The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 275

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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In which wily William’s wee willy-William will wax.


First 100 chapters: use up all the good family name jokes.

Second 100 chapters: refer to the fact that you’ve used up all the good family name jokes.

Third 100 chapters: refer to the fact that you’ve referred to the fact that you’ve used up all the good family name jokes.

Fourth 100 chapters: Pulitzer?

Michael: Mrs. Sharpe, you’re trying to seduce me.
Daisy: Coo coo ca-choo.

Anthony: I’m telling.

Daisy: He won’t tell.
Michael: He’s a good butler.
Daisy: No, but he’s seen my axes.

Michael: You guys have a good time with that.

William: Ol’ girl’s still got it in her!

If by “it” you mean the pieces of your-

William: -the pieces of my parents that she ate, alright, point fucking taken.

William: It’s hard, finding a girl who hasn’t eaten anyone in this neighbourhood.

Making another of your frequent nefarious phone calls?

Daisy: Too lazy to look up who I was talking to?

We know each other so well.

…what?

For fuck’s sake, he’s in the car.

Daisy: Right, ‘cuz that hot rod doesn’t add to his sex appeal at all.
Theresa: No wonder you don’t have a girlfriend.

THAT’S LOW

Theresa: It’s always a comfort to find that she hasn’t died in her sleep.

Too good for her?

Theresa: WAY too good for her.

Meanwhile, Uma.

Anthony: Uma indeed.
Uma: EW. OLD.

Uma: I just broke both my legs. Wanna come over?

…did he just…?

Uma: Come in his pants?

TELEPORT!

Michael: I will happily answer the second question!

Michael: Mmm, my hand smells good.

Theresa: Best possible place to dance, folks, thanks.

Michael: I’m a judge.

She’s actually like eighty.

Michael: …I was just gonna say that nobody will indict me ‘cuz I’m a judge, but you took the fun right out of it.

Meanwhile Melanie does some work for the censorship board.

Melanie: I just thought of a new use for the scalpel.

Michael: I’ll just be taking this home with me now.

Uma: I’ve always wanted to get dirt on a judge!

Just to be clear, you’re… upset that she, the married William Sharpe’s mistress, is cheating on William Sharpe, the man whose parents you ate and whose life you destroyed.

Melanie: You’d be upset if you had to crunch those numbers too!

Theresa: I’m sorry, I thought you just admitted to directing a snuff film.
Anthony: No, I told you, it was a double-feature!

…what?

Whatever.

Melanie: My ass is better.

Neila: I don’t think I want to take part in this storyline.

Uma: Hey handler, how’s tricks?
Theresa: Don’t ask me, you’re the ho!

Uma: Yeah, but I own it.

Aww, makin’ memories!

They’ll be good to have when she dies from lethal injection.

Michael: I think we should go on a date.
Uma: Gay much?

Michael: Okay, um… I think I should touch a boob, then?
Uma: I mean, being gay is awesome, but you shouldn’t be love-tubbin’ it with a girl, is all.

Michael: I think I get the picture.

Lies.

Your Lifetime Want won’t be fulfilled until everyone but you is dead.

Daisy: You’re right, we do know each other so well.

Theresa: Ugh. It’s so wholesome you could feed it to a Celiac.

Melanie: Heyyy good lookin’!
William: Don’t look directly at her. She’s a witch.

Michael: A witch with a bitchin’ bod! A witchin’ bod.
Melanie: No.
Michael: See, because-
Melanie: NO.

Melanie: Don’t flop up my funk.

Right, because he DEFINITELY doesn’t have enough of THESE yet.

That should be an awkward day at work.

Wait, didn’t you…?

Dagmar: You’re right, he’s got lots of them. And they’re worth like fifty bucks!

Michael: My god, and to think I almost gave it away!

Theresa: Oh, put him away for Chrissake.
Anthony: We’re on a boob tour, him and me.

Daisy: I’d need graph paper to properly explain how wrong this is.

William Junior: .oO(Right, because this is much better…)

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a furious baby before.

New favourite baby!

Anthony: I have prepared the oven. Place him on the tray.

