The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 250

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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I’m pretending that isn’t a significant number.

Because I’d rather write more chapters than make up some stupid pic or download that nobody wants anyway.

Except we’re actually downtown and most of those people are nowhere to be seen.

Hey look, it’s Michael!

Stephen: Yeah, walk faster Dagmar.

Dagmar: My name sounds so sexy when you say it! Because it is already sexy.

Stephen: I have a secret about C r l n !
Dagmar: Who?
Stephen: I said Ca o i a!
Dagmar: Paranoia?

Stephen: I have a secret about Deborah!

Dagmar: Ohhh! Keep it to yourself, nobody cares.

Stephen: But you know what somebody cares about?
Dagmar: Is it meeeee?
Stephen: I was gonna say saving the whales, but sure, you too I guess.

Dagmar: Compared to whales! Be still my beating heart.

Stephen: Compared favourably to whales, though.

Dagmar: Appreciate it.

Stephen: I got engaged at this restaurant.

Dagmar: Oh god, for a second there I thought you were bending down to give me a fucking ring.

Slim pickings, huh?

Uma: Slim Pickens would be welcome at this point. I would go home with Slim Pickens.

Kendra: Oh my god. Just move a fucking pawn it’s your first move!

Rosemarie: Are you just mirroring my moves? DO YOU EVEN CHESS MOTHERFUCKER

Asia: What is that? Fancy checkers?

Weldon Mace: Do you have a reservation?
Grugly Prime: Yes. I have many reservations, about all of this.

Shea: Sure, just walk away. Asshole.

Weldon: Oh, you’re the Maker. Okay, sure.
Grugly Prime: No, I’m the Maker’s avatar.
Weldon: Right. Hey, Shea, guess who we’ve got here?

Weldon: Right behind me, you won’t believe it. Listen to this dude!
Shea: If there’s nobody there again, Weldon, you’re fired.

Weldon: Welp.


Garbage goes in GARBAGE now?!

Yeah, just avoid the whole thing. Good plan.

Michael: Hey hey! I can’t remember if we still hate each other.

Stephen: You should check out my studio!
Dagmar: And see your etchings?
Stephen: I never understood why that was a sexual metaphor.

More like Stephen Murphy, Stud.

Stephen: Hold it together, lady, we’ll bang in a minute.

Dagmar: Pretty presumptuous, wouldn’t you say?
Stephen: No… why would I say something negative about myself?

Dagmar: You’re staring at my breasts.
Stephen: I’m trying to get it accepted as a character quirk.

Dagmar: I should start randomly slapping people. That would be a really useful one.

Dagmar: So this is where you do your pin-up shooting? Awesome. Count me in.

Stephen: Um, okay, but, you know, you’re the mayor…
Dagmar: I do in fact know that.
Stephen: …and they’re nude pin-ups.

Dagmar: Right! Ready when you are.

Stephen: It’s lacking a certain something.
Dagmar: Whatever it is, it had better not involve you without your clothes on.

Dagmar: I look like a million bucks!
Stephen: Payable in cash.

Dagmar: I like your style, Murphy.
Stephen: And I like your tits! Daggy.

Dagmar: You have a certain je ne sais pas.
Stephen: Je ne sais quoi.
Dagmar: I don’t know either.

Stephen: Clever.

Dagmar: I might be naked, but I’m still the mayor.

Dagmar: …why am I naked.

Dagmar: Ah hell, it’s not like I’ve got anything better to do.

Stephen: Or anyone better!
Dagmar: Well, on that count actually I do.

Stephen: Does he kiss this well?
Dagmar: He kisses with techniques learned from ten dozen women.

Stephen: Does he hold you so fiercely and so close?
Dagmar: His hands are like portable orgasm machines.

Stephen: Does he jump into your arms like a girl?
Dagmar: Alright, you’ve got that over him.

Stephen: I half expected to end up on the floor.

Stephen: Melanie Lillard came over for a photograph!
Dagmar: Ha ha, very funny.

Dagmar: William did NOT bring the fucking ZOMBIE QUEEN here for a PHOTO SESSION

Dagmar: I’ll kill him.

Stephen: You’ve got things to do here first.

Stephen: You’re an elegant woman, Miss Mayor.
Dagmar: And you’re a big ol’ greasy skeezeball, Mister Murphy.

Dagmar: And I like it.

Dagmar: So hey, you know what’s cool?
Stephen: WILLIAM SHARPE is cool. It’s what LITERALLY EVERYONE wants to talk about.

Stephen: How he saved everybody from some fucking bomb.
Dagmar: He did do that, though.
Stephen: Well GOOD FOR HIM.

Dagmar: Yes! And good for the people who didn’t get blown up because of him, too.

Dagmar: Trying to distract me?
Stephen: Trying to at least change the fucking subject.

Dagmar: We could just change it to fucking!


Dagmar: The fuck was THAT. It’s not filming, is it?
Stephen: My camera?
Dagmar: Yeah.
Stephen: My antique fixed-lens box camera?

Dagmar: Well it sounds stupid when you put it like that.

Stephen: I’m willing to let it slide.
Dagmar: It’s already sliding quite nicely!

Stephen: Hand up?

Stephen: Thanks for the booooooooost!

Stephen: That was the suddenest blowjob I ever.

Stephen: Dagmar Bertino: A Mayor Who Only Sucks When You Want Her To.

Dagmar: Oh good, more boob staring.

Stephen: No, you got it wrong this time too.

Stephen: It would be a pretty expensive joke…

Stephen: So… thoughts?!

Dagmar: I’ll take it! At least until a better offer comes by.

Stephen: Careful! Once it goes in again it’s hard to take out!

Dagmar: I like this studio.

Stephen: Let’s see if we can’t get that up to “love.”

