The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 286

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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Now with correctly-coloured borders.

Be honest, you didn’t notice.

Joshua: Hey there, hot stuff! I sure hope you’re old enough for me to say that to you.

Joshua: Is she old enough for me to say that to her?
Hobart: I wouldn’t know, I’m not an asshole.

Joshua: I am!

Joshua: So hey, in your own words, why was it a good idea to collude with the enemy?

Joshua: Which is what you did.

Faith: The zombies weren’t my enemy. I was a knowledge seeker, and so were they! They just took a more… culinary approach.

Faith: I might have overestimated how much their love for brains was academic.

Faith: A Knowledge Sim’s job is to learn stuff! I wanted to learn what it was like to rot, but you normally have to do something sorta permanent for that.

Faith: Verdict, by the way: rotting is GROSS.

Joshua: Did it ever occur to you that the rest of us might not be interested in finding that out firsthand?

Faith: Admittedly the rest of you don’t enter into my calculations very often.

Joshua: I get you. Sometimes I’m really inconsiderate too! Steal parking spots at the mall, set my text message ringtone to that annoying whistle.

Joshua: It’s my understanding, however, that nobody has ever died from those things. Okay, maybe the whistle, but those exploding heads were never conclusively linked to me.

Joshua: BOOM! Hahaha. Seriously though, did you even consider the effects of your action queue?

Joshua: Or were you all like “ooh look at me in my pretty dress and my pretty communism“?

Joshua: What a hot mess you are.

Joshua: I don’t even want to talk to you anymore.

Karina: …I feel like I should object, but I don’t even know what that was.

Karina: I wasn’t even prepared for it to be my turn yet.

Joshua: I just really hate teenagers.

Hobart: Please say or do something, Ms. Lawson.

Karina: Fine. Defense calls the other one.

Faith: I’mma call you that from now on.

Joshua: Bad girl.

Karina: I remember what it was like to be a teenager. Theoretically! I was premade as an adult.

Karina: What teenage girl considers the consequences of her actions? We wouldn’t have things like Twilight or the WB or teen pregnancy, and then where would we be?

Karina: I’ll bet you didn’t even realize what you were doing. You have that kind of glossy-eyed, vacant expression to you.

Karina: I have to make this into a question, so: you! Shortsighted! Yes?

Yvonne: Nearsighted, you mean, yeah. I’m surprised you can spot a prescription from that distance!

Yvonne: That was a smart person joke.

Yvonne: I mean ooh ooh I feel so bad ’bout what I done.

Yvonne: I definitely didn’t know I’d get arrested for this.

Yvonne: Which is why I don’t feel remorse.

Karina: …you mean you… didn’t do anything wrong, right? Not that you’re a sociopath.

Yvonne: Sure, whatever. I don’t really care what you think.

Yvonne: I mean heck, why are your opinions worthwhile? You almost all died. So weak! Sad.

Karina: …that sounded like Trump.
Yvonne: The game show host?

We’re only up to 2012 here, people.

Karina: You were just trying to educate the Sim race, right? That’s a good thing I think.

Yvonne: No. Other people being smart makes me sad. I wanna be the only smart one.

Karina: I give up.

Joshua: Nice work! I feel like I should be paying you.

Joshua: You wanna keep digging that hole, or should I tear you a new one?

Joshua: Okay, that’s enough talk about teenage holes.

Faith: More than enough.

Andrew: He might be a pervert, but he’s still putting them both in the electric chair.
Faith: Moral support, guys?

Joshua: So when you decided to hire killers, were you just trying to kill your family?

Joshua: Or were you going for a worldwide epidemic? Or somewhere in between.

Karina: Objection! The prosecution is assuming the disastrous consequences of my clients’ actions were intentional instead of, uh, just… kinda unfortunate and bad.

Joshua: I’m sorry, have they not made their guilt clear enough already? I can let them run their mouths off a bit more if you want.

Hobart: I wish I’d never been Create-A-Simmed.

Joshua: I’ll take that as an “overruled.” So, honey, how ’bout it? How apocalyptic was your garden.

