The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 262

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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In which the narrator intervenes for the better.

You’ll thank me some day.

“Cathouse.” The fuck was I thinking.

Dagmar: Hard at work I see.
Emily: I’m at my workstation, just waiting for some clients.

Rosemarie: Sorry man, I think you have the wrong country.

Out on bail, huh?

Rosemarie: Yeah, funny thing, they didn’t really have a protocol for what to do when someone blows up the courthouse.

Emily: Are you just gonna stand there all day?
Dagmar: The fuck do you care? I’m paying, aren’t I?

Emily: Your money’s no good here, Ms. Mayor. But your vagina is.

She means she wants to sex you.

Dagmar: Yeah, thanks.

Ugh.

Push him down the stairs or something.

Rosemarie: This is a lot like something we do here at work.

Rosemarie: And this is a lot like the result! It’s not usually purple though.

Emily: You’re seriously paying for hugs?

Dagmar: I’m a politician! I have to!

Rosemarie: Can you make me not a manslaughterer anymore?
Genie: …sort of!

Rosemarie: This reminds me of that time Andrzej tried to convince me that all the women in his country customarily breathed chloroform.

Leonard: Where’s the chick I was just kissing?

Rosemarie: HOW MANY WISHES DO YOU THINK I HAVE?!

Rosemarie: Try jailing me for killing an alive dude, guys!

I think you can only be tried for-

Rosemarie: SHUT UP SHUT UP

I actually recoiled in fear when I got to this pic.

Kendra: Yeah! I’m SICK OF YOUR PEEPING

Rosemarie: So yeah, Stewart and I fucked, then I ran you guys over with my car.
Leonard: Not a bad day for you, all told!

Genie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASCRACK

Asscrack?

Genie: IT’S AN ONOMATOPEIA

Leonard: I see you’re not married to Stewart.
Rosemarie: Funny thing! His fiancè isn’t, either! She’s married to your dad.

Leonard: How’d you get the lamp?
Rosemarie: Sent in fifty box tops!

Rosemarie: Got the box tops by fucking fifty dudes.

Leonard: I’m sorry I missed that.

ATTACK… OF THE DAY-VAMPIRE!

Leonard: I might need this explained.
Rosemarie: I’m not even sure, to be honest.

Leonard: So, if you’re a prostitute…
Rosemarie: Uh-huh…
Leonard: …I can’t afford you. ‘cuz I didn’t have any money in hell.

Rosemarie: Don’t you mean heaven?
Leonard: No. Hell. There is no heaven. Just hell. Lots of hell.

Kendra: Okay. As long as you promise you’re not ugly anymore, I’ll take you on. Me.

Rosemarie: I wished you back to life so I don’t have to go to jail for killing you! I think a thank-you fuck is in order.

Rosemarie: Oh hahaha they caught Vicki Sharpe.

Leonard: Don’t make shit up.

Nice pink pillow, dude.

Really suits you.

And your suit.

HAHAHAHA

Leonard: Good LORD.
Rosemarie: I know, he’s embarassing isn’t he?

Lot of that going around lately.

Clay: I could kill you right now.

Leonard: I’m sorry your life was ruined when you ended mine.

Rosemarie: It’s okay, now I get to hang out with dicks all day long.

Leonard: Not much on privacy, huh?
Rosemarie: Clay has been putting his cock on literally everything.

Rosemarie: It’s pretty hot, actually.

Clay: It is.

And then he put his cock on her.

Clay: Why’d you bring this douchebag back?
Rosemarie: I guess we’re just in the business of bringing back douchebags, Clay.

Sure, why not.

Leonard: You know, I think you’re a better match for me than for Stewart.

Pff. Half the neighbourhood is hot for redheads.

And you know why?

BECAUSE I AM HOT FOR REDHEADS.

Off to crime work!

Kendra: Stop calling me “Chelsea” dammit.

Kendra: I charge extra for roleplay.

Geoffrey: Are we using the bed?
Kendra: No, it’s just you’re so gross that everything in here seems filthy now.

Rosemarie: Well hey! My boyfriends all hate me, and your chick is super dead.

Andrzej doesn’t hate you.

Richard: But Andrzej is creepy.
Andrzej: Is sex toy? I am stealing it!

Emily: Okay, well… if we get a barbecue I can probably use this as charcoal.

Rosemarie: So, how ’bout it champ? Want a freebie?
Leonard: I’m definitely not getting a paybie!

Emily: STOP IT WITH THE FUCKING PILLOWS

Rosemarie: Jerome’s dick is tiny.
Leonard: HAHAHA wait are you gonna tell other people about my dick?

Rosemarie: Turns out Vicki was pretending to be Cecilia Phelps!
Leonard: If I was a serial killer on the run, it would never occur to me to impersonate a serial killer on the run.

Rosemarie: I bet serial killers don’t visit graveyards often.

Leonard: Who’s that for?
Rosemarie: I dunno, ask the algorithm.

Leonard: Nah.

Kendra: Well THIS isn’t awkward.

Emily: Think of it as training.

Is everyone aware that there’s still a kid living here? Who is supposedly being looked after?

Richard: Shh! Don’t wreck this for me!

Andrzej: In my country women are not allowed outside after dark.

Oh.

Okay!

This makes what’s about to happen a bit embarassing for me.

Kendra: GASP YOU’RE NAKED
Emily: GASP YOU’RE SWIFT

Rosemarie: I’ve been thinking of starting a webcam.
Leonard: Of your sexing!
Rosemarie: No, of people kicking our garbage can over. The damn thing is entirely composed of dents now.
Vanessa Yang: Could you please direct me to the Steaming Dragon Hotel?

Rosemarie: FUCK YOU’RE FAT

Yay! Sexual diversity for a change.

So, so unhappy with what’s coming up.

Leonard: Gonna give me the tour?
Rosemarie: Oh, I’m gonna take you places alright.

Rosemarie: Places you won’t ever wanna leave.

Leonard: Your vagina is a pretty great place alright.

Leonard: MAN! That skintone has nice breasts!

Until I saw the roaches I had this mad feeling of hope that she was about to kick the flowers over.

Leonard: I have a terrible idea!

Rosemarie: You’re in the right place!

Rosemarie: FUCK.

Leonard: I will!

Leonard: MAN! That skintone.

Clay: It hasn’t been the greatest week.
Kendra: Cool.
Clay: Hopefully, things will turn around for me this week.
Kendra: Neat.

Yep.

Clay: How’s it going, Em?
Emily: I’m not your fucking “Em.” Who are you, fucking DOROTHY?

Kendra: Oh, Em!
Emily: Oh, Ken!

Emily: Oh, fine.

Clay: So it’s clothes optional tonight?

I don’t know where to start.

Geoffrey: Look guys! I got you the exact same chess table you already have! Because REASONS!

Yes, everybody make sure to roach-proof your feet.

Rosemarie: We’re all getting cancer.

But at least the roaches are dead!

Rosemarie: THE POOR LITTLE THINGS!

Yes! More lesbians! We have precious too few lesbians, and it makes me feel like a bad liberal.

Of course, considering what’s about to happen…

Rosemarie: STOP TEASING DAMMIT

Kendra: I’ve been thinking about Richard’s university education.
Clay: Oh, yeah? That’s boring, don’t explain.

Rosemarie: Clay had a bad day at work.
Emily: Oh yeah?
Rosemarie: He said they game him the hatchet!
Clay: No, dammit! I said they gave me a machete!