The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter THREE HUNDRED

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

Click Here for Previous Entries!

Something thickens this way plot.


I choose to believe this is somehow the Chronicles turning three hundred.

It makes more sense than whatever is actually happening.

Daisy: Evil schemes need evil carbs!

Victor: She eats like she’s punishing the food.

Daisy: I’m punishing it for deciding to be food.

Nobody is cheating on you. Your husband is dumb and ugly.

Nerissa: William-

William has sex with everyone.

Nerissa: That bastard!

William: I know how to poop, too!

Daisy: Bitches love that!

Daisy: Okay, this fake identity is starting to wear a bit thin.

Daisy: And it’s not like I can go out on a higher note than beating up a superhero…

Uma: Who’s got a desperate-sounding name? Uhhhh… Kyle! That’s a scrawny nerd name if ever I heard one!

Uma: Hi, I’m a naked chick.
Kyle: -ziiiip- I’m listening.

Uma: How many of your friends have vaginas?
Kyle: Honestly they all could, I haven’t had the chance to check.

Uma: Let’s face it, you’ve been dead for a long time. I bet you don’t have a girlfriend.
Kyle: I do, actually.
Uma: I bet she’s ugly, though.
Kyle: She’s super hot.
Uma: Uh… I bet…
Kyle: Bet she’s taller than me and it makes me really uncomfortable, that’s a safe one.

Where are you going?

Daisy: I’m just going.

Daisy: It’s so gratifying to be recognized by all the nobodies.

Daisy: The flames were a nice touch.

It’s not a filming day.

Daisy: I’m going to get my car modded.

Can you do something about those biohazard rims, then?

Neila: Is this an Animal Control sort of issue, you think?

That didn’t take long.

Daisy: It was one of those modifications that doesn’t need to look good, it just needs to work.

And here you are… eating mac and cheese again.

Daisy: IT REMINDS ME OF BRAINS AND IT’S HARD TO STOP THINKING LIKE A ZOMBIE WHEN YOU’RE NO LONGER A ZOMBIE, OKAY

William: You taste like powdered cheese.
Daisy: I eat it by the spoonful to mask the smell of all the blood I drink.

William: ‘bye Daisy.
Daisy: Goodbye, William.

Either there’s a puddle up there or someone needs to coax Uma down stat.

Boo, I liked the jumper option better.

Daisy: NAKED TOWNIE CHICK!

Daisy: This is very exciting.

It is?

Daisy: YOU know what’s coming.

Yeah, but I haven’t decided if I’m supposed to, narratively-speaking.

Being a character in your own story is complicated.

You’re gonna spend this milestone episode at work?

William: I stand a better chance of surviving it there.

Daisy: I hear you’re looking for lonely men to sex with!
Uma: …how did you hear that?
Daisy: I’d try Nathaniel Price-Murphy. Fat dorks are around your speed.

Uma: You know me so well.

Daisy: Check out my car through the window, by the way. I got some hot new features installed and I want to show them off.

And then the devil possessed the ceiling.

Brandi: Hey boss!
Daisy: Hey, cover-blower! Go blow something else.

Daisy: Haha, whoops! Seatbelt would be a bad idea.

Daisy: I wonder if I can expand the radius to take out that ugly mailman.

Uma: No, don’t talk, just listen. Your voice is like shredded aluminum on crackers.

Daisy: So hey what’s up with your uncle Kyle?! Dude dies lame and comes back laid?!
Nathaniel: It’s weirder than that. He died gay and came back bi.
Uma: He should have come back poly.

Uma: I will have sex with you if you give me some genie money.

Still hanging around?

Brandi: I kinda want to see this.

You’re the sort of person who stares at an eclipse, aren’t you.

Brandi: The sort of person who gets to be president, you mean?

Uuuugh.

Uma: They should have fried your mother.

Uma: They should fry that entire generation.

BOOM

Uma: I’MMA CALL YOU BACK AND EXPLAIN WHY THAT WAS A POOR CHOICE OF WORDS

Ah, there’s that good ol’ Sim sense of self-preservation!

Brandi: WHY AM I DOING THIS

Your shoes are on fire.

Brandi: Let the motherfuckers burn.

Brandi: I hope you have asbestos skin, honey…

Uma: DAISY’S CAR IS EXPLODING

BOOM

Uma: WHY WOULD SHE WANT THAT FEATURE

Hey, thanks Jordan.

