The Clover County Chronicles, Chapter 245

Welcome to the Clover County Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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There are apparently people reading this!

They are mostly silent, probably because they’re not sure what to say about what they’re seeing.

Can’t really fault them for that.


Got all my dorks in a Woodrow. Family.

It sounded better in my head.

Iris: Do you know how to do the moron dance?
Alvin: I’ve never tried, but I know I’ll be a natural!

Alvin: Why are we dancing, anyway?
Iris: Because I’m pregnant, and I need to get some fun in before my body realizes you’ve ruined it.

♪ Innocents raped with napalm fire ♪

Iris and Alvin: ♪ TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY SCHIZOID MAAAAAAAAAAN ♪

Irvin: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Alvin: Well I like it.

Wait. I thought this was Iris.

Iris: That’s just my doppeldiver.

Iris: Hey, guess what? Andrew’s almost old.
Alvin: Wow! People are living a long time these days! Must be the lack of zombies.

Iris: And the evil secret agents aren’t doing their jobs.

The “good” ones aren’t exactly raising the bar either, though.

That is not your daughter.

That is a road sign.

Iris: I thought she looked awfully octagonal.

I’m not familiar with this ballet.

By choice.

How is a white suit appropriate SECRET agent attire?

Alvin: I don’t know what you mean.

Iris: He really doesn’t.

Daisy: Make the ugliest face you can!

Daisy: Now try to catch flies with your mouth.

Daisy: Now don’t notice the stalker behind you.

Iris: Was there actually… wait, how would you…
Daisy: YES I SPY ON YOU MOM

I remember having a really hard time downloading custom cars because their plates weren’t in Simlish.

Then I realized!

Foreign imports.

Iris: Oh, hi William hahaha no I’m married.

William: I don’t see what that has to do with it.

Yes, this looks safe.

Iris: Yeah, I heard! Well done. Something blows up downtown, and now nobody can stop talking about it!

Something similar happened in the real world a few years back.

Andrea: Bang!
Ivy: You’re firing shots into the sky? Who are you, Yosemite Sam?!

Iris: So it’ll all be fixed by the end of the year?
William: Yep! Bombs are a lot less dangerous in a world where walls can’t be destroyed.

Iris: That sounds like an excellent argument for decriminalizing bombs!

Andrea: Alright, we did the cops and robbers bit. Now we have to go through a lengthy trial process.
Ivy: I usually skip the “Order” parts of “Law and Order.”

Andrea: OH NO MY TRIAL BLEW UP
William: Hi Melanie! You’re looking… present today.

William: Why is Melanie present.

Don’t ask me, you brought her!

William: Well you can unbrought her.

William: Already in bed, huh? I like a woman who gets right to the point.

William: I like awake women too, though.

Iris: Um, you were supposed to come over later? So we can talk? Because Alvin’s about to come back home, and doing anything intelligent after that happens is impossible.

Iris: All you’re accomplishing right now is making it look like I’m fucking you.

Iris: Which isn’t to say I wouldn’t want to, but I like to think I’m a bit more subtle than not subtle at all.

William: Point a finger at me I point two fingers at you.

Iris: Well done! You won the argument via nonsense.

Andrea: JUSTICE IS KICKING YOU
Ivy: KICKING ME TO DEATH

Yeah, that’s pretty much how it works these days.

Iris: Your male gaze is so hot.

Alvin: Field agent! It’ll be so much easier to escape detection now.

You realize that field agents aren’t agents who hide in fields, right?

Alvin: WELL THEN WHAT THE FUCK

Alvin: Hi wife hi friend!
Iris: See anything suspicious, Alvin?
Alvin: Why? I trust wife and friend!
Iris: Okay, so maybe we don’t need to be subtle.

Alvin: I’M MAD THAT I’M RUINING THE COMPOSITION OF THIS SHOT

Iris: I’M MAD THAT YOU BROKE IN ON MY CONVERSATION WITH THE HOT OLD MAN

Alvin: I’m a field agent.

William: Wow, congratulations! I’d heard they were lowering their acceptance standards!

Iris: No, go on, continue being boring at each other.

William: What do you think of the new people? The judges and the lawyers?
Iris: I don’t.

Iris: But the kids are definitely on a crime-and-punishment kick right now.

Iris: What do you think about how hot Avri Wheeler is?

Alvin: Yeah, William, what do you think about how hot Avri Wheeler is?

William: I have heard that Avri Wheeler is hot.
Alvin: Oh sure, take the safe route.

William: I didn’t see you at any of the trials. They’re great fun, you should attend.

Iris: Mr. Governor, I’ll only attend a trial if I’m the defendant.

William: Somehow that seems plausible.

William: That is also plausible.

