The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 282

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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That should probably say “Une” but I’m not fixing it.


Jizelle: So what are my rogue secret agent duties?
Corey: Kill anyone who comes through that door, for starters.

Corey: And take good care of your personal hygeine.
Jizelle: To keep up appearances?
Corey: Sure, but mostly I just don’t like stinky chicks.

Corey: You want me to like you, right?
Jizelle: I’m French. I couldn’t care less.

Jizelle: Oh Christ.
Corey: You’re up, slugger!
Kitty: I brought this inside for some reason!

Corey: Actually, I’ll do the first one, since you’ve been so accommodating.

Jizelle: I find all of zis so very inspirational!

Jizelle: Eet’s a very createev/destructeev atmosphere, you know?
Corey: Still, it’s too bad. She was kinda cute.

The Grim Reaper: SHE’LL STILL BE CUTE IN HELL.

Corey: She’s going to hell? Why not heaven?
The Grim Reaper: THERE IS NO HEAVEN. ONLY HELL.

Corey: Well THAT shoots my desire to be productive today all to… hell…

Jizelle: But you are going to go to work today, right? To your covair job? As a… zecret agent…?

Corey: Yes, my cover job as an evil secret agent is as a good secret agent.

Jizelle: ‘ow do you keep track of weech awful sings to do at weech job?

Corey: HUUUUUUUUURK

Corey: Sorry, there’s a lot of radiation in this house. Anyway we basically do the same awful things to the same awful people. The only difference is, at the SCIA they expect you to use government stationery.

Jizelle: .oO(What was that about radiation?) What-
Corey: Welp, I’m off. See you later!

Jizelle: Maybe zat’s why my ears keep bleeding…

Jizelle: Time to talk shop! Zhop.

Jizelle: Hello, is this Renée? I got your numbair from the ENTROPY directory of fake identiteez!

Jizelle: No, I’m not a cop. No, I’m not a zecret agent. I’m a zooper’ero! Except I keel people. Lots of people. Yes, like new Batman.

Jizelle: I sink I’m part of an evill organization of good, associated part-time with ENTROPY, which eez an evil association of evill. Eet’s getting really compleecated.

Jizelle: Can I call you later? I ‘ave to go murder zomebody.

Because he broke in?

Jizelle: Because ee’s laughing at my drapes.

Jizelle: Au revoir, mon amibe!

Jizelle: Geev my raygards to ze devil. (Apparentlee zair is no god.)

Hey! I am right here.

Jizelle: Oh mon amibe, I cry for you.
Ray: Did you just toe-tap me to DEATH?!

Dongsool: ‘sup foos?

Jizelle: TOUCH OF DET

Jizelle: Eet’s very effecteeve.

Ray: So… awesome…!

Dongsool: …right?!

Renée: So yeah, Daisy Sharpe got me this cushy new identity. And by cushy I mean I’m fat now.

Jizelle: Did zhe geev you a cool job, zo?
Renée: I had to find my own job.
Jizelle: Oh! …oh. Uh, me too!

Jizelle: Mon amibe Corey zayz dat ze robots are all zecret carriers of a zoopervirus! Eezn’t zat funny?!

Jizelle: Haha, yez, Daizy. Zhe zhure eez funny too! Zhe killed my boyfriend.

Renée: You’re not really from France, are you?
Jizelle: I ‘ave no idea what you are talking about, madère!

Jizelle: Yeah, fine, the genie’s out of the bottle. I’m fuckin’ working on it, okay?!

Jizelle: Ahem. Anyway, I’m broke now zo I ‘ave to do whatevair ze crazy lady zayz, capisce?

Jizelle: Well you don’t have to be Italian to say capisce, do you?

Jizelle: ‘oo rained on your parade?

Jizelle: UUUUUUUGH, mon deux! Apparently eetz murdair day at ze inn!

Jizelle: Zay goodnight, madère.

Caryl: Goodnight…

Jizelle: I deedn’t exzpect ‘er to zay it. But zen why did I ask ‘er to zay it?

