Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
Almost lost this chapter forever.
Dozens of backups and I can still fuck myself over!
Why are we walking to the Courthouse when we never actually left it?
Because I don’t have a second household title pic to use.
I won’t pretend there’s reasons for everything I do.
The way George Lucas does.
Yvonne: Hey look, it’s stupid hair! And Oliver!
Oliver: We’ve missed you guys.
Yvonne: That’s a lie.
Kenya: Is she supposed to be doing that?
Oliver: It’s… happening, that I can tell you.
Sullivan: YES! My smoke monster summoning ritual succeeded!
Wow, what a pretty picture!
Veronica: THANKS FOR THE HELP
Samella: MY ARMS ARE WEIRD
Samella: I BLAME EVERYBODY
Dagmar: I need a cop at the municipal building. Tell them to bring a few Red Bulls.
Dagmar: Who the hell are you?
Jake Fairchild: <-- Dagmar: Huh.
Kenya: I’m always surprised when they don’t fall to bits at this point.
Kenya: Welcome back to the world of the living!
Faith: Sure! Until they execute me for treason.
Maybe you’ll get lucky and zombies will go back to being a thing.
That’s such a neat outfit.
I haven’t seen it since… this.
Kenya: u srs
The fuck is this?!
Faith: You built it!
Yvonne: Who’s the hunk?
Faith: Don’t get too attached, that skintone looks troubled.
Joshua: I love me some legs outta nowhere
Faith: Stop looking up our dresses! Even though it doesn’t work.
Joshua: YIKES. So sorry about your face, sis.
Sunny: You guys go on ahead, I’ve found something actually interesting to do.
I sense a bribe coming.
I sense a bribe going.
Michael: Are you sure you’ve got enough forehead?
Uma: Bit heavy on the fake tan, eh, lady?
Abigail: I don’t know who to root for.
Stephen: Our daughters?
Abigail: Our daughters who got you killed.
Stephen: Teens are always difficult.
Andrew: Were you even born when Faith and Yvonne were alive?
Oliver: Dude. I’m not that much younger than you.
Andrew: Man our ages are all fucked up now.
Uma: Hey, at least you’re owning that look!
Aurora: I was hoping to be strictly decorative today.
Stewart: If you’re trying to do a sexy walk it’s not working.
Abigail: Should I maybe deal with this?
Abigail: She’s right. There’s no-one brainsier…
Do we seriously not have enough criminals walking around yet.
Kenya: Who’s the hottie?
Dagmar: This man got most of the county killed.
Kenya: So you’re telling me he’s a go-getter?
Dagmar: Just between you and me, I think hotness ought to be a mitigating factor.
Dagmar: And you’re hot.
Don: Lady, if you get me out of here, I’ll heat you up like a warmed-over pizza pocket.
Dagmar: I love pizza pockets.
Sullivan: I hear there’s jizz in that stuff. Because I jizzed in the vats. The stuff vats.
Stephen: I don’t speak zombie anymore. What’s she trying to convey?
Don: ‘kay ‘yall, I’ll just be going now! Thanks for the rez, much appreciated.
Kennedy: Your clothes are funny.
Hobart: These are my robes.
Kennedy: Oh! You’re a LARPer.
Kenya: One wrong move and we’ll need the Reaper on the horn again.
Don: Ladies! It’s been a while.
Faith: Who knew hell would be gender segregated?!
Digging the Vortigaunt arm, Don!
Aurora: Sit your asses down for the Honourable Judge Hobart Darwin Fairchild, presiding, Wallawallock State vs. Faith and Yvonne Murphy, charge of high teenage treason.
Hobart: May the record show that my bailiff is mackadocious!
Nicholas: Suckers got any brains in here?
Hobart: I’m just gonna pretend that isn’t happening.
Hobart: Don’t look at the zombie, look at me. How do you plead?
Yvonne: The charge is dumb.
Faith: Dumb and stupid.
Don: I’m getting that feeling where you think something’s happened before. That French thing.
Stephen: You won’t be feeling much of anything in a minute!
Faith: Maybe call the trial on account of zombies. Zombies is a good reason to go home.
Hobart: I DON’T EVEN HAVE A HOME
Oliver: Over here, stupid?
Stewart: OVER WHERE I CAN’T SEE
Andrew: No, William. I don’t think you need to come over… Hmm? Because the computer is making that funny sound ag-
I wonder if this is the point where I scratched the words “shit” and “garbage” and “crap” on my case with a pin…
Good, yes, let’s do that again.
Scroll up for the spiel, I’m not typing it twice.
Hobart: You could have easily cut and pasted it.
Not even gonna scroll, man.
