The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 269

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

Click Here for Previous Entries!

And now it’s the new year proper.

Or improper, depending on your perspective.


Speaking of perspective!

Speaking of the new year!

Speaking of improper…

Veronica: Oh, good! I’m having a nightmare.

Michael: Maybe we all are?

Michael: Fuck you, repressed childhood anxieties!

Michael: And hello, realized childhood fantasies!

Michael: Dress like you want to set feminism back a decade.

Michael: Hey, wow! That should do it.

Michael: A model employee would look good, and… actually that’s all I want.

Jewel: I’d love to work for you!
Michael: Are you willing to work for love?

Jewel: …you mean as opposed to pay?
Michael: You’re right! I am opposed to pay!

Michael: Oh, you know a song! That’s very useful.

Michael: Hey, wow! College anecdotes. So applicable to real life!

Michael: No way! Your other acquaintances are also cheerleaders?! That’s incredible!

Michael: Oh, you have loose sexual morals? So original.

Michael: You satisfy me physically! As a man of means, that’s the only thing I can feel.

Michael: I will pay you for makeouts.

Michael: And also to help me run a discount bookstore!
Jewel: That turned quickly.

Ally: Hey, are you the owner?
Michael: It would explain why I’m refusing to make eye contact! Pleb.

Jizelle: Bonjour monsieur!
Michael: Wow, rhyming gibberish!

Michael: Secretly very attractive.

Michael: I suppose you’re looking for French books?
Jizelle: You would zink zo! And you’d be wrong.

Michael: Come on, man! I guarantee all my books as top-notch flooring material for your murder basement.

Michael: Wow! You sure are doing that.

Bill: I look great surrounded by books!

Dagmar: Why are you touching my hand?
Michael: Why did you extend it?

Jewel: Oh man this job is hard. I’m supposed to replace not-books with… wiiiiiith…

Books?

Jewel: That makes too much sense to be right!

Sullivan: Those blood stains will come right off. I think that’s why they switched to plastic money!

Michael: Uh-oh! Customers with timers!

Custimers?

Sullivan: Why’d you bring me back, cocksucker?

You’d rather be dead?

Sullivan: I’d rather everyone be dead!

Iris: Even babies?
Sullivan: ESPECIALLY babies.

Michael: My Favourite Sociopath!

Jewel: That boy is two ugly people.
Nawwaf: Nudge that hand over a bit.

Jewel: Are you a black person? I’ve never met a black person before.

Jewel: I had it on my bingo card! I don’t see the problem.

Jewel: Hey placeholder! You’re not real!

Carmela: Got me there, kiddo!

Alvin Trottier: Explain the boobs to me.
Jewel: They’re just boobs!
Alvin: But boobs and books. What is the connection?
Jewel: …they’re only one letter different!

Alvin: They are!

Michael: What are you doing?
Sullivan: Whatever I want.

Jewel: Books are good!
Nerissa: I like that books are good!

Nerissa: But can books be bad…?

Jewel: Whew!

Just making sure you’re prettier?

Jewel: Just making sure I’m prettier.

Mrs. Crumplebottom: FICTION IS THE DEVIL

This guy was in the FIRST CHAPTER and yet I NEVER remember his name.

Alvin: So many boobs!

Jewel: Welp! Time to call it a day!

NOPE

Michael: I love that you’re a renewable resource.

Goodbye Whittaker’s Discount Books, hello Whittaker’s Fishy Fizzes!

You know, fizzes.

I totally see the connection.

Stephen you idiot! That’s not a fizz!

Stephen: It is when your digestive tract is a hundred years old!

The Aristocrats!

Kenya’s stank brings all the that guy to the couch.

Michael: You were just introduced a few chapters ago and I’ve already forgotten your name.

I certainly haven’t!

But I don’t feel the need to prove it.

Michael: Good work!
Jewel: Hey, thanks!
Michael: NOT YOU THE POP MACHINE

Michael: And just that one specifically.

Kenya: There’s somethin’ fishy about them fizzes…

Cut, print, wrap! Great commercial.

Grugly Prime: You’re not talking to me.

Grugly Prime: I’m not here.

Segue!

Michael: IT’S EMPLOYEE TRAINING

Jewel: Guess who just earned a raise?

This is like an advertisement for a Nazi breeding program.

Michael: Mmm! The taste of saliva bought and paid-for.

Jewel: I’m a new kind of prostitute?

Jewel: And I think my clothes just changed?

Michael: Welcome to full adulthood, baby!
Jewel: …is the creepiest thing I’ve ever heard anyone say.

Poppy: I can see where this is going.

Poppy: And MAYBE I LIKE IT

Jewel: Hi! You must be Michael’s wife.
Poppy: I prefer to think of him as “Poppy’s husband.

Poppy: If you sleep with my husband I will kill you.

Poppy: Unless you also sleep with me.

Jewel: And then I go down like this…?
Poppy: Right, but lose the fist, please.

Jewel: Smells! Weird, right?
Anthony: Huh?

Is there any continuity in this chapter at all?

Poppy: There’s continuity in my hearrrrrrt!

So this is your path to playablehood, huh?

Jewel: Walking around university naked wasn’t doing it…

Jennifer: I could totally take him out with my rear-view if I backed up quickly.

Wait, are you not a judge now?

Michael: I’m a judge and a senator!

Isn’t that a conflict of interest?

Michael: Have you been ignoring politics? Those aren’t a thing anymore!

Michael: Move it! We need to start up the Senate Subcommittee on Michael Needs a New Car!

Jewel: Landholding is hot.
Michael: Finding me hot is hot!

I don’t see how this says “Fishy Fizzes” any more than that Britney Spears outfit did.

Jewel: It’s from our new “wallpaper match” clothing line.

Jewel: Come inside! Buy some drinks! A senator owns them! I don’t see how that’s relevant.
Michael: Stop thinking so much.

Jewel: Are you thirsty perhaps?
Nawwaf: No?
Jewel: Well shit.

Heath Thorne, non-conformist.

Mrs. Crumplebottom: FIREWATER

Yeah, I used to drink Coke Classic, I know that feel.

Michael: I need you to exercise so I don’t get blamed for you being fat but I also need you to buy more soda pop.

Bitten by a radioactive pop machine, she is CHERYL PLAYER: POP STAR.

Oh god I need to make this retroactively a thing!

Jewel: How did you get fit on soft drinks?
Nawwaf: I have backwards biology. That’s why my penis goes outside my pants!

Nawwaf: AND SHE BELIEVED ME!
Michael: HAHAHA no she probably just wanted to end the conversation.

Amin: Are you profiling me, dude?!

Amin: Interested in some Fishy Fizzes?
Victor: Interested in seeing that dart come out your face!

Jerome: Redheads doing garbage! My exact fetish!

Joe: Hold still. This will only hurt forever.

Abigail: I didn’t see that coming, but I can see it going!

Amin: I’m gonna call the NAABP on you, so quit it.

Michael: Wow! She can fit half his arm in that crack!

Excellent wardrobe choice.

Michael: I’m sorry, my vending machine did what?

Yeah, I’ve felt that way about chips before.

Michael: You could be our mascot!
Cheryl: Sorry buddy, Pop Star doesn’t advertise.

Abigail: I need a license to wear this suit.
Samella: They told me I needed a license to practice law too, but look at me now! Please don’t tell anyone.

Wait, wait. Are you taking a…

Wait wait wait.

Are you OLD NOW?!

Next time: WHY IS SHE OLD NOW

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