The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 292

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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This one was a long time coming.

It’s been fun, legal eagles.

Don: So yeah how fucked is Melanie?

You’re late for THIS trial?!

William: Incontinence waits for no Sim!

William: Looks like a firing squad.
Karina: And me without my bulletproof vest.

Noah: Hey guys, remember: shoot if she so much as twitches. I’ll look the other way.


Aurora: Case of Wallawallock State vs. Melanie Morrigan Lillard, charge of mortal treason.

Noah: Let’s hear you plead, little lady.

Noah: A few tears wouldn’t hurt either.

Noah: I mean I’m still gonna find you guilty, but it’d make for great entertainment.

Noah: I’m basically only deliberating between life in prison and death in prison.

Noah: We should probably name the prison after you.

Melanie: You should name this whole fucking state after me.

Noah: Dance, kangaroo, dance! It’s your day in court.

Noah: You’re charged with starting an apocalypse for shits and giggles. Yea or nay?

Melanie: I’m not taking this shit from you.

Melanie: You’d all be nothing without me. Half of you are NPCs specifically-created because of what I did.

Melanie: I gave this garbage story purpose. We were just marking time until I started eating the frat boys and sorority sluts.

Melanie: Do you think people come here to read about dormies falling asleep and infinite Murphy toddlers learning to shit in a pot?

Melanie: Without my army this wouldn’t even be on the internet. I’m not the Zombie Queen. I’m the Queen of Motherfuckin’ Everything!

Melanie: You might as well ask the Avengers to judge Stan Lee.

Melanie: I gave your lives meaning. Without me you’d be mouldering on a portable hard disk, dripping bit by bit into electronic obscurity.

Melanie: Put ME on trial? What would you do WITHOUT me?! How many readers would have stuck around for two hundred chapters of people reading skill books and cheating on their spouses if they weren’t secretly hoping I’D COME BACK?!

Melanie: Look at THESE chucklefucks and their little GUNS. You only have guns because of ME! He only downloaded guns because of ME!

Melanie: Every ounce of character development. Every main cast member. Every fucking STORYLINE owes its entire existence to ME!

Melanie: The rest of you were so fucking boring I killed myself rather than tolerate your company!

Melanie: You think fuckstick over there would be the Governor if he hadn’t had a nemesis to thwart?

Melanie: This is my story, not his.

Melanie: You think he doesn’t spend every waking moment thinking about my rotten ass?

Melanie: Or how Death and I built an army to kill his parents?

Melanie: Or how he still doesn’t know who’s behind all his grief?

Melanie: You think there’s anything to him beyond what I made him?!

Melanie: And hey! You think the Maker would have played past Gen 1 if there hadn’t been ZOMBIES to fight?!

Melanie: I should be putting you on trial. Mortal treason? More like terminal dullness.

Melanie: Bunch of pussies needin’ a good fucking, that’s what you were.

Melanie: You should be THANKING ME for fucking you.

Melanie: What would you see when you close your eyes, if not me?

Melanie: When you hear a bump in the night, I’m the first thing you think of.

Melanie: And even when I’m gone, you won’t be able to put me out of your mind.

Melanie: You can’t contain me.

Melanie: You can’t beat me.

Noah: I’m having trouble parsing this as a plea.

Noah: You’re very cool and scary, blah blah blah, guilty or NOT?

Noah: Answer the goddamn question so I can go home and take a shit.

Noah: You know what? Never even mind! She pleads not guilty, like the lying bitch she is.

Melanie: Your hatred warms my rotten heart.

Melanie: If you didn’t have me to hate on, you wouldn’t have any meaningful opinions!

Melanie: You wouldn’t have your saggy grey hero to love and praise and fellate.

Melanie: My husband, motherfuckin’ world saviour.

Melanie: YOU DIDN’T SAVE ME, did you, asshole?!

William: No, I didn’t.

William: And now I can’t be bothered.


Aurora: Annie?! Why are you here?!
Annie: Somebody forgot to scrub my ashes out of the carpet?

Melanie: I should have skullfucked him while I had the chance.

Melanie: I refuse to recognize the authority of this court, on account of my royal prerogative!

Noah: This is a waste of time. Let the SCIA deal with her.
Jizelle: Hands up, mon chemise.

Jizelle: Come le quietly, I do not want to haff to hurt an old woman.

Melanie: You’re never going to know what it’s like to be old, crèmepuff.

Jizelle: Ou! She is trois strong, no?
Melanie: I’ve had it up to my bilious esophagus with living on other people’s terms.

Melanie: Meet me on mine, peons.

Brooke: Was I supposed to stop her? I was probably supposed to stop her.

Melanie: You’re not getting out of this, Billy Bob. It’s you and it’s me. FOREVER.

Corey: Just in case she’s wrong, let’s follow her with our guns.

William: Took you long enough.

Melanie: Where’m I gonna wake up this time? Got another swimming pool island for me to sit on? Or have you finally decided to sell me to the government for testing?
William: No more tests, Mel.

William: And when you “wake up” this time, please say “hi” to my parents for me.

Jane: I like a man who takes care of his own problems.
Theresa: I like a man who shoots his own wife! That’s a problematic fetish.

Melanie: You’ll be NOTHING without me!
William: I’ve been something way too long.

William: And so have you.

William: It’s time we gave everyone else a turn.

Melanie: You’re going to die alone.

Melanie: You’re all going to die alone.

William: If it’s good enough for them, it’s good enough for me.

Melanie: DON’T… TURN… YOUR…
William: I’ve seen you die enough times, Melanie. It’s lost its novelty.

William: …Melanie?


Melanie: I’ll…


Melanie: I’ll… BE…

You won’t.

William: I like how you let the ancient half-rotten perpetual prisoner get away. Very superheroic.

Corey: She’s still trying to say something.
William: She had her say.

William: She had her chance.

Corey: She stopped.

Corey: I think she’s gone.

William: Bit of a breeze out tonight.

Karina: I was really looking forward to putting this one on my résumé.

It’s getting late.

William: No.

William: It’s getting early.

William: There’s a difference.

Noah: Give it a kick. Just to make sure.

Keep an eye on her.

Dagmar: If we skip the state funeral, will I lose the zombie vote?

William: Old and grey and saving the day.

Melanie: YOU DIDN’T SAVE ME, did you, asshole?!

William: I think I can live with that.

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