Hobart: Alright ladies, let’s try this again. Guilty or not guilty? Teenspeak-free please.
Hobart: Hey, I can see you! Neat.
Yvonne: There’s no such thing as treason! States only barely exist in this setting.
Faith: Summoning zombies into our house wasn’t a crime against the SimNation, it was a love song to science.
Don: Alright, just… just do it. But hurry up.
Hobart: On the assumption that I’m still in charge here, let’s hear the opening statements.
Uma: Ugh! What’s all over this seat?
Sullivan: Oh, it’s not just that seat.
Joshua: The state will show that Faith and Yvonne Murphy did willingly let several zombies past their home’s zombie countermeasures, leading directly to the death and zombification of multiple Sims, most of whom are fine now, but that shouldn’t matter.
Joshua: These innocent-seeming girls hatched a plot to get their family killed just so they could know what it’s like to be zombified. Newsflash, girls! It’s like being alive, only parts of you fall off.
Joshua: I’ll get straight to the point. Knowledge Sim crime is on the rise. Knowledge Sims in our inner cities are some seriously bad dudes. We should deport all Knowledge Sims back to… wherever Knowledge Sims come from.
Joshua: OKAY SO IT SOUNDS BAD WHEN I HEAR IT OUT LOUD
Abigail: He’s got a point, though. A good quarter of my wants are to do something evil.
Joshua: It’s about time we realized that Knowledge Sims are monomaniacs, Fortune Sims are sociopaths, Romance Sims are psychopaths and Pleasure Sims are homeopaths.
And the Sim psychiatrist is a pathopath!
Joshua: Some might argue that the constitution of the SimNation allows for the pursuit of happiness, which can be rated by Aspiration Score. To those people I say this: the SimNation doesn’t have a constitution, and anyway the Maker is Canadian.
Don’t even get me started on Canadians.
Abigail: Capital timing, Veronica!
Don: I guess this is just what I do now.
Andrew: I’d better not get billed for two calls.
Andrew: I think the computer’s fine this time, you’d better get over here.
Abigail: Well don’t stand so close then, stupids!
Don: Yeah! I kicked the shit out of that dead woman! Hmm.
Veronica: Hey man, you got any… you got any brains on you?
Abigail: Boy it’ll be a shame when they execute him.
William: Did somebody say “execute”?
Aurora: Please remain seated for the Honourable Woofum Ronroneo presiding.
Do you still remember how to use that?
Alvin: Tell you a secret? I’ve never known how to use this.
Michael: I dunno, man. I’m standing here, and I don’t feel even the slightest urge to spew hate speech.
Stewart: Where is all this dust coming from?
Andrew: You might not want to stand so close to the zombie. In fact that’s a good general rule.
Nicholas: No, you don’t understand. I’m one of the chiefs of police!
Alvin: I DON’T SPEAK ZOMBIE MOANS
Hiding in the bathroom, huh? Very brave.
Stephen: Keeping up my civilian cred!
Apparently Oliver and Stewart are inhaling William’s pheremones.
Abigail: Oh boy! We can field-test my bulletproofing!
Veronica: WHY DO THEY ALWAYS GO FOR THE THROAT
The Grim Reaper: NO IT’S COOL, LEAVE ME TO CLEAN UP YOUR MESS
Who’s gonna clean up mine?
Aurora: I feel like I should be doing some serious bailiffing right now, but I don’t know where to start.
Stewart: I’ll always remember this as the day my agoraphobia first manifested.
Sullivan: Yes, by all means let’s stand here all day holding our cocks.
Uma: I don’t have a cock!
Dagmar: I wonder if I can get that NPC to run me over.
Dagmar: Okay everybody, fuck off! That’s an executive order straight from the mayor’s office! Fuck off! Off with your fucking, fuck with your offing! Your offal! You’re awful.
Dagmar: GO HOME
Another successful disaster.
Michael: Look on the bright side! It’s a lovely evening.
Sullivan: That’s like saying “Look on the vagina side! It’s a prolapsed vagina.”
Michael: IS IT THOUGH, SULLIVAN?
Faith: What do we do now?
Aurora: I dunno, sit there all night?
Aurora: I’m taking the inmates out for burgers. You want in?
DON IS ALSO AN INMATE.
Aurora: Doesn’t mean he can’t have burgers!
Dagmar: WHY DO YOU ALWAYS LET THINGS GET OUT OF CONTROL
Lady, I only exert control when it’s funnier that way.
Dagmar: WE NEED TO ASSERT LAW AND ORDER
I barely believed that in 2011. In 2017 the words make me sick.
The City on the Edge of the Clipping Plane.
Next time: the new year proper begins, properly!