Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
Let’s start off the Sharpesvale era in fine fashion!
By not visiting Sharpesvale at all.
Anno Sharpesvalium, if you’re wondering.
And yes, the entire state uses a date system based on the Valley.
BECAUSE I SAID SO.
Let the courtship resume! Yes, we don’t even have a new storyline for a couple of chapters.
So fucking sue me.
Before we get started, this is Joshua Arden.
He will still be Joshua Arden after we get started.
He’s a new prosecutor, since one of ours got… fired. Recently.
His sister is Karina Arden. You’ve already met her. Don’t remember? Slap yourself.
Ember: .oO(Please notice me please notice me)
Aurora: Please remain seated for the Honourable Judge Evelyn Guess presiding, Wallawallock State vs. Gina Hiatt, charge of vehicular mayorslaughter.
Joshua: I hope you’re ready for a fight! I won’t go easy on you just ‘cuz you’re a girl.
Ember: Oh, cool, he’s a douchebag.
Evelyn: Redhead convention today, huh?
Joshua: With a typical convention percentage of notties.
Evelyn: I’m Evelyn. I’m the fairest of them all. You’ll quickly come to learn that “fair” and “lenient” are not synonyms.
Evelyn: How do you plead, Ms. Hiatt? Assuming you can even talk, I know drivers are like even-more-lobotomized townies.
Evelyn: Blink once for innocent, twice for guilty.
Gina: I’m so innocent sperm bounces off me!
Evelyn: Well that was evocative.
Evelyn: Okay counsellors, please, no shenanigans. Being the most neutral judge necessarily means I have no sense of humour whatsoever.
Evelyn: If you tell a joke, I might interpret it as a stroke. Mister Arden, please begin.
Josehua: GINA HIATT IS A MURDERING MURDERER WHO MURDERS.
Joshua: The state will show that she became a carpool driver for the express purpose of creating road pizzas.
Joshua: The state will also show that the THUMP of bodies under her tires is like music to her evil little ears.
Gina: Haha! THUMP. Tha thump thump thump.
Joshua: Drivers are, as our benificent judge already noted, even more basic than townies. Their personalities are one-note. In other words, she’s a murderer because she hasn’t got the imagination to be anything other than a murderer.
Joshua: So we should murder her first before she murders twice.
For those of you who don’t know, this heartless monster plowed her weapon of destruction and also I guess transportation over the helpless form of Mayor Irfan Chin of this great city of Centreborough, cutting him down in what many would call not his prime but not, like, his opposite of prime.
Joshua: Now, the defense attorney is going to sing you a song about poor innocent unplayables, taken unfair advantage of by the naughty nasty playables. She likes singing songs. She used to be a rock star. Her band was called CROTCHFIRE. So, yeah, take her as seriously as you think she deserves.
Joshua: Let’s hear your hateful excuse for why a killing killer who kills should be released back out into the open world sandbox of vehicular mayhem, Mz. Fox.
Ember: Put a bit more buzz on that “Mz.” why don’t you? I can’t tell for sure just how awful a homophobe you are.
Ember: Our carpool and taxi drivers are our most tireless and thankless NPCs.
Berjes: We are?
Hailey: I sure as hell wouldn’t thank you!
Ember: Gina Hiatt has been a loyal servant of this community for nearly seventy years now.
Gina: Jesus FUCK. Are you gonna lecture one minute for each year?
Ember: Sure, she’s kind of a bitch.
Ember: But when you’re asleep on the second floor and your work day starts in less than an hour, you want a bitch hammering away on that horn.
Berjes: I like hitting the horn. It’s the most creatively expressive part of my workday.
Ember: I intend to prove that you can’t prove Gina killed anybody.
Ember: Which is close enough to proving that Gina didn’t kill anybody, I think.
Joshua: Yeah, she’s toast.
Evelyn: Your first witness, Mister Confidence?
Joshua: The state calls Hailey Brown, deep sea excavator? That can’t be right.
Berjes: It sure as hell can’t! I drive you to that job!
Joshua: Alright miss Brown, please explain to us what you saw on the night our dear, beloved, too-soon-taken-from-our-loving-embrace mayor met his cruel and unusual demise.
Hailey: Um, pardon? Dude was an asshole. All I ever remember him doing was walking around saying “I’m the mayor! I’m the mayor!” like that was something he did instead of something we gave him.
Hailey: I’m glad Gina ran him over. The new one is much better.
Hailey: Anyway, what I saw was a mostly-alive dude on the front of a taxi cab, with his feet on the pavement, kinda jogging along, with his back over the hood like a memory-foam mattress.
Hailey: When the taxi stopped in front of the Kim house, which is really a trailer mind you, stupid uppity playable Kims think they’re so special, the mayor got flung off and hit the tarmac. He was shouting out in pain, and everything he said was a politician joke because the Maker is wise but mean-spirited.
Hailey: I recognized him as the dude everybody but me apparently voted for.
Hailey: Suddenly he stood up, and I thought maybe he was okay. Then… I don’t really know what happened next, it has all the makings of a LEGAL MYSTERY!
Joshua: Okay, we’ll get to that later if we have time, but just so we’re clear here: was this woman driving the car?
Hailey: Definitely! I couldn’t see her properly, and she’s the only black driver, so it had to be her.
Joshua: You… take that back, it’s kinda racist.
Hailey: You’re racist!
