The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 285

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Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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The Trial of a Century!

No, not “the” Century, “a” Century! That’s how long it’s taking.

Aurora: I got the Murphy man!
Stephen: You sure did!

I wanted to see how he sees the world.

Turns out he doesn’t.

Joshua: Mr. Murphy, did your daughters get you turned into a zombie or not? Hint: they did.

Stephen: In their defense it mattered so little to me that I forgot they existed.

Stephen: I think the pursuit of knowledge is a good thing! I mean who died in the Zombie Apocalypse anyway? Boring people mostly.

Stephen: Everyone makes mistakes. Except me.

Faith: That’s my dad! Whether he remembers it or not.

Stephen: Anyway I was a pretty hapless dude, I’d probably have gotten eaten pretty quick even if they hadn’t invited a monster into my house.

Stephen: I think the dude who bit me was also a Stephen? Or maybe there’s a Stephen who looks like him? Anyway fate.

Stephen: Why are you letting me go on like this?

Joshua: ‘cuz it’s funny.

Stephen: Long story short, I don’t blame my daughters for totally getting me killed.

Stephen: I mean when you think about it, it was really my son who killed me. With a raygun. Because I was a zombie.

Stephen: Don’t try him either, that was legit.

Karina: I have no idea how this is going to turn out.

Joshua: Yes or no, Mr. Murphy: did your daughters invite zombies into your house?
Stephen: I don’t know! I don’t wiretap our phones! That was Abigail’s hobby.

Joshua: So, how many children did your daughters place at risk when they invited zombies into your home?
Yvonne: That can’t be a fair question.

Stephen: Let’s see. There was Lyle… or maybe Lyle was dead at that point? And Andrew… he might have moved out. He might have been an adult. I think he had a beard. And there was Orville and Frederick and little baby Leland… and at least half a dozen others. Yeah.

Joshua: …only one of those is a real person.

Stephen: Ask Abigail then.

Stephen: Look, I’ve been a shitty dad since I got Romance for a Secondary Aspiration, alright?

Stephen: Am I expected to remember shit that happened eighty years ago? Sheesh.

Joshua: I think we’ve proven that your whole family sucks, so, mission accomplished! All yours sis.

Karina: I don’t want to talk to this dude, he’s skeevy.
Joshua: Hard-working as always, eh?

Karina: Mr. Murphy, is it or is it not true that oh my you’re attractive.

Stephen: I would say both, yes.

Karina: Alright, admit it. The zombie apocalypse was your fault.
Joshua: That’s it, Kar! Come out swingin’!

Stephen: I can confidently say that I probably would have remembered that.

Karina: You can’t even remember the names of your kids. You think that might have played a part in their massive attention-grabbing armageddon ploy?

Stephen: I don’t even have parents, and you don’t see me trying to end the world.

Stephen: Anyway I was under a lot of pressure when they were growing up! I was a senator! And also having an affair.

Karina: Why would you just admit that, you tool?

Karina: …anyway here’s a question: those lovely dresses they’re wearing. Who paid for them?

Karina: ‘cuz the store says they were bought with your credit card, chump.

Karina: So were you in on the plan, or were you such a shitty parent that your kids were able to drive your car to the mall and buy suicide pact clothing with your money without your knowledge?

Stephen: …what?

Stephen: I didn’t know that. I didn’t know any of that.

Karina: That’s enough of this guy, your honour.

Stephen: I feel like a dick now!
Hobart: You are a dick.

Joshua: The state calls Abigail Young!
Aurora: And it calls her in such a manly tone!

Joshua: You finished?
Aurora: Give me a sec.

Stephen: That’s so neat offscreen!
Abigail: And so funny offscreen!

Aurora: I found this weird robot.

Joshua: Were you just swooning?

Abigail: I haven’t figured out how to turn my biological impulses off yet. But I am trying.

Abigail: What am I doing here? I don’t want to testify against my daughters, and I sure as hell can’t testify for them.

Abigail: The stupid bitches.

Joshua: You’re hot when you’re hot.

Abigail: Look. My kids got a lot of people eaten. But most of them got better!

Abigail: And nobody misses the ones who didn’t.

Faith: That’s true! I bet.

Joshua: So you’re suggesting that killing people is okay, and this is something you would have imparted to your daughters?

Abigail: I’mma stop you right there. You’re talking to one-half of the Simmy Prize for Science-winning team that stopped the brain buffet.

Joshua: So your intelligence gives you the right to decide who lives or dies? Is that a Knowledge Sim thing, or just a your family thing.

Abigail: Teenagers experiment. That’s all I’m gonna say.

Abigail: Why you letting him walk all over me?

You’re a stronger character than I am, Abby. Dig yourself out of this.

Abigail: I didn’t teach my daughters to undervalue life. I don’t think I taught them anything.

Abigail: So maybe I was a terrible mother, that doesn’t mean oh wow I just realized I was a terrible mother.

Abigail: What they did was just a cry for attention. They didn’t start the chain reaction, they just… catalyzed it?

Abigail: Okay that still sounds pretty bad.
Hobart: It really does.
Faith: Hey, thanks mom!

Abigail: I DON’T THINK THEY MEANT TO BE MASS MURDERERS

Joshua: Okay, I’m getting sick of winning. Your turn sis.

Abigail: I hope you have a great plan, lady.
Karina: I do, but you’re not gonna like it.

Karina: Put that shit away.

Karina: You’re supposed to be an adult.

Abigail: I was a teenager pretty recently.

Karina: So you’re saying you aren’t very mature, huh?

Abigail: That is definitely not a thing I would say.

Karina: I can see you put a lot of work into that sexy science suit! What other things have you done to avoid raising your children?

