Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
Enjoy this lawyerin’ hors d’oeuvre.
♪ They’ve got the moves, oh-whey-oh! ♪
Angelica: It’s so exciting to be able to pick-and-choose which family member’s trials I attend!
Cameron: I’m glad you’re enjoying this, honey. Hey, where’s the guard?
Richard: I want to fuck your genetics.
Evelyn: You want to fucking shut up.
Evelyn: Apparently my bailiff is asleep, so hi. Evelyn Guess. Judge. Case of Whatever State vs Stupid Bitch, charge of treasonous stupidbitchery.
Richard: Stupid hot bitchery, you mean!
Cameron: Flub the prosecution and I’ll let you look up my skirt.
Xavier: Why would someone want to look up her skirt?
Wren: Maybe she’s wearing funny underwear.
Evelyn: Mumble mumble guilty yes/no?
Richard: Feisty ain’t she?
Cameron: I’m neither guilty nor comfortable with this situation.
Cameron: Yeah, you’re supposed to be ambivalent, lady.
Cameron: “Disinterested” is the legal term.
Evelyn: They don’t come much more disinterested than me, ladies.
Richard: More like hot ladies, am I right?
Evelyn: Only in the sense that you are to my right. Stop gawping and start yawping.
Richard: Your honour, the state will show that Cameron Dana “She Has a Middle Name?” Price did willingly offer her entire dorm as an entrée to a horde of zombies, as an entrée to joining said horde.
Richard: See what I did there? Two different meanings of “entrée?”
Richard: Anyway whatever, your daughter’s a monster Emmy.
Richard: Can I call you Emmy? ‘cuz I’m gonna.
Richard: Your daughter, on the other hand, I’m gonna call roast toast.
Richard: She got her entire university rottified, and then brought them home to the Valley Formerly Known as Pine where they wreaked such havoc as never had before been wreaked.
Richard: If a noble local scientist hadn’t risen to the challenge and ended her evil streak, we might all be speaking Zomblish today.
Ember: Oh for fuck’s.
Richard: Oh, but she’s a slippery one! Said noble scientist ended up solving the whole “dead people” problem, and gave her back her life! Shame he missed the hundreds of other lives his new girlfriend inadvertently (and advertently!) ended.
Ember: What’s with all the neologisms?
Brooke: Neo-what? You made that word up.
Richard: This Judas goat has been living amongst us ever since, unlike the real Judas, who had the decency to hang himself! Although he wasn’t real either, he’s fictional.
Richard: A woman whose dress clips through the bench and whose hands clip through her dress just has to be evil.
Richard: I’d say “drown the witch” but I hear she breathes water. Like a witch.
Evelyn: Your turn.
Ember: I don’t know if I can follow that. I couldn’t follow most of it.
Ember: First off, yes, the accused, my client, is also my daughter. But she’s the unfavourite, you understand, so I’m being totally objective here.
Ember: Cameron Price didn’t cause the zombie apocalypse. She didn’t even make it worse. A world without Cameron Price would still be a world where Mount Noble University metaphorically adopted the zombie as its mascot.
Ember: Cameron Price had no effect on anything that happened then or since.
Cameron: You’re too kind, mom.
Ember: Every other dorm at MNU ended up infested with zombies. If anything Cameron merely accelerated the inevitable! As Mr. Connolly might put it, there was no eviting to be had.
Ember: You like that one?
Richard: Jizzing my pants as we speak.
Ember: Furthermore, the defense will show that virtually no harm became of the citizens of Pine Valley née Sharpesvale at the hands of my client.
Evelyn: I don’t think you can use “née” like that.
Ember: I didn’t think a lot of things about language before today.
Xavier: I haven’t understood a word of this.
Nathaniel: Hey hot stuff, that’s my mom they’re accusing up there.
Ember: As proof of my client’s good nature, the defense will also show how she willingly defected from the zombie cause to help in the search for a cure! What a peach.
Brooke: What a crock.
Ember: Go back to sleep, popo.
Ember: I would go so far as to say that the zombie apocalypse would never have ended without my daughter’s help. And I remind you, she isn’t even the good one!
Ember: Also she’s a mom, think of the children, blah blah blah.
Ember: Have you no decency, Mr. Prosecutor?
