The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 284

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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In which I am the law.

Hey, new courtrooms!

Dagmar: That’s what happens when the old ones blow up.

You’re out late.

Dagmar: Am I? Or am I in late?

Wait, you don’t live here, do you?

Dagmar: That would be silly.

Dagmar: And, as it turns out, I am silly.

Dagmar: The awkward life of the semi-playable.

Hey! I don’t care if you are dead, get out of my backstage!


It’s only right that the courthouse should be haunted by a lawyer.

Jewel: Nice clusterfuck, folks! Very cozy.

Ah, kicky bag. I remember the nineties.

I wish I didn’t.

Wait, isn’t this William’s office?

Dagmar: He’s pretty chill with letting a woman sleep in it.

That makes sense, yeah.

Dagmar: His bathroom smells like every woman in the county.

Noelle: And if you commit a crime, we punish you!
Richard: Wow! The Garden Club sounds harsh!

Richard: What time does the lecture start?
Noelle: What lecture?


Mayor Hobo does alright.

Dagmar: Just promote me to playable already.

Have you seen how many of those I have?!

Dagmar: You fucked up the ceiling.

I always fuck up the ceiling.

Dagmar: That’s better.

It’s browner, anyway.

I remember when I was gonna do two trials simultaneously.

What a stupid idea.

Andrew: I’m still having trouble getting used to you being alive, Kyle.
Kyle: How do you think I feel?!
Andrew: I don’t think about other people’s feelings.

Leonard: I call mayor seat!
Stewart: Dammit! You’re not even old enough to mack on her!

Stephen: Whoooooah no. Whoooooooah no.
Abigail: Whoooooah no what?

Stephen: You don’t remember?!
Don: I was a different person back then! A hungrier person.

Faith: That man there has a machine gun.
Yvonne: I wonder if he knows how to use it, or if it’s just a prop. Like he is.

Aurora: Best prop ever.

Kyle: Quit it!

Oliver: Somebody in our family got engaged!
Andrew: That could be half the neighbourhood.
Kyle: Yeah man, deets!

Abigail: How do you think I feel? He ate me!
Don: Not in the gross way! Well… in the… more normal gross way.

Leonard: What is this plotline anyway, Revenge of the Tertiary Characters?!

You’re here, aren’t you?


Aurora: Keep it down for the Honourable Judge Hobart Darwin Fairchild presiding, case of Wallawallock State vs. Faith and Yvonne Murphy, charge of high school treason!
Hobart: Less death this time, okay, guys?

Hobart: You ready to use that thing if necessary?
Cory: Say the word and I’ll shoot a baby, buddy.
Hobart: What word is that? Just so I don’t accidentally say it.

Hobart: Well this was planned well…

Hobart: Now I feel like I’m surrounded by Death Stars.

Hobart: Misses Murphy, you are accused of basically causing half of the Zombie Apocalypse. How do you plead?

Yvonne: The lights just went off.
Faith: That’s your plea?!

Yvonne: They’re on again.
Faith: Thanks for the play-by-play, chief!

Hobart: Seriously though how do you plead.

Faith: Not fuckin’ guilty!
Yvonne: Not guilty as shit!

Faith: You’re guilty!
Yvonne: Of sucking!

Hobart: Cool! Let’s hear it, Mister Prosecutor.

Joshua: Teens! Basically guilty by default!

Joshua: Just look at them! They bought matching dresses for their family murder plan!
Faith: That was pretty suspicious of us.

Joshua: The state alleges that these two boring women were so boring they were willing to get us all killed for a Knowledge fix.

Joshua: I’m ashamed to be related to the defense attorney in this case.
Karina: Right back atcha bro!

Joshua: A finding of “Not Guilty” is a finding in favour of letting Knowledge Sims eat our brains!

Joshua: We need to protect our brains.

Yvonne: I would totally eat that guy’s brains.

Karina: Your honour-
Hobart: Didn’t say it was your turn yet.
Karina: …oh.
Hobart: Okay, it’s your turn.

Karina: Your honour, we all did stupid things when we were younger.
Corey: You sure about that? Most of us never were younger.

Karina: Shut up and also, it’s only natural for teenagers to want to learn about the natural world! Zombies are natural. I’m pretty sure. Aren’t they natural? Who can say.

Karina: These girls made a mistake.
Yvonne: We did it on purpose, though.
Faith: Shut UP shut UP…

Karina: The defense will show that this was nothing more than a youthful indiscretion, and nothing that can be punished by law, because children are the future yada yada yada.

Karina: Also they have Maxis skintones so it’s probably racist to try them.

Faith: Wow! Two white girls, somehow playing the race card! Neat.

Yvonne: Is there nothing we can’t appropriate?!

A miscarriage of justice! Or integers, at least.

Hobart: As the defendants are teenagers, I’ve been asked to make sure they understand the gravity of these proceedings. Because teenagers are dumb.

Hobart: You get that I can totally zap the life out of you for this, right?

Hobart: I mean not me personally, and also the death penalty is awful so I won’t, but you get the picture. Right? Do you get the picture. And also how do you plead?

Yvonne: Whatever? I mean we were already dead.
Faith: Right?

Faith: I was just getting used to it!

Yvonne: You were? I was still having trouble with the whole “neverending torment” thing.


Yvonne: Let’s get this circus in the ring!

Hobart: Okay, wow, you’re rude. Opening statement again, Mister Prosecutor? ‘cuz it crashed.

Joshua: Your honour, I really hate saying things twice.

Technically since it crashed you didn’t say it yet.

Joshua: Well technically fuck youuuu!


Joshua: Blah blah blah freedom blah blah blah security…

Joshua: How are we even having a discussion about this? They fucking ruined this county.

