The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 299

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

Click Here for Previous Entries!

In which fuckin’.


Ember: Come on, kids, we’re going to school.
Xavier: Wow, at your age?! Whose class are you in?

Xavier: How come I never see you at recess?

Xavier goes to a school for… “gifted” youngsters.

Wren: ‘kay, have fun guys!

I didn’t know you were Wonder Woman!

But I should’ve.

What’s that weird language on your license plate?

Ember: Chinese or something, I dunno.

Ember: Oh, hey, they’re instituting a mandatory pro-bono quota due to the recent uptick in townie-related court cases.

Ember: Hi! I quit!

Ember: Time to test the ol’ lung capacity out.

Oh, you’re gonna take up mountain yodelling?

What.

For the record, this was her reaction to the new look.

But I dunno, I kinda hubba hubba.

See? I can’t even look directly at her.

Grugly Prime: I’m so sorry for everything.
Ember: You should be.

Ooh, you’ll pay for that assessment.

Grugly: I just injected your palm with all the diseases.

Grugly: You looked better before!

Oh, wow. Have we ever visited one of these?

And why would we start.

Impromptu concert!

Ember: In commemoration of the apocalypse. I’m calling it “Dead Aid.”

Jizelle: What kind of soopervillein ees zis?!

Brandi: Wow, you’re so generous, Captain Hero!
Ember: Um, hello? Putting on a free concert over here?
Brandi: Shut up Bono nobody likes you.

Brandi: Except me!
Ember: Fuckin’ compare me to Bono.

Sullivan: Oh ho!
Ember: Did you just call me a ho?
Sullivan: Don’t be silly, of course I did.

Daisy: Hey Cap! Fightin’ evil?
Jizelle: Eef only.

Asia: I don’t like your music, but I’m still getting over the novelty of having money in my pockets!

Dagmar: Vote for me.

Margaret: Oh, oh, play “How Can I Say Goodbye (With Your Cock In My Mouth),” that’s my favourite!

Dagmar: Do you think this music is appropriate for a public venue?
Sullivan: Blah blah blah?
Dagmar: Won’t someone please think of the children?
Sullivan: Heheheh. Got that one covered, honey…

Sullivan: Get your grubby political hands off me, ugly.

Ember: ♪ He was a LIMP-DICKED FUCKER and I DIDN’T FUCKIN’ LIKE ‘IM and I HOPE HE ROTS IN HELL because I DIDN’T EVEN ORRRRRRRRRGASM! ♪
Asia: I love classic rock.

Sullivan: Foreigners!
Dagmar: Suck!
Margaret: But they got oil!

Sullivan: Sometimes the houses up on Rich Hill attract foreigners for some reason. They pass out and starve to death.
Dagmar: We should build a wall or something.

Sullivan: Why? Free fertilizer!

Joshua: How much for an autograph?
Daisy: A hundred bucks.
Joshua: Wow, really? For my autograph?! Sold!

Sullivan: Dibs when she’s done!
Dagmar: ROSHAMBO YOU FOR IT

Sullivan: Paper!
Dagmar: Rock!
Sullivan: Hahaha you lost with rock ironic.

I GET TO BE MAYOR NOW

Asia: I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE SHOOT SNAKES

Dagmar: Thank you for your service, Captain!
Sullivan: More of a fanservice fan, myself.

Sullivan: That’s ageist.

Sullivan: Did you see that fat chick?
Daisy: That’s… ableist? Or something?
Sullivan: Can you look it up for me? I’m playing prejudice bingo.

Sullivan: Do you know any filthy hobos I can meet?

Ember: I call this “power busking.”

Ember: Anyone can pull themselves up by their bootstraps if their bootstraps are made of gold!

Ember: Mmm, all this taking money from the public has me hankerin’ for some lawyer meat.

Sullivan: ♭ I want to be moved by the feelings, I just want to follow the feeling, don’t stop me, I can be better, you can go a little bit wilder♭

Joshua: Love the new look.
Ember: I’m thinking of taking up entertainment law.

Joshua: So… aren’t you cold?
Ember: What? When I’m this hot?!

Daisy: Down, girl.

Joshua: CELEBRITY FIGHT!
Sullivan: No matter who loses, we win!