Richard: Nope! None.
Ember: See this ring? I’m married. To a man who got zombified and then vaporized. And if he doesn’t blame me for what my daughter did, how can we blame her?!
Richard: You must be speaking French again, ‘cuz I’m lost.
Ember: Cameron Price overcame her Knowledge Sim personality and actually helped people. If you need proof of that, look at what she did during the apocalypse! Ate cookies and fucked ugly dudes.
Ember: Who among us would have the courage to fuck those ugly dudes ourselves?
Ember: For shame.
Richard: For sizzle!
Richard: Can I smell your cleavage.
Ember: You can not.
Richard: I’m gonna be eyefucking you both, all the way to her execution.
Ember: Well that’s horrifying.
Evelyn: Make with the witnessing, lawyer people!
Richard: Your honour, the state calls GASP! PLOT TWIST! Chelsea Price, sister of the accused!
Brooke: Dude wants you.
Chelsea: They always do.
Brooke: You’re definitely the better one.
Ember: I have my rubric, you have yours.
Chelsea: Sorry sis, I was planning to blow the judge for you but I’m not muffdiving for nobody.
Cameron: Thanks Chelsea.
Richard: Wow, you made that?! You shouldn’t be a lawyer, you should be a state-sponsored baby factory!
Ember: I’d call you a straw chauvinist, but even straw doesn’t chafe this much.
Richard: So hey, why’s your sister a lunatic?
Richard: Or should we discuss it over dinner.
Chelsea: Farewell dinner, maybe.
Richard: Come on, sweetheart –
Richard: – give us some dirt on that dirty, dirty sibling of yours!
Chelsea: She tried to kill me, for starters.
Chelsea: By neglecting to inform me that she’d invited friends over.
Chelsea: For dinner.
Chelsea: And I wasn’t just being rhetorical with that “for starters.”
Richard: Do tell!
Chelsea: I will do!
Richard: Chelsea Price: She Will Do.
Chelsea: That’s what mom always said, anyway.
Richard: Awesome family, am I right.
Ember: Can we hurry this along?
Chelsea: Sure! Her crimes sound worse sped-up.
Chelsea: SHE FUCKING TURNED ME INTO A ZOMBIE.
Chelsea: And grey skin did not complement my ensemble, I’m telling you.
Chelsea: …OUTFIT, you idiot. It means OUTFIT.
Chelsea: Anyway yeah I hate her a bit.
Richard: But who could hate the lovable huggable Cameron Price? Friend to man and beast?
Chelsea: Men and beasts are assholes.
Richard: I’d like to remind the court that Chelsea here is a war hero! RAT-A-TAT-A-TAT! She shot a suspected zombie with a machine gun! And it counts even though she was wrong ‘cuz we just acquitted her.
Richard: Wow, talk about good twin / evil twin!
Chelsea: It’s some serious Twin Peaks shit, let me tell you.
Chelsea: I’m also mad at people who don’t watch Twin Peaks.
Richard: They don’t know what they’re missing.
Richard: Your daughter, counsellor.
Chelsea: So they say.
Ember: Wow, you’re making this too easy! Sibling rivalry much?
Ember: Face it, you’re just jealous of Cameron’s awesome life.
Chelsea: Pff. I live in her house, I fuck her husband. What’s left to be jealous of?
Chelsea: I bet even her kids like me better.
Ember: I don’t intend to ask them.
Chelsea: You’re defending her because she’s the “good” one, no matter what else you say. You don’t like me because I’m too much like you. Which is totally fair.
Ember: This is not how I storyboarded this conversation.
Chelsea: Cameron’s a selfish bitch, just like the Murphy girls. And soon they’ll have matching outfits and a shared address.
Chelsea: No further questions, I suspect, your honour.
Theresa: Next hour I’m gonna lean to the left.
I wish more people would.
Evelyn: I’m sorry to say you can go.
Chelsea: I’m still pissed, I might have to write a tell-all book.
Richard: I’ll be your first customer. Oh, yeah, right, bee-tee-dubs: the state calls Melanie Lillard, Her Royal Zombiness herself.
Ember: Bye Chelsea! Don’t trip and die!
Chelsea: It’s funny how much I didn’t like spending years as a corpse, huh?
