Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
In which heroism hopefully does not figure.
I’m about tapped on court-related humour.
Which doesn’t augur well for the next half-dozen court cases, does it?
I’m sure I’ll get my second wind.
William: How long are you going to be making that face at me?
Andrew: For as long as you’re in my field of vision.
Samella: Okay. Okay! Court case, right! Because I’m a lawyer. A real lawyer.
Samella: The state calls William Something Sharpe to the stand!
Andrew: It’s STEPHEN. After my dad.
William: Don’t rub it in.
William: There’s my girl!
Cameron: I used to be his girl.
Cameron: Used to be.
Cameron: Do I need to say that slower? Louder?
Cameron: Or maybe words don’t quite do it for you.
Andrew: I caught you guys in bed. And then I blew up the bed. Your torrid affair is one hundred percent acknowledged, Cameron.
Hobart: THERE’S STILL A TRIAL IN HERE
Andrew: Goo-goo eyes wait for no man.
Samella: Thanks for taking so long! Seriousy, though. I needed the time to figure out a question to ask you.
William: Youuuuu… are a bad attorney, Samella.
Samella: Well then would a bad attorney say thank you! and pass you off to the other side? Because that’s what I’m doing.
Brandi: Um, hello? What?
William: You don’t want to ask me any questions.
Samella: Not until you apologize.
William: Is there going to be evidence in this trial at some point?
Andrew: Don’t look at me, I’m not saving her.
Hobart: I wonder if mistrials are a thing.
German: This guy is a spook and I don’t like spooks! I mean secret agents not black people.
German: I’ve never met a black person.
German: That’s all I got to say to you.
Hobart: COULD SOMEBODY PLEASE PROVIDE ME WITH AT LEAST ONE PIECE OF ACTUAL INFORMATION
Samella: The state calls that guy there! With the beard.
William: I wonder. If I grow a beard, will anyone ever notice you again?
William: Please tell me you have something to ask him.
Samella: I don’t want you to get mad at me.
Samella: Mister Beard, could you please… tell us… what happened?
Andrew: Close enough.
Andrew: I came downstairs one day to see William staring at Brandi’s ass.
Andrew: So I told him to fuck off.
Andrew: And he did.
Andrew: And then I shut Brandi up in the bathroom to die.
Samella: For no reason?!
Andrew: For the reason that she’d turned into a zombie and was trying to eat people!
Samella: How did that happen?
Andrew: I didn’t see it.
Samella: But didn’t anyone ever tell you?!
Andrew: Hearsay is inadmissible as evidence…?
Samella: What do those words mean?
Andrew: Call Cameron again.
Samella: IF YOU’RE SO SMART WHY DON’T YOU COME DO MY JOB? Please?
Andrew: Okay, okay, just… ask me what happened next. You can do that, right?
Samella: What happened next, Mister Man?
Andrew: I waited for Brandi to starve to death.
Andrew: Which she did.
Samella: That wasn’t a picture of Brandi.
Andrew: I didn’t see her die. I just felt the death memory.
Brandi: Well I was there!
Brandi: I remember shithead’s shithead girlfriend, and some stupid zombie, and a butler. They’re probably all dead except shithead’s shithead. Oh, and Death was there too, but you probably can’t call him.
Andrew: That’s about what happened, plus or minus a few shitheads.
Andrew: Please don’t build your entire case on me.
Samella: I forget whatever else I was gonna ask him. Your turn, Germy!
German: I prefer to be called Fritz. And what do I want this dude for? He’s clearly old and useless.
Brandi: Can I sue my attorney when this is all over?
Hobart: How about I just get him disbarred?
Andrew: Shoot them both, I say.
Brandi: Did the prosecution rest yet? Can I testify? Does anyone know what’s happening?
German: I guess it’s my turn now? Get out of the chair.
Andrew: Well done, everyone.
Andrew: This has been a model of legal procedure.
German: The… good guys, call Brandi Buffalito to the chair.
Brandi: I’m not sure my dignity will allow me to respond to that.
Samella: Just do what I do and have no dignity!
