s the one who killed Kitty.
William: I don’t remember Kitty, and I never forget a pussy.
William: This is the weirdest Dear John letter ever.
William: Man, those identical piles of garbage are identically gross.
William: Why do fake deaths always have to be so expensive?
William: UMA! Come tell me what Daisy wanted you to see.
Uma: That’s a much better idea than arguing in the bathroom.
Uma: Good news! I’m your new wife.
William: Cut the crap and tell me what happened.
Uma: What happened was crap. If I cut that I’m just left narrating my phone call to you.
Uma: I was trying to seduce a fat dude when your wife blew up.
William: Probably unrelated.
Uma: She told me to watch because she had some cool new features installed in her car, but when she went to show me, coincidentally, a bomb went off!
William: I respect your gullibility.
Uma: Who would want to hurt Daisy?
Uma: No, but, who do you think put the bomb there?
Uma: Are you singing that song or something? Because I’m not dressed for bicycle riding.
Uma: Anyway are you not listening? The car went BOOM. No-one could have survived that!
William: I’m sure it was meant to look that way.
Uma: What, did she, like, teleport out of the car before it exploded?
Uma: I’m gullible but you’re nuts.
Uma: I could feel the heat from inside the house. Your wife is wife flambé, dude. I’m sorry.
William: I’ve never been broken up with via explosion before.
Uma: I think you’re in denial, dude.
William: No I’m not!
William: So if you’re home all day…
Uma: My ex-lovers aren’t kicking the can, dude.
William: Nice choice of words, Uma. Not too soon at all.
Where were you two?
Andrea: Best friending.
That’s not a place.
Andrea: Spoken like someone who’s never best friended!
William Jr.: BOOM
William: What does the mom say!
Uma: Ugh, this is beneath me.
Yeah, if they were above you they’d be terrifying.
Uma: You think you’re clever but you’re not.
William: My back is giving out, help.
William: I think we both need someone to teach us how to walk.
Uma: Hi, I’m-
Uma: What’s your-
PASS PASS PASS
Uma: God doesn’t like you.
Tyler: I’ve always suspected.
Nerissa: Hey, yeah! Pickin’ up the can! I totally approve of that. Just came by to… tell you.
William: Come on kiddo, bring that sweet sweet radiation on home to poppa.
Victor: Do you think Daisy’s gonna stay dead?
Neila: We’re trying to have a nice family moment here, Vic.
Andrea: I hope she comes back. I miss her already.
Neila: WE’RE TRYING TO HAVE A NICE FAMILY MOMENT HERE ANDREA NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR DEAD MOM
Neila: WELL I CAN’T TAKE IT BACK NOW CAN I
William: Now you can practice chasing the ladies!
William: But not my ladies, they’re mine.
William: Except this one, I don’t need this one.
William: Here, Kitty Kitty Kitty.
Kitty: Avenge me?
William: Kitty litter.
Kitty: What is happening.
William: What day is Spectral Trash Pickup?
William: I’ve had a hard penis. I mean a hard day. Come over? And have my hard penis?
Arcadia: It smells like explosions here.
William: Bad ass, right?
William: One of my neighbours is an orphan. Loser!
William: He’s wasting his life. Funny!
William: His sister eats dog food. Child services!
William: His mom died.
William: His dad died.
Arcadia: Will this be on the test?
Arcadia: These lessons are my favourite lessons.
William: I’m gonna teach you advanced interrogation tonight.
Arcadia: I brought a change of clothes.
Arcadia: That was your other dead wife’s ghost. She said to say “hi.”
William: It’s been a strange day.
Arcadia: It’s like a party in my genitals and André the Giant is invited!
Arcadia: Hello? You there, big boy?
Arcadia: There he is!
William: Sorry, when you’ve had as much sex as I’ve had your mind tends to wander.
William: Between Captain Sparkles and me you have at least one fully undivided attention.
William: I’m losing my fucking mind.
Arcadia: I’m losing my mind fucking!
Looking for anything in particular?
Jizelle: Zooperheroes gonna zoop!
William: So I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something.
Arcadia: Unless it’s telling you to climb back on I suggest you ignore it.
Just a thousand?
William: Diminishing returns.
Arcadia: I don’t feel like we’re really connecting.
You looked pretty connected, from what I could see.
Arcadia: Is this where you slept with your wife?
William: Among other people. Among lots of other people.
William: About a dozen, to date.
Arcadia: You’ve had sex with a dozen people?!
William: On this bed, I mean!
William: But I was only half-crazy for one of them.
…lovely night for a jog…?
Penny: Aw hail.
Penny: Hail no!
Penny: Let’s get the hail outta here!
Penny: I’M OUT OF JOKES MAKE IT STOP
Arcadia: Why not?
Arcadia: I’m reinventing myself!
William: Reinvent yourself to bed, woman, it’s like three in the morning.
Brandi: IT’S ALMOST LIKE NOBODY SHOULD BE OUT HERE RIGHT NOW
William: Stick with me, baby, and we’ll save the world! One international incident at a time.
William: The best part is we get to kill without repercussions!
WHY ARE YOU STILL
William: OH OH BABY WHAT’S HAPPENING
Arcadia: You can’t cheat on a dead person, William.
William: I felt like she was watching me.
Arcadia: I guess that’s sweet?
William: You think so? Try it some time.
William: Also I’m having these weird acid flashbacks.
Arcadia: I didn’t know you did acid.
William: I didn’t either.
William: Let’s see if we can replicate it.
Arcadia: Any luck?
William: Nope. Guess I’ve hit my scrambled revelations quota for this chapter.
I don’t know what to say about this, but I feel compelled to share it.
William: So hey, funny story: that kid was Daisy’s, so I’m not sure why I let her live here now.
William: I guess it’s mean to kick out an orphan? I mean, I guess.
William: Especially with all the child predators around here.
Arcadia: From an evolutionary perspective child predation makes sense. I mean, look at that stupid thing. It’s like a barely-mobile calorie pack!
Child predators don’t eat children, Arcadia.
Arcadia: What do they do, then?
They make really shitty joke material, is what they do.
William: I wish I knew if it was her move or my move.
It’s always her move.
Next time: uh… I don’t really see anything happening, actually.
Oh, and I’m not doing recaps anymore.
I discovered that an equally-effective way to find out what happened in the last hundred chapters is to read the last hundred chapters.
You lazy shits.
I love you.