Kacper: Save the moths! SAVE THE MOTHS!

Emmy: I thought firemen were supposed to be hot.
Jordan: Put the suit on for five minutes and you’ll see.

Jordan: Yeah, yeah, calm your exposed tits.

Nerissa: What happened?
Uma: Daisy exploded.
Nerissa: Talk about biofuel, huh? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Kacper: We did all we could.
Jordan: We saved the sidewalk.
Kacper: We’re heroes, basically!

Keep it up, Brandi. I’ve killed you before, I’ll kill you again.

Oh, good. She’s over there by the can, in the white dress. Use your strongest stuff.

Andrea: Eww, bugs!

Your mom’s dead, too.

Andrea: Let me process the bugs first, okay? I’m twelve or something.

Andrea: Oh god, I barfed a flamingo.
Neila: It’s my best friend!
Victor: I’m lifting it with my mind!

Neila: Oh god, I ate the barfed flamingo.

Uma: I should scrub his wife’s ashes off my skin before he gets home.

It’s just a tree, dude.

Victor: Sorry, my eyes physically force themselves away from boring things that happen.

I feel that way about sports too, yeah.

William: Oh, good, you came!
Arcadia: I’m in SCIA custody for being a domestic terrorist. I don’t exactly get to set my own itinerary.

William: Okay, now I know ENTROPY hired you to kill me, but I think you’ll find the SCIA has better uses for your talents.
Arcadia: Toppling foreign governments, spying on dictators, that sort of thing?
William: What? No! We mostly fight criminals and zombies here in Clover County.
Arcadia: …wait, you can operate on home soil? Shouldn’t that be, like… the… SFBI or something?
William: Don’t make shit up.

Arcadia: So you’re gonna train me to be a super soldier?
William: I like that choice of words, it leaves me the option of experimenting on you!

William: Alright, supposedly every good secret agent needs to be an expert sword fighter.
Arcadia: How often do you have to fight swords?
William: I see you’re already at advanced level in clever on-the-fly quips, that’s good.

William: Um what

Arcadia: Distraction!
William: I’m used to seeing stars, lady, I’m a senior citizen.

Arcadia: Guess I lose this round.
William: Sorry, we train to the death. You’re gonna have to reload a save or something.

William: Just kidding.

Arcadia: You’re pretty fly, for an old guy!
William: And you’re less bland than most townies!

William: Funny story! There’s a cow stalking my family.

Arcadia: It’s not the cow that’s supposed to be in jail, for murder, is it?

…shit.

It is.

Arcadia: Do all secret agents need to learn how to dance?
William: Oh, we’re not dancing. I’m groping you.

Barenaked Ladies: They need, like, a TV in here or something.
Anthony: Maybe a square-dancing stage.
Stephen: Some cyanide caplets.

William: How are you managing a concealed carry in tight jeans and a see-through top?
Arcadia: I’m a sword-swallower.

William: I’ll have to let you try swallowing my sword sometime.

William: You’ve got something in your teeth, let me get that for you.

Arcadia: How are you so freaking flexible?!
William: I’ll give you a hint: the margin notes in my copy of the Kama Sutra have a higher word count than the text itself.

Arcadia: So far my training has consisted of losing to you in various embarassing ways.
William: That’s most people’s experience of life around here.

Arcadia: CLANG! Crossed swords!
William: Crossed swords are pointless. Nobody’s blocking anything.
Arcadia: It’s symbolic.
William: Yeah, pointless, that’s what I said.

What could POSSIBLY.

Arcadia: Okay, this is too difficult.
William: We could move on to assault rifle duels, but the margin for error is a lot lower.

Arcadia: Why don’t we work on interrogation techniques instead?

William: I thought you’d never ask.

William: Welcome to the agency.
Arcadia: It feels like an escort agency.

Arcadia: I’m making a joke about you hiring me to satisfy your libido.
William: I’m sorry you think it’s a joke.

William: Oops, must have fallen out of my pocket earlier.

You have tombstones in your inventory?

William: Only like a dozen.

William: All the info is chiselled out and it just says “Daisy” on it.

William: Totally falling for this.

William: I WAS GONE FOR LIKE AN HOUR

William: It was good of whoever rigged it to blow to put it up on blocks first.

William: Hey little man, checking out your first crime scene? Chip off the ol’ block.

