The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 289

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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If this Sim existed we would all be fucked.

Don: Wow, look who’s sleeping on the job!
Brooke: Hahaha, that’s… not even a joke, actually.

Don: Don’t mind me, just on trial for my life here!
Ember: And yet still I mind you!

Ember: I’m mindful! I’m a mindful person! I’m awake.

Don: I don’t know if I’m ready for this.
Ember: Just relax! It’ll be easy! As long as you’re pleading guilty.

Ember: You grew up well, Donny.
Brooke: That is never not disgusting.

Ember: I’M OVER A HUNDRED YEARS OLD. I knew literally EVERYBODY when they were children.

Joshua: Hey, who’s the hot old chick?

Michael: This is my employee, Jewel.
Jewel: I do things for money!
Renée: You know, I kind of figured that.

Chelsea: I grew up with this dude!
Stephen: And yet neither of them grew up!
Dagmar: Hahaha! Neither did all the children he killed.

Abigail: You know, I hear changing your entire appearance is a symptom of a midlife crisis.

Cameron: Says the bob-cut in the space-suit.
Abigail: Oh, I’m nowhere NEAR the middle of MY life yet.

Joshua: Gonna get ya! Gonna get ya dead.

Agatha: Aww, zombies. I’m sad they lost.

Agatha: Eugh, it smells like pop stars under there.



Don: Is this the part where I plead? ‘cuz I can plead real convincingly.

Renée: He seems cool. I bet he had a cool girlfriend in college.

Agatha: You plead “Not Guilty” because otherwise it was a waste of time, my getting out of bed this morning.

Agatha: And you do NOT want to waste MY time, bitches. You! Doofus! You first.

Joshua: Since apparently we don’t have a bailiff anymore, the prosecution charges Donald Brutus Macarevich with mortal treason, which is like regular treason except it’s a tournament to determine whether or not Outworld can invade us. I think.

Joshua: The court will show that the defendant is an ass, and got most of this county killed.

Joshua: He started the whole “zombie” fad because he’s an idiot, and then he ate some children.

Joshua: So yeah, best of luck to you there, princess.

Joshua: Oooh, nice, I’mma steal one of these later.

Joshua: You didn’t hear that.

Joshua: Death penalty.

Joshua: The defense is gonna go “oh, it wasn’t his fault, he was just too stupid to know what he was doing. The question YOU have to ask yourselves is: do we really need more stupid people, alive?

Joshua: I say we go all William Sharpe on his ass.

Joshua: I mean it ought to be illegal to be a bro. Never mind a zombie bro.

Joshua: We’re not the CDC. We don’t need to keep a sample of zombie assholes around in case we need to study them! I for one would really like to live in a world that doesn’t have zombie assholes walking free in it.

Joshua: Bullet in the brain. Too good for him, really.

Joshua: Unless y’all want to go back to taking your lives in your hands when you walk down the fucking street.

Joshua: ‘cuz there’s zombie undergrads from hell on every corner!


Agatha: Stop talking!

Joshua: I meant what I said about stealing this, though.

Agatha: Your turn, Sleepy Smurf.

Ember: I’ve had a hard day.

Ember: Whose trial is this anyway?

Ember: Oh god, Don. We’re doing Don. Nobody in their right mind would do Don.

Ember: And he’s had to live with that all his life. Poor guy! Cut him some slack.

Ember: His girlfriend died in a dorm fire! Dorm fires are barely even a thing. Talk about your bad luck!

Ember: It’s not like he did what he did because he’s evil. He did what he did because he’s an idiot.

Ember: I mean, just look at him! Just look at what an idiot he is.

Ember: Don’t send him to jail! Send him back to school!

Ember: Forever.

Ember: Don Macarevich is not an evil genius. He’s not smart enough to be a genius. Or even to be evil.

Ember: I really don’t like this dude.

Ember: But that’s no reason to ruin his life! Douchebaggery might be annoying but it’s not illegal.

Ember: I mean it should be! But it isn’t.

Michael: Really giving it her all, isn’t she.

