The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 297

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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In which I make a poor decision.


I’m really sorry about this, Lumy.

Andrew: As a scientist I find this really distasteful.

You’re a mad scientist, though.

Andrew: Exactly! This is one of the things that makes me mad.

Andrew: I mean seriously. Fuckin’ genies.
Genie: I’m a cultural artifact!

That moment when you realize your house is so big you don’t see the other people who live there for days at a time.

Andrew: How did you…? There was a…?
Genie: Things falling from the sky were added before ceilings were added, so they got grandfathered in.

Andrew: Hey. Yeah. The Maker is having seller’s regret.

I’m so sorry, Lumy.

This disrespect for solid surfaces is starting to get to me.

Andrew: He’s too happy to obey the laws of physics.

Genie: You’re lucky someone misjudged your worth, buddy.

Stewart: Let’s misjudge some other people’s worth, shall we?

Stewart: Hey, how about my brother Franklin? He’s been dead so long nobody even remembers him!

Yeah, that’s why nobody remembers him.

Sure, leave the idiot alone with the wish machine. What could go wrong?

It’s not like half the dead people in this neighbourhood are ZOMBIES or anything.

Franklin: WHYYYYY

Stewart: This locks from the outside, right?

Franklin: You must create a female for me with whom I can live in the interchange of those sympathies necessary for my being.

Penny: Please don’t go near the children while this is happening.

Franklin: My companion will be of the same nature as myself, and will be content with the same fare.

Oh my god

I just realized

FRANKLINSTEIN.

That’s not even why I was quoting it.

Jesus Christ.

Mallory: So this is awful and I hate it already.

Mallory: I was awkward enough as a LIVE teenager!

Mallory: I’m just gonna lie here and rub my face off.

My cat hate my homework.

Franklin: Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.

Penny: So this is why everyone at work looked at me sideways when I said I was marrying a mad scientist.

Yeah, fuck yourself off for another year, I’m already regretting bringing you back.

Mallory: I TOO HAVE REGRETS

Franklin: YOUR REGRETS ARE CONTAGIOUS

WHAT DID PENNY TELL YOU DAMMIT

Hey, it’s this household’s one point of non-failure!

God DAMMIT.

Mallory: God dammit is right.

Franklin: I found these bugs hibernating in the fridge. I think they might have brains!
Mallory: Let me at ’em!

Mallory: wait no

Yeah, she’s a zombie who just pissed herself but the way she eats is gross.

Never ever ever buy your Sims MP3 players.

Every expansion adds at least one action the Sims can spring on you when you’re not paying attention that takes FUCKING FOREVER to cancel.

This is the only one you can personally prevent.

Oliver: Sooooo how are youuuuuu

Franklin: Ollie! You’re alive!
Oliver: Yeah! And you’re… here!

Franklin: What’s been happening since I died?
Oliver: One of the police chiefs is hot now.
Franklin: Okay, and…?
Oliver: That’s all I want to talk about.

Franklin: So anyway where you hidin’ the brains

Franklin: Never mind I found them!

FRIDAY: THAT can’t be right.

Two of these are mine, one of these is the game’s, and I’m ashamed which ones are which.

Nathaniel: Greetings! I’m older and you’re still the same.
Kenya: I’m sure I’d remember someone as ugly as you.

Nathaniel: Yeah well maybe my taste is bad and YOU’RE ugly, too?

Andrew: And this is how daddy patrols the grass border, keeping the bad grass at bay.

We need some sort of zombie social services.

Brooke: You mean instead of kidnapping normal people and using them as bait?

You weren’t normal.

You were a papergirl.

Let me direct you to the case of the first papergirl.

Emerson: Bang! Oh no, I hit the innocent bystander!
Brooke: I’m not playing your game, kid.
Emerson: Of course you’re not, you’re dead!

Um hey, is this working as intended?

Gahhhh.

It’s definitely not.

I have literally never seen this display and not said “nobody cares” out loud.

What? When did you have a family reunion?

