Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
And now the story begins.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this two hundred and sixty-three chapter introduction.
Ally: Evening, Madame Mayor!
Dagmar: Who are you calling a madame?!
Dagmar: Evening, Governor Sharpe!
William: Don’t I get a “your worship” or something?
Dagmar: Well I do worship you.
William: What’s this meeting about?
Dagmar: It’s about to begin.
Daisy: Afraid to go in?
Uma: I’m weird like that with with exploding buildings.
Daisy: Technically it wasn’t the building that exploded, it was the terrorist who entered the building.
Uma: Technicalities are suprisingly uncomforting.
William: Do I get to know what’s going on?
Dagmar: What do you think, your honour?
Michael: I think it’s nice to have one up on him for a change.
Big crowd. Must be important.
Either that or there’s free food.
Uma: I guess it’s worth remembering that terrorists can be anywhere, really.
Daisy: It’s okay, Uma. I’ve got your back.
Stephen: Just give me a moment to bask in the swoons.
William: Full disclosure: I’ve had sex in here.
William: I’ve had sex pretty much everywhere.
Michael: I’m willing to go any time, counsellor!
Sunny: Hear that, Ember? Judge Whittaker has the hots for you!
Ember: I’d just as soon bang Kyle.
Margaret: If Ember doesn’t want to bang Kyle, I will!
Valerie: Is there a waitlist for Stephen?
Stephen: So… what are we doing here, anyway?
Ember: I think it’s the Valley’s coming-of-age ceremony.
Sunny: Oh! There I am.
Sunny: Yeah, what?
Chelsea: That would be an awesome sex trick.
William: Is there anyone back there I haven’t fucked yet?
Chelsea: I think it’s Brooke’s turn!
Renée: Is there a sign-up sheet?
Angelica: It’s really nice of you to escort us, Ms. Kim!
Ally: Hey, any time! Any time your mother is a traitor, that is.
Valerie: What’s up with ghostface?
Brooke: You mean Michael?
Jizelle: .oO(Don’t make eye contact.)
Leonard: Dude! Capitaine Hero is here!
Jizelle: Eet’s bronounced ‘ero!
Michael: Please take your seats everyone. That means sit down. Don’t actually take anything. I know how you people are.
Sullivan: SOMEBODY GET MY COLOSTOMY BAG
Cameron: How you holding up, Mel?
Nathaniel: Mom! Don’t get the terrorist’s attention!
Sunny: Who are all these people?
All these people?
These are pretty much all the people.
William: Is this a taxpayer meeting?
Dagmar: Mmm, I can practically smell the votes!
I dunno, that smell could be all kinds of things.
Michael: Ladies, gentlemen, and accused criminals: welcome!
Michael: As the founder, president, and only member of the Pine Valley Ratepayers’ Association, I call this meeting to relative order.
Michael: I say “relative” because, as I said, I know how you people are.
Michael: But enough about me! For now.
Michael: It’s a pleasure to have all you lovely ladies, and all you… gentlemen, here with me tonight.
Michael: This is a day which will go down in the history of Clover County as one of the few notable events in which nobody died! Fingers crossed.
Michael: This chapter is the first chapter of the rest of this chronicle.
Michael: It is my honour and duty to present a short biographical sketch of that most unsecret of agents, the once and hopefully not future Zombie King (by marriage), Casanova Prime and Governor of Wallawallock State, Mister William Stephen Sharpe, BEc, DDZ, DSS, MCA.
William: That’s Bachelor of Economics, Doctor of DeZombification, Doctor of Sneaky-Sneaky, and Master of the Carnal Arts.
Michael: We live in troubled times. No other Sim neighbourhood on record has suffered such an appalling attrition rate, even in those unhappy boroughs where the player has activated the Kill All Townies cheat.
Michael: We are in the process of unravelling the cum-stained tapestry of our local history, and scrubbing it clean of all traces of zombie ichor, evil secret agent… chemicals, and serial killer… droppings?
