Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
In which wily William’s wee willy-William will wax.
First 100 chapters: use up all the good family name jokes.
Second 100 chapters: refer to the fact that you’ve used up all the good family name jokes.
Third 100 chapters: refer to the fact that you’ve referred to the fact that you’ve used up all the good family name jokes.
Fourth 100 chapters: Pulitzer?
Michael: Mrs. Sharpe, you’re trying to seduce me.
Daisy: Coo coo ca-choo.
Anthony: I’m telling.
Daisy: He won’t tell.
Michael: He’s a good butler.
Daisy: No, but he’s seen my axes.
Michael: You guys have a good time with that.
William: Ol’ girl’s still got it in her!
If by “it” you mean the pieces of your-
William: -the pieces of my parents that she ate, alright, point fucking taken.
William: It’s hard, finding a girl who hasn’t eaten anyone in this neighbourhood.
Making another of your frequent nefarious phone calls?
Daisy: Too lazy to look up who I was talking to?
We know each other so well.
For fuck’s sake, he’s in the car.
Daisy: Right, ‘cuz that hot rod doesn’t add to his sex appeal at all.
Theresa: No wonder you don’t have a girlfriend.
Theresa: It’s always a comfort to find that she hasn’t died in her sleep.
Too good for her?
Theresa: WAY too good for her.
Anthony: Uma indeed.
Uma: EW. OLD.
Uma: I just broke both my legs. Wanna come over?
…did he just…?
Uma: Come in his pants?
Michael: I will happily answer the second question!
Michael: Mmm, my hand smells good.
Theresa: Best possible place to dance, folks, thanks.
Michael: I’m a judge.
She’s actually like eighty.
Michael: …I was just gonna say that nobody will indict me ‘cuz I’m a judge, but you took the fun right out of it.
Meanwhile Melanie does some work for the censorship board.
Melanie: I just thought of a new use for the scalpel.
Michael: I’ll just be taking this home with me now.
Uma: I’ve always wanted to get dirt on a judge!
Just to be clear, you’re… upset that she, the married William Sharpe’s mistress, is cheating on William Sharpe, the man whose parents you ate and whose life you destroyed.
Melanie: You’d be upset if you had to crunch those numbers too!
Theresa: I’m sorry, I thought you just admitted to directing a snuff film.
Anthony: No, I told you, it was a double-feature!
Melanie: My ass is better.
Neila: I don’t think I want to take part in this storyline.
Uma: Hey handler, how’s tricks?
Theresa: Don’t ask me, you’re the ho!
Uma: Yeah, but I own it.
Aww, makin’ memories!
They’ll be good to have when she dies from lethal injection.
Michael: I think we should go on a date.
Uma: Gay much?
Michael: Okay, um… I think I should touch a boob, then?
Uma: I mean, being gay is awesome, but you shouldn’t be love-tubbin’ it with a girl, is all.
Michael: I think I get the picture.
Your Lifetime Want won’t be fulfilled until everyone but you is dead.
Daisy: You’re right, we do know each other so well.
Theresa: Ugh. It’s so wholesome you could feed it to a Celiac.
Melanie: Heyyy good lookin’!
William: Don’t look directly at her. She’s a witch.
Michael: A witch with a bitchin’ bod! A witchin’ bod.
Michael: See, because-
Melanie: Don’t flop up my funk.
Right, because he DEFINITELY doesn’t have enough of THESE yet.
That should be an awkward day at work.
Wait, didn’t you…?
Dagmar: You’re right, he’s got lots of them. And they’re worth like fifty bucks!
Michael: My god, and to think I almost gave it away!
Theresa: Oh, put him away for Chrissake.
Anthony: We’re on a boob tour, him and me.
Daisy: I’d need graph paper to properly explain how wrong this is.
William Junior: .oO(Right, because this is much better…)
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a furious baby before.
New favourite baby!
Anthony: I have prepared the oven. Place him on the tray.
