The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 253

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

Click Here for Previous Entries!

Twelve more chapters until thing!

It is a good thing.


I’m hard-pressed to make up one joke for these things, much less three.

See?

Look, it’s one-third of the police chiefs!

Nerissa: Nothing to see here!

Ain’t that the truth.

Nerissa: Hey.

Uma: Why do you keep saying “ow”?
Nathaniel: Because I keep pinching myself.

Uma: Yeah, I can see why that would be a thing.

Nathaniel: What’s down here? A super-sexy sex lounge?!
Uma: Uh, yeah!

Oh!

Okay!

Uma: What is happening.

Nathaniel: Let us never speak of it again.

Victor: What stinks like vagina?
Neila: Like you don’t know, mister leftovers-for-breakfast.

William: Come on, hurry up! Death is an ever-encroaching reality!

Anthony: Marvellous parenting skills, sir!

Nathaniel: Why does the richest family in the neighbourhood have an unfinished basement?
Uma: Because you can’t hide bodies in a finished basement! Duh!

Nathaniel: I’m not touching you!
Uma: I’m not touching you either!

Personally I try not to close my eyes around barbed wire.

The teens in this game get up to a lot more grab-ass and a lot less Super Nintendo than I did.

Nathaniel: Your chest is doing weird things.
Uma: Well if you’d stop encouraging it by staring…

Nathaniel: I think I can manage that for at least five seconds.

Nathaniel: …nope.

Brandi: I thought we were soul mates, Sully!
Sullivan: Don’t be ridiculous! Women don’t have souls.

Nathaniel: Is this what “fingering” means?

Brandi: How are your boobs still firm?! Mine are like fuckin’ oatmeal!

Kiss kiss yawn yawn.

Uma: Well. We can probably find something more interesting to do, then.

Uma: Hey Bill!
William: Hey Uma! Your name doesn’t shorten.

Uma: I wouldn’t go to your bedroom in the next hour or so, ‘k?

Nathaniel: Please don’t look too deeply into this.
William: Ew.

I assume you have a plan of some sort?

Uma: Oh, such a plan!

Uma: I am naked!
Nathaniel: Yes you are!

Uma: Let us fuck.

Nathaniel: Who you callin’ “lettuce fuck”?

Nathaniel: I’m sorry, please still sex me.

Nathaniel: This has… obstacle course vibes.

Nathaniel: I guess I could use the exercise.

Nathaniel: I only hope I can reach.

Your hands are on her hips.

Nathaniel: …not necessarily talking about my hands.

SPLAT

Sorry, I hijacked a bird to get this perspective and flew in too close.

I like how Sims swim like they’re looking for a warm spot.

Nathaniel: Got your warm spot right here!

It looks like he’s missing your vagina.

Uma: That’s just the painted one. He’s hitting the real one just fine.

I want no part of this.

Brandi: You think you can schmooze me after what you just said?
Sullivan: But you do smell like eggplant farts!

Brandi: On second thought that’s pretty tame compared to your usual.

Uma: Yeah, I think that’s a wrap.

Women know what this means.

Uma: ♪ I’m gonna wash that man right out of my cooch! ♪

Anthony: This thing is gross please eat it

WHAT ARE YOU DOING

Brandi: Feed it to me piece by piece!

Anthony: I’m paralyzed with revulsion.

Uma: That didn’t tide me over for long.

Are you not gonna comment on the-

Uma: DEFINITELY NOT.

William: This is an insane question, but did my butler leave my son in here with you?

William: This must be why most people don’t even have a zombie closet.

Giving a massage?

Sullivan: Creating artificial tanlines by rubbing her dress into her rotten skin.

Oh.

That was gonna be my third guess.

Ugh.

Sullivan: Don’t be such a prude. One kiss can really take you places!

Sullivan: See?

HOW IS THAT HELPING

Melanie: How…?
Sullivan: Turns out the door wasn’t locked?

Melanie: Aha! There he is, the ol’ brain-head!

William Jr. .oO(BACK UP BACK UP)

Brandi: CAREFUL IT’LL COME OFF

William: THIS IS SO WRONG AND HOT AND WRONG

Melanie: I wonder how heirs taste.

Please, nobody talk about taste right now.

William: What? What do you actually want. You want a date? You want a fuck? You want to eat half the neighbourhood again? What can I do to make you lose that stupid bitchface.

William: It’s not like I ate your parents! Twice!

Elle hates polymorphs.

Which makes sense, since someone turned her head into a cow’s head.

Melanie: I thought I could take over the world. You know, on a county-by-county basis.

William: What would you do with it if you had it? You don’t know anything about politics or economics.
Melanie: Well! Neither does Donald Trump!

Sullivan: Maybe this will take the taste of zombie out of my mouth.

Sullivan: Hey hey hey! That is one sexy window you’ve got there!
Brandi: Well hello there pool table!

Brandi: Is this good? Did that help?

Brandi: I don’t think it’s going away.

Brandi: I wish they had a dog so we could blame it on him.

Sullivan: Oh god THESE tired characters.
Brandi: You’d think we’d have something new by the two-hundred-and-fifty-third chapter.

Melanie: I think the main flaw of my plans was all the friends I had implementing them for me.

