Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
And now for something completely bait-and-switch.
Ooh, we’re getting to the real stuff now.
Why so glum?
Vicki: Because I’m going to go to jail for having been mind-controlled?
I bet nobody will have a cooler story, though!
Valerie: No, I’m Vicki’s sister, Valerie. I totally existed before this storyline.
Nick: Yep yep, that’s what she keeps telling me!
Please be upstanding for the Honourable Judge Bailey Goodwin presiding! I’m the bailiff now because apparently the bailiff bailed.
Aurora: I’m testing the fault interrupters on our hanging lamps, if you must know.
Richard: Ow! Wait. We’re doing what now?
German: Frazzle pop fizz?
German: BUZZ BUZZ CRACKLE
Richard: I’m calling this a win.
The Grim Reaper: ELECTRICAL SAFETY TESTING IS A HARSH MISTRESS
The Grim Reaper: YOU’RE MAKING IT HARD FOR ME TO RULE THIS AN ACCIDENT.
Sure why not, it’s not like there’s an accused murderer on the bench, everybody party.
Stephen: So this is what people mean when they talk about leaving a good-looking corpse!
Alvin: I want a space teleporter.
Richard: Congratulations Ms. Enriquez. You’re not the only murderer in the building now.
Richard: Still the hottest, though.
William: Can we talk about Vicki?
Bailey: We were gonna, but then my bailiff killed the defense attorney.
William: In private, I mean. Just you and me.
Bailey: Sounds above-board!
Bailey: I should warn you, though: I’m incorruptible!
Pff. Give me five minutes with her character file.
William: We can use your chambers.
Bailey: I bet you say that to all the girls. Who have chambers.
Bailey: No funny business, alright? I’ve heard about you and women.
Dagmar: What’s that triangular thing?
Oh, that’s me! Me not taking a pic without the triangular thing in it.
Dagmar: Keep it respectable, you two. You’re public servants.
Bailey: I’m more of a public savant.
William: And I try for a more pubic form of service, me.
Bailey: That’s a bit much.
William: Sexy as charged, your honour!
Dagmar: Fuck off folks, this ain’t no kegger.
Alvin: William wants me to explain some fluff to you.
Bailey: Oh, are you his fluffer?
Alvin: I don’t see how he’d need one.
Alvin: …you’ve got a chair, eh…?
Bailey: I’m a hippie. Floors are more my thing.
Bailey: Chairs are for the bourgeoisie.
Alvin: Cool so basically, those axes mind-controlled Vicki into killing those losers.
Alvin: She was just a football coach. She was swappin’ fluids with William’s dad, famous football coach-cum-general-cum-football coach Neil Sharpe. Cum.
Alvin: But he was married to Laci Phelps, Cecilia’s mom, back before we knew the Phelps women were dangerous to fuck with. Fuck around with. On?
Alvin: Laci got the house in the divorce, and Neil got the shaft, and Vicki got Neil’s shaft. And it was a big shaft.
Alvin: Which William assures me is genetic.
Alvin: Anyway Laci decided that the appropriate response to having her man stolen from her was to kick over Vicki’s garbage can every five seconds.
Alvin: And Vicki found a box of axes in her woodshed, which she also found. The woodshed. She didn’t have one intentionally. Because this wasn’t the eighteen-hundreds.
Alvin: Apparently something in her mind told her to scare Laci away with the axe, because city folk are scared of rural symbols.
Alvin: Instead, according to Bill, she felt overwhelmed with the sense that Laci was trying to steal their garbage love interest back and she had to kill her. Because that makes sense.
Alvin: I’m just including this pic because I think Neil’s dick in the background is funny.
Bailey: So you’re telling me the mystery axes told the football coach to kill her boyfriend’s wife.
Alvin: And her boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend.
Alvin: And his ex-wife’s fiancé.
Alvin: And a guy who might have seen the previous guy die.
Alvin: And a woman who might have seen him die.
Alvin: And some poor schmuck Neil brought home from work.
Alvin: And their maid.
Alvin: And an old guy who saw her off the maid.
Bailey: Yeah she sure sounds like a stable individual, no danger to herself or others.
Alvin: We think it really tore her up inside, but serial killers gonna serial kill, you know?
Bailey: Hey, mind control axes! Is that why Cecilia Phelps went nuts too?
Alvin: We don’t think so.
Alvin: We think she was just a bitch.
Alvin: Anyway after Cecilia killed her for killing her mom, the spell was broken. Vicki’s just a perfectly normal person now. Who happens to have killed half a dozen other normal people. Give or take a few.
Bailey: You’ve given me a lot to think about, Agent Whittaker.
Bailey: You’re not Michael Whittaker?
Alvin: No, he’s someone else.
Bailey: I thought it was weird that you could be a judge and a secret agent at the same time.
Alvin: Well anyway I worked really hard on this research so please let Vicki go so I get a promotion.
Aurora: Safe? Well of course it’s safe! Gimme five!
William: We really need electrician NPCs.
William: Not that I need any help getting turned on!
William: So, your honey, did the nice secret agent convince you?
Bailey: I AM IMPERVIOUS TO YOUR CHARMS DESPITE ANY EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY
Bailey: But yeah I guess if secret agents say she’s not a murderer she’s not a murderer.
William: That’s usually how it goes! I mean, look at how many people I murdered, and do you see me on trial?
Bailey: Hey, yeah. About that.
William: Man you have pretty eyes.
Bailey: Alright everybody, I’m releasing Ms. Enriquez to the SCIA.
Stephen: That’s so hot.
Dagmar: It’s so hot that he thinks that’s hot.
AURORA FOR FUCK’S SAKE
Bailey: I hope I’m doing the right thing.
William: Call me “the right thing” and find out, sugar!
Bailey: Adding a sexual dimension to this doesn’t make it feel less inappropriate.
William: Sex is basically the fourth dimension in this neighbourhood. You don’t need to add it, it’s already there.
Bailey: Promise I’m not freeing a serial killer?
William: Oh, you are. She’s just a good serial killer.
Bailey: I’mma pretend that makes it better.
Bailey: So who put the evil axes in her evil shed?
William: Who put the ram in the ramalamadingdong?
William: It’s a state secret, baby. Let me whisper it on your whisperers.
Bailey: Is that a weird slang term for lips? I learn something new every time I talk to crazy people.
William: You’re out of order!
Bailey: YOU’RE out of order!
This whole court is out of order!
Luckily it’s also empty.
William: MAN, I mack so hard it makes me FURIOUS!
This is the future liberals want.
William: Wait, no pockets?! But where do you keep your bribes?!
William: Judge me, baby.
Bailey: You’re alright.
Bailey: You seem to be under a lot of stress, though.
William: Oh, no, that’s just sexual tension.
Bailey: We probably shouldn’t be hanging around here together after hours, people might talk.
William: Let’s give ’em somethin’ to talk about?
Bailey: How about no.
William: Come on, Bailey. Statistically we’ve probably already slept together.
Bailey: I like to think of myself as an outlier.
Bailey: You’ve still got one more trial left, Mr. Governor.
William: More than one, if my life so far is any indication.
Next time: the return of the queen.