Joshua: I bet even the defense attorney hates them, and she’s got bad taste in people.

Joshua: Lock hers up! Lock hers up!

Yvonne: I got that reference!

Yvonne: He’s quoting a bad person.

Joshua: These women couldn’t have caused more trouble if they were agents of ENTROPY!
Yvonne: That’s not nice. He’s underestimating us!

Joshua: I’m telling mom you’re defending these shits.

Joshua: It’s time to flush them.

Joshua: Why am I still talking? Am I stalling for time or something.
Faith: Maybe you’re changing your mind and you think we’re innocent!

Joshua: Death penalty. Do it.

Joshua: Kill their entire family too while you’re at it!

Joshua: And the defense attorney! And the JUDGE! KILL EVERYONE! ARRRRGH I’M SO MAD

Joshua: What were we talking about?

Hobart: …miss Lawson?

Karina: I don’t know if I can follow that kind of crazy.

Karina: Clearly the prosecution has nothing but ad hominem attacks at their disposal.
Joshua: More like ad zombinem! ‘cuz they were zombies.

Karina: These poor girls were robbed of their family and their future!
Faith: We were? I must be remembering it wrong.

Karina: We should be building our young prodigies up, not locking them up!
Faith: Wordplay! I bet it took her hours to come up with that.

Karina: The defense will prove these girls not guilty or I haven’t got a sweet-ass ass.

Stewart: Even the good lawyers are delivering bad addresses now.

What can I say? I try not to bore myself.

Karina: Faith and Yvonne Murphy were only guilty of one thing: ignorance.

Yvonne: Are we gonna sit here and take that?
Faith: I’m torn.

Karina: Look at them! They’re so stupid! Why else would they think they’re so smart!

Karina: Find them guilty of youthful indiscretion if you must, but please, let’s not talk about adult things like treason and genocide.

Karina: Nobody was talking about genocide Karina you idiot

Karina: Okay ipso facto stop picking on these girls.

Karina: Haven’t we all got an accidental apocalypse in our pasts?

Hobart: No. Mister Prosecutor, your first witness?

Joshua: Your Honour, the state calls whoever is in the next pic.

Stephen: I guess it’s me? It’s probably me.

Aurora: It’s so you.

Don: Surprise bitches, it’s me!
Karina: “Bitches”?!

Joshua: Classy entrance, Mr. Macarevich.
Don: Shit, is that my name? Wow it sounds stupid out loud!

Joshua: So tell me, in your own totally damning words, Mr. Macarevich: what led you to eat the Murphy family?

Don: Hunger, mostly. Oh, and a phone call. And an unlocked door. I have very complicated motivations sometimes.

Joshua: And how much ass did you kick once the Murphy girls invited you in?

Don: All of it.

Don: I personally ate both girls. Not in a sexual way, mind you! In a carnivorous way.

Don: I’m not a sexual predator, I’m just a predator.

Joshua: What happened next?
Don: How did you ask that with your mouth closed?

Don: Anyway what happened next was I basically doomed the entire world.

Don: I ate some shithead who then helped me eat some more shitheads!

Don: I think it was all a part of their evil teenage plan of evil!

Don: Teenagers are evil.

Karina: OBJECTION! Witness is only speculating about my clients and their evil plans!

Karina: Knowledge Sims NEVER reveal their evil plans before they’re realized!

Hobart: Sustained.
Don: Oh sure, defend the evil masterminds. Way to go, you big red poofbag.

Joshua: Can we get back to the killing?

Don: I wish!

Don: Nyeh heh heh.

Don: Sorry, yeah. Anyway I ate the mad scientist.

Don: The only person who could stop the zombie apocalypse was now a zombie! It was a great PR move.

Don: And then some kid cooked us for dinner.

Don: Luckily the world was already doomed!

Joshua: No further disastrous implications, your honour!

Don: I can tell you what genius brains taste like, if you want.

Faith: On the one hand he’s making us sound like monsters, but on the other hand he’s making us sound like supervillains, and I kinda like that.

Kyle: Hey, look! The camera’s on me.

Hobart: Your witness, counsellor! Ugh, that reminds me of Troi, I’m not gonna call you that again.

Don: How’s tricks, Legally Bland?

Don: Did I just steal a chapter title?

Yeah, but I’ll roll with it.

Karina: Do you expect us to believe that the Murphy family was the linchpin of the entire apocalypse? I’d like to remind you that Abigail Young kept working on the cure even though she was a totally gross zombie.

Don: Are you implying that her science wouldn’t have gone faster if her bits weren’t falling off?

Karina: Ew yuck! Okay, well, did the girls explicitly ask you to come over to eat them?

Don: Did I have an explicit conversation with teenagers? No. No, I did not.

Karina: So basically this was all your fault, huh.

Don: I’d love to take credit, but your race traitor clients really deserve a lot of it.

Don: And yeah we probably would have won anyway, we were pretty awesome.

Karina: Furthermore isn’t it true that by inviting you over to their home, the Murphy girls were putting a powerful zombie in harm’s way? And isn’t it true that you did, indeed, end up dead? Instead of undead?

Don: They’re evil masterminds, not good masterminds. Good luck selling the judge on your bullshit, lady.

Don: Yes, they indirectly got me killed. But results don’t imply intent. Aren’t you supposed to be a lawyer?

Don: You might as well argue that they ended the apocalypse by putting a zombie fire under their mom’s vampire ass.

Don: Wait, don’t take that-
Karina: No further questions, your honour!

Hobart: Wow, dude. You’re free to go before you screw up any harder.

Joshua: Your Honour, the state calls… A MURPHY!

Aurora: We’ll end it on a cliffhanger.

Next time: wait, this trial’s still going?

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