The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 267

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which heroism hopefully does not figure.


I’m about tapped on court-related humour.

Which doesn’t augur well for the next half-dozen court cases, does it?

I’m sure I’ll get my second wind.

William: How long are you going to be making that face at me?
Andrew: For as long as you’re in my field of vision.

Samella: Okay. Okay! Court case, right! Because I’m a lawyer. A real lawyer.

Samella: The state calls William Something Sharpe to the stand!

Andrew: It’s STEPHEN. After my dad.
William: Don’t rub it in.

William: There’s my girl!
Cameron: I used to be his girl.

Cameron: Used to be.

Cameron: Do I need to say that slower? Louder?

Cameron: Or maybe words don’t quite do it for you.

Andrew: I caught you guys in bed. And then I blew up the bed. Your torrid affair is one hundred percent acknowledged, Cameron.

Hobart: THERE’S STILL A TRIAL IN HERE

Andrew: Goo-goo eyes wait for no man.

Samella: Thanks for taking so long! Seriousy, though. I needed the time to figure out a question to ask you.

William: Youuuuu… are a bad attorney, Samella.

Samella: Well then would a bad attorney say thank you! and pass you off to the other side? Because that’s what I’m doing.
Brandi: Um, hello? What?

William: You don’t want to ask me any questions.
Samella: Not until you apologize.

William: Is there going to be evidence in this trial at some point?

Andrew: Don’t look at me, I’m not saving her.

Hobart: I wonder if mistrials are a thing.

German: This guy is a spook and I don’t like spooks! I mean secret agents not black people.

German: I’ve never met a black person.
William: Okay…?!

German: That’s all I got to say to you.

Hobart: COULD SOMEBODY PLEASE PROVIDE ME WITH AT LEAST ONE PIECE OF ACTUAL INFORMATION

Samella: The state calls that guy there! With the beard.

William: I wonder. If I grow a beard, will anyone ever notice you again?

William: Please tell me you have something to ask him.
Samella: I don’t want you to get mad at me.

Samella: Mister Beard, could you please… tell us… what happened?

Andrew: Close enough.

Andrew: I came downstairs one day to see William staring at Brandi’s ass.

Andrew: So I told him to fuck off.

Andrew: And he did.

Andrew: And then I shut Brandi up in the bathroom to die.

Samella: For no reason?!
Andrew: For the reason that she’d turned into a zombie and was trying to eat people!

Samella: How did that happen?
Andrew: I didn’t see it.
Samella: But didn’t anyone ever tell you?!
Andrew: Hearsay is inadmissible as evidence…?
Samella: What do those words mean?

Andrew: Call Cameron again.

Samella: IF YOU’RE SO SMART WHY DON’T YOU COME DO MY JOB? Please?

Andrew: Okay, okay, just… ask me what happened next. You can do that, right?

Samella: What happened next, Mister Man?

Andrew: I waited for Brandi to starve to death.

Andrew: Which she did.

Samella: That wasn’t a picture of Brandi.
Andrew: I didn’t see her die. I just felt the death memory.
Brandi: Well I was there!

Brandi: I remember shithead’s shithead girlfriend, and some stupid zombie, and a butler. They’re probably all dead except shithead’s shithead. Oh, and Death was there too, but you probably can’t call him.

Andrew: That’s about what happened, plus or minus a few shitheads.

Andrew: Please don’t build your entire case on me.

Samella: I forget whatever else I was gonna ask him. Your turn, Germy!

German: I prefer to be called Fritz. And what do I want this dude for? He’s clearly old and useless.

Brandi: Can I sue my attorney when this is all over?

Hobart: How about I just get him disbarred?

Andrew: Shoot them both, I say.

Brandi: Did the prosecution rest yet? Can I testify? Does anyone know what’s happening?

German: I guess it’s my turn now? Get out of the chair.

Andrew: Well done, everyone.

Andrew: This has been a model of legal procedure.

German: The… good guys, call Brandi Buffalito to the chair.

Brandi: I’m not sure my dignity will allow me to respond to that.

Samella: Just do what I do and have no dignity!