Ember: Who won?
Joshua: …the… actress…?
Daisy: I think this calls for a grade reduction, Captain!

Ember: I live just down the street.
Joshua: I love just down the street!

Sullivan: Aww, I want some enemies!

Joshua: I can’t believe you just yanked that out of the garden!
Ember: I’ve paid taxes in this county for over a century, these gardens are damn well mine.

Daisy: You want to remember who you’re dealing with here, “Captain.”
Jizelle: Capitan ‘ero weel not be eenteemeedaded!
Daisy: Jesus CHRIST. We should have picked an ethnicity you can FAKE.

Ember: Cool, you’re gorgeous, can we get going?
Sullivan: I like a woman who doesn’t like a man!

Ember: I’mma call you Vanity Plate.

Daisy: Go on, blow your cover and call me out. Let’s see how heroic everyone thinks you are when I tell them you’re a house thief named “Sandy.”
Jizelle: I ‘ate you!
Daisy: If you ate me I’d give you the screaming shits.

Dagmar: ♪ Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do! ♪
Ember: I’ve never heard this before, but it is rockin’!

Jizelle: ♪ Ooooh I’m so hungraaaay ♪

Joshua: I hear you’re good at cleaning! I like that in a woman!
Opal: Get a load of this breeder! I can’t wait until science makes you obsolete.

Well, good news, actually!

Ember: Did you see Splooge McDuckFace pretending to be a real character? As if!

Ember: I hear she’s a dad fucker.

Ember: I hear she fucked some dude’s dad.

Ember: Come on, guys! That’s no way to work through your sexual tension!
Joshua: Yeah, just fuck already! Right here! Right now.

Daisy: Does “superhero” mean something different in French?

Renée: Bonjour Jizelle! I’m Renée! My name is half French!
Jizelle: I don’t know ‘oo “Bonjour Jizelle” ees but my name is just Jizelle.

Ember: Can you feel it?
Joshua: It’s tingly! Is it carcinogenic?
Ember: Let me know in a few years!

Barenaked Ladies: Oh my god, you play that serial killer on TV!
Daisy: What’s “TV”? You mean Netflix?

Barenaked Ladies: You’re sooooo hot! You make me want to serial kill!
Daisy: That’s all I’ve ever wanted!

Ember: Stop loosening my straps.
Joshua: Killjoy.

Ember: Is that your penis? Because you seem glad to see me!

Ember: I’m gorgeous.
Barenaked Ladies: She is.

Daisy: You guys mind if I watch?
Joshua: Coming this fall: Celebrity Sidewalk!

Joshua: Oh baby, let me cross-examine you.
Ember: Well, we are before the bench…

Sullivan: And he doesn’t know?!
Daisy: Not at ALL!
Sullivan: You’re so evil!
Daisy: I KNOW!

Sullivan: Hahaha so many secret villains!
Daisy: Isn’t it great?!

Dagmar: Play something Joshua would like.
Opal: ♪ Saint Anger ’round my neck ♪

I don’t like Joshua.

Can you tell?

Ember: He has one good point.
Joshua: And it’s pointed just for you, baby.

Alvin: Who’s the sexy cosplayer?

Ember: Did you see that superhero get her ass kicked?!
Joshua: Yes? I did? You didn’t.

Daisy: So I beat up a superhero earlier.
Alvin: I’m fucking your mom.

Opal: Yeah, heterosexuals! Keep flauntin’ your insufferable shit in public.

Ember: We should seriously go to my house before the game crashes.

Joshua: Yeah, I’d much rather crash at your place.

Alvin: ♪ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ♪

Joshua: ♪ She turnin’ all the night-time into the day ♪

Wren: The ground is shaking. The house is shaking?
Xavier: Cool, earthquake!

WHAM WHAM WHAM

Ember: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Eww, don’t touch that. You know where it’s been.

Joshua: Keep climbin’ the Joshua Tree, baby!

Ember: These penis names are just too much. I mean, seriously. U2 album names?
Joshua: Actually the penis name came first, Bono stole it from me.
Ember: Man, does anybody like that guy?!

Ember: Oh, hey, people are watching through the window.
Joshua: Yeah, I set up a pay-per-view channel.