William: Looks like it’s just you and me and Ceiling Satan now.

I like how Maxis conflated “playful” and “insane.”

Somebody blew Daisy up. Did you blow Daisy up?

Jizelle: Oui, it was moi, een ze long storied tradition of French suicide bombairs.

William: So, anything unusual happen today?

Uma: I dunno if exploding wives are unusual by your standards…

William: I’m just asking-
Uma: I DIDN’T KILL YOUR WIFE
William: Of course you didn’t! That’s, like, five levels of interesting beyond where you’re at!

Uma: IF PEOPLE ARE KILLING YOUR FAMILY I DON’T WANT TO LIVE HERE
William: IF PEOPLE ARE KILLING MY FAMILY YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE TO LIVE HERE LONG

Uma: I was trying to seduce a dude on the phone when your wife blew up! Do you have any idea what a turn-off it is to hear a Sim sizzle to death on a land line?!

William: WHY DO WE LET TOWNIES MOVE IN WITH US

I’ve got nothin’, man.

William: I should have known better than to get involved with a cashier. When was the last time your life was materially improved by a cashier.

Uma: Hahaha yeah you really fucked up there.

William: MY WIFE IS GONE AND NOW ALL I HAVE IS A CASHIER

William: And also my wife thinks I’m gullible.

William: And also my house needs defensive turrets.

William: “Kitty.” It says “Kitty” under there. She didn’t even respect me enough to chisel properly.

What?

William: Daisy has a dark secret, doesn’t she.

So dark the con of William.

William: I’m pretty sure our marriage vows explicitly forbade dark secrets.

William: And butt stuff.

William: Full dark, no stars, perfect time to screw around with an IED.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

William: Man, this bomb does not know when to quit!

FPOOF

FCRASH

William: That’s some lumpy-ass pavement there.

William: Oh look, Daisy wants me to think she’s dead.

William: She couldn’t even get a fake tombstone made up?

Maybe she’s trying to show you that she’s the one who killed Kitty.

William: I don’t remember Kitty, and I never forget a pussy.

William: This is the weirdest Dear John letter ever.

William: Man, those identical piles of garbage are identically gross.

William: Why do fake deaths always have to be so expensive?

William: UMA! Come tell me what Daisy wanted you to see.

Uma: That’s a much better idea than arguing in the bathroom.

Uma: Good news! I’m your new wife.

William: Cut the crap and tell me what happened.
Uma: What happened was crap. If I cut that I’m just left narrating my phone call to you.

Uma: I was trying to seduce a fat dude when your wife blew up.
William: Probably unrelated.

Uma: She told me to watch because she had some cool new features installed in her car, but when she went to show me, coincidentally, a bomb went off!
William: I respect your gullibility.

Uma: Who would want to hurt Daisy?
William: Daisy.
Uma: No, but, who do you think put the bomb there?
William: Daisy.
Uma: Are you singing that song or something? Because I’m not dressed for bicycle riding.

Uma: Anyway are you not listening? The car went BOOM. No-one could have survived that!
William: I’m sure it was meant to look that way.
Uma: What, did she, like, teleport out of the car before it exploded?
William: Yes.
Uma: I’m gullible but you’re nuts.

Uma: I could feel the heat from inside the house. Your wife is wife flambĂ©, dude. I’m sorry.

William: I’ve never been broken up with via explosion before.

Uma: I think you’re in denial, dude.
William: No I’m not!

William: So if you’re home all day…
Uma: My ex-lovers aren’t kicking the can, dude.
William: Nice choice of words, Uma. Not too soon at all.

Where were you two?

Andrea: Best friending.

That’s not a place.

Andrea: Spoken like someone who’s never best friended!

William Jr.: BOOM
William: What does the mom say!

Uma: Ugh, this is beneath me.

Yeah, if they were above you they’d be terrifying.

Uma: You think you’re clever but you’re not.

DEATH PENALTY

William: My back is giving out, help.

William: I think we both need someone to teach us how to walk.

PASS.

Uma: Hi, I’m-

PASS

Uma: What’s your-

PASS

PASS PASS PASS

Uma: God doesn’t like you.
Tyler: I’ve always suspected.

Nerissa: Hey, yeah! Pickin’ up the can! I totally approve of that. Just came by to… tell you.

William: Come on kiddo, bring that sweet sweet radiation on home to poppa.