William: All in favour of pretending Anthony isn’t here?

William: Alright kiddo, do your daddy proud.
Victor: You’re blowing it out for him!
William: Well maybe I want his first word to be “daddy” instead of “pthhhllllbt,” okay?!

Anthony: You ever eat baby, hon?
Melanie: I have. It’s like eating ribs; tastes good, but there’s never enough.

Melanie: WHAT. You try running a zombie apocalypse without any baby-eating.
Uma: Please stop…
Melanie: Eating brains takes a lot of energy, sometimes you need a handy, portable snack!
William: Happy Birthday, buddy.

William: .oO(Christ, what a babe.)
William Junior: .oO(Wow, who’s the babe?)

William: I think you’re gonna turn out okay, little man.

He’s off to a good start.

…what?

Lucas: Shit, shit, shit! I don’t have anything prepared! Give me a sec to think!

Nice hearing from you.

William: You are going to be the best pooper.

Daisy: Hello yes, is this the white-trash family fight show? I think I have your next guests lined up.

Melanie: Ever heard of clothing?
Uma: Just gets in the way when you need to run from some cannibal bitch.

WHAM

Daisy: That was the sound of someone one-shotting Melanie with a clothing-based insult.

William: “Daddy.” Say “Daddy”!
William Junior: .oO(Why? You’re already right here.)

William Junior: Wiwwiam.
William: The most important word!

Even unconscious I wouldn’t turn my back on her.

Just a brief reminder that Melanie’s body is best.

William: I dunno, there’s a lot of good bodies goin’ ’round lately.

Theresa: “Goin’ ’round”! Like on a spiral staircase!
William: Bitches love wordplay.

William: Wait a second, we’re paying you. Get out.

Daisy: Yeah, it’s gonna take some work. We’re gonna need to resurrect a lot of awful people.

Daisy: I want to get it done while I’m still young. It’s hard to look convincingly badass when your tits are around your ankles.

Daisy: Oh, there will be plenty of sex involved. This era needs to end the way it started!

Daisy: I’m thinking an army of secondary characters and a battle-royale with a cast of dozens.

Daisy: We’ll workshop it with the rest of ENTROPY.

Daisy: I’m thinking at least half a dozen main characters have to die.

William Junior: I’d love to remember this conversation but I don’t even have object permanence yet.

You do, actually. Eight months and older.

William Junior: WELL MAYBE I DON’T WANT TO CARRY AROUND INFORMATION THAT CAN GET ME KILLED, HUH?

And here I thought you were like your father.

Anthony: Did he mean to scream that whole sentence?

What is it with you perverts and your mirrors?

Christ, I can’t even keep track of all the perversions going on!

It’s awesome.

This chapter is a real Grugly-pleaser, and no mistake!

Lucas: Lucas Perez does not-

-HAVE ANY MORE LINES IN THIS CHAPTER.

Hahahaha.

Daisy: It’s a neck-snappin’ good time!

Victor: This is how I want to remember my mom: strong and dignified.

Neila: Mom’s gonna be fine. I bet if they electrocuted her, the chair would die.

Melanie: …wait, I didn’t know the electric chair was an option.
Victor: Yeah! Mom’s not scared of no two thousand volts of electricity!
Melanie: Well, I WASN’T….

Neila: Can you teach me to do my homework?
Daisy: I’ve got a real son now. Why would I help you half-breeds?

Daisy: I think all that Melanie in their genes is mucking up their brains.
Victor: You’ll still help us, right dad?
William: I’m gonna make it a habit not to disappoint anyone with Melanie’s genes in them.

Daisy: Okay, here’s the secret: fill that booklet out once, then photocopy the answers and hand in the copies every day.
William: Eventually you won’t even get homework. We’ve got mods.
Victor: Man, school is complicated!

Melanie: Are you teaching these kids shortcuts?!
William: Yep!
Daisy: Of course!
Melanie: Good, carry on.

Melanie: ‘cuz fuck hard work!

A moral we can all agree on.

Next time: sigh.

I don’t even want to describe it.

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