Joshua: My money’s on “pretty apocalyptic.”

Joshua: Why aren’t you responding? Is it because I have so many pics with my mouth moving?

Joshua: I’m all out of rant, dammit!

Joshua: DUDE.

I wasn’t sure what the script was, I wanted to get lots of extra shots!

Hobart: I think she’s Blue Screened. Good job mate.

Karina: The defense rests. Because it needs it.

Joshua: Boom! Headshots.

Faith: We can’t stop! I don’t feel innocent yet!

Yvonne: I move the prosecution be disregarded on grounds of fugliness.

Yvonne: Hopefully we roll a Want to “Get the Electric Chair.”

Faith: You just froze up! What the fuck was that?
Yvonne: We’re supervillains, sis. Own up to it.

Hobart: Closing statements, Lawsons.

Hobart: Boy Lawson first.

Joshua: As it should be! Girls suck.
Yvonne: Guilty!
Faith: What?!

Joshua: Your honour, the state has shown… nah, the defendants have shown the defendants to be a pair of morally-reprehensible jerkpeople.

Joshua: They knowingly called a zombie hole on the phone, in spite of its incredibly-low Yelp! rating.

Hobart: Then they invited zombies over to their house. My stupid sister says they didn’t know what would happen next. Right! Because being ignorant is totally a Knowledge Sim thing.

Faith: My face is stuck like this!
Joshua: The face of guiltiness!

Joshua: Build a prison and full it with Murphy girls, I say.

Joshua: Better yet, fill the foundation with them.

Joshua: Better yet yet, don’t! Because they’re unstable.

Joshua: And not in the “not my fault I’m crazy” sort of way, in the “Republican Party” kind of way.
Aurora: Oof, that’s harsh.

Joshua: “Undead” is a ridiculous misnomer. Zombies are dead. These chicks killed half the county.

Joshua: Indirectly, you might say! Well, fine! Kill them with indirect current, then.

Joshua: But definitely kill them.


Hobart: Yeesh.

Karina: Your honour…
Hobart: Didn’t say it was your turn yet.
Karina: Oh.
Hobart: Okay, it’s your turn.
Karina: …Forgot what I was gonna say.

Karina: Oh, yeah. Your honour, my clients are completely innocent!
Faith: Not true! We’re practically world-weary!
Yvonne: Shut up shut up!

Karina: It wasn’t illegal at the time to call a zombie on the phone. Look it up!

Yvonne: It wasn’t? I didn’t know that!
Faith: Shut up shut up!

Karina: The prosecution is just out for blood.
Joshua: Better than brains! BAM.

Karina: Furthermore this trial wouldn’t be happening if my clients weren’t Maxis-skinned.
Yvonne: I’m not sure I like where this is going.

Karina: As a person of bad skintone myself, I feel for these girls.

Karina: And what about zombie rights? Why can’t they have self-determination?

Karina: The defense has shown that Faith and Yvonne Murphy didn’t know what they were doing, and even if they did, they were just helping to raise up a traditionally-downtrodden race of mythological beings.

Karina: We should be giving them a MEDAL! Well, two medals. One each. So they don’t have to share.

Karina: Don’t hate them because they’re Knowledge Sims. It’s not their fault. They just rolled that way.

Karina: I think that went well.

Hobart: Cool. I’ll be in my chambers playing Game Boy and deliberating.

Hobart: It helps me think, don’t judge.

Hobart: Because I’m the judge.
Oliver: Think he’s talking DMG-001 or maybe an Advance SP?
Stewart: Are those sex toys?

Hobart: Grey brick all the way baby.

Hobart: Also this case is sad.

Hobart: And it’s bumming me out.

Don: Is there any zombie on my face?
Abigail: I don’t know, these aren’t actually transparent.
Stephen: And I’m squinting for some reason.

Leonard: Did they leave us in here to starve or something?

Stewart: He’s still deliberating.
Abigail: He’ll see the light. From my rayguns. If he makes the wrong decision.