Yeah, I feel that way when I look at her too.

That’s right, show off your best feature! It’s good practice for the trial.

Melanie: The problem with you is that you’re a sore winner.

William: No, the problem with me is you.

Melanie: Fair enough.

meanwhile attics

Melanie: Do they still flavour this stuff? All my buds are toast.

Melanie: I still love that brisk, peppy texture though!
William: That’s actually because your lungs and your throat have fused into one big tube.

Brandi:what?

Brandi: I didn’t say stop!

Melanie: I can’t quit you!

That’s up to the courts to decide now, thanks.

William: Come pick the animals up.

William: Yes, I know how late it is! I also know you don’t have a house or a life.

William: Uppity townies.

Victor: You’re not my mom.
Daisy: And I’m thankful every day for it.

Jane: What do you think he’s got in his mailbox?
Kenya: Unopened fan mail and about fifteen pipe bombs.

Jane: I should know better than to play that game with a superhero.
Kenya: X-ray vision is all well and good until you notice that half your friends have inoperable diseases and the other half have tumours from your x-ray vision.

I guess Nathaniel went home at some point.

If you care. Do you care? I don’t care.

What is this, a strike march? Go inside.

Brandi: My very own escort! What escort service hires such ugly women, though?

Brandi: Want me to say hi to your dad, Sam?
Sam: No. I’m still scared of him, even though I’m dead.

Hey, nice framing!

It’s almost like I finally realized this was going to be on the internet at some point.

Theresa: Sorry, Stinky Skunk! I thought you were Daisy.

Theresa: Still smelling your own farts, huh?

Theresa: Just kidding! Your sense of smell rotted out long ago, am I right?

Melanie: She’s charming.
William: She has good taste, at least.
Melanie: I”ll be sure to try her then.

William: EW BARF

William: But I’m still DTF.

Theresa: Does that stand for-
William: It stands for Down To Fuck. I’m not in the mood for acronym jokes.

Good, because I’m not in the mood to write any.

William: So! Hot tub, bed, or pool table?
Theresa: I wouldn’t have sex with you if you were the last man on SimEarth.
William: Wow! Extinction-level! That’s pretty severe.

William: I’m glad you feel comfortable coming out to me.

Theresa: I’m not coming out, I’m just not attracted to you!
William: Oh, okay! You’re asexual.

Theresa: Has it never occurred to you that there just might be some straight women out there who won’t succumb to your so-called charms?
William: Sure! I like science fiction sometimes!

Theresa: I want to sex strangle you to sex death.

William: Come on, woman. You know you want me.
Theresa: And it is literally my least favourite thing about myself.

William: Fine! Have it your way!
Theresa: …I don’t want to have it my way!

William: I can see why a woman with such closed horizons wouldn’t want to know what a nine-inch penis feels like.
Theresa: Wait, I thought that was just publicity.
William: You never saw the publicity shots?!

Theresa: DON’T FUCK WILLIAM DON’T FUCK WILLIAM

William: If only certain other people would stop trying to fuck me.

Daisy: Just FYI, our marital contract specifically excludes me from diaper duty.
William: Dammit.

William Jr.: .oO(It feels squishy when I squirm.)

Andrea: Morning Williams!

Andrea: Morning stench!

Neila: Hey Vic, look up, think fast!

Victor: Mom! Neila tried to get baby shit on me!

Shh! Mommy’s dreaming about food!

Victor: Jesus, look at the cereal killer go.

Daisy: …that took me a second.

Daisy: Well! Look at these fine gentlemen!
William: You shouldn’t swoon over your own son, Daisy. That’s called incest.
Daisy: Yeah, wouldn’t want to start down that path.

William: I wish I knew what you mean when you say things.

William: There. That better?
William Jr.: .oO(Is it better than not having to breathe through my nose? No, not really.)

And then Anthony threw him out.

Anthony: That’s a good idea, actually. Hand him over.

William: How come butlers go bad so quickly?
Daisy: It’s those suits they wear. Dry-clean only, but who has the time?

Anthony: Oh god, don’t tell me I have an expiry date too!

CLUNK

William: Builds character.

Daisy: Let’s see if I can’t get this one in her ear.

Daisy: Nah, she deserves a more embarassing death.

Michael:

Man, that’s some good soundproofing!

Luckily Daisy has the entire house bugged.

Daisy: What’s a guy with a strong, 75db voice doing on my porch this morning?

Michael: Blah blah trials, blah blah fire, blah blah blah.

Daisy: I can read between the blahs!

Daisy: You want to rename the neighbourhood after William?!
Michael: Yeah! And, you know, his other family members too. His mom built this state into the economic big-guy-stepping-on-all-the-little-guys that it is today, his dad was a sports dude and a general and maybe an astronaut (?), and that’s not even mentioning his half-sister Cecilia.

Daisy: Hahaha, don’t even get me started on her.

Michael: I always thought she got a bad rap.
Daisy: Go on.

Michael: Well, I mean, we’d all be zombie food if not for her!
Daisy: Tell me more.

Michael: I feel like she ought to be considered a Sharpe too.
Daisy: Take me.

Michael: What?

Next time: oh, whatever. You’ll see it soon enough anyway.

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