William: All in favour of pretending Anthony isn’t here?
William: Alright kiddo, do your daddy proud.
Victor: You’re blowing it out for him!
William: Well maybe I want his first word to be “daddy” instead of “pthhhllllbt,” okay?!
Anthony: You ever eat baby, hon?
Melanie: I have. It’s like eating ribs; tastes good, but there’s never enough.
Melanie: WHAT. You try running a zombie apocalypse without any baby-eating.
Uma: Please stop…
Melanie: Eating brains takes a lot of energy, sometimes you need a handy, portable snack!
William: Happy Birthday, buddy.
William: .oO(Christ, what a babe.)
William Junior: .oO(Wow, who’s the babe?)
William: I think you’re gonna turn out okay, little man.
He’s off to a good start.
Lucas: Shit, shit, shit! I don’t have anything prepared! Give me a sec to think!
Nice hearing from you.
William: You are going to be the best pooper.
Daisy: Hello yes, is this the white-trash family fight show? I think I have your next guests lined up.
Melanie: Ever heard of clothing?
Uma: Just gets in the way when you need to run from some cannibal bitch.
Daisy: That was the sound of someone one-shotting Melanie with a clothing-based insult.
William: “Daddy.” Say “Daddy”!
William Junior: .oO(Why? You’re already right here.)
William Junior: Wiwwiam.
William: The most important word!
Even unconscious I wouldn’t turn my back on her.
Just a brief reminder that Melanie’s body is best.
William: I dunno, there’s a lot of good bodies goin’ ’round lately.
Theresa: “Goin’ ’round”! Like on a spiral staircase!
William: Bitches love wordplay.
William: Wait a second, we’re paying you. Get out.
Daisy: Yeah, it’s gonna take some work. We’re gonna need to resurrect a lot of awful people.
Daisy: I want to get it done while I’m still young. It’s hard to look convincingly badass when your tits are around your ankles.
Daisy: Oh, there will be plenty of sex involved. This era needs to end the way it started!
Daisy: I’m thinking an army of secondary characters and a battle-royale with a cast of dozens.
Daisy: We’ll workshop it with the rest of ENTROPY.
Daisy: I’m thinking at least half a dozen main characters have to die.
William Junior: I’d love to remember this conversation but I don’t even have object permanence yet.
You do, actually. Eight months and older.
William Junior: WELL MAYBE I DON’T WANT TO CARRY AROUND INFORMATION THAT CAN GET ME KILLED, HUH?
And here I thought you were like your father.
Anthony: Did he mean to scream that whole sentence?
What is it with you perverts and your mirrors?
Christ, I can’t even keep track of all the perversions going on!
This chapter is a real Grugly-pleaser, and no mistake!
Lucas: Lucas Perez does not-
-HAVE ANY MORE LINES IN THIS CHAPTER.
Daisy: It’s a neck-snappin’ good time!
Victor: This is how I want to remember my mom: strong and dignified.
Neila: Mom’s gonna be fine. I bet if they electrocuted her, the chair would die.
Melanie: …wait, I didn’t know the electric chair was an option.
Victor: Yeah! Mom’s not scared of no two thousand volts of electricity!
Melanie: Well, I WASN’T….
Neila: Can you teach me to do my homework?
Daisy: I’ve got a real son now. Why would I help you half-breeds?
Daisy: I think all that Melanie in their genes is mucking up their brains.
Victor: You’ll still help us, right dad?
William: I’m gonna make it a habit not to disappoint anyone with Melanie’s genes in them.
Daisy: Okay, here’s the secret: fill that booklet out once, then photocopy the answers and hand in the copies every day.
William: Eventually you won’t even get homework. We’ve got mods.
Victor: Man, school is complicated!
Melanie: Are you teaching these kids shortcuts?!
Daisy: Of course!
Melanie: Good, carry on.
Melanie: ‘cuz fuck hard work!
A moral we can all agree on.
Next time: sigh.
I don’t even want to describe it.