Aurora: I can’t hear this.

Stephen: Hey hey, the gang’s all here!
Andrew: Maybe don’t call us a “gang” while two of us are on trial, dad.
Stephen: Don’t talk to me, dad murderer.
Leonard: Just like the good old days!
Oliver: I don’t remember any “good old days.”
Kyle: They happened before you were born. There’s a correlation there, too.

Oliver: Should that guy be walking around?
Stewart: Aren’t you friends? Talk him down if he tries anything.
Oliver: Friends?! He ate my brains!
Don: Yeah, but I didn’t enjoy them.

Don: We all know whose brains taste best.
Abigail: They’re well-seasoned, I’ll admit!

Karina: Oh good, these stupid shoes suck.
Don: Mmm, look! It’s the mayor! Of my heart.
Karina: These people suck too.

Hobart: I have reached the same conclusion, yes.

Hobart: Well ladies, you really fucked up, didn’t you.

Hobart: Try as I might, I can’t find anything particularly admirable about genocide.

Hobart: On that note I’m not completely on-side with how the SCIA handled the whole “zombie” situation.

Hobart: State-sponsored ethnic cleansing aside (can’t believe I had to say that), you damn kids and your rock and roll and your zombies really grind my gears.

Faith: Whew! Somebody’s old is showing!
Stewart: I don’t think I even have gears!
Don: I feel like I’m on his lawn.

Hobart: The point is, what you did was unforgivable. The state allows me to find you guilty and sentence you to death, which, frankly, is also unforgivable.

Hear hear.

Hobart: Some of my best friends are Knowledge Sims, but that’s not true, nobody likes Knowledge Sims. I’m not a racist.

Hobart: I’m unclear on what races are in the context of this game.

Hobart: Anyway you got me really steamed, and I’m normally one tame kettle.

Hobart: But this kettle is calling both of you pots black. That’s not a racial thing. It’s a you’re guilty, go to jail forever thing.

Hobart: Bye?

Karina: You didn’t get the chair, I call it a draw.

Yvonne: How many days is forever?
Leonard: They ain’t guilty, they’re my sisters! I think.
Oliver: Why are you all surprised? You’re either stupid or evil.
Andrew: That’s not fair. We’re mostly good people. Except mom.
Stephen: Hey!
Andrew: And dad.
Kyle: Do you have to mention incarcerated siblings on your résumé?

Yvonne: I can’t go to jail, I’m too solipsistic!
Faith: You people probably can’t even spell that! I can.

Yvonne: Please help me sustain the illusion that this is unfair.

Faith: That’s what shared genetics are for…

Joshua: Don’t drop the soap, ladies!
Yvonne: That’s a dude thing.
Joshua: Is it? I don’t understand it at all, actually, I just know it’s a thing you say.

Joshua: I’ll just default to “hahaha your lives are over” then.
Faith: Simple but effective.
Yvonne: And accurate.

Yvonne: And the stupidest thing is, our fucking lives were already over.

Joshua: Seven out of nine spectators agree: aww we’re sad now! Pretty good ratio.

Joshua: Congratulate me on their misery, sis.

Karina: It’s good misery.

Stewart: Just for that I won’t have sex with you now.

Joshua: Feels good to put evil-doers behind bars.

You mean it feels good to win arguments with your sister.

Joshua: Yeah, honestly I’m not too fussed about evil.

Don: Any family notes you want me to pass along?
Stewart: Pff. You’re not going to jail. You’re going to hell.
Oliver: Good one!
Don: Redundant one, more like! Already been there.

Don: Hey baby, want to come back to my cell and inspect my collection of infernal whip gashes?

Abigail: Where did we go wrong?
Stephen: Procreating.

Stephen: But that’s just collectively. Individually you went wrong marrying me, and I went wrong being a total jackwad.

Abigail: I still have residual hormonal affection for you despite your general abhorrence.
Stephen: I think abhorrence is a self-reflexive word.
Abigail: I knew there was something I liked about you.

Next time: a fishy trial.

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