Andrew: Good luck, Bienvenido.
William: You actually managed to wedge some testimony in there. Nice work.
Cameron: Yeah, nice work, honey.
Samella: So, like, why were you a zombie?
Brandi: Because my fiancé had a zombie in his closet.
Brandi: I went in to help her with her painting.
Brandi: She ate my brains instead.
Brandi: Who keeps zombies in the closet?!
Samella: I give up. Who?
Brandi: Please stop being so useless.
German: How about a sing-along? ♪ Mares eat oats and does eat oats ♪ come on everybody, sing!
Andrew: ♭ And little lambs eat ivy? ♭
William: Piiiiitiful. ♯ A kid’ll eat ivy too! ♯
Samella: Wouldn’t you?
Samella: What were we doing again?
Brandi: RUINING my LIFE
Brandi: I DON’T WANT TO DIE AGAIN JUST BECAUSE I DIED ONCE
Samella: Whatever, she’s noisy, I’m done with her.
German: You didn’t sing, Brandi.
German: I’ll give you one last chance. ♪ Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? ♪
German: ♪ Caught in a landslide ♪
Brandi: ♪ No escape from reality! ♪ If you can call it that.
Brandi: Now get the fuck out of my way.
German: What? You want to fuck me?! Well, okay!
German: But the birth control is your responsibility.
Brandi: I wouldn’t touch your frozen sperm with a ten-foot uterus, mister!
German: Woohoo! I wasn’t listening, what?
Brandi: Ew, get me out of that balloon. I don’t know where it’s been.
Please tell me this debacle is almost over.
German: The defense rests. Hurry it up so I can go home and masturbate to the court sketches.
Ooh! A ball game in formal wear!
Where’s Tommy Wiseau?
Hobart: Okay, I’m gonna… I’m gonna go think about what you just did. All of you.
Andrew: They didn’t call Cameron again! Cameron’s the only one who knows what actually happened!
William: Oh well?
Samella: TELL THE REST OF IT THEN
Brandi goaded Cameron into attacking her.
She wanted to be a zombie because she’s an evil secret agent.
Aurora: You gonna let the Maker interfere with your case like that?
German: .oO(Mmm, zombie titties.)
Kenya: Are you sure this is a good idea?
Dagmar: They’re just kids, Kenya. And I’ve got two Captain Heros on my side!
Dagmar: I wonder if he’ll send them both over with one call.
I can’t wait to see how much sense you wrung out of this damp rag.
Samella: MY RAG IS NOT DAMP
The Grim Reaper: ALRIGHT, TWO FOR ONE DEAL. ALL THEY DO IS CRY ANYWAY, IT’S BEEN AN ANNOYING COUPLE OF DECADES.
Brandi: .oO(Come on come on come ON! Where are my psychic attack flies?!)
Oh no! Somebody laid a trap for them!
Hobart: First of all, I’m disregarding the Maker’s testimony because I believe in separation of church and state.
I am unfortunately in perfect agreement with that sentiment.
Hobart: It pains me to say that neither the prosecution nor the defense, or as counsellor Gatewood put it, “the good guys,” gave me anything resembling a real case to think about.
Hobart: Bad lawyers make Hobart sad.
Hobart: Anyway, it’s still pretty clear that Brandi Bertino broke into a registered government test site, Mister Murphy’s so-called closet, and exposed herself willingly to the zombie contagion for no good reason.
Hobart: “Help her with her painting” my ass. I find you guilty of high treason and sentence you to life in prison. Case dismissed, go read some textbooks counsellors.
Oliver: Did I hear right? Did you bring my sisters back?
Dagmar: Yes, congratulations! They’re going to jail forever.
Yvonne: Might as well take a swig. Life imprisonment as a zombie is a long goddamned time.
Dagmar: I wouldn’t miss this trial. Get it?
Ricky: Ra ra, justice! Ra ra, police!
German: Let me get my accordion!
Ricky: COME WITH ME EVIL DOER
Ricky: HOW DOES PRISONER
Next time: We!Zombies.