Jizelle: One-linairs are ztrange.

Renée: Maybe you should take a French course.
Jizelle: Wee wee! “Bonjour mont seur, I am a Franch ladee and I would like to learn… Franch.” You zee ze problem?

Jizelle: Haha, you ‘ear zat gurglaing? I cut ze last one’s troat wit ze razor wiare.

Jizelle: Eenyhoo, eetz gettaing lait. Late. Lait? Mon deux, I can’t speak either language now.

Jizelle: Maybe I could date a Franchman and zen keel him once I ‘ave absorbed ‘is language skeelz!

Jizelle: You know what zey zay about ze Franchmen, eh? Vonh vonh vonh! What do zey zay.

Renée: From now on you speak Simlish on the phone to me.

Jizelle: What if this is a party line? And someone hears me speaking normally?
Renée: Okay, first of all: “normally” as opposed to “French?” Nice. And second of all, if someone is tapping your evil secret agent phone, you have bigger problems than them knowing that you’re not “Franch.”

Jizelle: That’s just what I would expect a fat person to say.

Jizelle: Oop, gotta go! Ze boss eez ‘ere.

Corey: She hasn’t mastered her French yet?!

She hasn’t even apprenticed it.

Corey: Like my new acquisition? We had to kill four INTERPOL agents and delete a terabye of government records to get her. Oh, and we also had to buy that suit. I hate buying clothing.

Corey: Right, cool! You just stand out here in the open, then. It’s not like you’re wanted in JAIL or anything.

Corey: Jizzy!
Brandi: “Jizzy”?
Corey: Haha yeah, Daisy’s such a bitch.

Jizelle: Bonjour mon Amiibo! ‘oo ‘eez ziz feuille?
Brandi: Is she for real?
Corey: Too real.

Corey: Okay, you need to prove you’re worth springing.
Brandi: You’d have to shoot a bunch of cops to put me back in jail, for one thing.
Corey: Yeah, but what if, and I’m talking hypotheticals here, I enjoy shooting cops?

Corey: Anyway, mission statement! I’m the leader of a rogue faction of former SCIA and ENTROPY agents dedicated to achieving world peace via as much murder and mayhem as possible.

Brandi: …you blew up the courthouse, didn’t you.

Corey: Of course! WHILE I MYSELF WAS STILL IN IT. That’s DEFINITELY a thing I’d do.

Brandi: Okay, so let me get this straight. You’re NOT the SCIA, you’re not ENTROPY, so you’re… what, then? NEUTRAL secret agents?

Brandi: Do you even have favourite soccer teams?

Corey: HAAAAAAGGGGL. Sorry, it’s the radiation.

Brandi: HORRRRRRK. What? What did you say?

Brandi: HRRRRRGRRRGL! Okay, I’m ready to talk.

Brandi: Umm… I know William Sharpe’s dad hated his ex-wife’s fiancé?
Corey: Wow, that’ll tear the sociopolitical world in twain!

Brandi: Ummmmmmmm… I know that General Sharpe trained his daughter Cecilia to be a cold-blooded killer?
Corey: Cecilia was bad news, isn’t that news!

Corey: …wait, her dad did that?!
Brandi: Men! They never listen until they do.

Brandi: I know that the weakest link in the zombie apocalypse was that jealous cheerleader.
Corey: Her name is Renée now and she’s really fugly.

Brandi: Hahaha is she fat too?
Corey: Haha! No, you body-shaming bitch, she’s plump in all the right places! Around here we only make fun of people’s faces, you hear me?!

Brandi: I know ENTROPY was planning a big zombie takeover at the museum, but it went south!
Corey: Nah, that was a false-flag operation so Daisy could get married to William.
Brandi: Seriously?
Corey: I know, right? We’re deep in flowchart territory here.

Brandi: Okay, how about this then: I know all the bad guys are losing, because William Sharpe is fucking untouchable. Or rather invincible. He’s touchable. I’ve touched him.

Brandi: He’s fucking war criminals and show-trialing zombies and y’all are dragging your flat fucking feet!

