The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 274

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

Click Here for Previous Entries!

And now for a short one.

IS WHAT SHE SAID!

She might, actually.

Her standards are pretty high.


Featuring at least some of these people!

you are not one of those people.

Dagmar: My bad.

I’m thinking this art isn’t doing much for Ember.

But hey, if it is, power to her!

Ember: One of those pictures is of one of my daughters.

Not gonna judge you, but that’s pretty fucked-up.

Ember: I’d be willing to bet she gets pretty fucked-up every night!

Like mother, like daughter.

Ember: Want to come over and be a character?

Ember: For one chapter at most, mind you.

Ember: APPARENTLY vampires don’t come OUT in the DAYTIME.

For SOME reason.

Ember: Ooh, my back!
Dagmar: From all that sex you’ve been having?
Ember: No! From all the sex I haven’t been having, dammit!

Ember: How much does it cost to drop a piano on someone?

Stephen?

Ember: Stephen.

This is Stephen’s fault, too.

Ember: Well I don’t know, it’s kinda cloudy at least! Twilight vampires could go outside!

Ember: No, you’re right, I wouldn’t want a Twilight vampire.

Ember: I WANNA GET LAID BEFORE MY LADYBITS FALL OFF

Ember: Plan B.
Kiera: Sorry, I don’t carry Plan B. You need to go to the pharmacy.

Kiera: Seriously? A love potion? You’re like the hottest chick on the street!
Ember: Maybe I don’t want to be on the street!

Ember: Oh, wait, I get it now.

Ember: But anyway. Manflesh! Pronto!

Ember: Someone athletic!
Kiera: Sports fan, got it.

Ember: Wait, no. Sports fans aren’t athletic.
Kiera: Too bad! Got yer money!

Amar: I think a course correction is in order.

Amar: This *might* not be awesome.

Touchdown!

SKLRRRRRRRRRRRRCH

Kiera: This is Amar!
Ember: “Was,” you mean?

Ember: First gategate, and now this.

Amar: ALL OF MY ORGANS ARE TWO ORGANS NOW

Ember: When you think of it, it’s kind of a miracle he was able to hit such a narrow target.

Kiera: Is this gonna affect my Yelp! rating?
The Grim Reaper: YELP! JOKES ARE SO LAST YEAR.

Kiera: I’m gonna call this a successful speed-date.

Wren makes the most of her brief appearance in this chapter.

I can’t wait until she has to tell her teacher why there’s stiletto holes in her homework.

Awesome.

Wren: What did you get for #2?
Xavier: The same thing as yesterday. The dang things never change.

No, you fucking stupid website, I did NOT mean “hashtag 2.” Jesus fuck.

Ember: Okay Mr. Won’t-Come-Over-Unless-He-Won’t-Burn-to-Death, it’s showtime!

Count Alon: Is there anything a woman won’t call “picky”?

Count Alon: Hahaha yeah that guy sucks.

Ember: I’m Ember.

Count Alon: Hot.

Ember: Marry me.

Ember: No, but, seriously.

See? Negging is entirely the wrong way to go.

…that’s not even a joke.

I’m really embarassed to be a man these days.

Please make them stop.

Don’t you have MAYORAL things to be doing?

Dagmar: What could be more mayoral than spying on your lover’s wife?

I’ve got a new approach to these sex scenes!

I call it not wasting fifty pics on each sex scene.

Count Alon: I’d like to lodge a complaint about your new approach.

Dagmar: -orgasms-

Wow! That’s a lot better than what usually comes out!

I refuse to be embarassed by how many home decorator pics I take.

These pics, though…

Ember: DON’T KNOCK IT ‘TIL YOU TRY IT!

Count Alon: I defy you to imagine a better cameo.

Count Alon: I could never be a major part of any storyline ever again, and still be happy because of this!

Good.

Count Alon: …”Good”?
Ember: Aww! Poor doomed vampire.

Ember: Maybe we should have sex on, like, a bed next time.
Count Alon: I think my everything is stuck like this.

Yeah, you’re not hiding much there buddy.

If you’re using soap, I hope it’s not Sunlight.

Count Alon: Sunlight is for dishes.

They can’t all be knee-slappers.

Count Alon: I don’t think the gypsy can leave.

Gypsy is a racist term, so I’ll forget what you just said.

Kiera: help

Kiera: HELP

Alon: Yeah, ‘cuz you really helped me out, bitch.

Kiera: Dead guy says what?

Kiera: This has not been my greatest professional triumph.

It’s nobody’s finest hour.

Kiera: If anyone cares, there’s a vampire burning to death outside.

Kiera: Ooh, you’ve got Pay-Per-View!

Next time: the best toddler ever.

If that’s somehow a draw for you.

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