Gina: This whole COURT is racist!
Evelyn: I’d like to hear more about the “LEGAL MYSTERY,” and less about whether light skin is easier to see in the dark.
Evelyn: Which is probably is, for the record.
Joshua: Fine, fine. What’s the big mystery, smartass?
Hailey: I couldn’t tell what happened after the mayor stood up. He fell back down again real quick. What I’m wondering is… DID SHE HIT HIM AGAIN INTENTIONALLY?!?!?!
Hailey: How dramatic did that sound? I was trying for “really dramatic.”
Hailey: Anyway then I heard her say something like “Might as well finish him off!” and she ran him right over.
Hailey: She ran him right over?
Joshua: So who the fuck cares about whether she hit him again in between?!
Hailey: I guess I’m just detail-oriented!
Joshua: Your honour, the defense is welcome to her.
Ember: Did you actually see my client?
Hailey: I already said no?
Hailey: And anyway I was too busy watching the mayor die.
Ember: I’m surprised you could make out the mayor in the dark. Nothing further, your honour.
Hailey: Ooh, she’s good.
Evelyn: Back to your seat, miss Brown.
Gina: I should have run you over too.
Joshua: The state calls cheerleader, zombie killer, maid, police officer and probably something else I’ve forgotten Ally Kim to the stand.
Ally: It’s Ternynck, buddy. I ran the Kims over with my car.
Joshua: Well then! You should be an expert on this.
Joshua: And also you’re hot as fuck. Isn’t she, Aurora?
Ally: You wanna try asking me some questions?
Joshua: I guess. What did you see on the night the mayor died?
Ally: I was relaxing in my house, enjoying the absence of my asshole husband, when I heard a loud noise and some shouting outside my house.
I came outside and saw a taxi with my husband and a lawyer in it, and a road with a dead mayor in it.
Ally: My husband got out as I walked past, and I very clearly saw Gina Hiatt, and not paradise, by the dashboard lights.
Ally: Sorry to burst your bubble there, Ms. Fox.
Ally: I should mention that I saw the taxi backing up as I came out of the house. It looked like she was backing over the mayor. So if she hit him then ran him over before I came outside, she ran him over again in the opposite direction.
Joshua: Shiiiit. Do you think that actually happened?
Ally: How the fuck should I know?
Ally: Anyway, then she drove off. Over the mayor. Again.
Ally: Points for thoroughness, I guess?
Joshua: Nothing further, your most dashingly honourableness.
Ember: How can you be sure you saw my client? It’s cold and lonely in the deep dark night, dashboard lights or no dashboard lights.
Gina: Yeah! Bitch!
Ember: You wouldn’t be racially profiling miss Hiatt, would you? Becase cops do that. Like a bunch.
Gina: It’s true!
Ally: You’re aware that I am also black?
Ally: And anyway I didn’t need to see her that well. I distinctly heard her voice complaining that she didn’t think the chapter’s jokes were very funny.
Joshua: Ooh, so close! Full points for trying, Foxy lady.
Joshua: I’ll assume that dirty look means you’re done with my witness. In that case I call Berjes Hollmo, carpool driver without a murder rap, to the stand.
Berjes: Nail the bitch and give me her wages, I say.
Berjes: I also answer to “Blazej,” because sometimes the Maker forgets my actual name.
Joshua: So! I had someone open up the game files for me…
Joshua: …and it turns out you’re Gina’s best friend! Could you please tell the court how much you like her?
Blazej: I have spoken to her once. I don’t remember what it was about.
Blazej: Good times, eh Gina?!
Blazej: Oh! I remember now! We didn’t talk. I met her. At work. And then we got in our taxis and drove off to pick people up.
Joshua: That’s one hell of a character witness, eh your honour? All yours, counsellor.
Ember: What the fuck would I even ask him?
Ember: You didn’t even have anything to ask him.
Joshua: The lawyer and the cheerleader’s husband are dead. Two witnesses seemed a little low.
Ember: What a douchebag move.
Evelyn: Alright, don’t waste my time with closing arguments. We’re done here.
Evelyn: Mister Arden, you didn’t come anywhere near a portrait of a cold-blooded killer. And frankly I agree with Miss Fox. You’re a douchebag.
Evelyn: On the other hand, you did manage to present all the evidence I need for a conviction, so… well done I guess.
Evelyn: Miss Hiatt, this court is convinced that you killed Mayor Irfan Chin with your taxi, and then fled the scene of the crime. Furthermore it appears likely that you ran him over more than once, which is just mean.
Evelyn: This court sentences you to life in prison. Nice to meet you. Don’t expect we’ll meet again.
Gina: How long is life? Townies are immortal.
Gina: I am not living in jail forever! Am I?
Gina: And anyway that mayor was a JERK!
Ricky: Ooh, spicy! I can’t wait to get to know her better.
Ricky: BEHIND BARS
You’ll be behind bars with her?
Ricky: No! I mean… fuck off you know what I mean.
Ricky: I mean I wanna be her friend. I don’t have any friends. Dammit.
Gina: Aww, Ricky! Did that mean god embarrass you?
Gina: Nice job on the oversell, buddy! You should buy a car dealership.
Gina: Then maybe you’ll get run over.
Aurora: How long is a life sentence for an NPC, anyway?
Evelyn: Fucked if I know. It just sounded right.
Next time: an actual character goes on trial.