The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 288

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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I’ve been here the whole time, I don’t know what you’re talking about.


Cameron: I can’t be guilty! I’m a celebrity!

Ember: Get me out of here.

Ember: Alright, alright, okay, we can still salvage this. Um… can you make this somehow not your fault? I’ve got nothing.

Cameron: I could blame you? The other girls blamed their mom.

Cameron: Maybe I betrayed an entire race of living beings because my mom had too much sex? If the judge is right-wing that just might work…

Cameron: Oh no, my sadface stuck.

Cameron: Save yourself, even my mouth thinks I’m guilty.

Ember: No further energy, your honour.

Richard: Your crab impression won’t help you now!

Richard: You should try bribing me instead! Send pics.

Richard: Oh shit, that’s right, I have ethics. How come you didn’t?

Cameron: Because sometimes ethics get in the way?
Richard: Ouch! Wrong answer, Dr. Mengele!

Cameron: My hand is HUGE

Cameron: Listen how loud it slaps.

Richard: You’re not talking this very seriously, are you? Is that how you got into apocalypse-starting? A high scandal threshold?

Richard: “Ooh look at me, my nose looks like a ploughshare, I do what I want!

Evelyn: Be funnier if you’re gonna mock her.
Cameron: Or don’t mock me at all?
Evelyn: Belay that phaser order.

Cameron: Back in my day I’d have eaten you whole! Assuming you weren’t so fat back then.
Richard: There’s the soundbite I was looking for! No further armour-piercing questions, your honour.

Evelyn: Go away.
Cameron: Yeah.

Cameron: Thanks mom, I almost felt like a half-beloved family pet.
Ember: You’d be full-loved if you hadn’t shit up the neighbourhood.

Richard: Fight! Fight!

Emerson: Lake and Palmer!

I know it makes no sense, but I had to make that joke at least once.

Oh god please let this have been the first time.

Xavier: They keep saying she ate people.
Wren: I think it’s a weird sex thing.

Evelyn: Closing spiels, windbags.

Richard: This practically spiels itself.

Richard: I mean, look at her. With her underwear out. Shameless.
Cameron: Don’t insult my uniform.

Richard: Cameron Price was chosen as the Hand of Poseidon. That’s fine. But does Poseidon get to use his hand to JERK US AROUND?!

Richard: Don’t let her ugly face confuse you; she’s ugly inside as well.

Richard: The prosecuting attorney should be punished as an accessory to treason for vaginasplatting her into this world!
Evelyn: “Vaginasplatting”?!

Richard: Every time I see her every part of me wants to scream “please don’t eat my brains evil brain-eater!”

Richard: I shudder to imagine the evils she’ll eat if we let her roam free.

Richard: I mean, what’s next? If brains aren’t sacred to her, what is? She’ll be after our eggs and sperm next.

Richard: I love my sperm! I name each and every one.

Richard: Don’t touch my sperm.

Richard: Why you wanna touch my sperm?!

Richard: My sperm containers, however, are fair game.

Richard: So there you have it. She’s such a diabolic mistress of Diablo that she’d consider fondling a stranger’s balls to satisfy her perverse lust for bodily fluids.

Richard: THAT is a DOOR, strumpet!

Richard: Gibberish.

Ember: Okay! Wow. Is there a doctor in the house.

Ember: We all know Knowledge Sims are idiots. Lord knows I didn’t mean to spawn one.

Ember: Instead of having good urges like adultery or machinegunning, they want to get struck by lightning or eat people. Not normal!

Ember: But can we imprison an entire class of people just for not being normal? Great idea, HOLOCAUST RE-ENACTORS.

Ember: All these Nazis make my punchin’ arm itch.

Ember: WITH RIGHTEOUS ITCHY FURY

Ember: Please don’t put my good daughter in jail.

Ember: I mean my good original daughter. I’ve had another daughter since who might be alright.

Ember: I forgot what I was talking about. Richard’s contagious.

Ember: Just like FASCISM

Ember: I contend that the prosecution wants to curtail the cultural activities of the zombie population.

Ember: What’s next, illegalizing milk?!

Ember: STOP FANTASIZING ABOUT MY DAUGHTER AND LISTEN

Ember: We need to get over this witch-hunt attitude. Zombie-hunt. Zombie witch-hunt?

Ember: We can’t move forward as a society by looking backward! In this sense. I might need use the opposite metaphor in a different situation.

Ember: If we punish zombies for eating brains, we might as well punish lawyers for practising law! Strike that strike that. No.

