Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
I’ve been here the whole time, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Cameron: I can’t be guilty! I’m a celebrity!
Ember: Get me out of here.
Ember: Alright, alright, okay, we can still salvage this. Um… can you make this somehow not your fault? I’ve got nothing.
Cameron: I could blame you? The other girls blamed their mom.
Cameron: Maybe I betrayed an entire race of living beings because my mom had too much sex? If the judge is right-wing that just might work…
Cameron: Oh no, my sadface stuck.
Cameron: Save yourself, even my mouth thinks I’m guilty.
Ember: No further energy, your honour.
Richard: Your crab impression won’t help you now!
Richard: You should try bribing me instead! Send pics.
Richard: Oh shit, that’s right, I have ethics. How come you didn’t?
Cameron: Because sometimes ethics get in the way?
Richard: Ouch! Wrong answer, Dr. Mengele!
Cameron: My hand is HUGE
Cameron: Listen how loud it slaps.
Richard: You’re not talking this very seriously, are you? Is that how you got into apocalypse-starting? A high scandal threshold?
Richard: “Ooh look at me, my nose looks like a ploughshare, I do what I want!“
Evelyn: Be funnier if you’re gonna mock her.
Cameron: Or don’t mock me at all?
Evelyn: Belay that phaser order.
Cameron: Back in my day I’d have eaten you whole! Assuming you weren’t so fat back then.
Richard: There’s the soundbite I was looking for! No further armour-piercing questions, your honour.
Evelyn: Go away.
Cameron: Thanks mom, I almost felt like a half-beloved family pet.
Ember: You’d be full-loved if you hadn’t shit up the neighbourhood.
Richard: Fight! Fight!
Emerson: Lake and Palmer!
I know it makes no sense, but I had to make that joke at least once.
Oh god please let this have been the first time.
Xavier: They keep saying she ate people.
Wren: I think it’s a weird sex thing.
Evelyn: Closing spiels, windbags.
Richard: This practically spiels itself.
Richard: I mean, look at her. With her underwear out. Shameless.
Cameron: Don’t insult my uniform.
Richard: Cameron Price was chosen as the Hand of Poseidon. That’s fine. But does Poseidon get to use his hand to JERK US AROUND?!
Richard: Don’t let her ugly face confuse you; she’s ugly inside as well.
Richard: The prosecuting attorney should be punished as an accessory to treason for vaginasplatting her into this world!
Richard: Every time I see her every part of me wants to scream “please don’t eat my brains evil brain-eater!”
Richard: I shudder to imagine the evils she’ll eat if we let her roam free.
Richard: I mean, what’s next? If brains aren’t sacred to her, what is? She’ll be after our eggs and sperm next.
Richard: I love my sperm! I name each and every one.
Richard: Don’t touch my sperm.
Richard: Why you wanna touch my sperm?!
Richard: My sperm containers, however, are fair game.
Richard: So there you have it. She’s such a diabolic mistress of Diablo that she’d consider fondling a stranger’s balls to satisfy her perverse lust for bodily fluids.
Richard: THAT is a DOOR, strumpet!
Ember: Okay! Wow. Is there a doctor in the house.
Ember: We all know Knowledge Sims are idiots. Lord knows I didn’t mean to spawn one.
Ember: Instead of having good urges like adultery or machinegunning, they want to get struck by lightning or eat people. Not normal!
Ember: But can we imprison an entire class of people just for not being normal? Great idea, HOLOCAUST RE-ENACTORS.
Ember: All these Nazis make my punchin’ arm itch.
Ember: WITH RIGHTEOUS ITCHY FURY
Ember: Please don’t put my good daughter in jail.
Ember: I mean my good original daughter. I’ve had another daughter since who might be alright.
Ember: I forgot what I was talking about. Richard’s contagious.
Ember: Just like FASCISM
Ember: I contend that the prosecution wants to curtail the cultural activities of the zombie population.
Ember: What’s next, illegalizing milk?!
Ember: STOP FANTASIZING ABOUT MY DAUGHTER AND LISTEN
Ember: We need to get over this witch-hunt attitude. Zombie-hunt. Zombie witch-hunt?
Ember: We can’t move forward as a society by looking backward! In this sense. I might need use the opposite metaphor in a different situation.
Ember: If we punish zombies for eating brains, we might as well punish lawyers for practising law! Strike that strike that. No.