Brandi: He’s gonna eat you for lunch unless you know how to manipulate his dumb, gorgeous ass.

Corey: HURRK
Brandi: Eating his parents and eating his friends. You need to eat him where he lives. You need to eat him in the dick.

Brandi: Ruin his relationships. Fuck up all his friendships. Make it so he can’t dip his wick into any woman’s waxhole for a hundred miles each way.

Brandi: Get the Murphies and Abigail Young after him. They’re only on his side because he’s ostensibly a good guy.
Corey: Hrrghl.
Brandi: Just between you and me, he’s fucked over enough people after fucking them that he’s got a rogue’s gallery of scorned women bigger than Captain Kirk’s.

Corey: Welcome to TAUTOLOGY.
Brandi: What’s that stand for?
Corey: TAUTOLOGY.

Brandi: That’s so hot.

Brandi: PHLEGM

Corey: You better have swallowed it.

Jizelle: “Goodnight, Jizelle!” “Oh, goodnight, Corey! Zo good of you to check in wit me!” “No problem, Jizzy! You’re my little Jizzbucket!” Okay maybe zat part wouldn’t be zo good.

Jizzy: BANG BANG BANG on ze wall all night. Must be zomething wit ze plumbing.

Corey: It’s good to have you on the team, Brandi.

Brandi: It’s good to be on the team! OH!

Jizelle:Faire Jock-uh! Faire Jock-uh! Doré vieux! Doré vieux!

Corey: I’m gonna have to kill her.

Uhhhh… what are you doing here?

William: According to the eggheads at Fung Street, there’s some kind of radioactive beacon drawing people in here.

That… would explain a lot.

And then require explanation itself.

William: I smell an evil plan! I love evil plans.

Nice chair.

Brandi: It’s no beanbag, but they can’t all be tech startup jobs.

William: Okay, okay, actually, this was a bad idea and I’m being drawn into the house. Shit. Shit. I’m smarter than this. I tell myself so all the time!

William: WHOEVER LIVES HERE GET YOUR ASS OUTSIDE AND I HOPE YOU’RE CUTE AND A GIRL

William: A CUTE GIRL

Jizelle: Mon deux! Say un belle garçon!
William: Sorry, I don’t speak Freedom.

Jizelle: Maybe I don’t either, baby.

Jizelle: Step into my lair?
William: What could go wrong?

William: Oh, BTW, your radioactive people-repeller is actually attracting people. You need to shift the phase polarity. My techies told me to tell you to tell your techies.

Brandi: An amateurish coding error.

Jizelle: Well, it’s great to finally meet you, Governor Sharpe! We’ve been expecting an official inspection for a while now! .oO(SHIT SHIT FORGOT THE ACCENT)

William: Sure, sure. You pretend not to be evil, I’ll pretend not to be suspicious, and we can work out the details over brunch.

Jizelle: Eediot what you doing?!

Jizelle: TICKLE TICKLE
Brandi: FACEFLOWERS
William: Oh no, my perception!

William: Please don’t tell anyone those tricks worked.

William: Ah ah ah! Back off! I will handle the seducing, thank you very much!

Jizelle: Oh you manly man you, look eento my eyes! And nowhere else please.

William: Sure, why not.

Jizelle: You realize of course zat eetz almost noon, and you’ll ‘ave to wait a day before you find out what’z in ‘ere.
William: Fuckin’ play rotation. Fine. I can wait a day.
Jizelle: Wheech is actually a year.
William: FUCKIN’ PLAY ROTATION

William: Hey, that is one fine ass! And I’m a connoisseur. I’ve seen the finest.

William: I fucked a lot of good fucks in this ol’ place.

Jizelle: Time to break out the vino!

The French word for wine is “vin.”

Jizelle: Venn.

No, it’s pronounced “Venh.”

Jizelle: FUCK, FRENCH, RULES MUCH?!

Next time: jailhouse sucks.

Oh, damn. I should have used that on the title pic.

Jizelle: WHY CAN’T EVERYONE JUST SPEAK SIMLISH

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