Ember: What I’m saying is, you’re being racist. Now is the part where you immediately recoil and surrender.

Ember: Please recoil and surrender.

Ember: I don’t like losing.

Ember: And also I kind of like my family.

Evelyn: You made some good points there, I assume. Wasn’t listening.

Evelyn: I’mma go pretend to think on this some.

Evelyn: That’s disgusting.

Richard: I’ll show you disgusting, baby…

Melanie: Why did you jump-cut to me after that line?

No reason.

Chelsea: I think there was a reason.

Angelica: Am I crazy or did that not go well?

Wren: I don’t see why those are mutually-exclusive.

Penny: So your mom is probably going to jail.
Emerson: Like, to visit somebody?

Richard: That didn’t take long.
Evelyn: Chair’s uncomfortable.

Ember: Let’s get this over with.

Cameron: No let’s stretch this moment out forever.

Evelyn: This was a very interesting case, probably.

I’ll catch it when it comes out on video.

Evelyn: So I can fast-forward.

Evelyn: All your arguments were stupid, Foxy.

Evelyn: Yours too, fatso, but marginally less so.

Evelyn: Jail! Lots of jail! Jail for you.

Evelyn: SO much jail for you.

Cameron: But I don’t want any jail!

Nathaniel: Does this mean my bedtime is revoked?!

Emerson: HE’S GONNA PLAY HIS SHITTY MUSIC ALL NIGHT NOW

Wren: The heck are you crying for? She’s just some shitty aunt.

Angelica: This is an attack on the foundation of knowledge!
Chelsea: Right, ‘cuz zombies are big on that.

Cameron: Oh god you can see my underwear.

Ember: Oh god I saw her underwear.

Cameron: Can I get a cell by the sea? Poseidon might want to come visit me.

Cameron: Mommy has to go away for a while now, kids! Be mean to Penny for me.

Brooke: Right this way, walkin’ dead!

Ember: What happened?! I’m way smarter than this!

Ember: I’M WAY SMARTER THAN YOU

Evelyn: -shudder- Boring people.

Ember: You distracted the judge with your stupid blabbering and MY STUPID BLABBERING WASN’T AS GOOD because I’M NOT ACTUALLY STUPID

Richard: Stupid is as stupid loses, bitch.

Richard: ‘cuz you lost.

Richard: And your kid’s going to jail now.

Cameron: Aww, I am.

Xavier: MY FACE STUCK THIS WAY

Chelsea: I bet they’re gonna blame me just because my testimony was so damning.

Ember: DAMNING RIGHT I WILL!

Ember: This is all KINDS of conflicting with my self-image!

Angelica: Wait, how would your bedtime be revoked? She hasn’t lived with us for years.

Chelsea: Sorry for being so gayballs mom.

Chelsea: Hey! That makes this a hate crime!

Richard: I love my job!

Brooke: Boo! Boooo! Boo.
Richard: Woo! Woooo! Woo.

The legal system, in a nutshell.

Chelsea: BAD MOM
Ember: SELFISH BITCH
Chelsea: THAT TOO

Chelsea: I CAN’T BELIEVE I WAS IN A BAND WITH YOU

Ember: GET THAT UGLY FACE AWAY FROM ME
Chelsea: YOU GAVE ME THIS UGLY FACE!

Chelsea: So let me give you your ass in return!

Richard: I’ve made a mental tape of this for later.

Ember: Thanks for fucking up your sister’s life, Chelsea.
Chelsea: Just returning the favour, mom.

Chelsea: OLD WOMAN HIT ME

Richard: I’d certainly hit that!

Richard: Segue!

Chelsea: Segue to go, dude!

Chelsea: Mmm. It’s true what they say! Fat ugly dudes try harder.

Richard: So hard.

Ember: Oh. Great! Yes. Excellent.

Richard: To the victor goes the vag.

Ember: I AM DISPLEASED.

Chelsea: She’s just jealous. And a bitch.

Chelsea: You really know how to show a girl a good time, Mister District Attorney!
Richard: Jailing siblings, the ultimate form of negging!

Richard: Should have held out for a client, client’s sister, and client’s mother/attorney threesome.

Ember: I would PROBABLY not be down for that.

Ember: Stupid justice.

Ember: Stupid everyone but me.

Ember: Stupid genetics.

Chelsea: Stupid hormones.

Richard: Stupid is as stupid does your daughter!

Next time: broheim on trial.

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