Ember: I like a man with foresight.

Ember: Um, what are you doing? I’m not on there anymore.
Joshua: I refuse to let the moment pass.

Joshua: I never should have punched that fortune teller for saying one day I’d fuck an old lady.

Joshua: Ow ow my dick’s caught

Joshua: My dick’s caught in your pants help

Ember: …Anthony? Um… hi? I guess?
Anthony: Hey baby, I was just watching pay-per-view and thinking of you.

Wren: Mom’s screwing around on dad.
Xavier: Ridiculous, right? A guy can’t hang out with his second wife for one lousy day without his first wife taking advantage?

Wren: Soooo… how did you guys first sleep together? I mean, meet?

Wren: How long you gonna freeze that way?
Joshua: It’s a defense mechanism.

Ember: FUCKIN’ PIANO YEAH

Ember: I’m a good mom.

Joshua: You’re a hot momma!

Ember: Shut up, dude.

Ember: I’d like to have another kid.
Joshua: What do those things go for these days, anyhow?

Ember: I mean I’d like to have another kid.
Joshua: You’re a pedophile?!

Ember: Relax asshole, I don’t want to have your kid.
Joshua: Oh, good, because I don’t think I have one.

Ember: FUCK ME YOU INFURIATING BASTARD

Ember: Now get out of my house.

When Fluffy Met Fluffy.

Ember: But no, seriously, get out of my house.

Ember: Welp, you missed your window.

Joshua: But I gained expensive jewellery!

Joshua: It’s not culturally meaningful or anything, is it?

Joshua: Oh god oh god
Ember: Oh god I know

Ember: Oh god I’m gonna pass out

Ember: Don’t think of it as losing your freedom, Em, think of it as gaining a large penis.

Ember: Nope nope not large enough

Ember: Let me see that ring for a moment? And help me with this window.

Joshua: I have a crazy idea.
Ember: Is it suicide? Because if it is you might be psychic.

Joshua: Let’s live together but fuck other people!
Ember: Oh, that was always part of the agreement!

Joshua: I hear that green dude’s wife cheated on him!
Ember: But apparently you don’t remember who you heard it from.

Ember: Whoops, looks like I have a second True Hobby.

Ember: I re-dub your penis “Roto-Rooter.”

Ember: No, wait, that’s copyrighted too. Damn my lawyerly instincts!

Joshua: We could just not name my dick.
Ember: This journal didn’t get to nearly three hundred chapters by NOT doing running jokes!

Or by not doing endless reams of porn shots.

Ember: I don’t like the word “ream” in this context.

Ember: Okay, time for a detailed case study.

Ember: Wait, that’s an academia reference. Let’s call it a “test case” instead! That’s a lawyer reference.

Ember: If my life is going to be a joke, it ought to at least be an on-message joke!

Joshua: My hand is bleeding.

Joshua: Your hair is dangerous.
Ember: My outfit hasn’t got any pouches, and a girl needs to carry protectiont these days!

Ember: Wait what is happening.
Joshua: You’re putting a-
Ember: WHY AM I PUTTING A

Ember: OH GOD NOW YOU’RE PUTTING A TOO

Ember: Awesome we’re married now for some reason.

Ember: Anyway this is what your dick tastes like.

Ember: Cogitate on that for a moment.

Ember: Oh, here comes my daily ten seconds of self-awareness.

Ember: It’s always so pesky.

Did you just?

Joshua: Just eat spoiled food? I think you, me, and my furiously-roaring stomach know the answer to that.

Ember: Oh, hey, they’re instituting a mandatory free concert quota due to the recent uptick in rockstar salary rates.

Joshua: Hey, I found your cat.

Ember: Man, do we have any of those sucker ring candies in the cupboard? Fuckin’ always gives me the munchies.

Joshua: EW CAT WHY

Ember: Wow, we did some serious structural damage to this bed.

And geologic faults in a ten-mile radius!

How did it get so dirty?

Joshua: That cat did not want a bath!

Joshua: Anyway it’s dead now.

Next time: the big three-oh-oh!

Bizarrely, it coincides with an important plot milestone.

I’d take credit for that, but you know me too well by now to believe me.

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