Ember: What I’m saying is, you’re being racist. Now is the part where you immediately recoil and surrender.
Ember: Please recoil and surrender.
Ember: I don’t like losing.
Ember: And also I kind of like my family.
Evelyn: You made some good points there, I assume. Wasn’t listening.
Evelyn: I’mma go pretend to think on this some.
Evelyn: That’s disgusting.
Richard: I’ll show you disgusting, baby…
Melanie: Why did you jump-cut to me after that line?
Chelsea: I think there was a reason.
Angelica: Am I crazy or did that not go well?
Wren: I don’t see why those are mutually-exclusive.
Penny: So your mom is probably going to jail.
Emerson: Like, to visit somebody?
Richard: That didn’t take long.
Evelyn: Chair’s uncomfortable.
Ember: Let’s get this over with.
Cameron: No let’s stretch this moment out forever.
Evelyn: This was a very interesting case, probably.
I’ll catch it when it comes out on video.
Evelyn: So I can fast-forward.
Evelyn: All your arguments were stupid, Foxy.
Evelyn: Yours too, fatso, but marginally less so.
Evelyn: Jail! Lots of jail! Jail for you.
Evelyn: SO much jail for you.
Cameron: But I don’t want any jail!
Nathaniel: Does this mean my bedtime is revoked?!
Emerson: HE’S GONNA PLAY HIS SHITTY MUSIC ALL NIGHT NOW
Wren: The heck are you crying for? She’s just some shitty aunt.
Angelica: This is an attack on the foundation of knowledge!
Chelsea: Right, ‘cuz zombies are big on that.
Cameron: Oh god you can see my underwear.
Ember: Oh god I saw her underwear.
Cameron: Can I get a cell by the sea? Poseidon might want to come visit me.
Cameron: Mommy has to go away for a while now, kids! Be mean to Penny for me.
Brooke: Right this way, walkin’ dead!
Ember: What happened?! I’m way smarter than this!
Ember: I’M WAY SMARTER THAN YOU
Evelyn: -shudder- Boring people.
Ember: You distracted the judge with your stupid blabbering and MY STUPID BLABBERING WASN’T AS GOOD because I’M NOT ACTUALLY STUPID
Richard: Stupid is as stupid loses, bitch.
Richard: ‘cuz you lost.
Richard: And your kid’s going to jail now.
Cameron: Aww, I am.
Xavier: MY FACE STUCK THIS WAY
Chelsea: I bet they’re gonna blame me just because my testimony was so damning.
Ember: DAMNING RIGHT I WILL!
Ember: This is all KINDS of conflicting with my self-image!
Angelica: Wait, how would your bedtime be revoked? She hasn’t lived with us for years.
Chelsea: Sorry for being so gayballs mom.
Chelsea: Hey! That makes this a hate crime!
Richard: I love my job!
Brooke: Boo! Boooo! Boo.
Richard: Woo! Woooo! Woo.
The legal system, in a nutshell.
Chelsea: BAD MOM
Ember: SELFISH BITCH
Chelsea: THAT TOO
Chelsea: I CAN’T BELIEVE I WAS IN A BAND WITH YOU
Ember: GET THAT UGLY FACE AWAY FROM ME
Chelsea: YOU GAVE ME THIS UGLY FACE!
Chelsea: So let me give you your ass in return!
Richard: I’ve made a mental tape of this for later.
Ember: Thanks for fucking up your sister’s life, Chelsea.
Chelsea: Just returning the favour, mom.
Chelsea: OLD WOMAN HIT ME
Richard: I’d certainly hit that!
Chelsea: Segue to go, dude!
Chelsea: Mmm. It’s true what they say! Fat ugly dudes try harder.
Richard: So hard.
Ember: Oh. Great! Yes. Excellent.
Richard: To the victor goes the vag.
Ember: I AM DISPLEASED.
Chelsea: She’s just jealous. And a bitch.
Chelsea: You really know how to show a girl a good time, Mister District Attorney!
Richard: Jailing siblings, the ultimate form of negging!
Richard: Should have held out for a client, client’s sister, and client’s mother/attorney threesome.
Ember: I would PROBABLY not be down for that.
Ember: Stupid justice.
Ember: Stupid everyone but me.
Ember: Stupid genetics.
Chelsea: Stupid hormones.
Richard: Stupid is as stupid does your daughter!
Next time: broheim on trial.