Michael: One man above all has defended Pine Valley and the rest of Clover County from these insults! Running on sexual adrenaline and possessed of an exceptionally large… member, William Sharpe has been the hero we neither deserved nor wanted, but probably needed (investigations pending).
Michael: I’d like you all to join me in a moment of appreciative murmuring.
Michael: I stand before you a man humbled, humbled not by my own inadequacies, which are nonexistent, but by the creeping suspicion that I am currently in the company of a man nearly my equal.
Michael: Just the one, mind you.
Michael: My record of accomplishments is on… record.
Michael: Born to a wealthy and happy family, William nevertheless was able to achieve great success in life.
Michael: He fucked his way through a degree in economics from Mount Noble University, then fought (and sometimes also fucked) his way through a horde of zombies during the Zombie Apocalypse in his native Pine Valley and beyond.
Michael: Would you please stop moving the camera?
Michael: Who could have foreseen that young William, an only mildly-attractive kid from a family of rich underachievers, would some day be able to trick everyone into thinking he’d always been cool?
William: I’m taking notes.
Michael: Nobody else has had a fragment of the demographic influence of William, who is more or less responsible for the proliferation of cemeteries in the county.
Michael: These casualties are represented by a few urns selected from his personal collection, which can be seen in the surrounding floral arrangements.
Michael: We don’t even know who they were.
Michael: We just know William probably killed them.
Michael: So are we gathered here today to pay tribute to a misogynistic murderer?
Michael: Anyone who knows William Sharpe knows him as the most progynistic man alive.
Michael: And as for murder, well! Who’s the man responsible for saving half a dozen citizens from an unexpected bomb attack? Even if the bomb was admittedly probably intended to kill him.
Michael: Who ran into the fire like a lunatic, and yet apparently retained the knowledge of how to operate a fire extinguisher?
Michael: Who has fired more rounds of ammunition than all the Call of Duty players in the world?
Michael: Okay, that might be stretching it. I get carried away by the moment sometimes.
Michael: This man is a personal friend to many of us. He’s also a personal enemy to many of us. Either way he’s pretty important.
Michael: Many of you have slept with him. Some of you have even been married to him! The rest of you are dudes.
Michael: Some of you have worked with him. Some of you knew his father, who fought in the SimKhandaqi Pacification Campaign and played every position for the Centreborough Fightin’ Llamas, and most of you know of his mother, who helped this state become the superefficient income vampire it is today. To honour him is to honour them! After all, they made him.
Michael: But in a much deeper sense, he made himself. When he saw vaginas, he fucked them. When he saw zombies, he put them down. When his half-sister Cecilia saw zombies and regular people, she put them down as well.
Michael: I’m not suggesting we honour Cecilia, that’s just nuts.
Michael: But what she did is a part of who we are, and we always need to remember that.
Daisy: Hooray for Cecilia!
Michael: Thank you, Ms. White! Daisy White has portrayed Cecilia on television for many years, on the popular drama “I, Serial Killer.” We have all learned a great deal about the Sharpe family and their adventures through this medium, which has never been used to present distortions of the historical record.
Andrew: Hear, hear!
Melanie: We’re TRYING.
Abigail: I don’t like where this is going. I don’t even like where this already is.
Michael: Who shot Melanie Lillard to death a dozen times, then married her?
Melanie: Hip hip hooray.
Michael: Who fought off the Zombie Insurrection at the Apocalypse Museum?
Daisy: That was my idea! 🙂
Michael: Who, in short and in long, that’s a penis joke, should we name our Valley of absolutely no Pines after?
Michael: William Stephen Sharpe, and through him, his family (including his apocalypse-causing sisters), his friends, and his adventures both awesome and apocalyptic.
William: Wait, what?
Michael: I hereby propose that Pine Valley be re-christened according to the information you were all provided with when you entered, and also that we raise the taxes a tiny bit to cover the costs of printing those brochures and also changing a lot of local signage.
Michael: As an officer of the court I can put forward this motion, but for stupid ethics reasons I need a non-politician to second it.
Michael: Who wants to be my number two? I’ve got dibs on number one.