Andrew: Good luck, Bienvenido.

William: You actually managed to wedge some testimony in there. Nice work.

Cameron: Yeah, nice work, honey.

Samella: So, like, why were you a zombie?

Brandi: Because my fiancé had a zombie in his closet.

Brandi: I went in to help her with her painting.

Brandi: She ate my brains instead.

Brandi: Who keeps zombies in the closet?!

Samella: I give up. Who?

Brandi: Please stop being so useless.

German: How about a sing-along? ♪ Mares eat oats and does eat oats ♪ come on everybody, sing!

Andrew: ♭ And little lambs eat ivy? ♭
William: Piiiiitiful. ♯ A kid’ll eat ivy too! ♯

Samella: Wouldn’t you?

Samella: What were we doing again?

Brandi: RUINING my LIFE

Brandi: I DON’T WANT TO DIE AGAIN JUST BECAUSE I DIED ONCE

Samella: Whatever, she’s noisy, I’m done with her.

German: You didn’t sing, Brandi.

German: I’ll give you one last chance. ♪ Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? ♪

German: ♪ Caught in a landslide ♪

Brandi: ♪ No escape from reality! ♪ If you can call it that.

Brandi: Now get the fuck out of my way.

German: What? You want to fuck me?! Well, okay!

German: But the birth control is your responsibility.

Brandi: I wouldn’t touch your frozen sperm with a ten-foot uterus, mister!

German: Woohoo! I wasn’t listening, what?

Brandi: Ew, get me out of that balloon. I don’t know where it’s been.

Please tell me this debacle is almost over.

German: The defense rests. Hurry it up so I can go home and masturbate to the court sketches.

Ooh! A ball game in formal wear!

Where’s Tommy Wiseau?

Hobart: Okay, I’m gonna… I’m gonna go think about what you just did. All of you.

Andrew: They didn’t call Cameron again! Cameron’s the only one who knows what actually happened!
William: Oh well?

Samella: TELL THE REST OF IT THEN

Sigh.

Brandi goaded Cameron into attacking her.

She wanted to be a zombie because she’s an evil secret agent.

Aurora: You gonna let the Maker interfere with your case like that?
German: .oO(Mmm, zombie titties.)

Kenya: Are you sure this is a good idea?
Dagmar: They’re just kids, Kenya. And I’ve got two Captain Heros on my side!

Dagmar: I wonder if he’ll send them both over with one call.

I can’t wait to see how much sense you wrung out of this damp rag.

Samella: MY RAG IS NOT DAMP

The Grim Reaper: ALRIGHT, TWO FOR ONE DEAL. ALL THEY DO IS CRY ANYWAY, IT’S BEEN AN ANNOYING COUPLE OF DECADES.

Dagmar: Ladies.

Brandi: .oO(Come on come on come ON! Where are my psychic attack flies?!)

Oh no! Somebody laid a trap for them!

Hobart: First of all, I’m disregarding the Maker’s testimony because I believe in separation of church and state.

I am unfortunately in perfect agreement with that sentiment.

Hobart: It pains me to say that neither the prosecution nor the defense, or as counsellor Gatewood put it, “the good guys,” gave me anything resembling a real case to think about.

Hobart: Bad lawyers make Hobart sad.

Hobart: Anyway, it’s still pretty clear that Brandi Bertino broke into a registered government test site, Mister Murphy’s so-called closet, and exposed herself willingly to the zombie contagion for no good reason.

Hobart: “Help her with her painting” my ass. I find you guilty of high treason and sentence you to life in prison. Case dismissed, go read some textbooks counsellors.

Brandi: Boo.

Oliver: Did I hear right? Did you bring my sisters back?
Dagmar: Yes, congratulations! They’re going to jail forever.

Yvonne: Might as well take a swig. Life imprisonment as a zombie is a long goddamned time.

Dagmar: I wouldn’t miss this trial. Get it?
Oliver: No.

Ricky: Ra ra, justice! Ra ra, police!
German: Let me get my accordion!

Ricky: COME WITH ME EVIL DOER

Ricky: HOW DOES PRISONER

Next time: We!Zombies.

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