Wren: I think they’re a teensy bit mad at each other.
Brooke: An audience is requested, your ghastliness.
Chelsea: Can I coach her? I just thought of some more shit I’d like to dish.
Penny: I thought Ember was supposed to be some awesome lawyer.
Emerson: I think the issue is client-side.
Melanie: Love the hair, Chel! Covers the brainpan scars nicely.
Richard: Enh? Enh? Zombie Queen! Enh? Cool, right?
Ember: Yes, let us bask in the presence of our local mass-murderess.
Richard: That mohawk is crunk, baby.
Richard: So I hear Cameron was a shitty zombie. That true, your obnoxiousness?
Melanie: Shit NO! She was a vital part of our operation! Operation: Fuck the Living.
Cameron: I knew that name would come back to haunt us.
Cameron: Are you taking panty shots while I’m on trial?!
So few outfits show them! It was a target of opportunity.
Cameron: Promise me you’ll bring me back if I die.
Can’t help you, honey. Your entire life is in my past.
Evelyn: Trial happening over here.
Melanie: Ooh, ooh, and then there was the time she murdered Kaylynn to steal her boyfriend!
Melanie: That was good times.
Melanie: She used an axe, like a boss. A boss lumberjack.
Melanie: I’m torn about that one, ‘cuz on the one hand Kaylynn was my heavy-hitter, but on the other hand it was a damn fine example of villainy.
Richard: Can we get a flashback shot?
Melanie: Oh, and then she fucked Don but killed him for fucking Chelsea.
Melanie: It was like a daytime soap opera but entertaining.
Melanie: Don’t leave, I’m enjoying this!
Richard: Good luck with the damage control, coppertop!
Melanie: I can’t wait to hear your defusal strategy.
Ember: CAN’T YOU EVEN BE GOOD TO YOUR FELLOW BAD PEOPLE
Ember: Why are you such a cunt, Melanie? You weren’t a cunt when you were the papergirl! You weren’t a cunt when you went to university! Did you hit some kind of ultra-puberty where you became nothing but a filthy cunt?!
Melanie: I’ll have you know I’m a healed and reformed citizen of the world, Mrs. Fox-Murphy, and I just can’t be party to the kind of horrific horrificness your douchey daughter did.
Melanie: I was a victim. You get that? My personality was altered when Don brought me back as a zombie. Getting eaten doesn’t do that. Understand? Your daughter was a bitch naturally.
Ember: Oh please. I won’t be lectured on morality by Yesterday’s Most Wanted.
Melanie: Actually people still want me, Miss Pine Valley of Eighty Years Ago.
Melanie: Face it, you Gen 1 shits are on the way out, and it’s people like your precious boycut tomboy who started the general ushering.
Cameron: I don’t remember ushering anybody…
Richard: This is awesome, it’s like the prosecution gets two turns and the defense gets bupkis.
Richard: Since Emmy’s crying in the corner, the state rests easy.
Melanie: It’s been fun, plebs.
Evelyn: It totally has.
Evelyn: Call your first witness, Mom of the Year.
Chelsea and Melanie: *aren’t moving their mouths so they don’t get dialogue*
And yet I’ll break that rule almost immediately.
Ember: The defense calls Cameron Price to the stand with considerable trepidation.
It is a boycut!
And it’s hot.
Ember: Okay Ember, you can do this. You’re a Romance Sim, your job is talking up the many benefits of cunts!
Ember: Cameron, isn’t it true that we’d all be dead without you?
Cameron: Oh, totally. Andrew tested the zombie juice on me first to see if I’d melt.
Cameron: I didn’t melt.
Cameron: Is not melting a noble thing to have done?
Cameron: ‘cuz I not-melted the fuck out of not melting!
Ember: I thought you helped Andrew with the cure.
Cameron: What? No. I ate his girlfriend, though!
Ember: “I ate his girlfriend though.”
Cameron: Well I did!
Cameron: Ooh! Ooh! I only ate a few brains at MNU, though.
Cameron: Mostly stupid people’s, judging by the stringy texture and bland taste.
Ember: You’re going to jail, honey.
Cameron: I am, am’t I?
Cameron: Hahahaha I’m fucked.
Cameron: And also I just realized I’m evil.
Next time: further discovery and further discoveries!