The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 249

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which a baby makes a match.

Sort of.

But not really.


Yep.

Still.

Stephen: Hey Jerome, is Carolina there? Why? Well, I’d tell you! IF YOU WERE CAROLINA.

Stephen: Oh, hey, Carolina! Ahem, just let me get my best PSA voice going.

Stephen: It’s 7:48 PM. DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR CHILDREN ARE

Stephen: …yes, okay, William was awesome. Are you even listening to me?

Stephen: WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT FUCKING BOMB

Stephen: Mhmm… he’s brave… mhmm… he’s hot… mhmm… mhmm…

Stephen: Mhmm YOUR BABY’S ON MY SIDEWALK

Carolina: …so she is.

Carolina: I am platonically pleased with you.
Stephen: I respect you as an independent woman.

Stephen: And I want to bang you.

Carolina: Okay, look. I’m not going to have sex with you.
Stephen: That is the most depressing sentence containing the word “sex” anyone’s ever spoken to me.

Carolina: Please don’t tell Jerome our baby got outside somehow which is ridiculous

Stephen: .oO(Fucking non-cheaters.)

Carolina: Your circumspection is very much appreciated.
Stephen: Are you talking about my penis?!

Stephen: That was a joke. I have a huge vocabulary. Among other things.

Carolina: So you promise you won’t tell anybody?
Stephen: Well gee, I was gonna blackmail you, but since you asked nicely…

Stephen: That was a JOKE. Geez, woman.

Stephen: Alright, go home before I have to hit on you.

Stephen: You have literally seconds.

Stephen: Or maybe baby could take herself home and give the adults some quality time?

Stephen: Eh?

Carolina: Goodnight Stephen.

Stephen: Forget something?
Carolina: Yes, I did – where were we?

Stephen: Right about here, I think.

Carolina: Nope, wait, can’t do it.
Stephen: Well I certainly appreciate the blue balls, couldn’t get ’em on my own.

Carolina: I’m trying to show my appreciation! But I’m a married woman.
Stephen: Married appreciation is my favourite appreciation!

Carolina: I could pose for one of those photos!
Stephen: They are nude photos.
Carolina: …what?

Carolina: You’re photographing the whole Valley in the nude?!
Stephen: Why does everyone keep saying that? I’m not a pervert! Just the women.

Carolina: It’s been such a good day, I almost feel like making it a bad night.

Carolina: Do you think Jerome would mind?
Stephen: Naw! He’d lose his mind.

Carolina: I don’t want to mess my marriage up.
Stephen: Then why even have one?

Carolina: I don’t want to be a repeat of what happened to Penny.
Stephen: I am what happened to Penny. Partly.

Stephen: Your baby is here again.

Carolina:

Stephen: What’s this for?
Carolina: Being the least-corruptible corrupt person I’ve known.

Carolina: Okay, that’s less than charming.

Stephen: What? It’s not like I’m saying they’re bad tits!

Stephen: Look. How ’bout we swing by my studio, and if you’re feeling artistic, then fine, and if you’re not I’ll listen to your boring teacher stories.

Carolina: You’re some man, Stephen.
Stephen: Don’t be mean.

Stephen: Esther can’t come.

Carolina: Okay, I padlocked her door.

Carolina: Where’s your studio?
Stephen: Take one step backwards.

Stephen: Yep. Everywhere is one lot-boundary away from everywhere else.
Carolina: Art! Pushing the boundaries of the known.

Carolina: What’s the matter?
Stephen: I feel like I’m taking advantage of you.
Carolina: If you tried, I’d kick your ass.

Carolina: NOW what’s the problem?
Stephen: I don’t want my ass kicked.

Carolina: How do you know until you try?

Stephen: Okay, here’s the thing. My pictures are supposed to say something about their subjects.
Carolina: “This woman is willing to take her clothes off.”
Stephen: Yeah, okay, that part is just porn.

Stephen: But porn is art! DON’T YOU WANNA BE ARTISTIC?!

Carolina: You’re looking at my breasts again.

Carolina: Alright, I’ll go along with you.
Stephen: You will?
Carolina: Just so we’re clear, I was a recess monitor until recently. You try anything funny and I’ll go monkey bar ninja on you.

Stephen: Kinky.

Carolina: Okay, turn around.
Stephen: But… I’m gonna see you when I take the picture, right?
Carolina: …shoot.

Stephen: I can’t shoot until you-
Carolina: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT

Stephen: You gonna do it?
Carolina: I’m gonna do it.
Stephen: You gonna do it?
Carolina: You think I’m gonna do it?
Stephen: I think you’re gonna do it!

Stephen: Well holy shit, she did it.

Carolina: Like my cleverly-placed hair?
Stephen: You must not see well without those glasses, ‘cuz it’s not as cleverly-placed as you think.

Count Alon: Bleh!
Stephen: He doesn’t mean it.

Stephen: You. Back off my threshold.

Count Alon: But it looks fun in here!

Oh good lord what’s happening.

Stephen: Ignore the process, appreciate the product.

Stephen: It’s definitely you, don’t you think?
Carolina: It might not even get me fired!

Carolina: I’m impressed, Stephen! You were very professional and you’re looking at my breasts again.

Carolina: If I pull you in closer, you’ll have to crane your neck.

Stephen: I admire your self-control.
Carolina: Don’t oversell yourself.

Carolina: Anyway, what self-control?

Stephen: Forget I said anything.

Carolina: Still need to lose some of the baby fat.
Stephen: You could stand to keep some of it, actually.

Stephen: Anyway, your secret’s safe with me.
Carolina: What secret is that?
Stephen: That you’re a Harlequin Romance novel waiting for a writer.

Carolina: Teehee. I totally just cheated on my husband.
Stephen: It’s cute that you think so.

Carolina: You don’t consider that cheating?
Stephen: Well yeah, but, like, if you take a standard Valley resident and look at their cheating graph, a chaste kiss in the nude doesn’t even register.

Stephen: I cheated on Abigail so bad she nearly grew horns.

Segue.

Stephen: Alright naughty girl, closing time.

Stephen: Fucking hell.

No!

You have enough wives.

Stephen: Enough is not a real number.

Stephen: Hey bosslady! You goin’ my way?
Dagmar: Unintentionally!

Stephen: Why’d you stop? It’s all awkward now.

Dagmar: Mister, it was all awkward already.

Stephen: Did you know I was dead once?
Dagmar: So?
Stephen: When you come back from that you don’t get a new lease on life, you buy.

Dagmar: By which you mean, you have a lot of sex.
Stephen: You make it sound so selfish! The women get to have sex too.

Dagmar: You must have done something stupid to lose the hottest woman in the Valley.
Stephen: Yes! I died! Was I not clear enough?

Asia: Oh, Mr. Murphy…
Dagmar: Aren’t you a little young to be out this late?
Asia: I’m-
Stephen: SHE’S EIGHTY-FOUR. ALL THE TEENAGES ARE EIGHTY-FOUR.

Stephen: And YOU are NINETY-NINE, just like ME. Happy Centennial, Dagmar!

Dagmar: At least I’ll never have to tell you my age!

Dagmar: Where did you get that turtleneck? It’s money!
Stephen: It’s so hot that you think that term is contemporary.

Stephen: Think you could take me on a tour of your constituency, your worship?
Dagmar: Only if you promise to worship me.

Stephen: Back to my place?
Dagmar: Nah, let’s go to the next chapter instead.

Next time: yeah, that.

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