You do that a lot.

Iris: I’m married to Alvin.

Alvin: Where you guys going?
William: Private conversation.
Alvin: Not suspicious!

William: You look splendid in that underwear, Iris! I bet you’d even look splendid without it.

Iris: I’m flattered that you think so, and amused that you think you’ll get to see.

William: You’re tired.
Iris: You’re observant.

Iris: Unpack this action, Mr. Super Spy.

Iris: But don’t read too much into the next one.

CLUNK

William: My kisses can do that to a person.

Kelsey: Why are you lying on the floor?
Iris: I’m a liar in general.

Prof. Johnson: DON’T SHARE THE BATHROOM

William: I could have told her myself, thanks.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH THE BALLOONS ARE SWARMING

Also the ghosts.

Iris: I intend to take offense, but only after you finish.

William: That’s what she said.

William: Ba-dum-psshhh!

Alvin: I forgot you were real

Alvin: Prof. Johnson says you told him off so you need to go home now.
Prof. Johnson: It hurt my feelings!

Alvin: It’s just so hard to keep him cheerful, you know? He’s been so down ever since I killed him.

Iris: Mmm. William, is that you?

Iris: …Oh. That’s my new nickname for you! William.
Alvin: We already know a William! Silly!

You sure do look triumphant for a DEAD person.

Prof. Johnson: I never got to see so many half-naked chicks when I was alive!

Iris: …I think I’ll wear more clothes more often.

IT’S NOT MY JOB TO ENTERTAIN THE GHOSTS

It’s hers.

Iris: Yeah, I feel dirty now.

Like you’ve got ectoplasm all over you? Hahaha.

Stephen: HA HA HA D:

Ivy: Hi dad!
Alvin: .oO(Awesome! Now I know which one this is.)

Iris: MY ENTIRE LIFE IS NOT A PEEP SHOW

Iris: But yours should be.

Michael: SECRET AGENT ARE YOU HOME

Michael: So hey, is William fucking your wife?

Alvin: Possibly?

Alvin: I’m not here during the day. And he is one hunky hunk of man-hunk.

Alvin: And I am mondo depressing in bed!
Michael: Okay new topic!

Michael: I’m canvassing for votes. We want to name the valley after William!
Alvin: Why not me?
Michael: …because I’m hoping to actually get some votes?

SMACK

Michael: Stupid!

Alvin: Ow! And also sure! As long as he’s not fucking my wife.

Alvin: IRIS IS WILLIAM FUCKING YOU?

Iris: NO BUT THE DOOR IS

Man! The door works FAST!

Michael: I’m trying to get the neighbourhood named after William.
Iris: How are you intending to profit from this venture?
Michael: I’ve already bought up all the potential town website domain names.

Michael: You’re the first person to wonder at my ulterior motives!
Iris: I’m probably the first person you’ve asked with ulterior motives of her own.

Iris: Anyway, you’ve got my vote! And if the vote goes through, tell him I voted for it.

Iris: Or I’ll kill ya.

Alvin: Now now, be nice!
Iris: Fuck off.

Alvin: Okay, well, it was good talking to you!
Iris: FUCK OFF

Alvin: Hello little girl!
Kelsey: Fuck off.

Michael: You’vre trained them well.

Michael: Yeah yeah, fuck off, I know.

And fuck off to school with you.

Iris: I wonder if they’ll take this one too.

♪ But in the town it was well known when they got home at night their fat and psychopathic wives would thrash them within inches of their LIVES ♪

Iris: Say! Now there’s an idea!

Iris: You wanna help?

SMUUUSHGLRK

Alvin: OW OW

Alvin: Dancing is dangerous.

♪ Well it’s forty below and I don’t give a fuck, got a heater in my truck, and I’m off to the rodeo! ♪

Alvin: Boo! I’m behind you.

Is this some kind of psychotropic music?

Can you please stop breaking the geometry?

WHACK

Iris: Right in the shin!

WHACK WHACK

Alvin: Take that, wall!

Alvin: Hey, this is fun!
Alvin and Iris’ Unborn Child: .oO(WHAT IS HAPPENIIIIIIIIIING)

Alvin: I don’t think my body bends that way.

Alvin: Ow I stubbed my toe let go my hair

Alvin: Oh god I’m being sucked into the zebra vortex

CLUNK

CLUNK

Jumping into paintings is only for Italian plumbers, guys.

Alvin: That’s racist.

Alvin: You gonna stop?
Iris: As far as I’m concerned, the party really begins once someone gets hurt!

Iris: And I can always count on him for that.

Next time: checking in on the unbearably huge crowd.

By which I mean a crowd this is unbearably huge, not a crowd of unbearably huge people.

That comes later.

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