Dagmar: Wow! Not many dudes will do that.
Stephen: Yeah, and you know why?




Dagmar: That’s one loud dick you have!

Dagmar: Foreigners are weird!

What was with the fancy clothes there?

Dagmar: Don’t know what you’re talking about.

Dagmar: Did you see any fancy clothes, Stephen?
Stephen: Nope! He’s seeing things! It’s probably cancer.

Dagmar: You could fry an egg on my chest, dude.

Stephen: Let’s try for bacon on your back.

Dagmar: …waaiiiiiit a second.

Stephen: Hey, consider it a compliment.
Dagmar: That your haunted camera took a picture of us fucking.
Stephen: Think of all the other shit a haunted camera could be getting up to right now!

Think of the shit anybody walking past with a camera could get up to right now.

Stephen: Daisy White is kinda scary.
Dagmar: RIGHT?! I’m so glad someone else thinks so.

It’s good you’re getting to know each other.

In more ways than one.


Dagmar: Is anybody out there?
Stephen: If there was, would you stop having sex with me?
Dagmar: Like, immediately.

Stephen: I don’t see nothin’

Stephen: And the nothin’ keeps on comin’

And then I spent a few minutes worrying that Stephen was circumventing consent by not telling her there were people outside and stopping, and my conclusion was that he was, and that was out of character for him because he’s not that kind of asshole, but it wasn’t his fault because I wrote his dialogue, and it wasn’t really my fault because I wasn’t thinking seriously because I was writing a fucking comic, but then again works of fiction have real-world meaning so a good writer should pay better attention to what he’s saying so LET’S JUST RETRACT THE LAST FEW CAPTIONS AND IT NEVER HAPPENED.

Being liberal-minded means worrying a lot during the day but being able to sleep at night.

Stephen: I’m not sure how that works.
Dagmar: And I’m not sure how that thing works.

Dagmar: Anyway you have blanket consent for the next few minutes.

Dagmar: Aaaand withdrawn!
Stephen: You ought to give a guy some warning! I’ve got friction burns now!

Stephen: Wanna come back to my place?
Dagmar: I thought this was your place.
Stephen: Okay, my other place.

Dagmar: Good morning, Mabel!
Mrs. Crumplebottom: A good morning for sin, you mean? Harlot.

It was either that or make a Gandalf joke, and the Gandalf joke was just a quotation, and I owe it to the professor not to quote him for a cheap gag.


Christ man, you just got engaged!

Stephen: I know! That’s what the thought balloon is for!


They need to be more complicated.

Stephen: So hey, who killed all our fireflies?


Dagmar: You can’t take this guy from me!

Dagmar: Aw, you got me a present?
Stephen: A ripe one, too!

Wait. Did you…

Ugh! You did!

Stephen: So yeah, did you see that portrait in there? That was my son’s girl.
Dagmar: Your son dated a portrait?

Stephen: ANYWAY I’m married to her now. Just FYI.
Dagmar: I feel like that should have come up before we got engaged.

And now he’ll come…up… after!

Yeah, I know.

It’s 2:26 in the morning, gimme a break.

Good lord.


Dagmar: You might have a fixation, dear.

Dagmar: This the guest room?
Stephen: I’ve been calling it the Fuck Shack, but yeah, sure.

Dagmar: Fuck Shack.
Stephen: Why would you say that? He’s a great basketball player and a lovely man.

Dagmar: I ought to castrate you for that one.

Stephen: Like to see you try.

And then they played “hide the weiner.”

Stephen: Mayor of my heart!
Dagmar: And of everything else, don’t forget.

Elle: Gross!
Michael: There are bylaws against this! I should know! I drafted them!


Dagmar: Please don’t tell the judge you’re sleeping with the mayor.
Stephen: Not like we did a lot of sleeping anyway.

Dagmar: Ha ha ha, but seriously don’t you dare.

It’s Pine Valley’s lamest hero, the Tighty Whitey!

Michael: I have those same underpants.


Michael: Anyway ANYWAY! I want to name the neighbourhood after William Sharpe.
Stephen: Go ahead! Nobody’s stopping you.

Michael: I mean I want to legally change it.
Stephen: Hahaha yeah right.

Michael: I feel like you’re not taking me seriously.
Stephen: I feel like if you want seriousness you should do up a few more buttons.

Michael: Please answer my question without joking.

Stephen: Can you convince him to stop wearing his hair the way I wear my hair?
Michael: Ummmmm… probably not?

Stephen: Sure, whatever, I’m in.

Michael: Can I also count on your vote for mayor?
Stephen: I like Dagmar.
Michael: I mean mayor of Pine Valley, if we can get incorporated.
Stephen: I wasn’t even listening you to. I was just saying I like Dagmar.

Stephen: What if I want to run for mayor?
Michael: Then you shouldn’t be hanging around outside in your underwear.

Stephen: Good point! Wow. You would make a great mayor.

Michael: I could make you my deputy!
Stephen: Can you set me up with your wife instead?

Stephen: What? She’s kinda cute!

Michael: I can’t bring myself to kill you in front of these children.

Stephen: Whatever man, whatever.
Michael: So, I have your votes?
Stephen: Whatever you think “whatever man, whatever” means, man.

Stephen: Bein’ annoyin’ makes me horny.

Dagmar: Did you get rid of him?
Stephen: He wants to name the Valley after William.
Dagmar: I’m surprised William didn’t suggest that first.

Dagmar: Did he want anything else?
Stephen: I got the vague impression he wanted to steal my underwear.

Stephen: He’s not classy like you and me.

Wren: Ugh! It smells like daddy’s socks out here!

Xavier: The only thing that could be worse would be if all our classmates saw daddy in his underwear.

Good news!

Next time: bad news.

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