Chelsea: I hope I get to testify about how big his dick is.
Stephen: Oh! I remember now! This is the dude from the first actual pic.
Dagmar: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Agatha: And I don’t fucking care.

Joshua: The court apprehensively calls Zombie Queen Melanie Lillard to the stand. The chair. No, not “the chair,” that sounds ominous. But it isn’t a stand. Anyway yeah.

Melanie: Calling me to the chair would be a much smarter decision.

Paper delivery person reunion!

It’s not great.

Joshua: I’ll dick you if we plea bargain!
Ember: Hard pass.

Joshua: So hey, why aren’t you dead?

Melanie: Because nobody really dies in comic books.

Melanie: Help my mouth won’t open.

Melanie: Go to flashback so it becomes less obvious.

Melanie: Ooh, higher production values! I like it. Anyway yeah I committed suicide for some dumb reason.
Jace Copur: -was just SO CONCERNED GUYS-

Melanie: Anyway apparently that inspired a copycat self-killer.

Melanie: Who accidentally got her much more interesting sister killed as well.

Melanie: That’s all hearsay though, so you should be objecting. Anyway next thing I know dumbass Don is calling Grimmy and asking if three thousand bucks is enough to bring back a hot chick. They decided to test it out on me instead.

Melanie: The insult wasn’t lost on me, and since it turns out three thousand bucks is exactly enough money to create a ravenous brain-monster, I reacted accordingly.

Melanie: So yeah technically fratboy over there doomed y’all.

Agatha: Three thousand bucks? You thought Sim life was only worth three thousand bucks?
Melanie: Don’t assume he thought.

Melanie: If there’s one thing I know for sure about Don it’s that his brain cells are in perfect, mint-in-box, unfoxed, unused, totally pristine condition.

Melanie: His memory card is empty. Unformatted even.



Joshua: Yeah it’s freaking me out stop it.

Joshua: So how come you get all the blame when it was Don Mahumbajumba who made you what you are? Were. Are?

Joshua: And why did you team up with him to take over the world? Was it some kind of paper delivery person blood pact?

Joshua: Is that a thing?

Melanie: Don unlocked my true potential. I was a boring character with no characterization before he brought me back as a badass tanktop zombie.

Melanie: I think he deserves a round of applause for kickstarting the only real storyline this story ever had.

Melanie: Death to the living.

Joshua: Maybe we ought to go easy on him. It sounds like he’s really crap.

Melanie: I feel like there’s a certain threshold of destruction beyond which crapulence is no longer a valid excuse.

Melanie: Good god I want to eat you all.

Melanie: I haven’t felt alive since I was dead.

Joshua: Sounds like our man Don is the patron saint of brain-eating! How nice for him.

Melanie: No, that’s me. I think of him as more of a Father of Death.

Melanie: What are you doing? What is he doing.

Joshua: Don’t even know.

Melanie: Dude! When all your pics turn out like this, you take new pics!

Joshua: Alright red, you try to get her gums flapping.

Ember: I just wanted to say what a big fan I am of how much you ruined my family.

Ember: It’s super empowering how you blame all your problems on a man instead of taking responsibility, too.

Ember: You’re like a one-woman feminist wave!

Melanie: Hahaha you bitch.

Ember: oh no now my mouth’s stuck

Melanie: Looks good on ya.

Ember: So please, o weapon of grey matter destruction, explain to me why we should blame Dr. Frankenstupid instead of the monster.

Ember: Keeping in mind that people still call you Zombie Queen and nobody calls him anything.

Melanie: I’m sorry, I forgot that ignorance of the law is apparently exception from it.

Ember: It’s illegal to talk to the Grim Reaper on the phone?

Melanie: SHOULDN’T IT BE?!

Melanie: I mean I did it a bunch of times, and anything I do has got to be evil!

Ember: Just because one person used the death phone to intentionally create zombies doesn’t mean every person who uses the death phone does! Oh god that’s tenuous.

Melanie: Face it lady. Paperboy fucked the world.

Melanie: He turned me into a monster, and I turned y’all into munchies.

Ember: I’ve lost interest.

Agatha: Me too.

Me three.

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