Karina: Other than William Sharpe, I mean. I hear you did him a bunch.

Karina: True or false: neither you nor your husband did shit to develop your children’s moral fundament?
Faith: Very true.

Abigail: Maybe Stephen did? I was ignoring him too.

Abigail: So you’re saying it’s my fault they were stupid enough to invite zombies over for dinner?

Abigail: I did the biological part. I expected other people to pick up the slack.

Karina: Of course you did! And your husband was a great stay-at-home dad, right? Not prone to banging redheads and forgetting his children’s names or anything?

Karina: Totally the right kind of dude to teach them right from wrong, am I right?

Abigail: Okay, so I picked a terrible wife.

Abigail: I thought he’d take care of them! He’s a freakin’ FAMILY SIM, isn’t he? It’s not my fault the Maker played him wrong.

Karina: I guess it didn’t occur to you guys that a SENATOR and a MAD SCIENTIST might raise some SERIOUSLY screwed-up children?!
Joshua: She’s even hotter when she’s chastised!

Karina: Thanks for saving the world, Ms. Young! Thanks for saving it from your own fuckup.

Joshua: Objection! My sister is just doing some catty catfight thing.

Abigail: Hokay, alpha man, I do not need your help here.

Hobart: Seriously dude, join the twenty-first century already.

Hobart: You frikkin’ people.

Abigail: I concede that maybe not having time for children should be a barrier to having children.

Abigail: But making the world a better place was worth inadvertently making it a worse place! Oh Christ what am I saying.

Karina: More than enough. Back to you, Josh!

Andrew: Well that was hard to watch.
Oliver: I hope dad heard some of that.
Kyle: Is it sexist to blame a woman for her husband being a bad wife? I think it is but it’s really hard to parse.

Kyle: It’s not mom’s fault dad was useless.
Andrew: No, but unlike him, she has the self-awareness to realize that he was useless.

Oliver: Doesn’t everyone have a right to their career?
Andrew: Maybe not a career and eight children, though.
Kyle: Wow, they got up to eight?!

Hobart: You’re free to go, Ms. Young. I’m sorry your husband was terrible at swapping gender roles with you.

Abigail: That gives me a GREAT idea for a science experiment.

First fix whatever awful thing your arm is doing.

Joshua: The state calls STOP TALKING BEHIND ME ALREADY. The state calls Leonard Murphy.

Yvonne: Who the hell is Leonard Murphy?

Faith: I think I remember stepping on him once?

Joshua: Glad you could join us, Mr. Murphy! I’m going to call you Leonard, to distinguish you from the other half-dozen Mr. Murphies.

Joshua: So hey! How did your sisters fuck up your life.

Leonard: I don’t remember. I was a baby.

Joshua: But wise beyond your years, am I right?

Leonard: No. You are NOT right. I was a BABY.

Leonard: I remember people making face noises.

Leonard: Language skills aren’t retroactive.

Stewart: Where was I during all of this?

From what I can see, even back then I didn’t like focusing on you.

Kyle: It sounds like being dead was a good call by me!
Oliver: Didn’t you burn to death accidentally?
Andrew: Do people burn to death on purpose?

Joshua: Hahaha religion.

Leonard: Ew! No.

Leonard: Look man, I don’t know what to tell you. Toddlerhood was the only part of my life I paid less attention to than teenhood.

Joshua: Aw, come on! You saw your parents get eaten. A body doesn’t forget that shit!

Joshua: gory details pls

Leonard: I don’t remember anything! Except for the cat. I was hugging the cat. I miss that cat.

Leonard: Okay there was a smell. Not a great smell.

Leonard: And my dad getting eaten. Other than that I remember nothing.

Leonard: Holy shit I remember my dad getting eaten.

Joshua: Your traumatized witness, sis.

Karina: So now you remember the most important things you ever saw? THAT’S real fuckin’ convenient.

Leonard: If you want these memories, you can have them.

Leonard: Man, I liked being able to sleep at night.

Karina: You’ve been asleep your whole life, buddy.

Karina: I’m so glad we dignified this toddler testimony!

Karina: We should have resurrected the cat and asked her what she remembers!
Joshua: Objection! The cat was male.

Hobart: Seriously.

Karina: Any anyway, didn’t you get hit by a car and die? How reliable is your brain now.

Leonard: I live in a constant state of uncertainty and fear.

Leonard: Thank you for reminding me.

Karina: I’d just like to thank the prosecution for creating a new type of evidence even less admissible than hearsay.

Karina: Mom would be so proud.

Karina: Just like Ms. Young, who is almost certainly proud of what her neglect forced her poor innocent daughters to do.
Faith: Hey, we were never “poor.”

Karina: Ultimately, how does the defense respond to Leonard Murphy’s incisive and damning testimony?

Karina: What testimony.

Joshua: Pretty snotty sis.

Joshua: The prosection rests. Comfortably. Stylishly.

Hobart: Go back to bed, kid.
Leonard: Thank GOD.

Hobart: Your turn, Ms. Lawson. Please salvage today.

Oliver: I think the judge is on our side!
Stewart: Is our side the one that wants the zombie collaborators to go free? ‘cuz I don’t think I’m on our side if that’s the case.

Karina: The state calls Faith Murphy to the stand.
Yvonne: How come you get to go first?
Faith: Primogeniture.

Faith: No way this can go wrong!

Karina: Okay, Faith: would you describe your mother as a mother?

Faith: That’s sexist. You should be asking if I’d define my mother or my father as a mother! And the answer is no.

Faith: We were raised by robots.
Joshua: Objection! That’s the younger kids.
Faith: Well I can’t be expected to remember this convoluted story!