Emerson: I’m all in your head, dude, I can’t tell you things you don’t already know.

Emerson: Um, barf?

My first thought was “ew, they’re cousins.”

Then I remembered that no, he’s her UNCLE.

So thanks for that, game.

Franklin: Who are these people.

This does not look like a safe babysitting arrangement to me.

Mallory: Naw, she’s safe, undeveloped brains taste like paper.

Andrew: Let’s bash them out on the ceiling anyway, just to be safe.

Angelica: Come over and shift the story focus to me.

Yeah, the current focus is a bit off.

Some developer saw this and went “yeah good enough”

Mallory: BRAINS?!
Andrew: Yes! It shows?

Andrew: Thanks for the lobster seasoning.

Andrew: How are you enjoying playable status?
Mallory: There’s a lot more pissing myself than I expected.

Mallory: I’m starting to wish I’d never met your brother.
Andrew: Yeah, we all get that.

Spiffy!

Somebody found the Build and Buy Mode buttons again!

Oh good, is the rest of this chapter architecture shots? Those are hella easy to caption.

Hey, more house!

Where’d more house come from?

This is the first step to creating a dedicated toddler ghetto.

Wait, never mind, this is the final step!

This hallway has always been dark and unpleasant.

Now it’s dim and unpleasant.

Okay where are we I’m lost.

That didn’t help.

Okay, that’s Penny’s womrat.

But whose urn is that?

Penny: ♪ I want to tell you a sto-ry, about a little man, if I can ♪

Don’t look it up.

I don’t want to be the person who forced early Pink Floyd on you.

Angelica: My uncles are coming back to life and it’s weird.
Nathaniel: I don’t even know who my dad is.

Angelica: Yeah you do! Your mom is that serial killer, we just found out! That means your dad is Neil Sharpe!
Nathaniel: Hey, yeah! Wait does that make me a main character now?!
Angelica: I think you need to be homicidal for that.

Nathaniel: Oh Angelica, homicide is in my blood.

Angelica: Mine too.

Hell of a thing to bond over.

I think leaving your kids with a zombie ought to be death-penalty-level child abuse.

And I don’t even believe in the death penalty.

Except for zombies.

Yeah, you’re gonna get me in shit for that.

Anthony: I hope you wiped your uncle’s slough off there before you got comfortable.

Andrew: Can’t we just add language skills in a patch.

Andrew: Maybe nanites in the baby bottle…

Andrew: SPEAK!
Bethany: NO!

Penny: Yes, it is night. What a scintillating conversationalist you are.

Daisy: What did I tell you about the cattle, Victor?
Victor: -sigh- We don’t fraternize with the cattle.
Daisy: That’s right. Your mother would be mortified.

“Mortified” is a good way to describe Melanie.

Daisy: And what did I tell you about papergirls?
Victor: Be nice to them, because some day they might eat your brains.

Dad scientist.

I feel like your troubles go deeper than that, Mallory.

Mallory: I think my uterus fell out again.

Franklin: I HATE BABIES

Penny: So stop BEING one

Mallory: Hey baby, please tell me you’re seeing this too.

Franklin: Seeing what?
Mallory: The giant blue bunny.
Franklin: Is this some weird sex thing?

Mallory: You can’t see that huge furry monstosity right over there.
Franklin: I see stairs. Are you somehow referring to the stairs?

Social Bunny: Who’s that yellow bastard?

Mallory: How long have you been unable to perceive wildlife?
Franklin: I’ve got mad cataracts, I dunno.

Franklin: Anyway making up a weird invisible friend is a good idea. You’re gonna have to start being more interesting, you’re this household’s number one most expendable character.

It’s a close race, though.

Mallory: The bunny is threatening to beat you up now.
Franklin: I don’t see a bunny, but I do see these puppies! Wowza!

Social Bunny: Okay, you guys are lowering my Social need.

Social Bunny: Good thing your ceilings and floors aren’t real.

Social Bunny: I must go, my people don’t need me.

Next time: aw hell, this is a two-parter.

Why?

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