You surprise me.
Andrew: I’m a scientist.
Andrew: I thought I’d branch out and do a little political science.
Andrew: I second the motion, may the Maker help us all.
Hmm. You’ve seen my track record, right?
Michael: All in favour of renaming Pine Valley as outlined, get off your asses and be counted.
Michael: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, shit, let me start again. One, two, three, four, five, six, shit. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, not standing up, Abigail? You sure? Twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six, shit. One… just kidding! Twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine, twenty-ten, I mean thirty, thirty-one, thirty-two, thirty-three-and-a-third, thirty-four.
Abigail: I DEMAND A RECOUNT
Abigail: ARGH YOU FUCKERS
Michael: One, two, three…
Theresa: Good thing we got a judge on the case! Counting is hard.
Michael: Okay, okay. Sit down when I point at you. Sit down! ROSEMARIE!
Rosemarie: Sorry? I dozed off.
Angelica: Maybe if he hadn’t arrested our mom…
Sullivan: I prefer to call this place hell.
Brandi: I don’t believe in democracy.
Michael: I see thirty-four for, I mean thirty-four yeas, versus nine against. Or nay. Whatever.
William: I’m not against, I’m abstaining.
Michael: That’s not like you.
Michael: In any case, the yeas have it. Welcome to Sharpesvale, everybody. Metaphorically speaking. Because we’re in Centreborough right now.
Michael: You may now commence rejoicing.
Michael: Enh? Enh?
Daisy: Enh henh henh.
Michael: If you would like to say a few words, particularly to congratulate me on my hard work, Governor Sharpe?
William: For the record I knew you were doing this.
Daisy: My husband!
Ember: My fuckbuddy!
Uma: My my my…
Abigail: My head.
William: Call me! All of you.
William: Wow. I don’t know what to say! I’d pull out Captain Sparkles and let him speak for me, but we just cleaned this floor.
William: I’d like to thank everybody I’ve killed, and everybody I’ve fucked, and especially everybody who didn’t vote in my favour, for being so uncharismatic and unconvincing.
William: This day really belongs to me, everybody.
William: I say we celebrate with a group orgy!
William: You can stay, Abigail, but you have to play little spoon.
Abigail: Curse your impenetrable veneer of sexiness!
William: Actually hey, maybe we’d all better get out of here before the game crashes! Valerie’s arm is already coming out of her stomach.
William: I promise to reward your loyalty to me with at least a few more decades of ham-handed law enforcement and knee-jerk reactionary machinegunnings.
William: I love you all, ladies. And gentlemen, well, good fucking luck.
William: I’m banging the mayor.
William: Okay! That’s it! Everybody fuck off!
William: My secretaries have my little black book, so everyone eligible make sure to get your numbers written down.
William: Come spend a few days in my valley, if you know what I mean.
William: I mean sex.
Michael: You! Goldilocks! Black book, don’t forget!
Carolina: So that’s what happens when you go below zero attraction!
Corey: I still like Huffman Vale better.
Sullivan: Congratulations, dipshit. They named a hole after you.
William: See you guys at the treason trials!
William: I promise I’ll make time for a few conjugal visits.
Vicki: He never changes, does he?
Melanie: We’ll see.
William: Thanks for exercising your democratic rights, everybody! Oh, hey, SCIA Agents! Crack down on your observations, I don’t like being blind-sided by this democracy horseshit.
Theresa: We thought it would be a nice surprise!
William: If you want to give me a heart attack, Theresa, I know a much more entertaining way to do it.
Wow, you didn’t shoot anyone or fuck anyone! How uncharacteristically gubernatorial of you!
William: ♪ We are the champions ♪
William: ♪ My friends. ♪
Daisy: And we’ll keep on fighting…
Daisy: To the end!
William: And to the beginning!
Abigail: Oh! how I hate optimists.
Daisy: I’m gonna bring you down, Mister Governor.
William: I’m counting on it.
Next time: the Sharpesvale Chronicles begin.
Grugly Prime: CAN WE PLEASE GO HOME NOW