Victor: Do you think Daisy’s gonna stay dead?
Neila: We’re trying to have a nice family moment here, Vic.
Andrea: I hope she comes back. I miss her already.
Neila: WE’RE TRYING TO HAVE A NICE FAMILY MOMENT HERE ANDREA NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR DEAD MOM

Victor:
Andrea:
Neila: WELL I CAN’T TAKE IT BACK NOW CAN I

William: Now you can practice chasing the ladies!

William: But not my ladies, they’re mine.

William: Except this one, I don’t need this one.

William: Here, Kitty Kitty Kitty.

Kitty: Avenge me?
William: Kitty litter.

Kitty: What is happening.

William: What day is Spectral Trash Pickup?

William: I’ve had a hard penis. I mean a hard day. Come over? And have my hard penis?

Arcadia: It smells like explosions here.
William: Bad ass, right?

William: One of my neighbours is an orphan. Loser!

William: He’s wasting his life. Funny!

William: His sister eats dog food. Child services!

William: His mom died.

William: His dad died.

Arcadia: Will this be on the test?

UMA.

Arcadia: These lessons are my favourite lessons.

William: I’m gonna teach you advanced interrogation tonight.
Arcadia: I brought a change of clothes.

Arcadia: That was your other dead wife’s ghost. She said to say “hi.”

William: It’s been a strange day.

Arcadia: It’s like a party in my genitals and AndrĂ© the Giant is invited!

Arcadia: Hello? You there, big boy?

Arcadia: There he is!
William: Sorry, when you’ve had as much sex as I’ve had your mind tends to wander.

William: Between Captain Sparkles and me you have at least one fully undivided attention.

t’haiccseimdsial:weaiinaetattt’strsh

William: I’m losing my fucking mind.

Arcadia: I’m losing my mind fucking!

Looking for anything in particular?

Jizelle: Zooperheroes gonna zoop!

William: So I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something.
Arcadia: Unless it’s telling you to climb back on I suggest you ignore it.

Just a thousand?

William: Diminishing returns.

Arcadia: I don’t feel like we’re really connecting.

You looked pretty connected, from what I could see.

FPOOF

Arcadia: Is this where you slept with your wife?
William: Among other people. Among lots of other people.

William: About a dozen, to date.
Arcadia: You’ve had sex with a dozen people?!
William: On this bed, I mean!

William: But I was only half-crazy for one of them.

…lovely night for a jog…?

Penny: Aw hail.

Penny: Hail no!

Penny: Let’s get the hail outta here!

Penny: I’M OUT OF JOKES MAKE IT STOP

Why?

Arcadia: Why not?

Arcadia: I’m reinventing myself!
William: Reinvent yourself to bed, woman, it’s like three in the morning.

Brandi: IT’S ALMOST LIKE NOBODY SHOULD BE OUT HERE RIGHT NOW

William: Stick with me, baby, and we’ll save the world! One international incident at a time.

William: The best part is we get to kill without repercussions!

WHY ARE YOU STILL

William: OH OH BABY WHAT’S HAPPENING

aecciidr’ett’tmineathhtilsitassswa:

Arcadia: You can’t cheat on a dead person, William.
William: I felt like she was watching me.
Arcadia: I guess that’s sweet?
William: You think so? Try it some time.

William: Also I’m having these weird acid flashbacks.
Arcadia: I didn’t know you did acid.
William: I didn’t either.

William: Let’s see if we can replicate it.

Arcadia: Any luck?
William: Nope. Guess I’ve hit my scrambled revelations quota for this chapter.

I don’t know what to say about this, but I feel compelled to share it.

William: So hey, funny story: that kid was Daisy’s, so I’m not sure why I let her live here now.

William: I guess it’s mean to kick out an orphan? I mean, I guess.

William: Especially with all the child predators around here.

Arcadia: From an evolutionary perspective child predation makes sense. I mean, look at that stupid thing. It’s like a barely-mobile calorie pack!

Child predators don’t eat children, Arcadia.

Arcadia: What do they do, then?

They make really shitty joke material, is what they do.

William: I wish I knew if it was her move or my move.

It’s always her move.

Next time: uh… I don’t really see anything happening, actually.

Oh, and I’m not doing recaps anymore.

I discovered that an equally-effective way to find out what happened in the last hundred chapters is to read the last hundred chapters.

You lazy shits.

I love you.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.